God is like
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN - - He works miracles.
God is like a FORD - - He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE - - He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS - - He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE - - He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC - - He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS - - He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER - - Try him - you'll like Him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE - - You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA - - He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE - - You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 Hair Spray - -He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP - -Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
God is like the U.S. POST OFFICE - -Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS
Supposedly unedited items from children's essays.
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
- Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
- He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
- He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
(As answered by elementary school students)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you likesports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuckwith. - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age8
and the favorite ...HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. -Ricky, age 10
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
This was written by an 8 year old, for his
third grade homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God.
EXPLANATION of GOD
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers andfathers."
"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off." "God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church." "Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."
"His Dad [God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important." "You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."
"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church or do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."
"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God."
