September, 9-19-99

I know its stupid that I think these things. Especially that I only share them with myself and in this worn out journal I've had for 2 years. I wish I didn't, yet I always end up doing it. I'm still in love with Lindsey, and that's the truth. Even if I hate admitting it. The fact that i never see her anymore, upsets me. The fact that I didn't realize this sooner, makes me regret all the time we were apart. The thing is, is that I have to get over her. I don't want to, but I have to. What else can I do? Like I really would rather do anything than tell anyone my feelings, so this is just what I have to do. I mean, there are so many girls out there I could be seeing, talking to, or even just looking at. And all the while I just want to be loved by anyone...even the quiet shy girl down the street who giggles at the stupid things I say. I've never been loved, I really don't think I have. Not even with Lindsey. God, I can't stop thinking about her. Why is it so hard? They say your first "love" is the hardest to get over. And here I am 16 going on 17 sitting here in my room stareing out the window, thinking about it. Looking for answers, waiting for more. That's when it came to me...I'll never have more. Not until I accept the fact that I can't go out on the streets like a normal person anymore. Because even though I feel normal, everyone else thinks I'm not. I hate this, I hate it so much sometimes. That's why I try and hide from everything, try to escape the bridges that I need to cross some day or another into this place where I don't feel comfortable, and I can never act like myself. As long as I stay here in this way, in this pit I created for myself, there will never be any fake smiles, or a million handshakes a day. But I'm just hiding, and I'll have to cross sooner or later. It's so hard to fall in love now. I guess that's why I wanted Lindsey for so long, because she knew who I was. Now though, when I think about it, she didn't. She didn't understand anything about me. About the real person I am today. She doesn't know she created me, and the way I am right now. I want to be a part of something. And not just my band. I want to be a part of the world, of my generation in general. Part of the teenage angst brigade. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. And I don't think you can reverse time and change things. to the fans "I'm wearing your mask, I'm stuck in the sand, all i can do now, is hold my own hand"

Jordan Taylor Hanson

9-19-99