I sat in the large leather chair, tingles of nervousness shooting through every part of my body. I sat in the Hanson van as it moved quietly down the road towards the airport.
TULSA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT: 5 MILES
The overhead green sign read.
5 miles. 5 miles until the end of the road. 5 miles until the greatest mistake I ever made would finally hit it's hardest.
I couldn't feel anything, my legs hung loose, folded accross each other. Numb. Nothing. I tried to turn my head to see him, but no feeling came to my neck. I knew though, it was better to be numb than to feel the pain. Though my agony wasn't physical, the outside numbness made my thoughts even harder to think. I tried desperatley to keep my mind from crossing him, but he was already there constantly, and there would never be a day that would change.
I didn't need to turn around anyway. I knew what he was doing. He sat behind me, I guessed, with his arms folded accross his chest, and it heaved in and out, in and out. He was slouched down in his chair, his loose pony tail losing strands every minute....it may sound crazy, but I didn't have to look at him to know what he was doing. It was comforting knowing he was there.
Isaac had confronted me this morning. He asked me how I felt, and begged the truth from me. I told him, I still loved Taylor and I didn't think that would change. He swore to me no hard feelings and that was the end of that.
To be truthful, I didn't know what I was going to do with my self. I felt bitchy, icky, and dirty. I didn't want to think about what Walker and Diana thought of me..that would have been awful. Date one son, then move on to the next. Not to mention the fans. They could call me slutty now, and I deserved it. Even though my lips only touched Isaac's a few times, it was still a horrible memory.......I sighed.
We walked slowly down to the terminal, and it took more than one dose of concentration to keep my legs moving. The whole crowd was silent, as we neared Taylor and Zachary's boarding gate. Taylor was in the front of us, while I remained in the back, trying not to draw any attention from anybody. I wore only gray sweat pants and a white tank top, my energy level wasn't at tops this morning when I needed to get dressed. We all looked straight ahead, until young Zachary turned to me once, delivering a sympathetic smile and whispering the words "I'm sorry". I wanted to open my mouth, but no sound came out.
Left, right, left, right....one foot in front of the other...almost there. I felt like a baby, having to instruct my legs to keep moving one by one, as we approached Gate 7. I took my seat in the small black waiting chairs, and waited for the flight attendant to call them on.
"Goodbye mom," The boy spoke as he reached down to kiss Diana. "Bye Dad." Taylor shook his hand. "Jessica, Avery!" He said, showing a weak smile and picking the two girls up in his arms. "You behave now, I love you!" He planted a gentle kiss on each of their forheads. "Same to you, Mac. You be good!" He hugged his tiny brother's delicate body and then faced Isaac. He breathed in, looking him in the eye. "Bye Ike," He said, trying to sound as mature as possible. "See you in a few months man." An echo of goodbye's chimed through our seats as he finally turned to face me.
He looked at me, sitting in my seat with my legs hugged closely to my chest. I starred at his eyes that were once the captivating shade of blue that I used to know and wondered why they were more gray. I almost felt like a fan, and I then remembered what was so intriguing about this boy. His eyes....they were so mysterious. He always looked to be hiding something, and I knew one day there would be one person who found out what that was. His eyes were locked, and I wondered who kept the key. I knew he had kept it burried inside of him for the longest time. I waited for him to speak....he waited, and continued to study me as he stood. I didn't say anything, just concentrated on his beautiful face and remembered the events of last night..he almost destroyed me, standing there. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream. So I was silent. "Goodbye." He spoke, with out even uttering my name. I watched him turn and walk away with an ache in my heart.
His body moved slowly down the aisle as he was about to step on the plane. I was standing right at the entrance of the boarding gate, hoping he would turn around. "Taylor.." I called, and hoped that he would hear me. He first stopped, then waited a few seconds before turning to face me, almost twenty feet away. I looked at the security gaurd, who gave me a sad look and nodded, giving me permission to go in. I knew that Walker and Diana were still sitting in those chairs, and I prayed silently they didn't think I was crazy....but then knew that it didn't matter.
We approached each other slowly, I wanted to run but the numbness still hadn't subsided, and I didn't want things to be all dramatic...I wanted this to be as real as possible, knowing that I was there...and whatever happened, I wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret.
He took me in his arms and we embraced quietly...I hugged his body close to mine and wrapped my arms around his neck. I could almost hear music in the backround...life needed a soundtrack, but it never was there when you needed it. I knew that the same thing would be true about Taylor for months to come. He'd never be there when I needed him, so I tightened my grasp about him, not wanting to let go.
In a moment we were kissing, his lips enveloping mine in melodious perfection. It was the slowest moment of my life, it seemed hours before we finally parted, and I breathed softly in his ear...
"So, is this it?" I spoke. "What do we do now?"
He was quiet, as he gazed into my eyes. "I.....I don't know Linds. I really don't."
I took in a deep breath, knowing that this might be our last embrace. I tried to mezmorize his face, every aspect of his perfection.....and every moment I stood there, I got closer and closer to his soul, and I wanted to break barriers and throw down walls...just so I knew that I'd be in his heart. For a moment I thought I couldn't guarantee anything.
He held me close to himself, hugging me tightly as our last embrace. "I love you," He whispered in my ear. I felt his warm breath on my neck and I wanted to kiss him, feel him, touch him. But I couldn't.
"I love you, too." He looked at me one last time, then turned.....and walked away.