JOKES, AMUSING ANECDOTES, & OTHER THINGS TO HELP BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

Courtesy of the V Man





RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS


  • A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

  • One day as I came home early from work .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

  • Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

  • I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

  • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  • I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

  • I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

  • When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry......We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

  • I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness.... ...AFTER I was born.

  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

  • Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said. "I don't know kid..there are so many places they can hide."

  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

  • I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

  • I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. >>



    Here's something to pass the time: To play "louie, louie" on your touch tone phone, press 111-66-999-66



    World's worst pickup lines

  • My Mom says I should go talk to you
  • Your'e the prettiest girl Iv'e seen since I got Paroled

    Any more suggestions? E-MAIL me




    So this guy goes into the Doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?" The Doctor says, "Well, first of all, you’re not eating right."




    A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through his Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

    The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw this Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this girl. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, Gang formed a circle around me.

    So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in REAL pain!'"

    St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

    "Oh, about two minutes ago."




    'Puter Newbies
    True stories from Tech support

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be her computer's mouse.

    A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The Tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

    Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
    Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

    Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please." Salesperson: "Certainly, sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

    Borrowed from Steve Harvey's Column in the LA Times:
    Greg Horbachevsky of Glendale asked a Clerk at an electronics store, "What's the dumbest computer complaint you've ever had?" The worker recalled the time a guy called to complain that his computer's "cup holder was broken." The puzzled clerk asked the caller to describe it. The caller said, "You know-the tray that slides out." The clerk realized he was referring to the CD-ROM drive.




    Real Country Song Titles

  • I'm the Only Hell Mama ever raised

  • If you see me getting smaller, it's cuz i'm leaving you

  • If Heartaches were Wine (I'd be drunk all the time)

  • The Last Word in Lonesome is Me

  • I'll Marry you tomorrow, but let's Honeymoon Tonight

  • You stuck my Heart in an old tin can and shot it off a log

  • Why don't you believe me when I tell you I Love You. (When you know I've been a Liar all my Life)

  • He's been Drunk since his wife's gone Punk





    Say that again?
    A Personnel Clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it and passed it on to the Duty Officer. It promptly came back with a note attached: "This Document didn't concern you. Erase your initials and initial the erasure."





    What a guy!
    CHICAGO, IL -Catholic Priest Donald Koechner, 61, testifying at a deposition in a Chicago-area lawsuit against him and his diocese for sexual abuse of Parishioners, admitted that he had had sex with as many as a dozen women over a 20-year period. However, he added, "Iv'e always seen [the affairs] as morally wrong, and i've always tried to bring them to a conclusion as quickly as I could."

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