It has been an eventful year for me so far. At the
halfway point, I am taking some time to reflect on what has
happened, and where I will be going from here.
As has been my practice since 1995, weather permitting, I have been spending the last day of each year and the first few hours of the next dressed, wandering around San Francisco. For New Year's Eve I had visited my local "transformation" salon for makeup and a short up-do, and had taken the further step of having my nails done afterward at a Nail Salon that I hadn't visited before. I was wearing the same dress that I later wore to my first ETVC meeting.
I always wander down to Ocean Beach in San Francisco, along the Pacific Ocean, and take some time to contemplate the past and coming years. But I certainly did not forsee how eventful this year would be.
As I have reported earlier, my first ETVC meeting was just four months ago, February 26. From that point, of course, I attended many more group meetings and California Dreamin' as well. There I was able to hear from well-known members of the community such as Allison Langue and others, who have integrated their cross dressing activities into their everyday lives.
Recently I participated both in building and marching with our float in the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. At the building of the float on Saturday, I was the only person in female attire of some sort, other than the wives of some of the members who were there as well! Many of the people there, expecially the officers of the organization, have known each other for some time, and are comfortable sharing their "male" names as well. I value this opportunity that I had to get to know them better.
A few things have happened to remind me that I can't keep the different aspects of my life separate forever. I found out from a public database that one of the members that I knows shares my interest in another hobby. In sharing this with some close friends online, I have discovered others as well. One of my concerns has been mixing the two activities. Not only do I have many friends from that activity, whom I have not introduced to Janis as yet, but I have a web site related to it, and am well known online. I have visions of some malicious person sending all of my online contacts pictures of me as your Fairy Godmother!
In another recent event, as I was making a purchase a clerk at a store, not related to any of my crossdressing activities, casually asked me if I had been at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at a local theater. I had, of course, wearing my white floral print dress at the time! It turns out that he also works for the group that puts on the production each week But he didn't mention how I had been dressed, and the rest of the sale went on smoothly.
A final coincidence is that our group, ETVC, currently holds it's main monthly meeting at the same restaurant in San Francisco where a local group dealing with my other hobby holds its bi-monthly meetings--fortunately on different nights! So at least the staff there will also have the opportunity to see me in both modes!
Throughout the year I have met very many wonderful people along the way. I have learned to be even more tolerant of people and their similarities and differences. I am also becoming more comfortable with myself as Janis. I shaved off the mustache that I have regularly worn for many years. I'm also keeping my other body hair trimmed, to make it easier to dress on short notice. And I'm far more comfortable shopping for clothes and other necessities.
Where do I go from here? I'm extremely fortunate to live in an area where crossdressing and other activities are widely tolerated. I know from talking with others online that their communites are not at all accepting, and that they are pretty much forced to remain in the closet. The only thing that I am sure of is that I am not headed back into it myself.
I still haven't introduced Janis, at least in person, to anyone that I know otherwise outside the Transgender community. I don't have any close family; my parents and relatives of their generation are all deceased, and my many cousins are scattered across the country. There is one dear female cousin of mine who recently visited here whom I would have told, but the subject never came up. I have never been married, have no children, and live alone, so I don't have the restrictions that many others have.
I haven't told my neighbors. Only a few really know me anyway, and most of them are long-time residents who knew my parents as well. I have been more daring recently, leaving home dressed, with the sun still out due to the season, to attend meetings. I had to make a last-minute detour in my walk to the BART station when I saw a neighbor out watering his lawn one evening. It seems inevitable that someone will recognize me.
Likewise, I haven't yet introduced my other friends to me as Janis. I'm sure that most would accept me, although there are a few people that I associate with who are not tolerant to racial or other differences and probably would not. One risks being tarred with the "stigma" of being homosexual. I'm not, and I don't share that attitude.
And then there is the issue of time. I'm typing this on my laptop computer at one of my evening hangouts. Friends and employees here haven't been introduced to Janis, so I have to be careful that they don't see what I am typing. I also share my computer with them at times, having assigned them their own Windows user names. I let them use it to get on the Internet, and trust them not to wander around inside the computer, where they would find all of the files that make up my web sites.
But keeping a web site current takes a lot of time. Pictures have to be taken, processed, and scanned. Preparing text such as this is also time consuming, and often requires reference to other materials, such as the names that I used earlier in this article. And I have two other web sites as well, each demanding attention. When I am finally home and freely online at the end of the evening, I enjoy being in chat rooms with people on this and other topics. Right now I have some time, but I have no way of knowing if a friend will show up as I am sitting here.
And as I feel more comfortable appearing in public as Janis, I want to do it more often. Naturally, the time for this, both in preparation and actually doing it, has to come from somewhere. And then there is the matter of where to go, what to do, and whom, if anyone, to do it with. Other than attending the organized meetings, my activities to date have been solitary. I still haven't been to a performance involving crossdressers! As I gradually get to know the other members of my group, I will probably join them in some of the clubs that they frequent.
So the issues that I face, as do all of us who are crossdressers, involve how I will integrate that activity with the rest of my life. I welcome other's thoughts and experiences on this subject. Ultimately each of us has to make personal decisions for our own lives.
All that I'm sure of is that I'm not going back to where I've been, but am not a transsexual and have no desire to live full-time as a woman. Discovering where I fit between those extremes is my task for the remaining months of this year, and the rest of my life as well.
This page last updated: August 20, 1999
