into the light

- "Bad" U2

"You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.'"

-Angela, My So-Called Life

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I have a DATE, Tea said to herself. With TODD. This is so unreal. She stood in front of the mirror, putting the finishing touches on her outfit before heading out the door. She would be meeting Todd for dinner, and wanted to look perfect. She had changed clothes several times, wanting to look her best, but not like she was trying to look her best. She had her hair up, remembering how he had said long ago how he liked that, then down, not wanting to look like she was deliberately remembering that.. Agh. This is so HARD. She settled on her hair swept up, with wisps escaping here and there that just didn't want to stay put. Too late to fix that now. She wore a black dress, off the shoulder, not too revealing but definitely suggestive. But she didn't want to be suggesting too much.. Should she change?

It was a funny situation. After all, they had lived as a married couple for an entire year, it was not as if they'd never had dinner together. But not for a long time. And when they had gotten married, they had, well, skipped a few steps. Like dating. She barely knew him when she accepted his offer, so long ago.

So it was distressingly like a first date, and she was unusually nervous. They'd barely seen each other for months. When he had reappeared in her life, she was certain that he had no place in it anymore. But.. she had come to see that there was still a place in her heart for him. A big gaping hole, actually, that had hurt so badly when she lost him all those months ago. She firmly believed, at the time, that there was no way she would put herself through that heartache again.

But there is risk in everything. What you have to decide is: is the risk worth the prize? Yes. She wanted this to work more than she'd wanted anything in her whole life. It may come out all wrong, just like before, but she had to give it one more try. She loved the guy. She took a deep breath, and give herself one last appraising look. She smiled at herself, feeling her confidence surge. Not bad, girl. Are you ready for another try? Hell yeah. It's time for Round Two.

Todd looked at his watch for perhaps the thirtieth time. She's late. She's not coming. He drummed his fingers on the tablecloth, played with his silverware and continued to generally fidget until he saw the waiter approach.

"Are you ready to order sir?"

"No, I'm not ready, I'm waiting for my.. my, um, date." The man nodded and moved away. Todd returned to fidgeting. He figured he must look pretty stupid waiting here all this time when obviously noone was going to show. He should probably just go. Yeah, definitely, he was outta there. But wait.. she might still show up. Maybe. He turned to glance at the door again, turned back to the table. Quickly, back to the door again. Did he see....? Yes, there she was.

He wasn't the only man to turn and look. Tea looked stunning, the picture of poise and confidence and beauty as she smiled and took the arm of the maitre de, laughing softly at some joke he must have made. She spotted him across the room, and her face brightened into a welcoming smile, just for him. It never ceased to amaze him, the way she could do that. Make his heart pound like that. She took her seat across from him, apologized for her lateness. He sputtered something about it not being a big deal, as he was distracted by the opportunity to look her over up close. She was wearing the earrings he had given her after her accident, he noticed with a start. Should he say something about that? No, no, that would sound stupid. God, she looked great.

Wow, he looks so good.. She checked him out as discreetly as possible. He was all decked out for the occasion, Armani suit, his hair pushed smoothly behind his ears. He flashed a nervous smile at her as she took her seat, and her pulse raced.

Conversation occurred in fits and starts; they were a bit nervous. It was hard to know quite what to say. But even though not much was discussed, to be in each other's company again, after so long, was a pleasure. Frequently their gaze would meet, and each time it would hold a little longer. Usually Todd would make some joke, and they would laugh and look down. He was on Good Behavior tonight, using some semblance of table manners, keeping his voice down. He did, however, make fun of the waiters. He could find something funny about every one, and Tea tried not to laugh but found it difficult, especially with the mischievous grin it brought out of him.

They talked for awhile about Starr, who was living with Blair now. Todd went to see her at every possible opportunity, and generally made a nuisance of himself, especially when Dorian was around. Unfortunately, Tea was having a much harder time trying to see her former step- daughter; when she and Todd had become estranged and Todd lost custody, it became nearly impossible for her to get near Starr. It was a nightmare for Tea, who adored the little girl. They talked on the phone a lot, and Tea sneaked over to see her whenever she could (Kelly would often "forget" to mention to her cousin that Tea had been by..), but she missed being able to see her regularly. Todd promised to work something out with Blair, and to take Starr to visit Tea at her new office. Tea had just gone to work for Sam Rappaport's new firm, and had been flooded with clients. Sam spoke very highly of her skills, and sent her some very high-profile cases. Her career was on the rise, and she spoke excitedly of her upcoming day in court. Todd agreed to bring Starr by, sometime the next week. "So she can see what it's like, where you work."

Suddenly Todd's face darkened, and he went silent. Tea stopped midsentance, going over what she just said, and then turned to see Kevin, Asa, and Clint Buchanan sitting down to the table beside theirs. Tea had her back to them, but Todd, facing them, caught directly the derisive glares of all three. "Here I thought this was a classy joint," Kevin commented, laughing as he took his seat. "I wouldn't worry," said Asa, "that stray dog will be run back out of town any day now, let him enjoy it while he can." Tea couldn't see their faces, but she could see Todd's, and he was ready to explode.

"Oh look, it's the Wild Bunch, Grandpa __ and his little cowboys. I think it's time they saddled up and rode back west, civilization's too good for them."

He was starting to do that jaw-clenching thing, which meant trouble was on the way. "Todd, it's no use, forget about it. They don't matter." He glared at them and fiddled with his fork, ignoring the food that had just been set before them. The Buchanans had moved their conversation into family matters, and gave no further thought to their table. But the mood was spoilt.

She tried to turn the conversation back to her legal strategies, but Todd would have none of it; he was intent upon the other table and their conversation. They were discussing the Banner, of course, and their latest story. "Earth to Todd? Hey?!!" Tea was getting rather annoyed at this point, but he hadn't even noticed. The story they were struggling to open was already being covered by the next edition of The Sun, he realized, and broadcast that fact loudly. They turned to stare at him finally, unable to ignore him any longer. "It's a good thing there are papers like The Sun around to catch these things, while the idiots at the Banner are sleeping on the job."

Clint rose from his seat, looking angry. "A respectable paper like the Banner takes its time to get all of the facts straight before it splashes the story on the front page."

Kevin was quick to back him up. "It's not a real news story anyway, until it's in the Banner. Noone takes anything seriously that's written in The Sun."

Now it was Todd's turn to jump out of his seat. The whole restaurant was staring by now. "The circulation numbers say otherwise. There's something you can take seriously. While the Banner is racing around scraping for "facts", they're getting blown away by the competition, meaning me, and-"

"Todd, calm down, this isn't getting anywhere" Tea touched his arm as he walked towards the Buchanan's table.

"Shut up, Delgado. This doesn't involve you." He shrugged her off and went nose-to-nose with his nephew (actually, nose-to-forehead would be more accurate), and they argued. Tea stared at him for just a moment, letting the words penetrate. She was suddenly and absolutely enraged, without knowing quite why. She had witnessed such a scene countless times, it was no surprise. Maybe it was just what she had been waiting to happen, to confirm what she already knew. She slammed her glass onto the table, and stood up. The arguing men jumped at the sound and fell silent.

"Well, I guess I'm not necessary here. I'll just leave you boys to have your fun, don't let me interrupt." She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the restaurant.

Todd stared after her for a long moment. Wait a minute, she's not kidding, she's leaving.

"Wait!" He called after her and rushed across the room, forgetting the Buchanans and the staring patrons of the restaurant. Tea heard him but did not turn, angry beyond words; bypassed the coat room to rush straight out the door and into the night. Todd reached the door just in time for it to bang into him, kicked it out of the way with a crash and chased after her.

"Tea!"

It was starting to rain, cold and sharp, with a cutting wind.

"Delgado, wait. Where are you going? Hey, hold on!" She ignored him and rushed on, out of the parking lot, past her car, and down the avenue. "Tea, look at me, dammit, wait just a minute!

Hey!" He finally caught up to her under a streetlight as she waited to cross the street. She jabbed the crosswalk button ferociously, ignoring him as best she could. "Where you going to, huh? Look, we can go somewhere else, Tea, you're overreacting! Gimme a break, it was those filthy Buchanans, they ruin everything!"

"I don't know why I bother, nothing's changed! Everything is JUST THE SAME! It's the same old dance, Todd!" She whirled to face him, the increasing rain stinging her eyes as she looked up at him. He was shocked to see the tears welling up in her eyes. "I will always be secondary to whatever chaos is currently going on in your life, whatever stupid STUPID obsession you're carrying! Patrick, Dorian, the Buchanans! I'm just some stupid nagging voice in the background chasing you all over Llanview while you, you let yourself be CONTROLLED by this hatred! Well, I already know all the words to this song and I'm done. Find some other chica to step on." She jerked away from his grasp and rushed across the street against the light. He chased after her.

"Delgado, just wait, STOP! Please, Tea." Oh no, I've messed everything up again, I can't do anything right.. She was giving me another chance and I blew it, and I don't get any more. Is this it? It can't be it, I have to stop her.. He stopped at the curb, and watched her striding down the sidewalk. "Tea!" Not even a look, it's too late.. He closed his eyes to her receding figure and yelled after her with all his strength: "I can't do this without you!!! Stop!!!!!"

She slowed to a halt, without turning around. The rain fell in streams down her bare shoulders and along her cheeks, a river of unshed tears. She bowed her head, her hands in fists at her sides, watching the water swirl across the pavement in a torrent to match her own.

Todd opened his eyes and saw her standing there, head bowed, leaning against the pounding rain, and a thousand words rushed through his mind. He gasped to catch his breath, as much from his desperately jumbled emotions as from the chase. It was a crossroads, he knew somehow, this was the make or break. He had already lost her once, and if he lost her again it would be for good this time. She was already gone, she had given up on him, because he hadn't changed and he couldn't change.. But she had stopped, she waited, there was still this small chance.. A door still opened, but swinging shut with each passing moment. His whole life depended on what he said right now, and he couldn't come up with a single thing to say, couldn't think of one reason why she shouldn't give up on him. Hell, even he had given up on him. But she had made him believe...

"You used to believe in me," he shouted against the wind. "When nobody else believed in me, not even me, you did. You made me think that I could find a way out, but it wasn't true, you tricked me Delgado! Because there is no way out for me! I'm trying, but I can't do it, not without you! I need you to believe in me, I need your strength, because mine's all used up. It's just gone, I haven't got anything left in me but.. this.. hurting.. But you give me something else, something good, I can't explain it, I just know I can't go on anymore without it. I NEED YOU TEA! I need your voice and your words and your face smiling at me, I can't face these people, I can't face myself, without you. I.. I love you.. So much, you don't know.. And I'm trying! I'm trying to just get through the day without crushing everything I see, but it's so hard, Tea, it's so hard..." his voice shook as he trailed off.

The cold crept into her bones and Tea stood there shivering, his voice reverberating through her body.

"I have to get out of this, I have to break out of this.. prison.. But there's, there's nothing outside for me, nothing in the whole stupid world that doesn't hurt, doesn't burn me, except for you. It's.. I can't get out, Tea, I want to reach you but it's too far.. It's so hard, but I want this to work, I want to find us some way.."

She turned her head only, glanced at him through the corner of her eye, her face a mask of infinite sadness. "Do you really Todd? Do you really want that?"

He took a deep breath, nodded vigorously. "More than anything, I want that."

She turned all the way, stood firm and proud against the rain. "Maybe you do, Todd. But do you want it enough?" She stretched her arms out to him, but stood still, her face contorted with the emotions that were finally breaking free. "Do you want it enough, Todd, to risk it all? I do." He stared at her, hypnotized by the sight, as she slowly walked to him, a slow step with every phrase.

"Do you want it enough to put it all on the line, EVERYTHING you have, everything you are, all out for the world to see? Enough to risk your whole world, to risk losing your whole life as you know it? To go against everything you know, everything you've learned, so that you can risk your heart, your life, on.. you and me?"

She stood before him, staring up into his eyes, and held her hands up to him, palms upwards, reaching for him, as her voice died down into a whisper. "I would risk all of that and more, just for a chance for us, Todd. Are you willing to do the same, for me?"

It was so hard, he felt the urge to retreat, run away, it was too much. But he took her hands instead, and stared into her eyes. "I.. Tea, I want to promise you these things.. But I can't promise anything. I'll only let you down. You know."

"Todd.. You always do this, you make me think that we can do this and then you back out every time, just after you've given enough to get me back.. It's not enough, Todd. I'm sorry, I just can't go halfway any more." She started to pull away, but he held onto her hands and spoke fervently. "It's not that I don't want it enough, you know that, I want it so much.. But. It's that I can't.. keep everything together right now. I don't want you to get in the way of this, you keep getting in the way.. I-"

She suddenly looked terribly, terribly hurt. "Why, why do I have to be in the way, why can't I be a part of your life? Maybe I can help.."

"No no no, you don't get it." He shook with frustration. "I, I have to put it somewhere, Tea!"

"I don't understand, Todd, what..?"

"The, anger, the hurt, the.. the hate, I have to put it somewhere, or it eats me alive. It's me or them.. or else it would be you and Starr... And I can't let that get to you, I have to keep that away. I have to put it somewhere else, and you keep getting in the way! You keep getting involved, you chase after me and try to fix everything, but you can't, and... you got hurt...

Oh Tea, I'm so sorry.. I tried so hard.."

Comprehension dawned on her. It was all so clear, suddenly, like she could see right inside him, and she clutched his hands and stepped close to him. "You have to focus the negative things away from the people you care about, at other things. You have to channel it." He nodded with relief, yes, that was it. "Todd, mi querido, why can't you just let it go?"

He paused closed his eyes, brought her hands to touch his face. When he opened them to look at her, they were clouded with agony. "I don't know how," he said.

Her voice dropped to the barest whisper as she reached up to him. "Yes you do," she said, and kissed him.

Without even realizing it, his arms went around her and he held her tight. He couldn't even feel the rain anymore, was only aware of her body pressed against his, her mouth.. Thoughts swept away like leaves with her touch; he kissed her harder. The rain pounded around them.

Slowly they broke apart, to stare at each other. She traced his face with her hand, and smiled at him. "You're soaked," she said.

"So are you."

He ran his hand up her back, pressing her against him, feeling her warmth. He knew this was it, there was no turning back now. "Let's go someplace warm," he said.

TO BE CONTINUED