Blonde Jokes

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts.

NOT BLONDE, but . . . When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina, hoping that they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (Wait for it . . Remember, this is a true story) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

(this was an actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while they went to a a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries, she sat in the car. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda´s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her on the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

B*L*O*N*D*E*
~Q&A~

Q: What do you have when three blondes are in a corner?
A: An air pocket.


Q: What do you call a blonde driving a car?
A: An air bag.


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a role of film?
A: A role of film can be developed.


Q: Why don't they give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.


Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your name?"
A: Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E


Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to say "I can do that."


Q: Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A: It doesn't show the dirt!


Q: Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
A: Fisher-Price!


*How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

*How can you tell if your landscaping was done by a blonde?
Your bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

*Then there was the blonde who got locked into the bathroom.
She was in there so long she peed in her pants.

*What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! the spelled MACYS wrong.

*Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...

*What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
- Rebel without a clue.

*Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

What goes vroom...screech...vroom...screech....vroom...screech?
A blond driving through a flashing red light.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look, doughnut seeds!"

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the young blonde boy at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the young blond cashier had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code he said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to him "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". He said "OK" and I paid him for the things and left. I am sure He had no clue to what had just happened.....

An older blonde lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

I recently saw a distraught young blonde weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.

Several years ago, we had a young blonde Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.(It boggles the mind)

Police in a station back East interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed....Yep, you guessed it....He was blonde too.

One day a Blonde girl came home from school and decide to surprise her family with a home cooked meal. So she started to cook some Kraft Macaroni on the stove and as it was starting to sizzle she put down the dish towel to take a nap in her room. Later she awoke to a burning smell and realized her kitchen was in flames. Frightened she stared to spit and blow on it in panic. Finally she called 911.The operator picked up and said,"911 whats your emergency?" "My kitchens on fire!" wailed lira. "All right calm down get ahold of your self. Now tell me how do we get to your house?""DUH -- USE THE BIG RED TRUCK!

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"Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop andhis dog,then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, shemoaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police forhelp, and what do they do?They send me a BLIND policeman!"

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde woman driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."

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A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Judi pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at thestars. "Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband."Aren't you coming to bed?" "No," Judi announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out,

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled,

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled,

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across. The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river,so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rowsacross. Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartestof all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

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A blonde woman was competing against a brunette and a redhead in the Breast Stroke category of a swim competition across the English Channel. The brunette came in first. The redhead was a close second. Much, much, later, the blonde finally reached shore, completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms!"

In New York there is a restaurant in the city. And inside the restaurant, in the ladies room, there is a magic mirror. Every time you look into it and tell the truth then *POOF* you may have one wish granted. But if you tell a lie then *POOF* you are sucked up into the mirror never to be seen again.

Well, one day a average looking red head walks into the ladies room and stands in front of the mirror, and says, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world!"

*POOF* the mirror sucks her up.

A couple days later an okay-looking brunette walks into the ladies room and stand in front of the mirror, and says, "I think that I am the sexiest woman alive.

*POOF* the mirror sucks her up.

Last a blonde lady walks into the ladies room and stands in front of the mirror, and says, "I think...

******************POOF******************

Two blondes are drinking at a table in a barchanting, "51 days! 51 days!!" The bartender gets curious and sees that the blondes are admiring the cardboard box cover of a jigsaw puzzle sitting on their table. The bartender asks, "Why are you shouting'51 days'?" "Well," one of the blondes says, "On the box of this puzzle, it says 4-6 years. Everyone says blondes are stupid, but we finished it in only51 days!!"

Q: Why are blond jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Two blonde girls were talking to each other and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful. "Well..once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just soak in it." So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk." "How much?" asked the farmer. "Well quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it." He asked, "Pasturized?" "No...just up to my chest."

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how best to get home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about the situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. She felt much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she began to follow it. She was feeling very smug following the plow and not having any problem staying on the road.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

A blonde was sitting by the riverside when she sees a second blonde come walking along the opposite shore. "Excuse me!" shouts the second blonde. "Do you know how I can get on the other side of the river?" To which the first blonde replies: "But dear, you already are on the other side!"

THE ULITMATE DUMB BLONDE JOKE
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out Again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,"There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight Home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag as instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

blondes should not have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

Candlewax Technical Support
by DominicL

BDSM Tech Support

L: Hi. I was trying to do the candle wax dripping thing, and it's not working.

B: Have you lit the candle?

L: I need to light it?

B: Yes, if you want it to drip wax.

L: How do I light it?

B: With matches.

L: Ok, thanks!

L: Hi, it's me again. I've got the candle lit, but whenever I try and press the wax onto her, she screams in pain. At least I think it's pain, I can't tell with the gag I put on her.

B: Ah, I think I see the problem. You need to drip the wax onto her, by holding the lit candle well above her flesh. Don't push the flame into her body, that doesn't work.

L: Gee thanks! How do you know all this stuff, did you go to college?

B: Uh, no, I just picked it up by playing around at home.

L: You must be really smart!

L: Hi, the candle's still not working. She's not screaming in pain any more, but the wax isn't melting on her, it's just bouncing off.

B: Do you have the candle lit?

L: Yup, it's lit, and the wax dribbles off, but then when it hits her it just bounces off.

B: Uh, how high are you holding the candle.

L: I'm standing on a chair, holding it way up while she's on the floor. That way it won't burn her.

B: Um, that might be a bit too high. Try holding the candle about a foot above her. Then the wax will still be liquid when it hits her. If it's too hot, raise the candle higher. If it's not hot enough, lower the candle.

L: Well why didn't you tell me the first time.

B: I assumed you were a little more familiar with candles, sir. My apologies for the mistake.

L: Don't talk down to me, I'm an MCSE! [0]

B: Yes, sir. Just try that and let us know how it goes.

L: Guess who? Yup, me again. It worked really great, I dripped the wax everywhere and she really enjoyed it, and thrashed around a lot inpleasure.

B: Great! How can I help you then?

L: Well, after a while she passed out from the pleasure, and she hasn't said anything yet.

B: Did you remove the gag?

L: No, do I need to?

B: Yes, sir.

L: Ok, I'll just do it now, but she's in another room.

B: You do that then call us back if there are any problems.

L: Ok.

L: It's me again. I had to scrape a lot of the wax off, but I was able to remove the gag now. She's still not saying anything.

B: Ok, have you tried pouring cold water on her?

L: No, I'll do that now. How high should it be when I pour it.

B: Uh, it doesn't matter how high, just pour it.

L: Ok, hang on. I'll go do that now. *pause* Nope, it didn't help.

B: Um, is she still breathing?

L: How do I check?

B: Is her stomach rising and falling?

L: Let me just check. *pause* No it's not.

B: I see. Uh, how much wax did you dribble on her face?

L: Oh heaps! At least 3 candles worth. You could hardly make anything out it was on so thick. She really enjoyed it though, she was thrashing around so much when I did it. It's funny, but even though I've removed all the wax, her face is still kind of blue.

B: Uh, yeah, that will pass. Um, she seems to have moved into another stage of existance, and it's not something we support. You'll need to call Life Support on 911.

L: What? Hey, it was your candles and BSDM[1] book! You have to support it.

B: I'm afraid not sir, we do explicitly state that you are responsible for the use of such equipment, and whilst we can provide tips and advice, you are responsible for anything occuring from the use of the product.

L: I want my money back then!

B: I'm sorry, but as you've used up the candles and used the book, we can't do that.

L: You can't do that. I'm gonna call the police!

B: Ok, Sir. You do that, and tell them everything which happened. Tell them that we have a recorded tape of all our conversations which they can listen to if they need to confirm anything. Then if they agree you deserve a refund we'll do that.

L: Fine. *slams down phone*

[0] Melted Candle Splurting Expert.
[1] Typo deliberate.

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my businessand if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please letme win the lotto.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE,just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back inorder.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself

"Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."

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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?""No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his " tool of trade." Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So he decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment. The young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen and then poured a tall cold glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however..wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Baffled the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!!"

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Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke! A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids?

Blonde Cowboy Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. so I did.... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy....

So here I am."

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SMART BLONDE JOKE A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, sohe makes another offer: "Okay, how about this: if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I willpay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to thelawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what ISthe answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



TO ALL MY SMART WOMEN FRIENDS:

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.-Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman-

5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck-

6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton-

7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

8. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-

9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-

12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-

14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night -Marie Corelli

15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths -Baroness Edith Summerskill

16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-

17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

THIS IS NOT A BLONDE JOKE (~~HONEST~~)
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

The blonde at the dinner party - You were the blonde at the dinner party last Friday night. I was the guy who was seated to your right. You mentioned that I was drinking a lot of wine and I explained that while wine did not stop the voices in my head, it did make them slur, so I couldn't understand what they were saying. You said your name was Sarah, and I said that my mom's name was Sarah and that that was an amazing coincidence because Sarah is a very common name, and being a very common name, the odds that a woman sitting next to me would have the same name as my mother were astronomical. And then I remembered my mother's name is Anne. You quickly turned to speak to the person who was sitting on your left, but he had excused himself to the bathroom. So you looked down at your place setting. For ten minutes. I see you're religious (and probably have nerve damage in your shoulder, because you never acknowledged my tapping). So when the food arrived I asked if I could lead us all in a prayer. And I thanked God for the food we were about to eat, even though technically the host had bought it at Safeway (I don't remember Jesus paying for the loaves and fishes, what gives?), and also thanked him for parole, because everyone deserves a second chance, and frankly, that parking meter had been threatening me for months, so it really was self-defense.

bumperstickers for blondes.

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