A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the
Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the
altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
>A: A Roaming Catholic.
If Noah lived in the United States today and God spoke to Noah and
said,"In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth
with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore I am commanding you to build an ark." In a flash of lighting,
God delivered the specifications for the ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.
"Remember, said God,"You must complete the ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. God saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the ark?" "God, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbors objected , claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owls.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, sorry no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals,I got sued by the animal rights group. They objected to me taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plan. So, I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, God?" "No," said God sadly. "I don't have to. The federal government already has."
Christian Pickup Lines
1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean "do."
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's hisname.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his
parishioners. All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate.
Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation
3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
2 Jewish men were talking, one was very upset.
Man 1: "What's wrong?".
Man 2 "It's my son! He's become a Christian!"
Man 1 " You know, it's funny you should mention that, MY son has also
become a Christian. I think we should go talk to a rabbi. "
So they go to the synogogue, and find the rabbi.
Man 1:"Rabbi, please help us, our sons have become Christians!"
Rabbi: "You know, it's funny you should mention that, My son has also
become a Christian! This is a huge problem! We need to pray
immediately!"
So the 2 men and the rabbi, begin to pray, when they hear the voice of
the Lord.
Lord: "Open your hearts and tell me your troubles."
With great fear and trembling, the rabbi cried out.
"Mighty Lord, King of the Universe, please have mercy on us and on our
sons. Our sons have become Christians!"
The Lord answered :
" Your sons have become Christians! You know, it's funny you should
mention that..."
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark:
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting.
