§
My father can beat your father.
§
Big deal. So can my mother
§
Am I the first girl you've kissed?
§
Might be - your face looks
familiar.
§
Do you think I'll lose my looks as
I get older?
§
Yes if you're lucky.
§
Has there been any insanity in
your family.
§
Yes, doctor. My husband thinks
he's the boss.
§
The trouble with most men is they
know all about women but nothing about wives.
§
Do you want to buy a hand mirror?
§
No, I want one I can see my face
in.
§
We had nothing in common. She was
a girl and I was a man.
§
I was thinking of becoming a
doctor.
§
I have the handwriting for it.
§
They lived happily until they got
married.
§
Why did you hit your wife with a
chair?
§
I couldn't lift the table.
§
My friend has a fine watchdog.
§
At any suspicious noise he wakes
the dog and the dog begins to bark.
§
Summer is the time when it is too
hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter.
§
When I saw you driving down the
road, I guessed 55 at least.
§
You're wrong, officer, it's only
my hat that makes me look that old.
§
My wife doesn't know what she
wants.
§
You're lucky. My wife does.
§
We have a quiet home life. I don't
speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
§
I passed your house yesterday.
§
Thanks I appreciate it.
§
Where did you get those big eyes?
§
They came with the face.
§
Are you familiar with Grace Smith?
§
I tried it once and she slapped my
face.
§
Did you hear about the wife who
shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the
children?
§
The quickest way to make tossed
salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.
§
Say you love me! Say you love me!
§
You love me!
§
What do use for washing dishes?
§
Oh, I tried many things but found
my husband best.
§
How is your wife getting along on
her reducing diet?
§
Fine. She vanished last night.
§
They call our language the mother
tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
§
It was love at first sight. Then I
took a second look.
§
But the psychiatrist really helped
me a lot.
§
I would never answer the phone,
because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
§
Look, guide, here are some lion
tracks.
§
Good. You see where they go and
I'll find out where they came from.
§
When I told the doctor about my
loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
§
Why don't you give your husband a
divorce?
§
What, I have lived with him for
ten years and now I should make him happy?
§
Guilty. Ten days or twenty
dollars?
§
I'll take the twenty dollars,
Judge.
§
Young man, do you think you can
handle a variety of work?
§
I ought to be able to. I've had 12
different jobs in four months.
§
There are two kinds of secrets:
One is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
§
I heard you missed school
yesterday.
§
Not a bit."
§
My wife is always talking about a
trip to Europe.
§
I have no objections - I let her
talk.
§
Room Service? Can you send up a
towel?
§
Please wait someone else is using
it.
§
There's one thing good about being
poor
§
It's inexpensive.
§
Summer must be over. My neighbor
just returned my lawn furniture
§
Memory is what tells a man his
wedding anniversary was yesterday.
§
An unmarried man has no buttons on
his shirt.
§
A married man has no shirt.
§
My uncle has a cedar chest.
§
My uncle has a wooden leg.
§
I want some current
literature." "Here are some books on electric lightning.
§
There are two kinds of friends:
§
Those who are around when you need
them, and those who are around when they need you.
§
Before we got married I caught her
in my arms.
§
Now I catch her in my pockets.
§
A modern artist is one who throws
paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
§
No man is justified for spitting
in another man's face unless his mustache is on fire.
§
In France the cops are so polite,
I put my hand out for a left turn and a cop kissed it.
§
He met her in a revolving door and
has been going around with her ever since.
§
I went alone on our honeymoon.
