Suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Road Runner. This would
mean, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday Morning
Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe, i.e.:
1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are about to.
2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass (otherwise
known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil").
Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner,
as opposed to some general joke of the universe (although I admit
I have never seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he
was falling), then we can expect other effects as well. Notably:
1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers)
is not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered
with soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though).
2) Crew members surprised by the Road Runner jump much higher than gravity should allow.
Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason
for the encounter. Remembering that the Road Runner is a fairly
self-centered beast not likely to boldly go where no cartoon character
has gone before, the motivation for the episode must come from the
Federation. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort
of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captain's Log would be worth a look:
Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed
the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of a planet in advance
of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms.
I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief
officers except for poor Scotty.
Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently
while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing
a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination
by Dr. McCoy, he has been judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence
took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt.
Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff
of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next
to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ensign Chekhov. Oddly enough, although
Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekhov was also covered with a black
powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekhov has been sent back to the ship
for examination and quarantine.
Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate
that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at
great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered
the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for
study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser
beam. Regrettably, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Several tons
of rock fell squarely on the Captain and he was driven straight
into the ground; however, he was apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sick Bay, leaving
me in command of the research party.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large
on the planet's surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research
party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure
Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3. The strange occurrences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to
believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for
them. Mr. Chekhov and I have both been declared fit for return
to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept
under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he
suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible
speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open,
with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly
concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it.
The creature will then travel down a slide, eventually being deposited
in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will
then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden
all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was
indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the
bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as
puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design.
I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature
in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekhov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily
incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow
managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as
he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in midair, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying
to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed
by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider
this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
Captain's Log, Stardate 543.4. In an all out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are
deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.
Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high-energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet
been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock,
to the high elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have
begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently
over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of
ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regrettably, while collecting
them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted
several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both
survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact,
although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up
completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the
ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees
compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekhov
led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in
transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekhov aimed the phaser
rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for
the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekhov
should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances
arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been
beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with
a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri ox compound, Scalosian
concentrate, a theragran derivative, and some other items he found
in unmarked containers in Sick Bay. By injecting a small amount into each
member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the
creature on its own high-speed terms.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with
the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured
dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered
a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally
pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full
security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing
to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science.
If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log,
you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled
full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the
creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were
too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers
backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable
effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity
and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the
Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up,
piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface
of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was
left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below.
We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crew member
has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the
realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air,
a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the
body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression
of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature
in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate
our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude
rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we
hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it.
Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain
of the Starship Enterprise, recording.