I'll have a blue Christmas without you;
I'll be so blue thinking about you.
Decorations of red
on a green Christmas tree
Won't mean a thing if
you're not here with me.

I'll have a blue Christmas, that's certain;
And when that blue heartache starts hurting,
You'll be doing all right
with your Christmas of white,
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas.

Two days before Christmas.

The light shining through the stained glass windows of St. James Episcopal Church gave off a warm glow that took some of the chill from the night for Todd Manning. Still, he stood rooted to his spot, hunched inside of his long coat with his hands jammed into the pockets to try to ward off the crisp winter wind as people came in and out of the heavy oak doors. Many of them stopped to look at him---or to look through him---their faces registering recognition for what they had come to know him as, or what they guessed him to be by the looks of his solitary and physical appearance and the way he kept to the shadows. It wasn't difficult to read their minds as the same souls that had just come from the church walked a wide circle around him or openly made faces of disdain or suspicion.

Glad tidings to all, huh? Hypocrites.

Still, he remained and stood his ground, watching the smoky patterns of his breath in the night air, lost in thought. He was drawn to this place and this night, and he couldn't shake the feeling that he had a purpose here. Todd shifted from one foot to the other as he fought to make sense of it in his mind.

To go inside would be to bring the whole place down around my ears.What the fuck am I doing here? He made a face at his own thoughts. See. "Fuck." That's not something that's accepted in there. I'd be screwed. "Screwed.”

He continued to come up with a list of reasons that he belonged outside in the cold and the darkness of the night, while the others were in there, doing the hoping, the wishing, and the praying under the soft glow of all those candles, surrounded by all of that "Christmas junk" and "holiday spirit".

What do I know about any of that?

"Happy Hoooolidaays," he said it aloud in his solitude, and he couldn't understand how a phrase that was created to be cheery sounded laced with venom to his ears when it was in his voice.

It's a gift, Manning.

It was two days before Christmas, and the activity inside was centered around the annual "Night of Prayer" shindig sponsored by the church. He'd had a chance to figure out how these things worked because he'd been here before.

In 1998, just weeks after he'd left Llanview, he had returned, and he'd stood outside of this church on a cold night like this one.and she'd appeared.

"Tea."

His thoughts began to drift back in time.

Todd had watched through the small windows towards the front of the building as she'd make her way into the church. He'd rested a hand against the cold clear pane of glass, wanting to be as close to her as he could get without being seen, at least not yet. Tea broke from a quick conversation with Viki and took a seat alone in the front pew, the mask that she'd worn for his sister giving way until the sadness that was in her eyes had spread to all of her features. Even from a distance, it was palpable in every part of her, every breath and every sigh.

It had ripped his heart out. She was supposed to be happy; she was supposed to be better off.

His breath had caught as he'd watched her take one of the blank pieces of paper, looking upward as if to the heavens for guidance and then extra support for her 'prayer', before scrawling something and walking hesitantly up to the alter to place it with the other Christmas intentions. She had turned to leave and walked halfway down the aisle of the small room which, at the late hour, was by then nearly deserted. And then his heart had picked up it's pace at the same time she slowed to a stop.

Slowly began to turn.

Unsure of what to do if she was to see him, he'd flattened himself against the siding of the building as he felt the intensity of her gaze searching the spot where he'd just been standing in greater view.

"Did she know?"

He'd held his breath for what felt like an eternity, trying to make a decision. Memories had flashed behind his closed eyes like a movie---larger than life moments. That's how it had been from the very beginning, and it was the feeling that their legacy still held in the heart that he claimed not to possess. When he had left, he knew then that he did have one because he felt the pain of the gaping hole---Tea had stolen it and it belonged to her and to Starr, the daughter that he'd left behind as well. He'd carried them in pictures and memories, but nothing compared to that moment of knowing that she was inside of the walls that he stood on the outskirts of.

So close, he could feel her. So close he wanted nothing more than to touch her.

The fear hadn't left. The fear that she wouldn't feel the same, that the hurt he'd seen in his eyes might be bigger than them for her, and if she turned him away he felt sure he'd be lost. But something else was stronger, and as he opened his eyes he knew that there was only one answer. With definitive strides, he walked around to the entrance of St. James, stepped under the arch and pulled the heavy door open, stepping quickly inside before the fears tried to stand in his way. With his heart in his throat, he searched the candlelit church. He had known even before his searching eyes gave him the answer.

She was gone.

He realized he must have stood longer than he'd realized. Feeling. Remembering. Conquering the fears.

"You waited too long."

Suddenly, he felt surrounded by judgment. It was around him and it came from inside of himself. His glance went to the icons, the candles, the cross on the altar. Nothing warded off the demons, and he had to get away. It wasn't time yet. He had to get away, he had to stay away--- and he ran. At the time, in his eyes, it was about running 'for her,' and a little about trying to outrun himself as well.

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Todd Manning had backed out of the Church that night, turning on his heel as well as his hearts intentions and desires, his long dark coat flowing behind him as he disappeared into the dark, cold night. He'd left before he was seen by Andrew Carpenter who had begun to go about the business of blowing out some of the candles and moving the basket of intentions to the place it would stand for the Christmas Service, the top piece of paper unfolding to reveal the words "For Todd" in Tea Delgado's careful writing.

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Todd pulled himself from his thoughts of several years ago, brushed the light powdering of snow off his jacket, and entered the church, looking suspiciously at the framework above him. He hadn't outrun himself these last few years as he'd planned, and if ever it was going to come down on him, now really was the time. With the passing of time, things had changed---he'd begun to doubt his heart again, getting through the days but feeling numb and shut down. And now it was he who walked around this town playing the game of pretend without her.

The crowds had thinned until only a few souls remained. He took tentative steps to the basket of blank slips of paper, grabbed one and tried to slip unnoticed into a pew at the back.

Prayers and 'Todd Manning'. What am I doing?

To say that he wasn't exactly a believer was an understatement.but there was some kind of pull that was stronger than him to do this. He hunched over the paper as if hiding his 'answer' and scrawled a secret prayer with a hurried and shaking hand---

"For Tea (T-e-a, with some kind of an accent over it), all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. But if I'm still as much a part of you as you are inside of me----please come home to me, Delgado."

Todd dropped his folded paper into the basket and turned without looking to see if anyone had noticed him with incredulous stares, walking quickly from the Church , disappearing back into the night.

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From a shroud of shadows, she emerged from where she'd been hiding and watching. When she was alone, she walked over to the basket, gently prodding open one that lay on the top and had given her a glimpse of his familiar handwriting.

She gasped in surprise, and the paper slipped from her fingers and floated back down with the rest.

Tea Delgado sat for a long time, alone with her thoughts. Only when she heard Andrew Carpenter coming into the Church through the rectory did she quietly slip out. A fresh snowfall had begun while she was inside, making everything seem new again.

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I'll Be Home for Christmas

I'll be home for Christmas;
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.

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Christmas Eve.

Sleep Well, Little Children

Sleep well, little children,
wherever you are;
Tomorrow is Christmas
beneath every star.
Soon the snowflakes will fall
and tomorrow you'll see
Every wish, one and all,
waiting under the tree.

Sleep well, little children,
pleasant dreams through the night;
Tomorrow is Christmas,
all merry and bright.
Soon you'll hear the bells ring,
time for dreams to come true
As the world wakes to bring
Merry Christmas to you.

Starr Manning lay awake in bed doing her best to hold her breath. She was trying very hard to listen for Santa Claus, but in case he snuck up on her, she also didn't want him to give him any sign that she was awake. That could mess the whole thing up, and she had all kinds of hopes for this Christmas. After a while though, with not one sleigh bell breaking into her hard fought for silence, when she had memorized every crack in the ceiling, she sat up and reached for the snow globe that Daddy had put next to her bed, an early Christmas present that had come without a tag. She gave it a hearty shake and then watched the snow rain down on the little castle inside. Daddy said it was magic in a bubble made just for her that must have just found its way here, and she smiled now at the thought. It was the prettiest house of dreams she'd ever seen or imagined on the outside, but she wished that she could see inside, through the little door. She placed it back on the night stand and turned to stare at it, lost in thought.

These were confusing times. From no Daddy to Daddy--- a return which made her so happy, but she still didn't understand why he'd left in the first place and was sometimes afraid to go to sleep, thinking maybe she'd wake up and he'd be gone again; from Tee to no Tee, which made her really sad. First no Tee because Mommy said so, then no Tee because she was just gone. Just like Daddy except she hasn't come back yet. Nothing seemed quite the same since, and she missed her second mom more than she wanted to let on for fear of hurting Mommy or making Daddy more sad then he seemed already about the whole thing. There had been Grandpa Asa and Uncle Max demoted back to just two mean old unrelated people, and there was the move from the Buke mansion back home; then there was Mommy, who seemed to be both here and not here all at the same time. A couple of days ago, Daddy had said that she would be away for Christmas, that she was going to be in 'Carsirateit' or something. At Aunt Viki's house though, Mommy had appeared with RJ, and she was really, really mad at Daddy. They yelled a lot while Aunt Viki kept trying to drag her away into the kitchen to eat cookies. She guessed that Carsirateit wasn't as much fun as Disney World, and that Mommy had just come home in a bad mood. Then before they left, Daddy and RJ almost started to fight like they do in the movies, and as she left with Daddy, she heard him tell RJ that he better wear a bullet proof vest backwards.

I didn't know what that meant, but Mommy turned as green as the Christmas tree, and then just smiled at me and said that we'd be having Christmas together tomorrow after she called her lawyer. I wish I was older so that some of this stuff actually made sense. Grown-ups. What can you do, they're weird.

She had the feeling that if she could transport herself inside that castle, that everything would make sense, everything would be perfect, everyone would be there and no one would ever leave. She wanted Daddy to stop looking so sad in the times when he didn't know she was watching, and she wanted the hurting inside of her to go away too. She wanted everybody she loved to be happy. And she wanted Tee to come home to Daddy. In the years that she had been a part of their lives, she had made her father smile more and in a different way than he ever had before. That's what she asked for from Santa this year; she'd told him at the Mall and then given a letter to Daddy to send out for her, just for good measure in case working at the mall made him forget.

Starr's eyes started to feel heavy, and as hard as she fought to stay awake, she drifted off, straight into a magical Christmas dream that found her inside the walls of that very castle with all of the elements of her Christmas wish coming true, as the snow drifted down past the windows.

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Tea tried to wrap her coat tighter around herself in an effort to stop shaking. The docks were far too cold tonight as the forcasted snow began to really come down in large, perfect flakes. Despite the chill, it had always been one of her best places for thinking things through, and tonight she had a big decision to make.

"Delgado….um…..Tea. Come on now, snap out of it! You've always been rational. Reason, logic, all that jazz is what you're supposed to be about. You're a lawyer and you think with your head, NOT with your heart." She paused in the middle of her motivational speech to herself. "Not with your heart." No matter what front or big lie she could present to other people, it was no use fooling herself. She wasn't talking herself into it. Her heart was screaming at her to go to him, while her head just kept lecturing non-stop, putting all of her fears into words.

She had no idea what to do.

Nothing had taken her back more than seeing him at St. James that night, and her heart still raced at the memory. If her heart had won out that night, she would have walked up behind him, whispered his name, and not let him leave alone, but there had been so many fears and their voices were louder. Did he want to see her as much as she wanted to talk to him? Did he entertain visions that played over and over again of what life would be like if they made things right again? And then her mind had pulled a cruel maneuver, trying to remind her of all the struggles in their relationship above the triumphs. Standing behind a column at the back of the church that night after following him inside, she had almost run so many times, but something inside of her was whispering "not this time." And then there were Del's words from long ago. "Quit running." Those were the words that combined with what her heart wanted that brought her this far, which made her return to Llanview in time for the holidays. Once she was here, the question took on a new urgency.

Did she follow the pull here to just hold to the shadows and just observe in answer to her curiosity, or was she here to act on it?

"I don't know. I don't know!!" She sent a frustrated yell out over the water, which seemed almost annoyingly calm in the face of all of her own stirred up emotions.

The note scrawled on that slip of paper had let her into one of Todd's deepest thoughts, and she still wasn't sure that her heart had recovered from the shock of seeing her name. He was there that night for her? A born skeptic, she had looked around, waiting for the joke, expecting him to jump out with Starr and Blair to scream "Gotcha!" but it hadn't happened. It was real, and now she was struggling with the truth---she felt a bond with him that seemed unbreakable even in the times then and now when she wished it wasn't so. When she thought it would be better to find her strength to tear it apart, but something else seemed to know better. There was some force in all this that kept bringing them back to each other. Without him, it was as if a part of her would remain forever lost. The second she had seen him standing outside in the snow, something in her that had grown cold was alive again, and she felt that once again, she'd found that elusive home and the place where and the someone with whom she belonged.

As strong as that truth was, she knew that to risk trying again meant to risk finding herself in the place that she'd been emotionally for the last several months, and knowing all the hurt and pain that had been the hallmark of that time for her, she had a feeling that she wouldn't make it through that again. If he turned her away, or if they couldn't make this work, Tea was sure that the biggest piece of her would grow dark and cold, forever lost. She suspected that she would lose herself for good.

Tea was pulled from her thoughts as the wind changed direction, pelting her with the large falling flakes. She broke into a wistful smile as her memories took her back to that Christmas holiday that she and Todd had attempted to spend together at the Bayberry.

"Hey, hey Delgado, what's that?" He'd asked as they wandered aimlessly around in the gently falling snow in search of the Inn.

"What?"

"Look, over there." He pointed her in the direction of a stand of trees, and she'd looked up just in time to get snow dumped in her face from the branches above, manipulated by the man himself.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Impulsively, she decided to "take him out" and wasn't going to quit until he was meeting the snow drift behind him up close and personal. Okay, so she'd had to fall into him a little and they ended up in close contact. Not exactly a strike against childish behavior.

He'd laughed in a way she'd never heard before, and they'd both become lost in the moment and in the aforementioned close contact. She was willing to let the rush of feeling take control, but the fears had kicked in for him and he'd pulled away. Still, he looked at her in a new way after that, and it was one of her fondest memories of 'Todd and Tea, without the walls'.

It was a favorite memory that brought a rush of warmth to her cheeks even in this December cold spell.

Sighing deeply, fully back in the present and her dilemma, she looked to the sky as if for some kind of answer. Should she take a chance and go to him and put everything she had into making it work this time? Her demons got in the way as much as his did at times---could they and those dreams they hid deep down for all they could be become stronger than all of that? Could she get her mind to see things as her heart did, to see beyond the risk enough to fight for the goal with all she had in her?

"Do we have what it takes?"

An award winning director couldn't have timed the moment more perfectly. Across the night sky, a shooting star cut the darkness.

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Todd was standing in the darkness of his bedroom at the window, the moonlight and the brightness of the snow lighting the place where he stood, highlighting his features in a soft blue glow. Starr's presents were arranged under the tree…all but one. Moose Jr. was in hiding in Tea's room, waiting to be discovered.

Okay, so that one was as much for me as it was for Starr

Moose the Original (who he knew was wreaking havoc in some other part of town and would return someday when his mission was over) was a small part of the family that he missed. He knew he couldn't even entertain the thought of finding anything that would even slightly fill the hole that Tea had left in her absence.

He tugged on the curtain absently and looked up at the sky, strangely clear for such a night that was dumping snow on all of Llanview. He remembered how Tea had always said that she associated snow with new beginnings.

"So how 'bout it, Miracle Worker?" He thought back to that whole thing at the Church and shrugged his shoulders.

"Prayers and Todd Manning…just like I thought…the two just don't miss." He'd sent up a lot over the years back when he believed more in things…the good things…but there were too many times when they'd failed to save him before this. Why he thought it was different this time, he didn't know. He'd followed a pull, and for a few seconds, he'd actually let himself believe.

Resting his forehead against the glass, he broke the silence of the late hour with a whisper.

"Tea."

He squinted out into the darkness and drew back with a start as a star shot across the sky, as if in response. He stumbled back from the window, and at the same time, down below him, he heard a sound. Slowly, he made his way out into the hallway, stopping to listen by the door to Tea's old room. The bird was sitting quietly on his perch, and again, a soft sound.

He held his breath, straining to hear.

Quietly, he walked over to the stairs and began to descend them. The sparkling lights from the Christmas tree came into view first. It was a helluva tree, but it wasn't the beauty of it that stopped him in his tracks.

The dueling glow from the tree lights and the small fire that was just nearly out in the fireplace gave him enough light to see her standing there, next to the tree. He brushed the lock of hair off of his forehead that had fallen in front of his eyes and stared, trying to form words, but Todd Manning was actually stunned speechless and afraid that if he blinked, the vision would disappear.

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Fall on your knees
O hear, the angels voices
O Night Divine..

Tea had been looking at the Christmas tree, her gaze focused on the Coqui that hung right in the front on the tree's branches, trying to figure out what to do next, now that she was here and had used her old key to let herself in. She had done it all on instinct up to this point and now felt at a total loss. The hanging "Eye of God" just seemed to be another sign, yet still she was being courted by the flight instinct.

In the midst of this new mental dilemma, she heard the familiar creak of the seventh step on that winding staircase, and she looked up to see Todd, looking back at her with an unreadable expression. An eternity seemed to lapse between them, with their eyes locked and a myriad of unspoken thoughts traveling in that look. But he wasn't saying anything and he hadn't moved from where he stood. Fear began to prick at her heart and she took a few steps backwards.

"Delgado, wait…don't…don't go." He'd taken as many steps forward as she had backward, broken by her nervous movements from his own trance. In seconds he was standing right in front of her, and she was looking up into that gaze that she had dreamed about so often, his features more heart-stopping than ever in the soft light of the fire.

"You came back!"

"I couldn't stay away!" They both spoke at the same time.

Slowly she lifted up a hand to his hair and ran her fingers through it…she didn't think. Her heart had won this battle and there was no turning back.

"It's shorter…I like it…but then I always did."

"We still have similar hair…mine just has a little catching up to do," he whispered. He was afraid to break the spell, if this was one. His lips turned up into a small smile, and then he turned his head to the side, studying her as if to memorize her face, still afraid that she would disappear.

With a trembling hand, and that familiar struggle in his face between instinct and a little fear of how much he was feeling, he gently touched her cheek, and closed his eyes as he felt the warmth of her skin…tangible proof that she really was standing before him.

"You've come back."

"I'm home." Again, they spoke at the same time, his eyes lighting up and her face breaking into a smile.

"Why?" Todd asked.

For a second the light in her eyes dimmed, and he felt her draw back a little.

"No, I didn't mean it that way…I just can't imagine that someone like you would come back to someone like me."

"Well, that's funny, because I can't imagine any sort of 'life' for someone like me without someone like you, not after all that we've been, not with all that you are and all that you've always been behind the walls, to me. Can we do this, Todd? You and me?"

The fingers that had gently been tracing her jaw line now traced a path to her lips, lightly brushing across them and stopping her from talking, long enough for him lean down and gently cover her mouth with his in a kiss fueled by months of built up emotion and fear that he'd never have this chance again. She responded with the same emotion, her heart doing the ultimate victory dance all the while.

When they finally broke, he caught her eye, their foreheads together, studying each other in wonder.

"Did you see it tonight?" He whispered to her.

Her eyes opened wide. "The star?"

"Do you ever feel as though this is bigger than us, Tea?" He put his hand on her waist and held her closer.

"All the time." she said, moving into him. "We have a lot to talk about."

"You're the one with the words." he teased, and she lightly shook her head. "It's going to be different this time. We can do this."

"We'll make this work…remember? 'I promise you, this'll work'. Something tells me we're written in the stars this time around."

Todd lightly kissed her forehead, as she wrapped her arms around him in return.

"Merry Christmas Delg…Tea."

"Delgado works just fine too…I've missed it. I've missed you."

"That's a first." He quipped.

"I hope it's a last." She held on to him a little tighter. "Merry Christmas, Delgado."

"Merry Christmas, Todd."

He moved over to the couch and reached out a hand which she took, and he pulled her to him, where they held on to each other, finally feeling whole again and understanding fully what it meant to have a heart at peace after all of this time. It was more than just the tree, the fire, and the season…there was magic all around them.

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Christmas morning.

THUMP!!

Starr woke with a start and cursed the morning sunlight that flooded into her room.

"I missed him AGAIN!!" You'd think that sleigh bells would be loud enough to wake someone from the sleep of the "on pins and needles, and on guard." But nothing. Not a reindeer hoof, not a "ho, ho, ho"…no sound at all had pulled her from her sleep and alerted her on her mission.

She shot up in bed in horror.

"Maybe he knew about my plan, and he didn't come!!"

She threw back the covers with a chorus of "Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no Oh no", and then took off in bare feet for Daddy's room. Poking her head in the room, she gasped…no Daddy. Now her heart jumped into her throat in a new way. Not only was there a chance that Santa hadn't come, but what if he'd taken her Daddy away too? She'd pulled a couple of stunts this year...helping Daddy make the cool computer games with Grandpa Asa in them, putting a little of Mommy's Nair in the Red-haired lady's shampoo bottle, and accidentally dropping one of Grandma Renee's earrings down the toilet, but surely it couldn't have been that big, in the grand scheme of things, in the eyes of the man who knew all.

With a pounding heart, she took off for the stairs, and she took them two by two in big bounds. At the bottom, she froze. Under the tree was a mountain of presents, their secret identities concealed in a variety of pretty wrapping papers. Bringing her eyes up from floor level, her heart leapt into her throat.

Daddy was there, and in front of him was Tee! She was home! Daddy had his arms wrapped around her, and they were both smiling down at her. Daddy's smile was back, the real one that made even his eyes smile. Starr jumped down the last step and with a running start, she hit them both like a ton of bricks, wrapping her arms around Tea who stooped down to catch her. Upon impact, they were all in a tangled heap.

"Santa got my letter!! My Christmas wishes do come true, Daddy, they really do!"

"Mine too, Shorty. Hell, who woulda thunk it?" Todd grinned, and Tea smiled back at him.

"Christmas wishes for all of us.with a little help from a Starr."

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Happy Holidays to my TnT family from Candyland…may all the best of the season's magic touch you and yours in a special way today and throughout the New Year!