Peyton Trinity Anelaokalani
The flowers Grandma brought are wilting
The first "I'm sorry" gift
They sit on the glass table
That would one day hold your tiny handprints
I stopped buying baby things
After we got the news
I couldn't stop crying
And I still can't stop crying
We had such little time to prepare
In two days we gave birth
To your lifeless little body
Peyton Trinity Anelaokalani
8.4 ounces, 8 1/4 inches long
Four months premature
You looked just like your daddy
My sick little baby
You weren't strong enough
Now I'm not strong enough
People say, "At least you got to hold her
And say good-bye”
No. When I held you
My precious little girl
I was just getting to say hello
Your tiny little hands
Never got to squeeze my own
And the cruelness of nature brings milk
To my breasts
To nuture a baby I will never hold again
I don't know how to say good-bye
When you never said hello to me
Your eyes never looked into mine
And saw the love they felt for you
My tummy aches from the emptiness
That you once filled so magnificently
Now I can't find a breath when I cry
My chest is so tight as to hold on
To what sensibility I might have had
I'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring
That it holds no relief
My hands ache to hold yours
As you stand on your own for the first time
Or to have you on a stepping stool beside me
In the kitchen baking Christmas cookies
For your daddy
You will always be my firstborn
Even if I never heard you cry, or coo,
Or breathe in your sleep
It pains me so to write this
As it seems not good enough
Not enough to pour out my soul
In these scattered
Simple words
And I'm sorry for so many things
But this is all I have right now
My body is so weak
My eyes are swollen from the tears that never end
They say it will get better
But now all I do is mourn you
I can't even look outside
To a brighter day
Because it was a bright day
That you left us
And the sun hurts my eyes
So forgive me if I cry today, tomorrow,
Or twenty years from now
You were my first reality of motherhood
Morning sickness, midnight cravings,
Kicking in my tummy
A lifeless body in my arms
An echo of tiny little hands
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
Christy's Old Poetry Stuff
Home
Eden
Aya Rose
Sisters (Eden and Aya)
Our Wedding
Candids
Christy & Andris' "Hottie" Pictures.
Christy and Andris
Eden (Almost) Weekly
Our project: We bought a house!
