April 13, 2001 The rain pelting the window made it hard to believe Easter was just a few days away. It certainly had been a wet spring. Standing by the window in her cramped office, Téa allowed herself a small bittersweet smile as she remembered the horrible storm that had all but paralyzed the city a few weeks before. She and Todd had been forced to spend several days at home together. They had come up with some very inventive ways to relieve cabin fever.

But as her thoughts turned to her lover now, her jaw clenched involuntarily. Ever since Valentine's Day, there had been very few relaxed, happy moments like those during the storm. Todd was closing some big deals that were very important to his plans for a media empire, and he alternated between reserved optimism and acute paranoia. He had convinced himself that the big players would only deal with him if his criminal past remained a secret, and he was sure that the whole house of cards was about to tumble around his ears. At the same time, Téa had managed to convince her boss to assign her one of the biggest cases the firm had ever handled. She would be defending a woman who was accused of murdering her abusive husband. Because it was a high profile case, one bound to attract a lot of media attention, Téa felt very strongly that it was time she disclosed some of the unsavory details of her past and Todd's before someone dug up all the ugly facts and tried to use them as a weapon.

When she had discussed this topic with Todd, he had thrown one of his trademarked fits, accusing her of betrayal and a lot worse. As she thought about the scene, Téa's eyes filled up with tears. She looked out on the bleak street outside her office and watched yet another drug deal going down. The people here were so helpless, so much at the mercy of their poverty and lack of education. It was so ironic that one of the poorest parts of the city was also among the neighborhoods highest in crime. Téa was determined to provide a tiny ray of hope for some of the battered clients that walked into their free clinic almost every day. This case wasn't just about one woman's struggle to escape unbelievable abuse; it was a showcase for all the women who slipped into her office with their eyes averted and heads down, seeking some kind of salvation from the law. They were counting on her, and she couldn't allow some prosecutor to blind-side her by throwing up Téa's own checkered marital past as a means to victory. But how could she turn her back on the tortured soul with whom she shared a bed, and a life? She had to find a way to protect Todd and her client at the same time.

A slight knock on the door interrupted her reverie. The head of the firm, Ike Dawson, stepped into the room with a ready grin. "Sorry about that, Téa, but I had to take that call. It looks like I'll be headed up to Albany again next week. The legislation is in trouble again." Téa looked with affection at her boss. A tall, distinguished African American man in his 50's, in a way Ike reminded Téa of her old employer in Llanview, Hank Gannon. Ike, however, had none of the cold, judgmental attitude that had made working with Hank such a disappointing experience. Ike had been left an orphan at a very young age when his father took a shotgun to his mother and then turned it on himself. The boy and his sisters would probably have been victims of the domestic violence themselves if Ike hadn't hidden them all in the storm cellar. Left a ward of the court, Ike had at first dealt with his anger by joining a militant black group in the 60's. He soon found their taste for violence and rhetoric tiring, and worked several jobs to put himself through college and then law school. Determined to do something to fight the abuse that had taken such a toll on his own family, he had devoted his life to helping fellow victims of domestic violence. He had founded the small, free law clinic on a shoestring and a prayer, and had soon made a name for himself in the law courts of New York City. His winning smile and gregarious nature made him a favorite of the media, and he used it shamelessly to lobby for funding and legislation to help his clients. All the other lawyers in the firm had similar reasons for choosing a low-paying job in a free clinic over a cushier situation. Most were either victims of spousal abuse, or had been witnesses to it through their parents, a sibling, or a friend. When Téa had joined the firm, there had been much speculation over why she was there, but she had always remained silent, choosing to let all of them pick their own reasons for her presence.

As the founder and head of the firm, Ike would ordinarily have taken the Nesbit case himself. But a critical bill dealing with domestic violence was making its ponderous way through the state legislature, requiring his constant attention. Téa had felt proud and a little overwhelmed when Ike had picked her to defend the high profile case. Looking at his kind face now, she knew there was no way she could let him down. Because of his faith in her, she had to tell the truth, even if it meant having the case yanked from her. "You had something you wanted to discuss?" asked Ike, clearly growing impatient with her long silence.

Téa cleared her throat. "Uh, yes. Sorry, Ike. I'm….I'm not myself today." She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. Ike looked at her with concern. Like most men, he was uncomfortable with tears.

"Téa, are you OK?" he asked quietly. "Yes. No. Oh God, I don't know," she said, throwing up her hands. The sight of Ike's dark eyes fixed on her made her nervous, and Téa turned again to the dingy window, speaking with her back turned. "There is something I have to tell you, and after you hear it, you'll probably take the Nesbit case away from me," she muttered. Ike sat up, his eyes wide with alarm. Téa took a deep breath. "First, what I have to say goes no further than this room." She turned her head slightly, making sure her boss nodded in agreement. She clenched her fists, husbanding her courage. "There is something you need to know. It's Todd…..he has a criminal record."

Ike let out a held breath noisily. That wasn't too bad. He had been fearing something a lot worse. Actually, the news didn't surprise him all that much, given the anti-social nature of Téa's significant other. "Go on," he prompted, sure that he was about to hear of a bar fight or a case of destructive vandalism.

Téa turned away, unable to face him as she said the words. "For rape."

"What?!!" shouted Ike, bounding out of his chair. "Rape? Did you say rape?" he asked incredulously. Unable to keep her tears in check, Téa nodded miserably. "Oh my God," Ike muttered, bringing up his hands to hold his head. Suddenly his eyes grew wide. He approached Téa, grabbing her arm to make her face him. "Téa, you aren't….he didn't…"

"No!" she cried, yanking away. "Not me! It was a long time ago, when he was in college….a date rape situation. I'm not making excuses for him, Ike. He did some brutal, horrible things back then. But he went to prison, got some help, and I'm convinced he'll never do anything like that again."

"But Téa, you know the statistics. Rapists are usually repeat…"

"The statistics are wrong in this case," said Téa forcefully. She wiped at her eyes. "Look, Ike. No one feels worse about what he did than Todd. Frankly, he's haunted by it almost every day of his life. It's a struggle to get him to enjoy a little happiness once in a while. He feels he doesn't deserve it. And before you go judging him, you should know that he was the victim of terrible abuse when he was a child. No, it doesn't erase his crimes, but it does make them easier to understand."

"Understand? I don't know if I can, Téa," said Ike, helplessly throwing his hands out to either side.

Téa sniffed loudly. "Well, you may as well hear the rest of it, Ike. You or anyone else could search Todd's criminal record, but I prefer you hear it from me. Although the rape was his only conviction, Todd has been charged with other crimes. He even stood trial once, for kidnapping." Ike slapped his hand over his eyes, sinking to the desktop weakly.

"What else?" he asked in a tired voice. Shaking, Téa dashed away a tear from her cheek. She knew that Ike would find her next revelation the hardest to bear. She only hoped that she had the power to make him understand.

"Todd and I were estranged during our first marriage, and I was a witness against him at his pretrial hearing." Ike didn't move or respond. "I…I gave testimony about something that happened between us when Todd was scared, on the run, without sleep or food for days. We were stuck together in an old garden shed, and…and I taunted him with the rape. Well, he was at the end of his rope and he lost control for a moment. Before I knew what was happening, he…"

"No, don't tell me this!" shouted Ike, jumping to his feet and grabbing her roughly by the shoulders. "He hit you? That bastard hit you and you can still sit here and defend him? To me of all people? You hypocrite!" He released her abruptly, turning away with his face twisted in contempt.

"Don't you call me that!" cried Téa, goaded into anger. "I am not a hypocrite, Ike Dawson, and don't you forget it!" she screamed. She marched around his formidable body and planted herself in front of him, staring into his hostile eyes. "You don't understand anything about me, or about Todd, or what we were going through back then. Todd is not like the abusive men we deal with here. He had a momentary lapse and he has worked hard to deal with it and make sure it can never happen again. He lashes out verbally sometimes, but I wouldn't be with him if I weren't convinced I am absolutely safe with him. If I can forgive him, who are you to judge him, Ike?"

"You're delusional, Téa! If he lost control before, it's only a matter of time before he does it again. I care about you, and I couldn't bear to see you hurt like some of these women…"

"That's enough, Ike!" shouted Téa, her eyes hard. "You're my boss, and you've shown me nothing but kindness. You have placed your trust in me with the Nesbit case, and I felt obliged to disclose information that could be used to fluster me in court to the detriment of our client. You have the right to remove me from the case if you see fit. But you have no rights at all when it comes to my private life. I love Todd, I know who he is now, and I choose to put his crimes where they belong--firmly in the past. I have no delusions about Todd, but I know he will never deliberately hurt me ever again."

"Oh, Téa," said Ike, throwing up his hands as he sank into a chair with a weary sigh. "If I only had a penny for every time I've heard those words…" He looked up at her angry stance, pained beyond words. She stared at him defiantly.

"So, am I off the case or not?" she snapped.

He shook his head helplessly. "I don't know," he said, staring at the floor in concentration. "My gut reaction is hell, yeah, you're off the case!" Téa blinked, her lips trembling slightly. Ike's shoulders slumped in resignation. "But I need to chew this over a bit, see if there is a strategy we can use to pre-empt an attack from the prosecution." He looked up at her, unable to keep a small amount of sympathy from showing through. "Look, the bottom line is you're the best we've got for this case, and we're up against a wall. Let me think about what you've told me, do a little research, and I'll make a decision next week."

Téa tried hard not to show her disappointment. Although she had feared the worst, in her fantasies, Ike had shrugged off the news, clapped her on the back, and urged her on to do battle. She didn't blame him for his reaction, but the reality of the disappointment she had caused him was hard to bear. "Fine," she snapped. He stood up, momentarily dwarfing her. To her surprise, he chucked her under the chin, forcing her to look into his face.

"Look, I hope you realize that everything I've said has been out of concern for your welfare," he said softly.

"I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself."

"I know that. I hope you know that I care about you. No one else will find out about any of this from me, even Clarice. But be careful, Téa, please." Téa pulled away from his touch just as someone knocked at the door. Composing herself, she bid the person to enter.

"Sorry, Ike, Téa," said Rayleen Owens, Téa's assistant. She seemed very agitated. "I know you asked not to be disturbed, but Mr. Manning's assistant is on the phone. She says it is an emergency and she…she sounds upset."

"Todd!" cried Téa softly as she sprinted for the phone. Shaking, she lifted the receiver. "Lou? What's wrong?" Ike and Rayleen stared at her intently as she listened in silence. Aware of their scrutiny, she tried her best not to react to the panicked voice on the other end. "OK, listen to me," she said, cutting into the secretary's frantic ramblings. "Keep everyone away from his office until I get there. I'm coming right down." She rang off, fumbling for her coat and purse in a daze.

"Téa?" asked Ike in a worried tone. "Did something happen to Todd?"

"He's…..upset. I have to go talk to him."

"Are you out of your mind? I could hear his secretary's voice all the way over here! He's 'out of control' again!" Téa looked at him accusingly, gesturing at Rayleen with her head. Ike looked at the secretary with annoyance, gently ushering her through the door. "Thank you very much, Rayleen, but I have something to discuss with Ms. Delgado." He slammed the door.

"There's nothing to discuss, Ike. Todd needs me. Now get out of my way."

"How can I let you go, Téa, after what you just told me? He could hurt you again!"

"That's it! Either get out of my way now, or you'll find my resignation on your desk within the hour! I told you, Ike, I won't allow you or anyone else to interfere in my relationship with Todd. He's a difficult man, and hard to understand, but I love him. So, unless you're prepared to use physical force to restrain me, I suggest you let me go!"

His dark eyes flashing in anger, Ike marched to the door, flung it open and gestured for Téa to pass. Staring at him defiantly, she marched out. Trembling slightly, Ike slammed the door behind her, pounding on it with his fist.

"I just pray you don't end up as one more statistic, Téa," he said through gritted teeth.

As Téa burst through the door to the office, she found Todd's secretary Lou with her back to his door, covering her ears with her hands and her eyes tightly shut. Apparently, she wasn't successful at blocking out the noise, because she cringed at every crash and curse coming from the inner office. Inwardly terrified, Téa swallowed hard as she approached the secretary, determined to retain her cool in the face of yet another bout of Toddian chaos. She touched the woman's elbow, causing her to jump.

"It's OK, now Lou. I'll handle it from here. Thank you so much for calling."

Lou almost melted with relief. She ran for her desk and began gathering her things. She hesitated a moment, looking up guiltily. "I…I could stay if you like, Ms. Delgado," she said grudgingly.

"No, that's OK," said Téa, feigning confidence. "This will probably take a while and there's no reason for you to hang around."

The secretary hesitated in the outer door. "You know, I try my best and I put up with a lot from him," she said, gesturing to the inner door. "But I don't know how much more of this I can take," she said, breaking down in sobs. Téa walked briskly to her side, hugging her and patting her back.

"I know," she said, her own voice breaking. "I, of all people, know exactly what you mean. He's a difficult man, Lou. We both know that. All I can tell you is that Todd depends on you and would be lost if you decided to quit. Please consider carefully before you make any decisions."

Lou nodded miserably. "You take care," she whispered. "When he's like this…"

"I will," said Téa. "I'll call you tonight." With a final look of trepidation, Lou slipped out the door. Taking a deep breath, Téa gingerly approached the door to Todd's office. She put her ear up to the heavy wood. For the moment, she couldn't make out a single sound. Tapping lightly, she knocked on the door.

"Get the hell out!" shouted Todd. Téa heard an object crash into the other side of the door. Gritting her teeth, she opened the door a crack. "Didn't you hear me?" screamed Todd. Téa braced for another thrown item, but it never came.

"Todd? It's me," she said in a calm, quiet voice.

"Go away, Delgado. I don't trust myself around you. Not today." Téa heard something…a book, perhaps a ledger, crash against the far wall.

Sucking up her courage, Téa opened the door all the way. She drew her breath in sharply as she surveyed the wreck that faced her. Monitors, keyboards, desk accessories had all been flung around the room unceremoniously. The entire bar, including decanters, coffee maker and cups and saucers had been systematically smashed against the nearest wall. The desk and chair were overturned. The artwork on the walls had the glass completely broken out of it. Todd sat on the floor in the middle of the chaos, seemingly oblivious to the mess he had made. He had a file drawer open and he was rhythmically emptying every single folder into a huge pile in the center of the office. He glanced up as Téa approached, unable to keep the look of horror off her face.

"Oh, Querido," she breathed, hunching down next to him. "What happened? Lou said an overnight express letter arrived, and the next thing she knew, you were screaming at her to get out."

"Nice try, Counselor," he sneered. "But we both know what happened, don't we? You happened. You and your great big fat mouth!" He snatched at Téa's purse and before she could react, he had flung it against the wall, causing the contents to fly in a dozen different directions. Téa stared in shock a few moments, then shook off her anger. She knew Todd was trying to goad her into leaving, and she wasn't going to give in.

"Why don't you just tell me anyway?" she asked calmly. She really didn't have a clue what he was talking about and she didn't want to waste time playing cat and mouse with him.

"You know, I really bought it this time," he said, shaking his head with a derisive laugh. "I really thought you cared about me, even more than your cute little do-gooder job. I thought you'd choose me. What a laugh, huh?" He looked at her, his eyes bright with unshed tears in spite of the grin on his lips.

"Todd, you know you are the most important thing in my life, and that includes my job. Why do you think otherwise?"

"Why? Why?" he said, letting his anger escalate again. Suddenly, he lunged for her, grabbing both her shoulders. "Because you told them! You had to 'disclose' my past to your nosy boss, and now that old biddy Delacroix has pulled the plug on our deal."

"Todd, what are you talking about?" asked Téa, wildly searching his face for a clue. "What does Ike have to do with Mrs. Delacroix, and why has she balked at the sale?"

"You said you were going to tell him, Téa, in spite of the fact that I begged you not to. I told you he couldn't keep his mouth shut, and I was right." He released her abruptly, rummaging frantically through the pile of papers in front of him. After looking at several and discarding them again, he held one up triumphantly. "Loose lips sink ships. Haven't you ever heard that, Delgado? Well, Mr. Ike 'Big Mouth' Dawson just torpedoed mine." He shoved the paper into her chest, glaring at her. Maintaining eye contact, Téa took the document from him, looking away only to read it.

Téa looked up at Todd, her eyes full of sympathy. "Oh Amor," she whispered. "You have a case for breach of contract. You had a verbal agreement."

"Ever the lawyer, huh Delgado? Sure, why don't I fight it? That way my crimes can become national news. Hey, maybe my kid can see it when she turns on the TV to watch cartoons." He snorted angrily, his eyes hard. "I told you not to say anything to your boss. Now I'm going to have to kill him." He watched for her reaction, waiting in vain to see her cringe at his threat.

"Ike isn't responsible for this, Todd. He couldn't be. I just told him less than an hour ago."

Todd's eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed in distrust. "Covering your butt again?" he growled.

"No. It's the truth. I think you know that." Taking a chance, she sidled a little closer to him, ignoring the pieces of broken plastic and crumpled paper beneath her. To her relief, he didn't move away. "Todd, the sad truth is your past is a matter of public record. Anyone with access to the criminal database can retrieve your entire record. Heck, a simple search on the internet would turn up enough information to make anyone nervous. I know you think that living in a big city makes you anonymous, unlike in Llanview, but the fact of the matter is that there is no way to maintain complete privacy anymore. I'm afraid this is only the first of many incidents. If people are open-minded, and willing to judge you by what you've accomplished since your trouble with the law, you'll do fine. If you run into some judgmental bitch like Mrs. Delacroix, it won't go as well."

"And what did Saint Ike have to say? Huh? I'll bet he wants to nominate me for the Nobel Prize." He dropped his hands to his lap, looking defeated.

"You know he wasn't pleased, Todd. But he didn't fire me out of hand. He wants to think it over. Given some time, I think he might be able to get past it and understand that you've changed, that you're not the same person who did those awful things."

"I'm never going to get past it, Téa. It's always with me. We would have been better off just running away and changing our names. Disappearing."

"So we could never see Starr or any of our family again? So any children we have would grow up not knowing who they really are? I don't think you really want that kind of anonymity, Todd. It comes with too high a price."

"I'm just so tired, Téa. Tired of fighting to prove myself every single day, only to have an old lady Delacroix kick me in the balls." Very slowly, Téa reached out a hand to stroke his hair, allowing herself the tiniest smile when he didn't flinch away.

"I know, Querido. But you're not alone. I'm right by your side. And I'm convinced that trying to hide is not the answer for either one of us. Yes, it hurt to tell Ike, but it's better than keeping it secret. And Mrs. Delacroix's ragsheet isn't worth all you've put yourself through. There will be other deals, and other cases, but what we have together is all that matters."

"Don't you hate me?" he asked. "I know how much you wanted that case, and now you may lose it because of me. Not to mention what your boss must think of you now. And….and I just accused you of selling me out instead of facing the fact that I'm scum and there is no way to hide it." He looked at her closely, watching for any sign of disgust.

She leaned in and kissed him on the lips lightly. "I could never hate you, Todd. I love you. But I hate it when you do this to yourself. You should be proud of how you've managed to put your past behind you and make a life for yourself."

"Yeah, right," he sighed. He looked around the destroyed room, seemingly at a loss. "What do we do now, Téa? Tell me, I don't know."

"I think I know exactly what we both need right now, Todd." Jumping to her feet, she began a search through the rubble, throwing aside chairs and papers. Finally she found the phone buried under an overturned drawer. Replacing the receiver, she lifted it and hissed a sigh of relief as she heard the dial tone. She dialed in an extension number.

"Paul? It's Ms. Delgado. Can you have the plane ready to go in….say an hour? Good. Yeah, we'll see you then. Destination? An easy one, Paul. Llanview, Pennsylvania." She hung up to see Todd looking up at her with a scowl on his face.

"Llandfill? Oh yeah, that will make me feel better. Why don't you just pull my fingernails out by the roots? It will be less painful."

"Look, we need to get away from this city for a few days. It's almost Easter. Why not spend it with Starr? She has a way of making both of us realize what's important in life."

"Yeah, unless Asa has shown her how to surf the internet and find out about her old man."

"Even Asa isn't that cruel, Todd. He really is fond of Starr. But it is the reason why you need to see Starr and reinforce your love for her. Because someday she will find out about your past, and if she's the smart girl I know she is, she'll judge you by who you are then, not by what it says on some computer monitor."

He shook his head, unwilling to believe. Looking at the destruction of his office he said, "What about this mess?"

"We'll get maintenance on it when we leave," she said as she tried to retrieve her scattered belongings and stuff them back in her purse. "Come Monday morning it will all be good as new."

"Too bad I won't," he said climbing slowly to his feet. Téa recovered his coat and helped him put it on. He was completely drained, reacting to her prompting as though his limbs were made of jello. Taking his hand, she drew him through the door, shutting it firmly behind her.

"You may be surprised, Todd. Easter is about rebirth, after all." Shrugging helplessly, Todd followed her to the elevator.

© Copyright by Mary Catherine Wilson 2000