Jump Starting the Kids! 

As a single dad of a teen-age daughter, I am always looking for ways to motivate my.....ahem....child. (I have to whisper that last word, for fear she will hear my labeling of her thus causing her to slam the door and scream, "I am NOT a child!") This is supposed to prove to me, (and to the carpenter who comes to repair the damage), that she is reasonable and mature. Okay... 

On the news today, I heard about a device that is supposed to help young people exercise daily. Wait until you hear this one... 

It is a device that can be attached onto the chair in front of your television set. It has foot pedals and unless you began "cycling" while sitting there, the television set will NOT go on. Once you start moving your legs, PRESTO! Here comes MTV (or whatever program you WILL allow your teenager to watch!) right into your living room. Stop pedaling and the television set goes off. Start pedaling and.....well, you get the idea! The concept is designed to help young people who tend to be couch potatoes, get their physical fitness workout while viewing their preferred addiction. 

It is only in the planning stages, but I LIKE this idea. I know it will work on my daughter who HAS to watch certain programs or die. Of course, she will complain like crazy, but I will feign ignorance and pretend like I have no earthly idea how to remove the device. A heart healthy child, thanks to television. For once, the one-eyed monster does something PRODUCTIVE with a little help from an inventive friend. 

My mind is already working ahead to other devices that NEED to be placed in our home.... 

PICKUP THE CLOTHES/TURN ON THE CD PLAYER Invention There are electronic sensors inserted in the fabric of our children's clothing. When these sensored clothes are hung up or in a drawer, the music comes on, if not.....total silence. YESSSSS! 

ARGUE WITH PARENT/EARTHQUAKE TREMOR 
My daughter, living in Southern California is afraid of earthquakes. So, next time she argues with dad and uses some of those smart aleck words she learned from her friends in school, I squeeze a button on my belt device igniting a jolt throughout the house. "Oh, Oh, honey, an...EARTHQUAKE!" This will cause her to stop mouthing off immediately and look to her father for solace and comfort. I would only squeeze the button temporarily since I don't own that many dishes due to the fine lawyer my ex-wife retained. This could also come with a tornado sound adaptor or a rushing flood water roar, depending on the part of the country you live in... 

ELECTRIC SHOCK/IGNORING REQUEST FROM PARENT device 
One of my favorite scenes from, "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" was when they took Jack Nicholson into the electric shock therapy room for being a bad boy. I loved that "hang dog, eyes rolled back into his head" look when they took him out of there and back to his bed. (Or maybe that was the lobotomy, I can't remember exactly! I do know I have been gun shy of pillows since that movie, however!) So, if my child does not respond right away to one of my reasonable requests, ("HONEY, GO START A REVOLUTION IN CUBA AND BRING ME SOME CIGARS!") I can switch on the shock sensation which has been inserted in her beret. Voila! Instant recognition of parental command. This will not hurt her half as much as it hurts me. Uh, huh....sure it won't! Heh, heh.. 

CLEAN UP KITCHEN MESS/SALMONELLA POISON 
If my child continues to leave a mess in the kitchen, all her favorite foods will be tainted with a tinge of salmonella, not enough to kill her, but maybe enough to make her CLEAN UP after her little foray into the kitchen. Throwing up is a good thing. It will get one's attention really fast. This will not work on bulimic kids, however. 

COMPUTER OVERUSE/PEDOPHILE SCARE 
Getting my daughter off the computer is not easy. I have to give her at least three DAYS notice. So, why not invent a device that punishes her by ignoring my NAGGING! If she continues to stay on, a really scary looking man comes on her screen automatically and says, "Hello, honey! I was just in your neighborhood and if you can stay online ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS, we can meet face to face! 

CLICK! 

Of course, some of these ideas have to be developed a little more. I don't think some of them are quite ready for public consumption. But, boy would they sure work on my daughter! 

As a parent, that IS the bottom line, right? 

Copyright©Pat Hurley April 18, 1999 


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