ANTI-STRESS EXERCISE
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
3. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.
8. There now......feeling better?
God, grant me
the Serenety to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work.
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Help me to remember when I am having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to,
“Bite Me!”
Life is more pleasant when we don't let stresses get us down.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes a full 42 muscles in your face to frown.
But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just
need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out
on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said,
"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the
word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a
jack-ass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then
heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the
sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very
slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do
that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot
of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I
had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
"You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a
couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?""Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I
had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months
of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was
at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay
lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on
down W.34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed
over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the
greatest experiences of my life.
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
