She had to ask herself again why she was doing this. She thought things were finished when he left her office yesterday, over, done with. She even mentioned that fact to Roger when she explained why Todd had come by, to invite her to spend the weekend up in the Hamptons. But as Roger just sat there and smiled that goofy smile of his as she went on and on about how it wouldn't work again, she knew what he was thinking. He was thinking what she was thinking that all those words were spoken to try to convince herself that it wouldn't work again.

Obviously the convincing didn't work cause here she was, driving up to his home. His home, their home, what could have been. But she didn't want to think about what-could-have-been, not anymore. She had spent so much time after the last time thinking about that. She had finally gotten to a point in her life where she felt good about things, accepted things for what they were. And here he comes, back into her life like he always did. She should be upset. She had every right to be angry, the nerve of him coming back into her life after all this time, after all that has happened. But she wasn't angry, anymore, she thought as she turned the car down the long, deserted drive towards the house. She had learned, with time and with therapy, to let it go, let it all go and only think of the future, the one she resigned herself to imagine without Todd.

As she pulled into the circle drive, Tea sat for several moments, looking over the house. So not like Todd, she thought to herself as she looked over the beautiful light-colored house, covered with ivy. But should she really be surprised, she wondered, everything about Todd now was so not like him. Granted, his look was the same but his manner, is attitude was different, much like the house that was before her.

She had to admit that looking at the house made her a little sad, thinking again of all those times that she had wished for a home like this, a home with Todd. But this isn't going to be about the past, she told herself as she got out of her rental car and made her way up the red-brick stairs to the red-colored door. This was going to be about putting the past behind her, about being mature enough to let things go and hopefully make a friend in Todd Manning.

The man who was always full of surprises sure surprised her when he swung open the door on the fifth persistent knock. Dressed casually in blue jeans, bare feet and a button down shirt that, by the way, wasn't buttoned all the way. Several buttons had been left undone, giving a peek at his chest. It was incredibly difficult to take her eyes away from his chest but she had to force herself. She had to.

"Hi," I heard myself say, not too squeaky, which was very good. I did not want to appear to be lusting over him even though, lord help me I was.

"Hey." He smiled, that smile looking at me up and down. "I didn't expect you. Is everything OK?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," I admitted, staring into his eyes. Don't look below the neck "If I'm still wanted, I'd like to take you up on your invitation."

He smiled again, cocking his head slightly. "You're still wanted." He told me, his voice floating over me like silk, the double meaning not wasted on me. "Come in."

Moving slightly so that she could get through the door, the pit in my stomach grew larger. Never in a million years would I have thought that it would have been her standing on my doorstep. If I had, she wouldn't have had to knock so many times. Her being here was a shock but a good one to say the least, a really good one. For the first time in two days, I had hope.

"Nice place," she said, looking around in the entryway into the rooms to either side of us.

"Yeah, it's a place." I tell her nonchalantly, trying to think of things to say. I just took a long-draw on my beer instead. "Want me to show you around?"

We walked back into the living room, where I had been working at my desk. The laptop still glowing on the desk. "I didn't interrupt you, did I?" She asked, looking over at the stacks of paper on the desk.

I shook my head, "Nah, I was just farting around. I didn't think I'd have company tonight and its too early for bed. Where's Roger?"

"Home," she told me, looking around the living room, out the patio door into the garden. "Mark's mother is in town and they were going to some play tonight."

"So you came here alone?" I asked her, smirking, to which she smiled. "Without a chaperone?"

"Yes, I did." She said, taking off her jacket, laying it on the sofa before sitting down. "I wanted to see where you lived, how you were doing." I chuckle, hearing as my words were thrown back at me as I watched her sit. "If I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned up a bit." I told her, not sure why. I'm sure my appearance did nothing for her but I really wanted her to know that had I known she was coming, things would have been different. "I would have shaved, put on some better looking clothes, cleaned up or..."

"Todd," Tea started, smiling again, "You look fine." And no, that was not a lie. He looked incredible in old jeans and hardly buttoned shirt. His hair had been pulled back into a ponytail but now he was pulling the elastic away, lightly shaking out his hair, causing a lump to collect in my throat. Damn that man.

"How about showing me the rest of your house?" I told him; suddenly feeling like this was going to be a long, difficult night. I need distractions and going through the house would have to do.

I shrug, thinking that that was a good idea as any. We certainly couldn't sit here and stare at each other all night (well, I could) and showing her around the house would kill some time.

"Well," I started, looking around the slightly messy living room. "It's not much but this is the living room."

"Very comfortable," she stated, looking around.

"Whatever. Back here are the bedrooms." She follows me back out into the entryway down the long corridor to where they were. "This one is going to be Starr's room when she visits." I tell her as I open the door, watching as she walked into the bare room. "She hasn't come up here yet, I only just got the house about two months ago but when she does, she can decorate it the way she wants to."

"How is Starr?" Tea found herself asking, with a heavy heart. She missed her so much and just hearing her name made her long for the little girl. "She's probably gotten so big by now."

I nod, "Yeah, she's going like a weed. Got her mother's legs and my attitude."

"Is everything OK?" she asked, concern in her voice and eyes.

I shrug. "Typical teen stuff I guess, nothing major. I talk to her once a week, hints around that she has a boyfriend or whatever."

"Oh! She does?" I couldn't help but be excited. Starr, dating, the concept was so alien. It only felt like yesterday that she was that little angel that captured her heart. I had to contain my excitement however, because Todd looked seriously ill.

"Anyway," he drawled out, changing the subject like the overprotective father he was. "She asked about you the other day. Asked me if I had seen or talked to you. I hadn't then but she said that if I do to tell you she said 'hi.' So, 'hi.'

She smiles, "Tell her I said hello for me. I miss her so much."

"She misses you." I tell her, quietly. I see that she is starting to get uncomfortable so I move on, out the door and down the hall again. I hear her shut Starr's door behind me. "This is my room, so much as it is." Such as it is meant it too wasn't furnished. Well, it had a dresser, a desk, a bureau but it was lacking what most bedrooms had, a bed. "You don't sleep here?" she asked, looking around, noticing the lack of furniture immediately. I again shrug. When she turns to me, her eyes had concern in them, real concern. There was a little crease in between her eyebrows. It was sexy as hell but I knew she was going into worry mode. She was worried that I still wasn't sleeping. I tried not to make a big deal about it. "Not much," I answer, putting my hands in my pocket. "I usually work a little late and end up falling asleep in one of the other rooms. Didn't seem to make much sense to have a bed when I won't sleep in it." Besides, I thought to myself as I watch her nod accepting my excuse who wants to be reminded every night in a big, empty lonely bed of what they could have had?

"The guest room is next door." I tell her, ushering her out of the room into the next one.

"Oh, Todd, this is beautiful!" Walking into the smaller room, I was amazed at the bed, a wonderful centerpiece to the room. It was a large, four-poster bed, completely made of cherry-wood. The posters were intricately carved with ornate designed carved deep into the wood. I ran my hand over the wood, feeling the lines and deep curves of the designs.

"Yeah, it is cool isn't it?" I tell her, watching as her hand gently caress the wood wishing it were me she was fondly.

"Did you have it made?" I shook my head.

"No, not really. It was made but given to me as a gift. That artist you saw at that gallery the other night, she made it for me."

"Really?" I ask, looking again at the carved wood, the amazing detail.

"Yeah, she gave it to me as a thank you. I kind of sponsor her."

"Really?" I ask again, my voice echoing the surprise I felt. "You sponsor her?" He shrugs again, putting his hands back into his pants pockets.

"No big deal," he tells me, looking down at the floor. "She needed money, I had some so I gave it to her. No biggie." Full of surprises, I think, watching as he tried to fluff off the generosity. It was so like him to do something like that, to help someone like that and not think anything of it. It was times like these that she wanted to stand up and scream to people 'This is why I love him.' Loved I corrected looking away from him, trying my hardest not to think about the reasons why I fell in love with him.

"Something this beautiful should be slept in," I tell him as I looked over the bed, a fairy-tale bed decorated in champagne colored silk sheets, bedspread.

"I don't deserve it." I tell her quietly, watching as her eyes look sadly into mine.

"You got anything to drink?" I hear myself asking, desperately needing something, anything that would take away the conflicting emotions that were swirling around in me.

It felt so right to have her back with me, in my world but I knew it wasn't good for her. The sadness she had in her eyes at my words brought back so many sad memories of what we almost had before. My self-loathing, her encouragement. My pulling away as she tried to cling to me. This really wasn't working out right, was it?

To be continued.....

© Copyright by Whlwtcher 2000