The words blur together on the page in front of her. Lack of sleep, lack of life, what difference did it make? It was just one big giant blur. Téa Delgado blinks hard, trying to focus on the excruciatingly boring legal brief staring back at her. Sighing, she turns her head to look out the big picture window. The one thing she insisted on having in her office, so there would always be light.

The sky was a dark grayish color as little white flecks fell from the clouds. A white Christmas, she thinks, smiling slightly at the thought. Christmas. Only a workaholic or the loneliest person in the world would be at work on Christmas Eve. But she qualified as both. She tries to shake away the oncoming nostalgia before it even starts, but the thought of Christmas only brings back thoughts of her lost family.

Lost...are they lost if you walk away from them? Or is that giving them up?

Didn't matter. They were gone one way or another. Starr was back in Llanview, probably surrounded by caroling Buchanans. And Todd...well she didn't know where Todd was. Last time she saw him, he had been sound asleep in their apartment. She could still see him, the sight blurred because of the tears in her eyes that morning.

It was ironic in a way. The same fear that kept him from completely opening himself up to him was the same fear that drove her away. She saw him 'blocking', becoming nervous with their re-discovered closeness, and the thought entered her mind that he was going to leave her. And from that moment on, it was a thought that never left her mind. She became obsessed with it, consumed by it. He was going to leave her, she just knew. So, she was going to leave him first. It was a decision she regretted every moment since, because she had accused him of giving up when he hadn't let her in completely, but in truth, she was the one who gave up this time. And she didn't know how to make it right, so she pushed the pain away and tried to get on with her life. 'Try' being the operative word.

She blinks quickly, not sure how many minutes, hours have passed since she began the familiar journey or reliving her biggest regret. She checks the clock and rolls her eyes. 11:48 PM on Christmas Eve and here she is still in her office. Sighing deeply, she grabs her keys, prepared to head out into the cold New York night and home to her 'just as cold' apartment.

As she exits the building, she pulls her long, black wool coat around her tighter. Stopping for a moment, she stares into the clear night, smiling slightly at the unusual quiet stillness of the city. Raising her hand, she hails cab.

"550 Central Park West," she says as she slides into the warm car. The cabbie glances at her in the rearview mirror, and Téa swears she can see a grin on his face. She shrugs, giving the guy silent credit for remaining cheery having to work so late on Christmas Eve.

"Workin' late on Christmas Eve huh?"

"Yeah," Téa responds, gazing out the window.

"Bet your family misses you....working so late and all."

Her head whips towards the cab driver, his 'innocent' comment striking home with her. "I doubt it," she says quietly, looking down. Completely missing the cab driver's knowing smile in the rearview mirror.

"Late..it's a funny term you know? Cuz I truly believe it's never too late...for anything."

Téa looks at him strangely. Figures she'd get stuck with the Zen Buddhist cab driver. "I don't know about that."

"Oh I do...life's full of second chances...and third...and fourth...."

But Téa doesn't hear him drone on...lost in a memory of Todd's 'kingdom of Second Chance', the way he had talked about a place where nobody ever got hurt, where he could get everything right. The poignancy of it still nipped at her heart, his earnestness to try and get it right. But there wouldn't be, there couldn't be anymore second chances...not anymore. She knew that the moment she realized she had REALLY left him. He would never forgive her, and she would never forgive herself.

"Don't ya think?" he interrupts her thoughts.

"Maybe for some people, but not for me," she says quietly, just as they pull up out in front of her building. She hands him a twenty, waving off the change as she silently gets out of the cab. The cabbie watches her walk in the building. He shakes his head smiling, looking upward.

"I wouldn't count on that Ms. Delgado."

*********************************************************

About a half hour later

She lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She can see the faint shadow of her small Christmas tree out in the living room of her cold, lifeless, yet incredibly expensive apartment. Wondering if she had taken on some of it's attributes...cold...lifeless....

Merry Christmas.. she thinks, as she drifts off to sleep....

to be continued