"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
...you finish off as an orgasm."
The original post of I am a BAD American. [click here]
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that
way, damn it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or
victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd
better do it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a
shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact,if your parents are footing the bill to put your
pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't
begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her
God. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time
arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all
those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years in the desert after getting
chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or
been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so
shut-the-#$%!-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry
ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass
over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what
color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot
works, I don't want you deciding who should be
running the most powerful nation the world for the
next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections
trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into
making 'donations' to their cause. These people
should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the
perfect food.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political
statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how
desperately the mainstream media would like the world
to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are the President of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
This essay appeared in the FreeRepublic.com on-line forum back in September 2000 under the title
"I Am a Bad Republican".
(picking up title changes and additions since then as it was forwarded around the Internet), and the person who posted it there has taken
''credit'' for it in a recent message in that same forum. [so to speak]
THIS LETTER CONTAINS NO BACK MASKING OR SUBLIMINAL
MESSAGES. ALL MESSAGES FROM THE DEVIL ARE WRITTEN CLEARLY IN STRAIGHT
FORWARD STANDARD AMERICAN ENGLISH. WHICH IN AND OF ITSELF IS A COMPLETE
OXYMORON. FROM A GEORGE CARLIN HBO SPECIAL...
WHY IS THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO ARE AGAINST ABORTION ARE PEOPLE
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO FUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE? BOY THE CONSERVATIVES ARE
SOMETHING AREN'T THEY? THEY'RE ALL FOR THE UNBORN, THEY WILL DO ANYTHING
FOR THE UNBORN, BUT ONCE YOU'RE BORN FUCK YOU YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN! PRO LIFE
CONSERVATIVES ARE OBSESSED WITH THE FETUS FROM CONCEPTION TO NINE MONTHS, AFTER
THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. NO
NEONATAL CARE, NO DAY CARE, HEAD START, NO SCHOOL LUNCH, NO FOOD STAMPS, NO
WELFARE, NO NOTHING. IF YOU'RE PRE-BORN YOU'RE FINE. IF YOU'RE
PRESCHOOL YOU'RE FUCKED! CONSERVATIVES DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU UNTIL
YOU REACH MILITARY AGE! THEN THEY THINK YOU ARE JUST FINE. YOU'RE JUST WHAT
THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR! CONSERVATIVES WANT LIVE BABIES SO THEY CAN RAISE THEM
TO BE DEAD SOLDIERS. PRO LIFE, PRO LIFE, THESE PEOPLE AREN'T PRO LIFE,
THESE PEOPLE ARE KILLING DOCTORS. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PRO-LIFE IS THAT?
WHAT THESE PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE A FETUS, BUT IF IT GROWS UP TO BE A
DOCTOR THEN THEY JUST MIGHT HAVE TO KILL IT? THESE PEOPLE AREN'T PRO LIFE,
THEY'RE ANTI-WOMAN, SIMPLE AS IT GETS, ANTI-WOMAN. THEY DON'T LIKE WOMEN! THEY
BELIEVE A WOMAN'S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SERVE AS A BROOD MARE FOR THE
STATE! YOU DON'T SEE TO MANY WHITE PRO LIFERS VOLUNTEERING TO HAVE NON
WHITE FETUSES TRANSFERRED INTO THEIR UTERUSES DO YOU? YOU DON'T SEE THEM
ADOPTING A WHOLE LOT OF CRACK BABIES DO YOU? SHIT THAT MIGHT BE SOMETHING
JESUS WOULD DO. AND YOU WON'T SEE TO MANY OF THESE PRO LIFERS DOUSING
THEMSELVES WITH KEROSENE AND LIGHTING THEMSELVES ON FIRE. YOU KNOW THAT
THE MORALLY COMMITTED RELIGIOUS PEOPLE IN SOUTH EAST ASIA KNEW HOW TO STAGE A
GOD DAMN DEMONSTRATION DIDN'T THEY? THEY KNEW HOW TO PUT ON A FUCKING'
PROTEST! LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE!!! COME ON YOU MORAL CRUSADERS, LET'S SEE
A LITTLE SMOKE!!
HERE'S ANOTHER LITTLE
QUESTION THAT I HAVE. HOW COME WHEN IT'S US, IT'S AN ABORTION, AND WHEN
IT'S A CHICKEN, IT'S AN OMELET?!?! ARE WE SO MUCH BETTER THAN CHICKENS ALL
OF A SUDDEN? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN, THAT WE'VE SURPASSED CHICKENS IN
GOODNESS? NAME SIX WAYS THAT WE'RE BETTER THAN CHICKENS! YOU CAN'T
DO IT CAN YOU? KNOW WHY? CAUSE CHICKENS ARE DECENT PEOPLE!! YOU DON'T SEE
CHICKENS HANGING AROUND IN DRUG GANGS DO YOU? YOU DON'T SEE A CHICKEN
STRAPPING SOME POOR GUY TO A CHAIR AND HOOKING UP HIS NUTS TO A CAR BATTERY DO
YOU? WHEN'S THE LAST CHICKEN YOU'VE EVER HEARD ABOUT THAT CAME HOME FROM
WORK AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIS HEN AND CHICKS? DOESN'T HAPPEN. THAT'S
BECAUSE CHICKENS ARE DECENT PEOPLE!!!
WELL
LET'S GET BACK TO THIS ABORTION SHIT, NOW. IS A FETUS A HUMAN BEING, THIS SEEMS
TO BE THE CENTRAL QUESTION. WELL ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT, IS THAT IF IT'S A
HUMAN BEING, HOW COME THE CENSUS DOESN'T COUNT THEM? HOW COME IF THERE'S A
MISS CARRIAGE THAT THERE'S NO FUNERAL. HOW COME PEOPLE SAY THAT WE'VE GOT
2 CHILDREN AND ONE ON THE WAY, INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT WE'VE GOT THREE
CHILDREN? PEOPLE SAY THAT LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION, I SAY THAT LIFE BEGAN
ABOUT A BILLION YEARS AGO AND IT'S A CONTINUOS PROCESS THAT JUST KEEPS ROLLING
ALONG. YOU CAN GO BACK FARTHER THAN THAT! WHAT ABOUT THE CARBON
ATOMS? HUMAN OR ANY OTHER KIND OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET CAN'T EXIST WITH
CARBON. SO IS IT JUST POSSIBLE THAT MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE
BURNING ALL THIS COAL? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE CONSISTENCY IN ALL THESE
ANTI-ABORTION ARGUMENTS! SEE, THE REALLY HARD CORE PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU
THAT LIFE BEGINS AT FERTILIZATION. THAT'S THE POINT WHERE THE SPERM
FERTILIZES THE EGG. THAT'S USUALLY A FEW MINUTES AFTER THE MAN
SAYS,
"GEE HONEY I WAS GOING TO PULL
OUT, BUT THE PHONE RANG AND IT STARTLED ME."
BUT EVEN AFTER FERTILIZATION, IT'S STILL ABOUT SIX OR SEVEN
DAYS BEFORE IT REACHES THE UTERUS AND NOT EVERY EGG MAKES IT THAT FAR, A GOODLY
PORTION OF A WOMAN'S FERTILIZED EGGS ARE RINSED AND FLUSHED OUT ONCE A MONTH
DURING THOSE DELIGHTFUL FEW DAYS SHE HAS. THEY WIND UP ON SANITARY
NAPKINS AND YET THEY ARE FERTILIZED EGGS. SO, BASICALLY WHAT THESE
HARD CORE ANTI-ABORTIONISTS ARE TELLING YOU IS THAT ANY WOMAN WHO HAS HAD MORE
THAN ONE PERIOD, IS A SERIAL KILLER. HOW ABOUT SOME FUCKING
CONSISTENCY!! IF THEY REALLY WANT TO BE TECHNICAL, CONSIDER ALL THE SPERM
THAT ARE WASTED WHEN THEY EXECUTE SOME POOR SCHMUCK AND THE LEFT WING
ANTI-ABORTIONIST WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE WATCHING, COMES IN HIS PANTS?
HERE'S A GUY STANDING IN THE CORNER WITH HIS JOCKEY SHORTS FULL OF LITTLE
JUSTINS AND VALERIES AND NOBODY SAYS A WORD TO THE ASSHOLE. I THINK
IT'S BECAUSE NOT EVERY EJACULATION DESERVES A NAME.
NOW SPEAKING OF CONSISTENCY. CATHOLICS, WHICH I WAS
UNTIL I REACHED THE AGE OF REASON, CATHOLICS AND OTHER CHRISTIANS ARE
AGAINST ABORTIONS AND THEY'RE AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS. WELL GOD DAMN!
WHO HAS LESS ABORTIONS THAT THE HOMOSEXUALS?!?! WHAT SAY WE LEAVE THESE
PEOPLE ALONE FOR CHRIST SAKES? WE'RE DEALING WITH AN ENTIRE CLASSIFICATION
OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GUARANTEED NEVER TO HAVE A FUCKING ABORTION. RIGHT?
CATHOLICS AND CHRISTIANS ARE JUST TOSSING THESE PEOPLE ASIDE, WHEN YOU'D THINK
THEY'D MAKE NATURAL ALLIES. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO LOOK FOR
CONSISTENCY IN RELIGION, SPEAKING OF CATHOLICS, WHEN THE POPE AND
SOME OF THESE CARDINALS AND BISHOPS AND WHATNOT IN THAT WORLD EXPERIENCE THEIR
FIRST PREGNANCY, AND GO THROUGH LABOR, AND RAISE A COUPLE OF KIDS ON NOT MUCH
MONEY, I WILL GLADLY LISTEN TO THEIR VIEWS ON ABORTION, IN THE
MEANTIME WHAT THEY OUGHT TO BE DOING IS TELLING THESE PRIESTS, WHO'VE TAKEN A
VOW OF CHASTITY, TO KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF THE ALTER BOYS. WHEN THE LORD
SAID "SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME UNTO ME." THAT'S NOT WHAT HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT.
THE MORE YOU LISTEN TO THE
ABORTION ISSUE, THE MORE YOU HEAR THE PHRASE. "THE SANCTITY OF
LIFE." THAT'S A BUNCH OF SHIT! WAIT A SECOND. LIFE IS
SACRED? WHO SAID SO? GOD? WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT, ALL
THROUGH HISTORY, GOD HAS BEEN ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES OF DEATH. HE HAS
BEEN FOR YEARS. YOU'VE GOT, CHRISTIANS, MUSLIMS, JEWS, AND HINDUS
ALL KILLING EACH OTHER BECAUSE GOD TOLD THEM IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. MILLIONS
OF DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS ALL BECAUSE THEY GAVE THE WRONG ANSWER TO THE GOD
QUESTION. IT SEEMS LIKE ALL THE BEST AND BLOODIEST WARS HAVE BEEN
FOUGHT ON ACCOUNT OF RELIGIOUS HATRED. REALLY ANY TIME A GROUP OF
SELF RIGHTEOUS HOLIER THAN THOU RELIGIOUS SONS OF BITCHES WANT TO WIPE EACH
OTHER OUT, I'M A HAPPY GUY!
IF THERE IS
SUCH A THING AS THE SANCTITY OF LIFE, IT SURE DIDN'T COME FROM GOD. WE
MADE IT UP. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE
ALIVE. IT'S SELF INTEREST. LIVING PEOPLE HAVE A STRONG DRIVE IN
PROMOTING THE SANCTITY OF LIFE. YOU DON'T HEAR ELVIS, OR JOHN
LENNON, OR JFK PREACHING' THIS CRAP DO YOU? THAT'S BECAUSE THESE
GUYS ARE FUCKING DEAD. DEAD PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF
LIFE.
NOT THAT THIS IS INVOLVED WITH THE
SUBJECT, BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MACHO ASSHOLE BULLSHIT THAT I'VE BEEN HEARING
LATELY?
"IF I'M EVER COMATOSE, OR IF
I'M EVER A VEGETABLE, THEN PULL THE PLUG ON ME."
FUCK YOU! LEAVE MY GOD DAMNED PLUG ALONE! I
DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. THAT'S THE WHOLE SECRET OF
LIFE! NOT DYING. I THINK I FIGURED THAT SHIT OUT ALONE IN THIRD
GRADE. IN FACT IF I'M EVER IN THAT STATE, I WANT EVERYTHING YOU'VE
GOT! I WANT TUBES, CORDS, PLUGS, PROBES,
ELECTRODES, IV's, YOU NAME IT! IF YOU FIND A HOLE THAT I
DIDN'T KNOW I HAD, STICK A FUCKING PLUG IN IT!!! SAVE MY ASS!
GETTING BACK TO IT, GETTING BACK TO THIS
"SANCTITY OF LIFE" BULLSHIT, ONLY LIVE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT
IT, SO AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE WHOLE THING COMES FROM A COMPLETELY BIASED
POINT OF VIEW. IT'S A SELF SERVING MAN MADE BULLSHIT STORY! I
THINK IT'S ONE OF THESE THINGS THAT WE TELL OURSELVES SO WE'LL FEEL NOBLE.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS? IF EVERYTHING THAT EVER LIVED IS DEAD, AND EVERYTHING ALIVE
IS GOING TO DIE, WHERE DOES THE SACRED PART COME IN? I'M HAVING PROBLEMS
WITH THAT, BECAUSE EVEN WITH THE STUFF WE PREACH ABOUT THE SUBJECT , WE DON'T
PRACTICE IT. LOOK AT WHAT WE KILL. WE KILL MOSQUITOES AND
FLIES, BECAUSE THEY'RE PESTS. WE KILL LIONS AND TIGERS BECAUSE IT'S
FUN! CHICKENS, PIGS, AND COWS BECAUSE WE'RE HUNGRY. PHEASANTS AND
QUAIL BECAUSE IT'S FUN, AND WE'RE HUNGRY. AND PEOPLE. WE KILL
PEOPLE! WE KILL THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE PESTS, AND IT'S FUN!
AND YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED SOMETHING ELSE. THE
SANCTITY OF LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO APPLY TO CANCER CELLS DOES IT? WHEN HAVE
YOU EVER READ THE BUMPER STICK THAT SAYS SAVE THE TUMORS? OR I BRAKE FOR
ADVANCED MELANOMA? NO, VIRUSES, MOLD, MILDEW, MAGGOTS, WEEDS,
ECOLI BACTERIA, FUNGUS, THE CRABS, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
SO AT BEST, THE SANCTITY OF LIFE, IS KIND OF A SELECTIVE THING. WE
GET TO CHOSE THE FORMS OF LIFE THAT WE THINK ARE SACRED, AND WE GET TO KILL THE
REST. PRETTY NEAT DEAL, HUH? YOU KNOW HOW WE GOT IT? WE MADE
THE WHOLE FUCKING THING UP!
IT'S THE SAME
WAY THAT WE MADE UP THE DEATH PENALTY. THE SANCTITY OF LIFE AND THE DEATH
PENALTY, MY AREN'T WE VERSATILE? YOU KNOW THAT IN THIS COUNTRY THERE ARE A
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO EXPAND THE DEATH PENALTY TO INCLUDE DRUG
DEALERS. IN THIS DAY AND AGE THOUGH TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT, YOU'VE GOT
TO CALL THEM THE RECREATIONAL NON-THERAPEUTIC PHARMACEUTICALS
DISTRIBUTORS. SCREW THAT! THEY DEAL IN SMACK! THEY PUSH POISON TO
KIDS! THEY'RE FUCKING DEALERS!!!
THIS IS
REALLY STUPID! DRUG DEALERS AREN'T AFRAID TO DIE. NO, THEY'RE
ALREADY KILLING EACH OTHER EVERY DAY, ON THE STREETS, BY THE
HUNDREDS. THE DEATH PENALTY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, UNLESS YOU USE
AGAINST THE PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID TO DIE, LIKE THE BANKERS WHO LAUNDER THE
DRUG MONEY. FORGET THE DRUG DEALERS, I THINK THAT IF YOU WANT TO SLOW DOWN
THIS DRUG TRAFFIC YOU'VE GOT TO START EXECUTING SOME OF THESE FUCKING
BANKERS. WHITE MIDDLE CLASS REPUBLICAN BANKERS. I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THIS SOFT AMERICAN STYLE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT EITHER. I'M TALKING
ABOUT GOD DAMN CRUCIFIXION! BRING BACK CRUCIFIXIONS. THIS IS A FORM
OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT THAT THE CHRISTIANS AND JEWS CAN REALLY
APPRECIATE. I THOUGHT A LITTLE FURTHER, I'D CRUCIFY THEM
UP-SIDE-DOWN, LIKE ST. PETER. AND NAKED. I'D HAVE NAKED,
UP-SIDE-DOWN, CRUCIFIXION, ON TV. ONCE A WEEK AT HALF TIME OF THE MONDAY
NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME. YOU'D HAVE PEOPLE TUNING IN WHO GIVE LESS THAN
A SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO HEARD TERRY BRADSHAW
EXPLAIN TO JOHN MADDEN WHY THE NAILS HAVE TO GO IN A CERTAIN ANGLE,
HUH? YOU START NAILING ONE BANKER A WEEK TO A BIG WOODEN CROSS, YOU'LL SEE
THAT DRUG TRAFFIC SLOW DOWN REALLY FUCKING QUICK. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO BUY
DRUGS IN SCHOOLS AND PRISONS ANYMORE.
I
DON'T CARE ABOUT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT MYSELF, I KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T DO
ANYTHING. I MUST DOES SORT OF SATISFY MANKIND'S RATHER BIBLICAL NEED FOR
REVENGE. SO IF ANYTHING, USING THAT LOGIC, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
IS SORT OF A RELIGIOUS RITE. IT'S SORT OF A PURIFICATION RITUAL.
THAT BEING THE CASE, LET'S LIVEN THINGS UP A BIT. IF YOU MARKET THIS
CORRECTLY, WE MAY BE ABLE TO RAISE ENOUGH MONEY TO BALANCE THE STUPID FUCKING
BUDGET!! DON'T FORGET, PEOPLE ARE IN FAVOR OF BOTH THE DEATH PENALTY, AND
A BALANCED BUDGET. I THINK THAT EVEN IN A FAKE DEMOCRACY, PEOPLE ARE
ENTITLED TO GET WHAT THEY WANT ONCE IN A WHILE. IT KIND OF FEEDS THE
ILLUSION THAT THEY'RE REALLY IN CHARGE. LET'S USE CAPITAL PUNISHMENT THE
SAME WAY THAT WE USE SPORTS IN THIS COUNTRY TO DISTRACT PEOPLE, TO TAKE THEIR
MINDS OF HOW BADLY THEIR BEING FUCKED BY THE UPPER 1%!
UNFORTUNATELY MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL DOESN'T LAST LONG
ENOUGH. WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS YEAR ROUND CAPITAL PUNISHMENT EVERY NIGHT,
ON TV. WITH SPONSORS. I'M SURE AS LONG AS WE'RE KILLING PEOPLE,
MARLBORO CIGARETTES AND DOW CHEMICAL WOULD BE GLAD TO PARTICIPATE. NOT
ONLY AM I IN FAVOR OF CRUCIFIXIONS, I'D ALSO BE IN FAVOR OF BRINGING BACK
BEHEADINGS. YEAH! BEHEADINGS ON TV. WITH SLOW MOTION AND
INSTANT REPLAY. AND MAYBE YOU COULD LET THE HEADS ROLL DOWN A LITTLE
HILL. ON FALL INTO ONE OF 5 NUMBERED HOLES AND LET THE PEOPLE AT HOME
GAMBLE ON WHICH HOLE THE HEAD IS GOING TO FALL INTO. YOU'D HAVE TO DO THIS
IN A STADIUM SETTING, SO THAT THE MOB COULD GET IN ON THIS TOO. IF YOU
WANTED TO DRAG IT OUT TO MAKE IT LAST A LITTLE LONGER TO MAYBE SELL SOME MORE
COMMERCIALS, YOU COULD DO THE BEHEADINGS WITH A HAND SAW! THE
BLOOD IS ALREADY ON OUR HANDS, ALL WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS A MATTER OF
DEGREE. YOU'D LIKE SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE DELICATE? OKAY,
WE'LL DO THE BEHEADINGS WITH AN OLIVE FORK. AND, IT WOULD TAKE A GOOD GOD
DAMNED LONG TIME!!
THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD
THINGS WE COULD BE DOING. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE BURNED SOMEONE AT THE
STAKE? THERE'S ANOTHER FORM OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT THAT COMES FROM A NICE
RICH RELIGIOUS TRADITION. YES, BURNING PEOPLE AT THE STAKE.
SPONSOR? YOU GUESSED IT! KINGSFORD CHARCOAL. AND YOU PUT IN ON
TV. ON SUNDAY MORNINGS. IT WOULD BE THE SUNDAY MORNING,
EVANGELICAL, SEND AN OFFERING, PRAISE THE LORD, HUMAN BONFIRE!
YOU DON'T THINK THAT WOULD GET GOOD RATINGS? IN THIS SICK TWISTED FUCKING
COUNTRY? ART THOU NUTS?!?! YOU'D HAVE PEOPLE SKIPPING CHURCH TO
WATCH THIS STUFF. AND THEN YOU'D USE THE MONEY THAT PEOPLE USED IN THE
OFFERINGS, TO BALANCE THE BUDGET.
WHAT ABOUT BOILING PEOPLE IN OIL? THOSE WERE THE DAYS
WEREN'T THEY? YEAH YOU GET THE OIL GOING AT A NICE HOT ROLLING BOIL, AND
THEN FROM A ROPE YOU LOWER THE PERPETRATOR HEAD FIRST INTO THE OIL. BOY
YOU TALK ABOUT SOME FUN SHIT! AND THEN TO ENCOURAGE CITIZEN PARTICIPATION,
YOU'D LET THE MOB IN THE STADIUM CONTROL THE SPEED ON THE ROPE. IT'S GOOD
CLEAN WHOLESOME FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT. THE KIDS WILL LOVE IT. AND IN
ADDITION TO ENJOYING THEMSELVES, WE'D BE TEACHING THEM A NICE VALUABLE MORAL
LESSON. YES, BOILING PEOPLE IN OIL. SPONSOR?
WESSON! AND MAYBE, JUST TO MAKE IN INTERESTING, YOU
COULD FRENCH FRY A COUPLE OF THESE GUYS. MAYBE DIP A FEW IN EGG BATTER
JUST FOR A GOOF. IT WOULD BE KIND OF A TEMPURA THING. DAHMER
NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS SHIT! YEAH, GEOFFREY DAHMER EAT YOUR HEART
OUT. NOW THAT'S AN INTERESTING THOUGHT IN AND OF ITSELF. THAT'S
ENOUGH OF THIS NOSTALGIA. HOW ABOUT SOME MORE MODERN FORMS OF CAPITAL
PUNISHMENT. HOW ABOUT WE THROUGH SOMEONE OFF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, AND
WHOEVER HE LANDS ON WINS THE PUBLISHERS CLEARINGHOUSE? HOW ABOUT
DIPPING A GUY IN BROWN GRAVY AND LOCKING HIM IN A LITTLE ROOM WITH A WOLVERINE
THAT'S HIGH ON ANGEL DUST. THAT WOULD BE ONE GUY WHO WOULDN'T BE MESSING
WITH TOO MANY KIDS AT THE BUS STOP ANYMORE. HERE'S A REALLY HUMANE
THING THAT WE COULD DO. WHAT ABOUT LAUNCHING SOMEONE FROM A CATAPULT INTO
A BRICK WALL. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S NO GOOD. FROM
A TV. PERSPECTIVE IT'D BE OVER TOO QUICK. YOU'D HAVE TO FIRE OFF A
BIG NUMBER OF GUYS RIGHT IN A ROW. RAPID FIRE CAPITAL
PUNISHMENT! WHILE YOU'RE SHOOTING OFF ONE, YOU'RE LOADING UP THE
OTHERS. OBVIOUSLY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU WOULD HAVE TO STOP TO
WASH THE WALL. YES, CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING HIGH TECH. YOU TAKE A SMALL
TACTICAL NUCLEAR WEAPON AND SHOVE IT UP THE FELON'S ASS! YES!
IT WOULD BE THE WORLD'S FIRST THERMONUCLEAR SUPPOSITORY. WE'D CALL IT THE
PREPARATION H-BOMB!!! BOY! YOU TALK ABOUT FALLOUT?!
YUCK!
I HAVE AN IDEA THAT WILL SAVE
MONEY ON PRISONS, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME HELPING TO BALANCE THE
BUDGET. BUT AT THE SAME TIME WE'LL BE ROOMING FROM SOCIETY, MANY OF
OUR MORE ANNOYING CITIZENS. FOUR GROUPS ARE GOING AWAY,
PERMANENTLY.
FIRST GROUP? VIOLENT
CRIMINALS. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO WITH THESE EMMY AWARD WINNERS. YOU
TAKE THE STATE OF KANSAS, YOU MOVE EVERYONE OUT. JUST TO BE FAIR YOU GIVE
THEM A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. YOU THEN
STICK UP A TEN STORY ELECTRIC FENCE. KANSAS THEN BECOMES A PRISON FARM FOR
THE VIOLENT CRIMINALS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE GUARDS, OR GIVE THEM
SUPPLIES, BUT GIVE THESE ASSHOLES AUTOMATIC WEAPONS, AND AMMO SO THEN CAN
COMMUNICATE WITH ONE ANOTHER IN A MEANINGFUL WAY. THEN YOU PUT THE
WHOLE THING ON CABLE TV. IT'S THE VIOLENCE NETWORK. VNN.
THEN FOR CORPORATE BACKING, YOU GET ONE OF THESE COMPANIES THAT LOVES TO SMEAR
ITS LOGO FECES ALL OVER THE LANDSCAPE TO SPONSOR IT. BUDWEISER WILL JUMP
AT THIS SHIT IN HALF A SECOND.
NEXT GROUP,
THE SEX CRIMINALS. THEY'RE COMPLETELY INCUREABLE, AND YOU GOTTA LOCK THEM
UP. FOR THIS PURPOSE, I'D TAKE WYOMING. IF WE WERE TO DO AWAY WITH
RELIGION MOST OF THESE SEX CRIMES WOULD GO AWAY IN A COUPLE GENERATIONS. BUT WE
DON'T HAVE TIME FOR RATIONAL SOLUTIONS. IT'S MUCH EASIER TO FENCE OFF
ANOTHER RECTANGULAR STATE. RECTANGULAR STATES WOULD COST LESS TO FENCE
OFF, AND WOULD THEREBY SAVE THE TAX PAYERS MONEY. WE WOULD TAKE ONLY
THE TRUE SEX OFFENDERS. WE WOULDN'T BOTHER THE CONSENTING ADULTS WHO LIKE
TO DRESS UP IN LEATHER BOY SCOUT UNIFORMS AND SMACK EACH OTHER ON THE HEADS WITH
BALLPEEN HAMMERS WHILE THEY TAKE TURNS BLOWING THEIR CAT. THERE'S
CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. IT'S A VICTIMLESS HOBBY. AND
THINK OF HOW GOOD THE CAT MUST FEEL! YOU ONLY LOCK UP RAPISTS, AND
MOLESTERS. YES, THOSE HOPELESS ROMANTICS. THE ONES THAT
ARE SO FULL OF LOVE THAT THEY CAN'T HELP GETTING A LITTLE OF IT ON YOU.
USUALLY ON YOUR LEG. YOU TAKE ALL THESE HEAVY BREATHING FUN SEEKERS,
AND STICK THEM IN WYOMING. AND YOU LET THEM SUCK, FUCK, FONDLE,
BLOW, CHEW, SNIFF, LICK, WHIP, GOBBLE AND CORN HOLE EACH OTHER UNTIL THEIR
TESTICLES ARE SINGING "OH COME ALL YE FAITHFUL!" THEN YOU
TURN ON THE CAMERAS AND YOU'VE GOT THE SPERM CHANNEL. DON'T FORGET
ABOUT OUR CORPORATE SPONSOR. WE'D LET BUDWEISER PUT LITTLE PATCHES ON THE
MOLESTER'S PANTS, RIGHT ON THE CROTCH. THAT SAY "THIS PUD'S FOR
YOU!"
NEXT GROUP WOULD BE THE DRUG
ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS. NOT ALL OF THEM MIND YOU, JUST THE ONES THAT ARE
MAKING LIFE DIFFICULT FOR AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON. AND WE'RE NOT
GOING TO BOTHER THE FIRST OFFENDERS. EVERYONE WILL GET A CHANCE TO CLEAN
UP. HOW ABOUT WE GIVE ALL THESE GUYS, OH SAY, 15 CHANCES TO CLEAN IT
UP. AND IF YOU CAN'T DO IT IN 15 CHANCES, OFF YOU GO TO THE
SAN LUIS VALLEY IN COLORADO! IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR STAYING
LOADED. EACH WEEK THE DRUGS AND CONTRABAND (THAT THEY POLICE AND D.E.A.
DON'T SET ASIDE FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL USE) WILL BE AIR DROPPED ON THESE
PEOPLE. AND WILL TURN THE COORS BREWERY OVER TO THE SHITTY BEER DRINKING
JERKS, AND EVERYONE CAN STAY HAMMERED, BOMBED, STONED, LOADED, WASTED,
WIRED, SCREWED UP AND SHIT FACED AROUND THE CLOCK, YOU'D TURN ON THE TV.
TO SHIT FACED CENTRAL. THIS IS THE REAL ROCKY MOUNTAIN
HIGH!
I'VE SAVED MY FAVORITE GROUP FOR
LAST. THESE ARE THE MANIACS AND CRAZY PEOPLE. BELIEVE IT OR NOT
THERE IS A DISTINCTION. THESE ARE THE ONES THAT LIVE OUT WHERE THE BUSSES
DON'T RUN. I DISTINGUISH THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO THIS WAY. A
MANIAC WILL BEAT NINE PEOPLE TO DEATH WITH A STEEL DILDO. A CRAZY
PERSON WILL ALSO BEAT NINE PEOPLE TO DEATH WITH A STEEL DILDO, BUT HE'LL BE
WEARING A BUGS BUNNY SUIT AT THE TIME. SO YOU CAN'T PUT THEM ALL
AWAY. YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP SOME OF THEM AROUND JUST FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT
VALUE. LIKE THE GUY THAT TELLS YOU THAT THE KING OF SWEDEN IS USING HIS
PENIS AS A RADIO TRANSMITTER TO SEND ANTI-SEMITIC, LESBIAN MEATLOAF RECIPES TO
JERRY LEWIS AND DOM DELIUSE. A GUY LIKE THAT YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM HIS OWN
RADIO SHOW. HE'D GIVE OL' HOWIE STERN A RUN FOR HIS MONEY.
NO, OUR NEW ASYLUM WILL BE SAVED FOR THE SPECIAL
CASES, LIKE THEY GUY WHO HAS A TATTOO ON HIS CHEST OF THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
TAKING A DUMP! THE GUY WHO'LL TELLS YOU THAT IF HE MOVES A CERTAIN WAY,
IT'LL APPEAR LIKE SHE'S WIPING HER BUTT. A GUY LIKE THAT, YOU'RE
GONNA WANT TO GET INTO CUSTODY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
NOW, FOR THIS MANIAC FARM, IT THINK THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT
WE HAVE TO GO WITH UTAH. IT'S EASY TO FENCE, AND IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO
WYOMING AND COLORADO, PLUS IT'S REALLY CLOSE TO KANSAS. THAT MEANS ALL
FOUR GROUPS OF OUR MOST AMUSING CITIZENS ARE NOW IN ONE PLACE, EXCEPT FOR
THE BIG FENCES. AND I THINK I HAVE ONE OF MY REALLY GOOD IDEAS FOR CABLE
TV..... GATES. SMALL SLIDING GATES IN THE FENCES. THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE. PREDATORS, DEGENERATES, CRACK HEADS, AND
FRUITCAKES. 900 MILES OF ELECTRIC FENCE SEPARATING THEM. EVERY 50
MILES PUT A GATE BETWEEN THE FENCES. MAKE THE GATE 10 INCHES WIDE, AND
ONCE A MONTH, OPEN THEM FOR 7 SECONDS. YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW
CABLE! THIS CRAP HAS TO BE ON PAY-PER-VIEW! THINK OF IT. IF THESE
GATES ARE ONLY OPEN FOR 7 SECONDS A MONTH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME MIGHTY
INTERESTING PEOPLE PUSHING AND SHOVING EACH OTHER TO BE FIRST IN LINE.
YOU'LL HAVE DEEPLY DISTURBED, ARMED, CRANKY LUNATICS, ON DRUGS. YOU'LL SEE
A LOT OF TATTOOS, A LOT OF TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE. IT'S THE TRUE
FACE OF AMERICA. WHEN YOU OPEN THESE GATES, A FEW OF THE MORE AGGRESSIVE
ONES ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH. (THE CREME DE LA CREME) THE
ALPHAS THEY'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH, THEY'RE GOING TO FIND EACH OTHER, AND
THEY'RE GOING TO CROSS BREED. PRETTY SOON YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A MELTING
POT OF CHILD KILLERS, CORPSE FUCKERS, DRUG ZOMBIES, AND FULL BLOWN WHACK-A-LOONS
ALL WANDERING THE LANDSCAPE IN SEARCH OF FUN, AND THE TRUTH. JUST LIKE
NOW! EVERY ONE WILL HAVE DRUGS, EVERYONE'LL HAVE
GUNS, AND NO ONE WILL BE IN CHARGE. JUST LIKE NOW. BUT AT LEAST
WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED BUDGET.
TO
CONTINUE. I'M GOING TO GO ON A LITTLE TIRADE ABOUT THE AMERICAN ENGLISH
LANGUAGE. I TOUCHED ON IT BRIEFLY ON THE FIRST PART OF PAGE ONE. BUT
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IT POKE FUN OF THE LITTLE CUTESIE, MORONIC FIGURES OF
SPEECH THAT WE ALL USE AND NEVER STOP TO THINK OF HOW FUCKING STUPID THEY
ACTUALLY ARE. NOW I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE OBVIOUS OXYMORON'S THAT ARE
EASY TO SPOT, LIKE THE SEAFOOD PLACE ADVERTISING "JUMBO SHRIMP"
OR COLD AS HELL. NO, THESE ARE THE REALLY STUPID THINGS THAT ARE SAID BY
EVERYONE ON A SOMEWHAT DAILY BASIS.
I'M
TALKING ABOUT STUPID SAYINGS LIKE, LEGALLY DRUNK! WELL IF IT'S LEGAL,
WHAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
"YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU CAN STICK IT." WELL WHY DO WE ASSUME THAT
EVERYONE KNOW WHERE THIS PLACE IS? SUPPOSE YOU DON'T KNOW. SUPPOSE
YOU'RE A NEW COMER TO THIS WORLD. YOU'D HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE ON WHERE
TO STICK IT. I THINK THERE OUGHT TO BE A GOVERNMENT PUBLICATION
ENTITLED "WHERE TO STICK IT." NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, THERE IS A
BOOKLET LIKE THAT. IT'S SENT OUT TO YOU EVERY APRIL 15TH.
UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. WELL, IF IT'S
UNDISPUTED. WHY ALL THE FIGHTING?
IT'S THE
QUIET ONES YOU GOTTA WATCH. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
RIGHT? EVERYTIME A KILLER DOES HIS BUSINESS, THEY ALWAYS INTERVIEW THE
NEIGHBOR. THEY'RE THE ONES THAT SAY TO THE PERSON ON THE NEWS. 'HE
WAS ALWAYS VERY QUIET." THEN IN THE BACKGROUND SOME VILLAGE IDIOT
CHIMES IN WITH "IT'S THE QUIET ONES YOU HAVE TO WATCH."
THIS SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A VERY DANGEROUS ASSUMPTION. BECAUSE, WHILE YOU'RE
WATCHING THE QUIET ONE, THE NOISY WHEN COULD COME UP AND FUCKING KILL
YOU! SUPPOSE YOU'RE IN A BAR AND THERE'S A GUY SITTING QUIETLY AT A
TABLE READING A BOOK, NOT BOTHERING ANYONE. AT THE OTHER END, THERE'S
ANOTHER GUY HACKING AWAY AT THE DOOR WITH A MACHETE SCREAMING "I'M GONNA
KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN THE DOOR." WHO ARE YOU GONNA
WATCH?
LOCK 'EM UP, AND THROW AWAY THE
KEY! THIS IS REALLY STUPID. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO
THROW IT? RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE JAIL? BULLSHIT! HIS FRIENDS
WILL FIND IT. HOW FAR CAN YOU THROW A KEY ANYWAY. 50 TO 60
FEET AT MOST. THIS IS AN IDIOTIC NOTION THAT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETELY
REEXAMINED.
DOWN THE TUBES! YOU
HEAR THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME. "THE COUNTRY IS GOING DOWN THE
TUBES." WHAT TUBES? I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY TUBES! AND WHERE
DO THEY GO? AND WHY SO MANY TUBES? IT WOULD SEEM TO ME
THAT SINCE THERE'S ONE COUNTRY, THERE SHOULD ONLY BE ONE TUBE.
WHAT. DOES EVERY STATE GET ITS OWN TUBE ALL OF A SUDDEN. NO, ONE
TUBE IS ALL YOU NEED. A TUBE BIG ENOUGH FOR THE US. TO FALL THROUGH HAS TO
BE A PRETTY BIG FUCKING TUBE. SO HOW COME NO ONE HAS SEEN IT BY NOW?
A TUBE THAT BIG YOU'D BE HEARING SOMEONE SAY TO SOMEONE ELSE. "HEY, LOOK AT
THE TUBE. THAT'S A BIG ASS FUCKING TUBE HERE." BUT NO ONE HAS
EVER SAID THAT. KNOW WHY? NO TUBES. WE HAVEN'T GOT TUBE
ONE. WE ARE ESSENTIALLY TUBELESS.
TAKES THE CAKE. "BOY HE REALLY TAKES THE
CAKE." WHERE IS HE GOING WITH IT? WHAT KIND OF CAKE IS IT
ANYHOW? HOW COME HE JUST TAKES THE CAKE AND NOT THE PIE? PIE IS
EASIER TO CARRY THAN CAKE.
EASY AS
PIE. CAKE AIN'T HARD TO CARRY EITHER.
PIECE OF CAKE! NEED I SAY MORE?
THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED
BREAD. WHAT THAT'S IT? THINK OF ALL THE INVENTIONS THAT
HAVE COME ABOUT IN AGENT PAST. THE PYRAMIDS, THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA,
CARS, PLANES, DIGITAL WATCHES, CD. PLAYERS, EVEN THOSE STUPID, UGLY
FUCKIN' LAVA LAMPS ARE BETTER THAN SLICED BREAD.
OUT WALKING THE STREETS. A GUY GETS
PAROLED. NOW EVERYONE SAYS. "OH GREAT! INSTEAD OF BEING
IN JAIL, HE'S OUT WALKING THE STREETS!" HOW DO WE KNOW? MAYBE
THE GUY'S AT HOME BANGING THE BABY-SITTER. NOT EVERY GUY THAT'S OUT ON
PAROLE IS OUT WALKING THE STREETS. OCCASIONALLY THEY STEEL A CAR YOU
KNOW? WELL THANK GOD HE STOLE THAT CAR. AT LEAST HE'S NOT OUT
WALKING THE STREETS.
FINE AND
DANDY YUCK! WHO'S THE FORREST GUMP MINDED, TREE FUCKING,
SPITBALL THAT THOUGHT OF THAT ONE? I NEVER SAY THAT! KNOW
WHY? BECAUSE I'M NEVER BOTH OF THOSE THINGS AT ANY GIVEN
TIME. ONE TIME BACK IN APRIL OF 1981 FOR ABOUT AN HOUR I HAD
ACHIEVED FULL FINE AND DANDIHOOD! BUT THEN NO ONE ASKED ME HOW I WAS, SO I
COULD SAY IT. I SORT OF CONSIDER IT A LOST OPPORTUNITY!
THE RIOT ACT AT SEVERAL POINTS IN MY LIVE
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I WAS TO BE READ THE RIOT ACT FROM PEOPLE. BUT NEVER
ONCE HAVE I HEARD ANY PORTION OF IT.
MORE THAN HAPPY I KNOW I'VE USED THIS ONE.
"I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP YOU." NOW THAT I THINK
ABOUT IT. THE MORE THIS SOUNDS LIKE A DANGEROUS MENTAL CONDITION.
IN YOUR OWN WORDS. LAWYERS, AND
TEACHERS LOVE THIS PHRASE. I DON'T HAVE ANY WORDS OF MY OWN. IN FACT
THE WORDS I HAVE ARE THE SAME ONES THAT EVERYONE ELSE USES. THE NEXT
TIME SOMEONE ASKES ME TO SAY SOMETHING USING MY OWN WORDS. I'M GOING TO
SAY, "GLEEPH BLORT ZOT POODOO ROETERAGH FLOOOGLORZ!!!!!"
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Carlin Links
George Carlin Website
http://www.funklix.com/George5/George5.cfm
