Know
(Separate Chapter of "Dying in Your Dreams")
--By Youko Fujima

I watched the sunlight reflect itself onto the ocean; it was such a nice scene to see in the morning…especially after you’ve killed someone the night before… I slipped off my sandals and kicked them aside, trying to think of something else other than the blood.

Washing the dishes… Taking care of the flowers… Feeding the cat…

I looked at my hands, these hands that just never seemed to be able to rid itself of the smell of blood… So much red… Clutching them into fists, I let these tired hands drop to my sides. People stared at me as they walked pass me. No wonder, I had long sleeves on to cover these scars. Scars that never seemed to disappear even after all these years, all these bandages. It doesn’t matter anymore; they would never see it, never know what happened to me.

Wanting to enjoy the coolness of the water, I walk towards the ocean, carrying my sandals with two fingers. Stepping into the water, I see my image reflected off the water like the sun that seemed to dip itself in the water. My image is distorted and ugly, as if to mirror my ugliness inside. The truth was so frightening I wanted to weep. Let them stare, so what if I was insane? That’s right... point with your fingers and know that one-day you may point with such fingers in a more accusing way…I don’t care. Did I care when my mother burned? Perhaps I wanted her to burn, that’s why I didn’t saver her, perhaps I was too frightened. I wouldn’t know… They’ll never know.

"Youji! Come and save Mommy!"

How many times must she scream that? She’s already dead and yet I still hear her voice loud and clear…

"Youji!"

"Youji-san…I’m scared…"

Those voices that continuously play in my head like so many recorded cassettes, they never cease and they don’t plan on ceasing, do they? Mother…Asuka…Sayaka…

Oh good. It’s raining. The people are running away, and my tears cannot be seen now. That is good. This was nice. I dropped my sandals, too lazy and uncaring to hold them anymore. They made a small splash compared to the rain as they fell. I liked the splashing noise. It reminded me of when it rained that day and Asuka got shot and she fell to the ground. It reminded me of when we ran from the people, our footsteps disrupting the water on the ground. It reminded me of when I ran out of the house that day when Mother got burned to cinders and died. It rained that day as well, and my bare feet splashed in the puddles on the pavement.

Why must it always be raining when something happens? Did something happen today?

"Goodbye, sorry to have hurt you…"

Did I say that? I must’ve a long time ago to someone…when I left without saying goodbye to his face. Someone I loved…

"Love you still…"

I was punished because of that person. Not only because he was a man, but also because…because…

"Did he see you?"

Of course he saw me, Persia. A man would have to be blind not to have seen me like that.

"Kill him. Get rid of witnesses."

Oh, of course. I had to kill him, but I didn’t. And so I was punished. I was treated like a lab rat the month after I left him. Chemicals were pumped into my veins to see if I could withstand them and to increase my strength and agility. Circuits were implanted under my skin in my hands to allow me to be able to handle my wires better. I am nothing more than a sacrifice!

"How do you feel, Kudo?"

Like Hell, Persia. Like the shit I was born to be.

I looked at my distorted image in the blue-gray waters and saw my eyes. Green. Green with a glint of gold in them. As if being green wasn’t a rarity already, they had to be gold as well.

"Golden eyes could be the sign of a close gene pool."

In other words?

"You may be a product of incest."

Ah ha.

Now I remember…that was the doctor’s words after the checkup in junior high. When I was still young, I didn’t believe it. Partly because I was still young…

A carnival. That was how I knew.

When I was little, Mother didn’t pay much attention to me unless it was to sleep with me, so I did as many things as possible to just get her to smile at me. One day, she took me to a carnival so far away... At the carnival, there were just so many things…

Clowns, hamburgers, hotdogs, games, horses, rides…

There was a clown who was handing out balloons to children there, his grin wide and his laugh hearty and loud.

"Mommy, look! Mr. Clown is handing out balloons! I’m going to get one!"

But when my turn came up, there were no balloons left.

There was no balloon there for me.

I didn’t know why.

And when I turned my head, Mother wasn’t there anymore.

"Mommy, is it because I am a child no one wants, because I am a product of incest that there is no balloon for me?"

I ran home. When my mother saw me, she didn’t say anything. A man came later to the house.

"I thought you got rid of him!"

"I couldn’t! I just threw him at the carnival and he ran back!"

"Why did you throw him at, of all places, the carnival?!"

"Because my brother works at a carnival! I just thought that because half of the child is him, I ought to give him back to where he should be!"

It was then that I knew, uncle was Father, auntie was Mother. Mother married another man, so he was just "Mr. Kudo."

So why did I take his name?!

Damn you all! Why am I like this? Why wasn’t there a balloon for me?! Is it because my mother’s brother is my father? Is it a sin to be born?

I bent down and hit the water so that I couldn’t see my image anymore. I looked horrible. My hair was so wet that it straightened and stuck to my neck. I brushed my hair back so that the wet bangs won’t go into my eyes.

They didn’t know how I came back. They didn’t know why mother died. They didn’t know that I am still alive, that I am a killer, that I…

I am a sinner, damn you! Hate me! Despise me like the monster I am! I am what’s left of this "Youji Kudo," if there were anything there to being with! That’s right, I am evil!

"Do you believe in the ‘Weiss?’"

Of course, what else is there to know?

If butterflies weren’t the symbol to insanity, I wonder what my favorite insect would be. I guess none; I have an extreme dislike to bugs.

"Youji!"

A voice disrupts my thoughts like so many feet on water puddles. A deep voice, most likely Aya’s unless Ken or Omi got a sore throat.

"Come on, you’ll catch your death out there."

"Coming."

I walked out of the water, my sandals long since washed away like my fingerprints, burned off the day I joined Weiss.

"What were you doing out there?"

"I don’t know."

END

Author’s rants: Since I was a bit too lazy to type up the written drafts of "Dying in Your Dreams," I decided to give it a "teaser chapter" or an "outside chapter." This was written very quickly, as you can see, and it was just a bunch of mixed thoughts and stuff… It ‘s also written as a chest reliever about my coming back to the states and the soon start of school… So don’t think too much on this fic, okay? ^^ C&C go to youkofujima@hotmail.com.