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Domestic Abuse Home

Divorce. A common theme in our society today. With more divorces than marriages, it's no wonder that people are afraid to get married anymore. Divorce tends to create 10 problems for every one it solves. I know this firsthand. It divides family, harms our children, strains us financially and leaves us emotionally scarred. It takes two people to make a marriage work, two people both giving 100% effort. When one or both partners are not cooperating, divorce sometimes seems like the only way out.

There are probably not many subjects as divisive as divorce. Especially if you are a Christian. The subject of divorce has divided families, friends and even whole churches. As a Christian woman who has been divorced, I know firsthand how it affects relationships outside the home as well as in. Even if you are not bound by religion, many people are pressured by family and friends and culture to stay married. Even though it is not as taboo as it once was, divorce is still something that is looked down upon.

I agree that God hates divorce and that it should be avoided at all costs, even if it involves infidelity. Forgiveness can be a powerful thing if applied liberally. That may seem like a funny thing coming from a two time divorcee. But my situation was a bit out of the ordinary. I hung on to a hopeless situation in my first marriage for 12 years. I did not rush into divorce even though I should have gotten out sooner, because abuse was involved. I think that is what caused me to get out of my second marriage so quickly. I recognized a sinking ship and did not want to waste many years hoping it would stay afloat.

I've always said my mistake was to get married to the wrong person, not to divorce them. Ultimately, it is for God to judge whether I made a mistake or not, even though there have been many pious humans who have tried to be judge and jury over me.

I think for some anyway it is because they did not understand my situation. They saw the action and did not take time to find out the cause. My situation is one that is so often overlooked or understated in the Christian divorce issue. This is the subject of abusive relationships. I spent 16 years in an abusive relationship, 12 of them married. We have been divorced for several years now. During that time he has managed to continue to lash out at me, dragging me through court until I was bankrupt and homeless. His attitudes have not changed toward me, and they are still negatively affecting our children.

During the painful time of recovering from the divorce, I became close to a man who I knew from high school. He helped me get through the divorce and we eventually got married. Looking back, I can see that we rushed into things, hindsight always being 20/20. But, the pressures of the first divorce, both on myself and my kids, drove a wedge between us. He had gone from a batchelor, living at home with mom and no real responsibility, to a married step-father of two teenagers. The pressure proved too much.

It is true what they say about divorce being easier the second time around. Once I knew it would not work, I wasted no time in filing. He never harmed me in any way, I guess I don't have a good reason according to the world's standards, other than I didn't want to waste another 12 years of my life in a marriage I knew would not work. Divorce does that to you, makes you less patient and accepting. God works good from the bad, he came to know Christ through dealing with the pain of our divorce. I wish him only the best.

So I set out to find a Christian man from the start, something by first two marriages lacked. I thought I found him. He told me God "led him to me". I married him, I had an operation to have his children. I had a son, who is now 2, and Im expecting another. He recently told me he didnt want to be married anymore and now I'm on my own again. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my older kids. I'm not sure what God was trying to teach me through all this. Maybe that I need to wait for his leading instead of running ahead on my own.

The scars for myself and my children still remain, and probably always will. If I had stayed in that first relationship, I'm not sure if I would be here today to tell you this story. There were many times that the pain was so bad that I wanted my life to end just so it would go away. I think God would have been much angrier at me for that than for getting divorced.

If I would have had a church that was more understanding about what I was going through, my children and I might have been spared many years of pain, physical and emotional. I think attitudes have changed a lot, but I lost a sense of trust that I need to regain in the church as a body of people that should enfold you in their arms, not hold you at arms length if you don't follow "the rules". If you are in an abusive relationship, don't let the church, or anyone for that matter, tell you you cannot get out. Better to find a new church than be commanded to stay in an abusive relationship.

Remember first and foremost that God loves you and does not want to see you harmed. He will forgive you, that's what makes him such a wonderful God. No matter what your reasons for divorce are, it is between you and Him. Try to make it work if you can, but don't put yourself or your children in danger.

Check out my domestic abuse page to read my story and learn more about the subject of Domestic Violence. Feel free to email me if you wish to talk about these issues. Find a counseling group where you can talk with others who are going through the same thing. It helped me tremendously. Good luck and God Bless...