Roar!!!

<BGSOUND SRC="swear.wav"> Yes, I admit it. I am a Trekkie. I don't care if it's the original series, The Next, Generation, Voyager, or DS9. I like them all. Of all the characters in all of these shows, I have to say that I like the Klingons the best. I like the fact that they're driven by a sense on honor that they'll kill to defend. Worf has been described as having a bad attitude, and I can't say how many times that's been said of me.

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have hand-held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting

*bzzzzzzzt* We now return you to your regularly scheduled program *bzzt*

Reasons Why Captain Janeway Is Better Than Captain Picard

***** One word: hair, More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
***** Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
***** Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
***** Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
***** Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
***** Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
***** Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
***** Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
***** Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
***** Looks better in sleepwear.
***** Isn't French with an English accent.
***** "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
***** Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
***** When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
***** Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
***** To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
***** The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
***** Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
***** She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
***** Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
***** Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
***** 30 episodes without surrendering the ship.
***** 30 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
***** Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
***** Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
***** Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
***** Cheese
***** Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
***** She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
***** Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
***** Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
***** Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
***** Her telepath only lives nine years.
***** Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
***** 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
***** Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force". J
***** Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
***** The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
***** Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
***** Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
***** Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
***** Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
***** Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
***** Has a more manly voice.
***** Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
***** Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
***** Kes. Troi. No contest.
***** Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable. A
***** t least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
***** Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
***** Her OPS officer can use contractions.
***** Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
***** None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
***** To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
***** Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
***** Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused.
***** Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

*Seekout new life and new civilizations
*When your logic fails, trust a hunch
*Insufficient data does not compute
*Live long and prosper
*If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty
*Keep your phaser set on stun
*Even in our own world we are sometimes aliens
*Humans are highly illogical
*When going out into the universe remember: "Boldly go where no man has gone before"