My Romance Page
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Love comes in many forms. We love our friends and family, and if we are lucky, a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. We love, to different degrees, those things which we feel are important in life. We were created to want to love and be loved. It is part of our nature. However, in the world we live in, sometimes that gets turned around. Sometimes love is hard to grasp, hard to give. Sometimes love flows too freely. We spend our whole lives from infancy to adulthood to death trying to understand and practice and receive love. If you are fortunate enough to grow up in a loving environment, this is easier to do. Only after fumbling my way through life trying to understand love have I finally come to grips with an important truth. You must love yourself first. There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self- esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. -- Nathaniel Branden, author and psychologist As in the Whitney Houston song, "learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all..." It has taken me a very long time to figure that out, and I'm still working on it. I spent my whole life trying to get people to love me. Parents, friends, partners, children, etc... Made a lot of mistakes along the way, struggled with what love really is. Gave too much of myself to those I thought loved me, only to be used up and tossed aside. I put in 16 years of my life to someone whom I loved and who I thought loved me. But looking back, it was not love at all. I was 14 and he was 20 when we started dating. In hindsight, I can see that I was confusing physical love and obsession with not wanting to be alone with real love. Of course, he was not complaining. I loved him to the point that it blinded me to the fact that he did not love me in return, with that unconditional love that we all need. Once we were married, his love turned to control and mine to obligation. He was an alcoholic, abusive to me and the kids. The worst part was, I didn't love myself enough to recognize that the relationship was harmful to me. When I finally was able to get out of that relationship, I has developed such a warped view of love and relationships that I made a few more mistakes along the way. I confused need with love, rebounded into things too fast. My recent marriage has ended after more than 3 years and two more children. What happened to the love that was there? I think he took my love for granted. He said he loved me but then he treated my older children with hatred and disdain. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He said he wanted me but then I caught him looking at pornography. He said he needed me, but then he kicked us out on the street. I had to leave my home, friends, church and move back home, 12 hours away. It didn't seem to bother him that his 2 year old and unborn child I was carrying was going with me. Is this love? And only a few short weeks after leaving, he had already found someone new to replace me. Not until I finally got the courage to get out of the relationships did healing begin. However, it's a continual learning process. I made the same mistake twice, falling for men who said they loved me who turned out to love themselves more. How does an intelligent, strong woman let this happen? I'm still trying to figure that out. One thing I do know, I've learned to not settle for the flirtations, the compliments, the promises. To take TIME to get to know someone. To check out their background, and most importantly, their family life. And to pay more attention to how it makes me feel to be with them. Not the warm fuzzy feelings, the healthy self-esteem feelings. If you are in a relationship that fosters a healthy self-esteem, you are on the right track. If you are with someone who says they love you but makes you feel down on yourself and unworthy, stop and think a minute about how valuable you are as a person. Oftentimes someone says they love you, but what they really mean is that they want to control you. Don't settle for anything less than love that makes you feel whole and complete and good about yourself. Loving someone and being loved by someone is the most powerful thing on earth, more than any force manmade or natural. When it is right and true, nothing can stop it, nothing can change it, and there is no obstacle that can't be overcome. Loving someone merely means putting your own interests aside for the sake of the other's happiness. True love means each person does that for the other. When this happens, each person is fulfilled because they are getting as much as they are giving. True love brings out the best in you, prompts you to want the best for the other. I'm convinced that unless someone is a follower of God, it's very difficult for them to understand and live out the concept of true love. So I use the following as my measuring stick - from the Bible.... I Corinthians 13 says it best: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the give of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Good luck and God bless... |
