Movie Summary
Okay, this movie has three plots. #1: There's a girl who's really cute. Like, painfully cute. She's so cute that she makes Joey Lauren Adams and Katie Holmes look like hags. She meets this guy who's hair looks like it fell out of the eighties and they instantly fall in love. Cut to winter, and Jack Frost is piddling around with frosting things (read: running the film backwards), when he finds Really Cute Girl in the woods. (There are some sort of circumstances to this that take place in Plot #2. Be patient.) She tells him that she's not cold when she is, and for some reason that makes him have pity on her. He takes her to his house and accidentally freezes her. Then the Eighties Hair Guy shows up again, and somehow wakes her up. Then Jack gives Really Cute Girl a dowry, and she marries Eighties Hair Guy. Plot #2: The Really Cute Girl has a half-sister who's really ugly. Her mother tries to marry her off, but the guy wants to marry the Really Cute Girl. (Like, duh.) Thus they banish her to the forest. Once the Really Cute Girl comes back with her dowry, the Really Ugly Girl gets really jealous and goes to meet Jack Frost. She comes back with pigs after she accosts him. Plot #3: Hang in there. All Plot #3 has to do with is the Eighties Hair Guy turning into a bear because he won't thank a mushroom elf man. But that happened before. Okay. So there.
Host Segments
Prologue: Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance!!
Segment One: Mike won't give up the Lord of the Dance thing. While Pearl is away, Bobo and Brain Guy argue over who is in charge. Then Brain Guy reads the list of Bobo's hygiene requirements, then he transports Mike to the planet to mediate an argument. Everything, according to Mike, can be solved if Brain Guy smells himself. Then he almost tricks him into the theater.
Segment Two: Crow summons Yakof Smirnoff on the Hexfield to ask him about the movie, but instead he tells corny jokes comparing Russians to Americans. "In your country you stand in line for bank. In my country, we stand in line for bread!"
Segment Three: Crow is convinced he has become a bear. Brain Guy and Bobo engage in polite conversation, which turns to bashing Pearl. Meanwhile, Crow has taken his "bear simulations to the extreme."
Segment Four: Earl Torgeson, who is somehow attached to Russia through the Rocky movies and the band who recorded "Eye of the Tiger," has become Crow's new consultant on the movie. Unfortunately, Earl has no clue that Crow is talking to him.
Segment Five: Servo is dressed like a very cute little girl like the Really Cute Girl in the movie, but can't convince Mike and Crow that he is really cute. A drunken Bobo and Brain Guy can't decide which is the better ape movie, Every Which Way But Loose or Any Which Way You Can. Then Pearl returns and settles the argument by saying that Dunston Checks In is the best ape movie. Everyone agrees.
Stinger: The Really Ugly Girl asks Jack Frost, "Where is my fiancee'?"
My Thoughts
Jack Frost is one of those movies that make you glad you live in America. At least you are spared from seeing horrible, crazy things like this movie on a daily basis.
It almost makes you wonder: in Russia or Finland or wherever the hell this movie was made, did they consider it "good"? Was it a major blockbuster? Did people walk out of Jack Frost saying, "Wow, that was the best movie I've ever seen!" Hmm. Makes ya think.
My favorite host segment from this one was Yakof Smirnoff. I dunno, that "In my country, we stand in line for bread" thing really killed me.
