Notes from Lucia-Chan: “Hey readers! This is a sort of spoofy fic. It’s like one of those talk shows where the host interviews two people about their love-lives. Think Jerry Springer/Jenny Jones ,or something. I was bored, and I just HAD to write this…so sue me! (Well, no, don’t! I’m already flat broke!)Also, be warned: This story may tend to make no sense and lead to nowhere. Sorry. I tried. But before I wrote this I had about five cans of Coke and some of those leftover Valentine’s Day Conversation Hearts(Note: Sugar and Caffine: NOT a good combination!)! Well, at least TRY to enjoy the story. And if you wish to talk to me or rant about how insane this story is, E- mail me at: kara@sailor-neptune.zzn.com. Well, that’s about it. Now, onto the madness!”
~Lucia-Chan

(Talk show music plays, and Lina Inverse comes out from behind stage, holding microphone. Crowd cheers “LINA!LINA!”)

Lina: to audience): Hey everybody! Welcome to another episode of the “Lina Inverse Show!” –how original…well, today’s topic is a love triangle between a handsome Bounty Hunter and two women who both claim to be his! Well, let’s get started, shall we?(Turns to stage. Zangulus is sitting alone in chair, looking QUITE uncomfortable!)

Lina: (holding microphone out to Zangulus): Hey there, Zangulus! How are you?

Zang:Nervously): Uhhh…I’m okay…what’s this all about?

Lina: well, zang, you’ve recently been engaged to a childhood friend after losing your first wife to a warlord, right?

Zang: Yes…so, what’s going on here?

Lina: You’ll find out, soon enough! (winks at audience)Hey, Lucia’s been waiting backstage. Let’s bring her out, shall we?

(Camera focuses on Lucia, who, smiling, walks out onto the stage. She and Zangulus kiss, and Lucia sits next to Zangulus in a chair reserved for her next to him.)

Lina: Hi, Lucia!

Lucia: Hey, Lina! Umm…just one thing before we continue..didn’t Jerry Springer go to court for having scripted fights on his show? If so, then why are you using a script…?

Lina(Angrily, covering Lucia’s mouth with her hand): Shut up…! Umm, let’s just continue, okay? (She regains her composure)Well, Lucia, you claim that you were Zangulus’ best friend as a child, and you helped him defeat a powerful warlord, till ultimately, you married him, correct?

Lucia: That’s correct, yes.

Lina: You were aware that Zangulus had been previously married to Princess Martina of Zoanna, true?

Lucia: Yes, I was aware. But Zangulus had seemingly gotten over her by the time we had defeated that warlord, and he proposed to me. I, passionately in love with him, was happy to consent to be his bride. Plus, Martina IS dead. You can’t be married to a DEAD person…well, then again, this is anime, so anything is possible…!

Lina: Well, this is true. Now, what if I were to tell you that Martina was really alive? And that she claims to still love Zangulus?

Lucia: I’d say that’s just typical talk-show schpeel! Y’know, “ex- lover comes back, wants another chance..”

Lina: Cut it out! The all Mazoku Network wants good ratings! They said they need a show with more..boldness! Now shut up and just go along with the script…uh, flow!

Lucia: whatever. So, as far as Martina goes…she’s dead. No way she’s coming back. And if she IS alive, I doubt she’s very attractive after what that warlord’s men did to her…!

Lucia: (Sighs and picks up her chair) sorry, Martina. I gotta do it. It’s “in the script”! (Bangs chair over Martina’s head. She turns and glares at Lucia.

Martina: You home-wrecker! By the power of Zomel Gustav, you shall pay! (Holds up the symbol of Zomel Gustav. The room grows quiet, all waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. Lucia sweatdrops and grabs the symbol from Martina’s hand.) What does it do? Just sit there and look ugly?

Martina: How dare you insult the great Zomel Gustav! Your punishment shall be swift and terrible!

Lucia: (tosses the symbol over her shoulder carelessly)Whatever.

Zangulus: What IS this?! This is all so stupid! So…mindless!

Lucia: no crap, honey! I can’t believe I even agreed to act on this pathetic little charede! (to Lina)you really think THIS is gonna get us ratings?

Lina: I dunno…I was told that I could have free food for life if I did this…

Zangulus: And I was promised all the “Pantene ProV” shampoo these gorgeous ebony locks (Flips hair dramatically)could ever need!

Martina: Don’t even ask me what I was promised!

Lucia: Lemme guess…publicity for the “Cult of Zomel Gustav”?

Martina: actually…yes…!

Lucia: (frustrated) Well, I’ve had enough of this insanity! Who wrote this crap, anyway?! Show yourself!

(Suddenly Jerry Springer appears on stage. Crowd chants “Jerry! Jerry!” until Lina gives them an evil look and they all start “boo” ing)

Jerry: What?! This stuff has always been popular before! I just figured that since Anime is becoming such a big thing in the US lately, that if we combined the two, it would be off the chart!

Lina: Well, it’s NOT! It’s stupid, that’s what it is! Stupid! STUPID!

Lucia: And you’d better not be planning to sell videos like “Lina Inverse Show: Uncut”, or “The Lina Inverse Show Movie; Ringmaster”, or any crap like that! ‘cuz we won’t participate in it!

Jerry: Well, it seemed like such a good idea…I even set you guys up for a live showing in Seattle!

Zangulus: you WHAT?!

Jerry: set up a live showi…

Martina: (shoving yet another symbol of Zomel Gustav in his face) By the power of Zomel Gustav! You will pay!

Jerry: And I’ve scheduled for a nation-wide tour….

Lucia: (to Martina, Zangulus and Lina, smiling wickedly) Shall we? (they all nod) FIREBALL!

Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!

Zangulus: HOWLING SWORD!

Martina: Uhh…Zomel Gustav…do something really really bad to him!

(Everyone sweatdrops, knowing absolutely nothing is going to happen as far as that’s concerned…!)

(There is a big explosion around Jerry. When smoke clears, he lies on the floor, charred, bruised, and his glasses are broken. Weakly, he looks up at the audience, and coughs a puff of smoke.)

Jerry: (weakly) and now my final thought….

Lucia, Martina, Zangulus, and Lina: SHUT UP!

Lina: Oh yeah…and one more thing…LAGUNA BLADE! (Laguna Blade fries Jerry. All that remains of him is a pile of ashes. )

Lucia: (to Zangulus) Let’s just go home, ‘kay sweetie?

Zangulus: Yeah, but Martina’s back…!

Martina: (laughs)Ohohoho! But I’m not!(puff of smoke, and Xelloss appears in her place.) It was I, all along!

Lina: Xelloss! What the hell were you doing pretending to be Martina?!

Xelloss: Ah, sore wa himitsu desu!

Lina: (frazzled)whatever. Yeah, yeah. It’s a secret. Whatever. I’m outie! (She turns and leaves, followed by Zangulus and Lucia. Xelloss is left on stage. He turns to audience.)

Xelloss: Well, next time, on the “Lina Inverse Show”: Golden Dragons who like to carry around maces…(Pheria appears and pulls out her mace)

Phiria: White trailer trash! Dumb Mazoku!(hits him over the head. He falls down, dazed. She drags him away and turns to audience)

Phiria: Good Night, minna-San!

(Screen fades to black. Credits roll.)