 |
Ahhhhhh the good ole institution of marriage...how I can go on about this subject for days and days and days. Ha. I have been married three times and have a little bit of knowledge about this subject, but...my opinions about it may not match yours, which is cool, because we have just lived different experiences with it is all. Marriage is not for everyone. That is my first opinion. As a young girl I was raised to believe I would grow up and someday get married and have children and live happily ever after. Didn't happen that way for me at all. I began the children part way too soon which began the marriage part way too soon too. Age 14. Which was way too soon for either of those great and wonderful experiences. I'm not going to go into detail telling you all the past history about my life concerning marriage etc, because it would take too long to tell it all. I truely believe that nobody should ever get married before the age of 28-30 years of age. If you marry before that age you not only have missed out on a ton of experiences that often are never repeated in later years, but also you have gotten married before you even know who you really are, not to mention who your spouse is either. Who you both are at 18-20 is not who you will be at 30. That is a fact. My unfortunate experience was to begin my first marriage at age 14. It was a shotgun wedding....and a total farce. I was only a child and unfortunately didn't have the courage to say no when backed into a corner of decission. I had a boyfriend who wanted out of his parents home so much he deliberately tried to get me pregnant, thinking if we were married it would set him free. So young....and so stupid. Both of us.... That marriage didn't occure right off the bat either. When my parents discovered I was pregnant they called my boyfriends parents and demanded we get married. Their answer to that was to hire an attorney to fight it, and shipped their son out of town as fast as they could pack his bags. My parents retaliated by hireing an attorney as well, and had them served with papers. Whew! What a nerve racking time that was for everyone. We did go to court and the judge sided with me and my parents so my boyfriends parents signed for us to get married too. We were married. I sat at home getting fatter and fatter playing with my Barbie Dolls, and my husband continued to go to school, play in his musical band, and have girlfriends on the side. Yes..he did..but I didn't find out about those other girlfriends for nearly a year. By that time I was so ready to go back home to the security of my parents home and return to school. Which I did. I was fifteen, a mother of a baby, but a little wiser. I say a little, because a little over a year later I was back into another mess all over again... Marriage usually comes about because of "Love". Which is often a big mistake in some ways, but very good in others. Necessary ingredients for a good marriage is Love, passion, lust, romance, fun, laughter, and friendship. Unfortunately they usually come in that order and that is what often causes people to go for the marriage vowels. Big, BIG mistake! The Friendship should have come first in line, not last.... Rarely does the love you felt for your spouse in the beginning outlive the marriage. Which is sad....because romance is what is usually missing in the later years, and could have been nurtured and kept alive....thus the love would have been kept alive too. The reason love doesn't out live the marriage is often because both of you grew up, changed, and evolved into completely different people through out the years of your marriage. You wake up one day and realize the passion, romance, and lust no longer exist between you any more, and that makes you believe that love no longer exist either. You begin to feel betrayed...and no longer loved by your spouse. You begin to fill up with discontent, dissatisfaction, and needing more out of your life ....and around the corner comes Divorce City. If you both had opened the window and let romance keep entering as you did while courting...it may have had a completely different outcome. What seems to really hurt you the most is that the missing love and romance...also causes the friendship between you to die too. It's hard to keep a good friendship alive if you feel they betrayed you by no longer loving you, and the resentment and blame builds within your mind and soul...until you can no longer live with them. It all works in a chain reaction. Sad...but true. If you had built a strong and faithful friendship with romance in the picture like it was when you took your marriage vowels your marriage would have been stronger and less likely to fail as you both changed throughout the years. It's amazing what you will tollerate from a good friend, where you won't tollerate it from a spouse. Isn't this true? Think about it...you do put up with and allow a great deal from your best friend, but often fight and hate your spouse if they do the same thing. Why? Because you know deep in your heart that your best friends friendship and opinion of you is often more important than your spouses. So if your spouse is your best friend first....and remains so throughout your marriage....along with romance in the equation too....you will fight to keep them in your life by tollerateing so much more. Isn't this true? Marriage has its good points and its bad. The one good thing it offers is companionship if you tend to need that in your daily life. Some people don't. Some do. I for one need privacy and my own space to do what I want at times. I often want to be alone to just do my own thing. Space....that is the key word for myself. Rarely do I find a man who would allow me to have my space when I wanted it. I do not wish to be smothered by a man with constant attention, love, talking, or needing me. That drives me crazy. I admit I am a selfish person who now has to do things my own way and can't see myself sharing my life on a constant bases with any man regardless of how much love etc is involved. I just don't want it. That simple. At least not on a 24 hour bases. Ha. I would like to share some things with a man, and know a companion like that would be great too...such as traveling around the world to different places, sharing great and exciting new resturants, seeing the sights of the world, and a tad bit of romance and lust tossed in among all that too wouldn't hurt. LOL No...I'm lieing...a lot of the lust would be fabulous. (wink) LOL Now for some serious talk about love and a bit of advice too. Love or Friendship is not enough to hold any marrage together and create a happy existance. You also have to have above all things...trust. If your partner doesn't trust you out of their sight, you should run like Hell from that relationship from day one. If trust does not exist before marriage, saying a few words is not going to change that in any shape or form. It will only make it worse...because now they have more to loose, so they fear loosing you more after marriage. Think about it...it's true. Other things to look for before getting married is if your partner has other interest and friends other than you. If they don't you better run as fast as you can, because that person will sufficate you, and be so needy of your attention 24-7. You won't have anybody else in your life either. They won't let you....unless you fight about it all the time. That is a fact too. One important thing to look for is if your partner ever says you are their only reason for living. Whoa!!! Big alert! Run! Run! Run! Nobody should be any other persons soul reason for living. Ever! No matter how much you love them, or they you, there must be other people and activities that gives them reason for living. As well as yourself. If you are their only reason for living....you have big trouble ahead of you. The responsibility of making that person happy and continued reason for living is far more than any one person should have to carry on their shoulders. Furthermore, a persons soul reason for living should be themselves and their own happiness. And that is not being selfish, it is having love and respect for themselves above all others as it should be. And finding that love and respect within themselves is their responsibility..not yours. If a person doesn't have love and respect for themselves....who else will love and respect them either? Or at least continue to..because it is so tireing constantly trying to build up their self esteame and prove your love remains true to them alone. Think about it... Marriage is a partnership, but it is also self. Your happiness and keeping your own identity is a major factor in keeping a marriage alive and healthy. With or without the romance. That goes for both partners, not just one of you. Both. Both should have outside activities and friends they share time with that does not include the spouse. I believe that to be a must. But you both should also have friends and activities that include each other outside your home life as well. Shareing your friends with each other makes a healty and happy home life too. Love, trust, passion, friendship, respect, consideration, faith, laughter, sharing, romance, among many other factors all contribute to a happy and healthy marriage. How can I say this after having 3 failed marriages you may ask....and the answer is quite simple....because having lived it, and experienced it, I have learned what was lacking in my own marriages. Commitment, love, respect, trust, friendship, passion, and romance from my partners too, was missing in my own marriages. But most of all.....I simply made bad decissions being so young and ignorant which didn't help the situations either. LOL My second marriage I was twenty two years old, and it lasted ten years. We had a daughter together which kept us together that ten years I believe. But it wasn't our Destiny to walk our whole lives together....so it came to an abupt end in ten years. My third marriage was one big mistake from the day of our wedding. I recognized that fact again on the morn of our wedding and called the whole thing off. All Hell broke loose and the pressure from my sister and mother finally wore me down until I agreeded to go ahead with the wedding. Believe me...I lived to regret that mistake more than any other I had ever made in my life. I held out for 8 long, long years, then finally said uncle. I've been single ever since for the last fifteen years. I've been proposed to a couple of times, but couldn't accept their proposals of marriage. Just not my Destiny... Mjjsan On to 'My Children' Return To My Circle Of Life Page Return To Index Page Copyright © 1998 [Destiny WebPage]. All rights reserved. Revised: September 24, 2000
|
