Jokes About Men and Women
P> Male & Female cell migration
RELATIONSHIPS
A woman actually calls it a relationship.
A man does not. He refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".
MATURITY
17-year-old females function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping and buys everything that looks good.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.
SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to nother.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what
is worn.
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown,
home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with
girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
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"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
> 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become
lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
> 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone
to locate and hand him the remote.
> 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
> 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
> 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
> 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
> 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
> 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
> 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
> 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, 'I can do better than
that."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
Respect her,
Honor her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine and dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring food.
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Women have many faults.
everything they say and everything they do.
It helps them remember which end to wipe.
What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
Getting his date drunk.
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LAY ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock.
You really have to feel sorry for men.
They were given a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Why Dogs Are Like Men... ???
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Both don't understand what women see in cats.
One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"
Why Dogs Are Like Men... ???
Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage,
they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the
first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating
goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed;
get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not witheach other."
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's
dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men
emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
Austin Powers Pickup lines
Wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt): Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earthtonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out tame.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille nametag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)... Remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet
we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover... You shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
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