• Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
• Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
• Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
• Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
• After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
• Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

A Few Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy

• One mood, all the time
• Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
• Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
• You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
• You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group
• You can kill your own food
• The garage is all yours
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
• Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
• Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
• You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
• You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
• Same work...more pay

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

What do you call a male ladybug? * What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? * When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? * When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it? * Which is the other side of the street? * Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? * Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? * Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

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