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LOOKING BACK: THANKS MEMORIES
by
April


As I sit here in this lonely penthouse, my mind is flooded with memories, not all of them good. I have myself to blame for that I am afraid. You see, a few years ago I had everything a man could want. I was a very successful newspaper publisher, a father who was adored by his little girl, I had a warm loving home, and one very beautiful and understanding wife. I let it all slip through my hands, because I was a selfish bastard.

I not only ruined my life, but I ruined Starr's and unfortunately even Téa's. I know that I can't change that now, but I can still regret it every day of my life. I am no longer the dark untouchable form of miserable existence that I was. I have changed greatly, thanks to the haunting memories of one woman. She is the reason for the remarkable change in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still miserable, she isn't here; and I am still pretty "evil" and frightening, but I enjoy that. It still allows me to be me, well, the part of me that still tends to seek out things like that. Of course we both know that I wouldn't be Thomas Todd Manning if I wasn't BAD. hahaha!!

Anyway, that is a totally different story. You see, I had the second chance that most guys in my predicament would kill for, and I blew it to hell too. When I blew this popsicle stand of a town, I took away my body, but I left my emotional body here along with a lot of hurt and disgraced people, namely Téa. I made a fool out of her, I know that now. It wasn't my intention. I NEVER intended for any of that stuff to come out, or even to do it in a way. Yes, I did it to keep my sorry ass out of the slammer, but I didn't intent to get caught, especially by my own kid. I didn't want to hurt Téa, I NEVER wanted to hurt her. She had way too much of that as a kid. But in the end I screwed up royally and in the process found out that I was actually screwed up in the head. Thanks to the crap Peter Manning did when I was a kid; he was the real selfish bastard. Anyway, after being gone 15 months and 8 days, I finally got a grip on my life and realized that no matter how far I ran I would ALWAYS be haunted by that woman...my woman. So I went back into the pits of hell, better know as Llanview, PA. I had to go back for her. So I did.

I saw Starr and tried to make it up to her by enlisting her into my plan. I got Téa to come to Viki's cabin. Sure, you could say that I tricked her into coming there, but you can't tell me she didn't know that it was me all along. Besides, we both know she wouldn't have gone to the cabin or even left with me IF she didn't know that it was me and that we were meant for each other. I didn't promise a bunch of empty promises this time. I just promised what I knew. We didn't get "Happily Ever After" or any of that other mushy crap like being happy. We are more than that, I know it and I know that deep down she knows it too. Yeah I know I sound like a complete prick, but that's who I am. It worked cause she left Llanview to be with me, well she did for a little while anyway.

The next 5 months were killer. We traveled to exotic locations. We shopped like crazy, I HATE shopping. I took her around the world. I tried to show her how I REALLY felt about her. I think I succeeded in that. I did little things. I brought her flowers and special gifts to say thank you, and I love you. I had a terrible time trying to say the last three words. I guess it wasn't enough. She wanted Physical, and I tried for what seemed like forever.

Finally, one night I got the balls to do it. No holds barred I was gonna show her how I felt, I was gonna finally make love to the woman I loved, the one person who captured my heart. I arranged for our suite to be lit to the gills in candles and peach roses, those are her favorites, while we were out having dinner and walking along the beach. I did my best to make everything perfect for her and I was surprisingly relaxed for the first time in my life.

So our evening was going great: we had a great dinner some light dancing to some salsa music, that is her favorite, and a peaceful moonlight walk along the beach. I was excited and even a little scared, but I was doing this because I loved her. Because I knew that she would enjoy it. She was funny that way. Okay, so we make it back to the hotel, things are going good. We are holding hands and hugging and all that other cool stuff that chicks really dig. It wasn't even that bad. I kinda liked it even. Go figure. Todd Manning getting mushy, what was I thinking?

Anyway so we get to the room and she's putting the moves on me and to her surprise I'm getting into it too. So when she comes up for air standing outside the door to our room, I pull away just enough to open the door and give her a little shove in. She gets all teary and starts the water works going on about how great everything looks and how I had time to do all of this and even think of it for that matter. I just kinda shrug it off like I have for so long. Things start getting hot again after she stops crying, and she has taken more than enough time to survey the place and gather enough thoughts to be on my psycho wavelength. It's kinda scary when she does that. Then without taking time to think about what I'm doing, I start pawing her. I mean REALLY pawing her and she grooving with me and we're kissing and it's great.

Then she starts to unbutton my shirt. My mind starts catching up to me and I start thinking and its crazy and I tense up and pull away. Then she stops and looks into my eyes...she gently places her hand against my cheek and whispers "It's okay Todd. I love you. I'm here for you. I'll protect you." As suddenly as my panic attack started it went away. It was totally weird. I have NEVER in my life experienced anything like it and still haven't for that matter. But anyway, so I'm cool again and things start happening again, and I don't freak this time. It's wild! She's so gentle with me and lets me determine the pace that we go. And surprisingly enough, I did it. I mean we...we did it. We made love. It was crazy cool!! I'm talking like nothing ever before. Fireworks and all that stuff that people talk about. I NEVER thought I would experience something like that. I didn't think that sex could be so intense. It was so great, we fell asleep in each other's arms. Well, I guess that night wasn't everything I thought it was. When I woke up the next morning to my surprise Téa was nowhere to be seen. All I found was a note saying that she loved me but she couldn't be with me. I knew it. It was too good to be true. She promised me that sex wouldn't change the way she felt. But I KNEW that it would. SEX ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY!!!! So that was it. She was gone, it was over. Whatever it was.

I unfortunately made my way back to HELL, aka Llanview. I got back and Viki was some kind of pod-Viki, and was marrying so mob dude, who ended up to be Asa and Renee's son. Blair was submitting to the Cramer Craziness, and begging Max not to leave her for Ms. Daddy's Money Skye Chandler and everything was crazy so I did what I knew. I tried my darndest to make everyone else's life as miserable as mine. Even Starr was starting to act like me. She started manipulating people and conniving and all sorts of stuff. Then I saw it. I realized that she was too much like her old dad. She was turning into a spiteful selfish little girl. That was it. I had had it with myself. I was changing for 3 reasons: Myself, my little girl, and as a thank you to Téa for making a difference in my life. So, as much as I hated it, I went to therapy. I started seeing Dr. Macelli the next week.

"Todd, Honey it's getting late. I just but the baby down. Starr's already asleep too. She fell asleep talking to Ashton on the phone. I'm going to bed, are you coming anytime soon?"

"Yeah, Delgado give me a few and I'll be there, Just gotta finish this chapter."

"Okay, well I'm gonna take a quick shower. G'night sweetheart" She said as she gave his shoulders a squeeze and kissed the top of his head, before leaving the room.

So, 4 years, 8 months, and 15 days later, here I am. The "New" Todd Manning. I do have it all. I have a great life. I'm a successful newspaper publisher/owner, a very loved father of two beautiful kids, and the most loving wife anyone could DREAM of. That is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. Thanks memories for a chance to look back.





© Copyright by April 2000.