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February 17, 2001

"Here you go, Mr. Manning," said Lou as she deposited a stack of tabloid newspapers on Todd's desk. "Today's edition of every periodical you own." Todd didn't acknowledge the presence of his secretary. He continued clicking the mouse on his computer, his eyes glued to the monitor. "Will there be anything else, Sir?" asked Lou, her mouth a thin line of annoyance.

"Huh?" asked her boss, seeming to notice her for the first time. "Oh, the papers." He began riffling through the stack, checking the headline on each one. A slow smile spread over his features and a low chuckle of approval escaped from his lips. Shaking her head, Lou turned on her heel and left the room. When he heard the door slam a little more loudly than usual, Todd looked up. "Thanks, Lou," he said to the empty room. Shrugging, he continued looking through the newspapers until he found the New York Tattler, the flagship of his growing collection of supermarket rag sheets. The cover showed a particularly unflattering photograph of movie star Frank Deacon under the headline 'Hollywood Hunk in Valentine's Brawl'. The other papers carried similar headlines, with sketchily reported stories hinting at the star's drinking and woman battering. "Oh yeah," said Todd with a satisfied smirk. "This ought to sell a few scandal sheets."

Suddenly the door to his office flew open, crashing back against the wall. Téa stalked up to the desk, her dark eyes flashing in anger. She threw down a copy of the Tattler. "What the hell is this?" she asked through gritted teeth. Todd fixed her with a wide-eyed innocent stare.

"Why, precious," he said in a singsong mocking tone. "I think it is quite obvious that it's the Tattler. Did you like the new ad lay-out for the Psychic Hotline?" He flinched as she banged both fists into the desk top, leaning over and getting right into his face.

"You know damned well what I'm talking about Todd!" she shouted. "You promised not to run this story! You've made me into a liar!" Tears of anger stood in her eyes.

"That was you who made that promise, Delgado, not me. A story like that doesn't fall into your lap every day. I'd have been a fool not to run with it."

"Don't you get it?" asked Téa in exasperation. "I assaulted Frank Deacon the other night! He agreed to drop the charges in exchange for my silence. Now that you've outted him as a woman beater, he's bound to come after me. I could lose my license over this!" Todd stood up and walked around the desk so that he was next to Téa.

"Don't get your panties in a wad," he said, rolling his eyes. "You know as well as I do that that pussy movie star doesn't have the guts. He won't press charges against you because it would mean more bad publicity, and he's got enough of that as it is. Besides, I don't mention you by name. See, it says 'reliable witness'."

"But I gave my word, Todd. Doesn't that mean anything to you? I told his publicist that I'd keep the story out of the press if Frank got professional help for his problems. Now you've made me break my promise."

"C'mon, Delgado! You're a lawyer. Broken promises are just part of the job." He folded his arms across his chest and glared at her defiantly, refusing to flinch at the angry sparks in her eyes.

"How dare you say that to me?" answered Téa in a dangerously low tone of voice. "If it gets out on the street that I can't keep my mouth shut, what will my clients think?"

"Who cares?" asked Todd in an insulting tone. "They're not paying you anything. As far as I'm concerned, they don't get to complain about the service if they can't come up with the cash."

"I work in a free law clinic, Todd! My clients are people who can't afford to pay, but they're entitled to the best service I can provide!" Téa stood before him, trembling with suppressed rage. A tear escaped a corner of each eye as she suddenly collapsed into a chair.

"Why are you doing this, Todd?" she whimpered, holding her stomach as she fought to control her sobs.

"Duh! To sell papers!"

"That's not the whole story and you know it! You've deliberately picked a fight with me! You're trying to push me away, and I don't know why!"

"You're imagining things, Delgado. This isn't about you."

"Oh?" said Téa in a quiet voice. "Have I imagined the fact that you've hardly been home since the night I was nearly arrested? Something is bothering you, I can tell."

"Yeah, it's bothering me that the circulation numbers for my papers are in the toilet! I've been trying to get things turned around, and you don't do that sitting at home." Téa looked at him for a long time without speaking, and Todd began to squirm under her scrutiny. Slowly, she bowed her head and began to remove the large engagement ring on her left hand.

"I'm not going through this again," she mumbled half to herself. Todd paled as he watched her place the ring on his desk.

"You're leaving me because I worked late a couple of nights?" he asked incredulously. Téa shook her head.

"No, Todd. I'm not leaving you. When I left Llanview with you, I promised myself that I wasn't going to run out at the first sign of trouble. But I'm not going to marry you."

"I thought that's what you wanted!" he shouted angrily. "I just don't get you, Delgado!"

"Well, back at you, Todd! Something about engagements causes you to go off the deep end. Look at what happened after that night at the Palace. You ran out and got involved in the Georgie Phillips murder! And now this! Something has you running scared, Todd, and it hurts me that you won't tell me what's bothering you."

"How many times do I have to tell you! I'm not running from anything, I'm just trying to sell a few papers." Todd sat down wearily in his desk chair, leaning his head against the tall back. "You're over-reacting, Téa. Look, I'll try to make it home earlier. Now will you please put the ring back on?"

"Have you seen Dr. Clark this week?" asked Téa quietly. Todd broke eye contact.

"Uh, no, I…uh…had to reschedule. I'm too busy."

"I thought so," said Téa, nodding her head and wiping at her eyes. "Todd what are you so afraid of that you can't talk to me or your therapist?"

"I'm not afraid of anything! Jeez, where do you come up with this stuff?"

"Todd, just a few nights ago, you proposed and provided me with one of the most romantic evenings of my life."

"In a police station," Todd snorted under his breath.

"We made love all night. I was so happy." Tears started to leak from Téa's eyes again. "But when I woke up you were gone and I've hardly seen you since. Then you go and break your promise to me with this story in the Tattler!"

"That's enough!" shouted Todd, banging both fists on the desk. "I didn't promise anything! Sharing ugly stories about movie stars is my business, Téa, my job. I can't understand why you don't get that! It's not like you gave a damn about what I thought when you decided to become the caped crusader for battered women." Téa's eyes widened in shock at his words. Todd sat back abruptly. "Look, forget I said that, OK? I didn't mean…"

"So that's it!" snapped Téa. "How could I have been so blind."

"You don't know anything, Delgado, except that I have a paper to run. Let's talk about this some other time."

"Oh, no, Todd. You don't drop a bomb like that and then retreat." She stood up and leaned over the desk toward him, staring into his eyes. "I'm right, aren't I? My work with abused women bothers you. That incident in the restaurant with Frank Deacon, seeing the damage he inflicted on that girl… it brought it all to the surface. That's why you've been avoiding me!"

Todd looked away from her penetrating gaze. "You're imagining things. You've been hanging around shrinks too much."

"My work brings up uncomfortable memories from the past--things you'd rather forget, isn't that it, Todd?"

"No! Look, Téa, you're reading way too much into this. I just saw an opportunity to sell some papers, and I ran with it." He forced himself to look into her eyes and he could tell she wasn't buying it. Sighing deeply in defeat, he began to run his fingers through his hair. "You know what I've been through to get away from my past. I had to move away from my kid and make another life in this big city. No one knows me here, and I like it that way. What do you think all the other goody-two-shoes lawyers you work with are gonna say when they find out who I am, Téa? How are you going to explain that you're married to a convicted rapist?"

Téa leaned back and softened her stance. Slowly, she moved around the desk and reached out a hand to caress Todd's chin. She looked into his expressive eyes. As usual, she couldn't resist him when he finally let down the barriers and allowed her a glimpse of his true feelings. "That's my problem, Querido, not yours. If I can't make them understand about who you are now, then I'm not a very good lawyer. But you don't have to worry about it."

"How can I forget it, Téa? Every time I think I've finally got a chance to put the past behind me, it rears its ugly head. What if someone uses it to trip you up in court? Calls you a hypocrite because you're with me? Your life will be ruined, too."

"Todd, I wouldn't have a life without you! The only thing I can't tolerate is when you run away instead of sharing things that are bothering you." They both turned around abruptly when they heard the door open.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," said Lou, looking embarrassed. "I didn't know you were here, Ms. Delgado."

"It's my fault, Lou. You were away from your desk and my business with Mr. Manning was….urgent."

Lou noticed the tension between them, and cleared her throat. "The gentlemen from the New Jersey paper are here, Sir. Shall I reschedule the appointment?"

"No!" said Téa forcefully. "I'm just leaving." Lou went to speak to the visitors. Téa picked up her coat and briefcase and prepared to leave. Todd followed her every move as she gathered her possessions.

"So, are we OK, Delgado?" asked Todd. He looked near tears.

"I think we're almost there, Todd, but we need to continue this conversation. Is there a chance you can actually make it home at a decent hour tonight?"

"Yeah," he said, looking relieved. He reached out and took her engagement ring from the top of his desk. "Will you put this back on?"

"Do you want me to? If you have all these mixed feelings…"

He grabbed her hand and pushed the ring on her finger somewhat forcefully. "I don't have mixed feelings about this, Téa. I want to marry you and have a family. If my past threatens our happiness, then we'll just run away again."

"It won't come to that, I swear," she said in a quiet voice. "I'll see you at…six?"

"I'll be there." He followed her every move until she left the office with a little wave. "Oh yeah, I'll be there," he muttered under his breath. "But it would be better for you, Delgado, if I never showed up."

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It was nearly 7:00pm by the time Todd made it home to the penthouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Sure, traffic had been bad, but he had to admit that he had dragged his feet at the office. He dreaded continuing the conversation they had begun that afternoon. Now that Delgado had discovered his vulnerability, there would be no stopping her until she picked him clean, and there was nothing he hated more than having to share his feelings.

At first he didn't see Téa in the darkened living room, but a second glance revealed her slender form silhouetted against the crackling fire. She was cradling a glass of white wine in her hand and Todd could just make out the glint of tears on her cheeks. Sighing deeply, he tossed his overcoat on the floor and managed to pour himself a stiff portion of scotch in the dim light. He approached Téa and gingerly sat on an ottoman just behind her position on the floor. He cleared his throat.

"Look, Delgado, I know you're ticked at me 'cause I'm late," he began. "But I figured you wouldn't want me running back to the office to fix stuff tonight, and it took me a little longer than I thought to get everything ready for that deal tomorrow." Téa sniffed and wiped at her face, but she didn't turn around or speak. "C'mon, Delgado…" began Todd, but Téa cut him off.

"I'm not mad at you, Todd," she said quietly. "I'm angry at myself. All these months and I didn't see it. I didn't realize how much my work bothered you. I should have known that it would bring up all your insecurities about violence against women. Why didn't you say anything before now?"

"Look. You don't tell me what to print in my papers, and I don't tell you who you can have as a client." Todd took another gulp of the scotch.

Téa snorted. "Since when? You always tried to dictate which cases I took back in Llanview. Why should things be any different now?"

"Because I'm different, Téa! You made me go through all that therapy crap, remember? I'm trying to be all touchy-feely here."

Téa laughed softly in spite of herself. "Well, you forgot Rule #1 of Touchy-Feely, Todd. Tell me when something is bothering you instead of running away." Téa turned around so her back was facing the fire. She looked up at Todd, who was staring into the flames, lost in thought. The pain in his eyes was noticeable. "Are you going to tell me what this is all about?" she asked softly.

"I told you, Téa. I'm trying to buy up a bunch of tired little papers and radio stations and turn them into a media group. It's….it's just easier if the subject of my past isn't on the table along with the offer."

"I can understand that, Todd, but I know you can deal with any fall-out over that. I've seen you handle it time and time again. I don't think that is the real reason this incident with Frank Deacon bothered you so much." The silence stretched on uncomfortably. Téa waited, sipping her wine, knowing that it was extremely difficult for Todd to talk about his feelings.

"You know everything, don't you Delgado?" said Todd with a sarcastic edge to his voice. Téa was surprised by the cutting words, but held her tongue. Ever so slowly, Todd pulled his eyes away from the dancing fire. His gaze locked on hers. "Do I have to spit it out? Maybe it's the times I saw Peter Manning shaking my mom the way that prick did to that girl the other night. Or is it from listening to him call her names just like little Frankie boy loves to do?" He stood up and began to pace. Téa fought back her concern as she saw him getting more and more agitated. "No, it couldn't be any of that! My shrink is supposed to wipe away all those unhappy thoughts," he taunted. "Let's see….you work with battered women, you helped that girl, but….oh yeah….you're going to marry me, a rapist."

"Former rapist!" said Téa quickly. Todd fixed her with a look of contempt.

"Oh right. It was a long time ago. That makes it all right then, huh Delgado?"

"That's not what I’m saying, Todd. What you did to women in the past was reprehensible, but you got help, you paid for your crimes, and I know you'll never do anything like that again."

"How can you be so sure, Téa? You, of all people!" Suddenly, his scotch glass went flying into the fireplace, breaking apart with a loud crash. The remaining alcohol caused the fire to flare up for a few moments, illuminating the look of utter self-loathing on Todd's face. Téa flinched, but remained staring into his eyes defiantly. Todd suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her, fighting back tears. Shaking, he reached out a hand and caressed her cheek. "What about this?" he asked in a ragged whisper. "I hit you, Téa. After everything I saw my mom go through, I still punched you in the face. I'm a batterer, just like my dad. How can you counsel those women, knowing that the man you live with is no better than the creeps they're trying to dump?" He pulled away, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face against them.

Téa crawled over to him, wanting to take him in her arms and hold him, but she knew he would only flinch away when he was this upset. Fighting back the tears, she reached out a hand and tried a small caress on his shaking back. He stiffened, but didn't pull away. Sniffing deeply, she began to speak to him in a low voice. "Todd, I've been sitting here all afternoon thinking about this, and the fact is that you are different than most of the men my clients are escaping. Yes, you hit me once, when you were hunted, sleep deprived, and I taunted you. It wasn't right, but neither was it right for me to hit you with the shovel shortly after. It's not an excuse, but I've learned to get past it and forgive you, Todd. I wish you'd learn to forgive yourself." He didn't say anything, but Téa could tell he was listening to her. "You're trying to deal with some awful things that happened to you when you were at an impressionable age. I'm very sorry if my work with battered women has made it harder on you."

"It's not your fault, Delgado," he said in a muffled voice, still not raising his head from his knees.

"I know, but it's going to be an uphill battle for us, Todd, and we don't need this coming between us. You once told me that you and I don't get to be happy. Well, maybe not, but I want to give it a shot." Reaching over, she pulled a document from the coffee table. "Look at me, Todd," she ordered. He raised his head very slowly and Téa's heart about broke when she saw the pain in his wet eyes. "You are the most important thing in my life. This city has any number of people that need low-cost legal advice. I don't have to work with battered women." She held out the paper, letting him take it.

Todd read the document in silence, his face not showing any reaction. When he had finished reading, he slowly lowered it to his side. "You'd do this for me?" he asked in a weak voice. "Even after I pissed you off by running that Frank Deacon story?"

"Yes. I'm resigning from the firm. I'll find somewhere else where my skills can help those in need." Todd shook his head in disbelief, still amazed that Téa could love him, of all people. Sighing deeply, he crumpled up the paper and threw it into the fire.

"I don't want you to stop helping those women, Delgado," he said as he watched it burn. "They….they don't have anywhere else to turn, you know? Maybe if my mom…." Suddenly, he shook himself, ridding himself of a painful thought. "Don't resign. I'll deal with my own junk. Just don't be surprised when my past rears up and bites us both in the butt someday."

"We'll get through it, Todd. Together."

"Yeah," he said, wiping at his eyes. He held out his hand to her, bidding her to join him by the fire. She settled comfortable in his arms, both of them facing the inviting flames. "I don't know if it was seeing what that jerk movie star did, or being in a police station again, but that night I had a nightmare."

"That's why you were gone so early in the morning. Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"Well, you were pretty tired after all that celebrating we did when we got home." She grinned and could feel his smile in the way he held her. The heat and the alcohol were helping them both relax. "I shouldn't have pushed you away," he said quietly.

"No, you shouldn't have, but I understand now. Todd, your past is your past. There's no changing that. It's our future that is important to me now, and I need you to trust me and be honest with me--even when it hurts."

"I'll try…."

"Try harder." They sat together, just holding each other, reveling in the love each of them could feel from the other, and sharing the relief of knowing that once again, that love had proved stronger than any shade from the past.

© Mary Catherine Wilson 2000