Some More Dogma on Dogma

**BEWARE: SPOILERS AHEAD!**

The road to seeing Dogma was long, tedious, and pretty uneventful. But it was worth it.

I thought waiting for The Blair Witch Project was bad. I mean, seven months is a pretty long time to wait for a movie to be released. But the road to Dogma took over a year for me, beginning when I first saw Clerks and saw the line in the credits reading "Jay and Silent Bob will return in Dogma." "What was Dogma?" I had wondered. I had the same reaction when I saw the same line in Chasing Amy's credits, only slightly modified: "Jay and Silent Bob will return in Dogma (promise)" All I could think about when I saw that the numerous times I watched Amy and Clerks was what the hell Dogma was.

Then, of course, came the obligatory mention in Entertainment Weekly. Or maybe it was on the Independent Film Channel. I forget which. But it was something that explained what Dogma was and the controversy surrounding it. I was immediately intrigued, not only because of what the project was, but because of who was involved and the incredible risks they were taking to be involved with it. I reasoned it must be a spectacular script to be able to reel in such great talent (including Linda Fiorentino, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, Jason Lee, and many others too numerous to name) without scaring them away from the subject matter. I had to see it.

Of course, even if there was no controversy I would have still seen the movie. I must make it abundantly clear that I was not reeled into seeing this movie by the controversy surrounding it. Not even close. The reason I wanted to see it is because it was a Kevin Smith movies, and Kevin Smith movies make me laugh. End of story. I wanted to see Dogma when it was still, to me, just a title in the credits of Clerks. And even if it was only a title in the credits, rather than the most controversial movie of the year, I would want to see it. Case closed.

But I digress. I read/saw (still not sure which) a piece on Dogma and was intrigued. I think this must have been sometime last year, although I can't really place it. But slowly, more and more things kept popping up all over. The Catholics were up in arms, and a small, creepy feeling inside of me wondered if perhaps the movie would never get released. Luckily, that wasn't the case, but my fear should be documented anyway. I'm sure I wasn't the only one, after all, especially after Miramax dumped the movie and the Weinsteins had to buy it themselves and then sell it off. Luckily for me and the rest of society, Lions Gate came to the rescue. God (Alanis Morissette, perhaps?) bless the folks at Lions Gate. Good people, them.

Well, anyway, it took forever, but here we are now. It's Dogma Day, as I have come to call it. I just saw the flick a few hours ago, so it's still fresh in my mind. And fresh it is! I can't get the Mooby the Golden Calf song out of my head. If you know what I'm talking about, you probably can't either! o/^ About that cow! Mooby the Cow! Who only moos when we beg and scream and shout! o/^ I mean, it's funny as hell, but isn't it kinda annoying?

Fortunately, the catchy annoying-ness of the Mooby the Golden Calf song is the only bad thing about the whole movie. And considering that you can barely hear the song in the film itself -- it's only in my head because I've been listening to the soundtrack all day -- that would mean the whole film is great! I loved the disclaimer at the beginning, and the diner scene, and the scene at the Mooby fast food restaurant (I will never get the line "You masturbate more than anyone on the planet" out of my head as long as I live!), and the scene in the Mooby corporate office, and the scene on the train, and the scene in the parking garage, and the scene in the strip club...well, I could name scenes all night. I loved the whole movie.

If I had to pick a favorite scene? Probably a tie between the scene with Alanis Morissette at the end and either of the Mooby scenes. Those were fun.

This was such a grand departure from Kevin Smith's other work that I wonder what else he can do with a budget. I mean, this one had some grand computer effects (the ripping of the sky comes to mind), and just looked great. It had some neat camera angles and some amazing locations (the church...I mean, wow). Just great stuff all around.

Speaking of great stuff, how 'bout them actors? Linda Fiorentino was superb as Bethany, as was Jason Lee as Azrael. And Silent Bob's line was his shortest ever: "No tickets." Funny, funny stuff!

I'm neglecting so much, but I don't want this piece to be a bore. Just see Dogma if you haven't already (shame on you for reading this if you haven't seen the flick...no one likes spoilers, you know!), and if you have seen it, see it again! I know I will! And coming soon: Clerks 2! Wheee!

Oh yeah, and don't forget to worship the Mooby Cow on your way out. :-)