Show me the MONEY! 

I was scanning the USA Today this afternoon because I had not gotten my HARD news for the day, having immersed myself in the tabloids all morning and feeling the need to read something more real as a result. There was an article in that color-coded purple section (Thank goodness for hueful journalism!), by Elizabeth Snead on the high cost of celebrity. I was fascinated as I read the numbers involved in staying on top in show business and all the hidden costs. These expenses will surely boggle your mind as they did mine! 

Jim Carrey gets $20 million DOLLARS for a movie. But, what does he END UP with? Are you ready for this? Let's do a little cost evaluation here, shall we? Watch that amount shrink as fast as body parts in a cold swimming pool! Here is the REALITY: 

Federal taxes: $7,999,999.00 
California taxes: 1,860,000.00 
Agent: 2,000,000.00 
Manager: 2,000,000.00 
Business manager: 1,000,000.00 

That leaves Mr. Carrey with approximately $5,200,000.00 left over and we are not DONE yet! Getting a little nervous there, Truman? 

Security: $260,000.00 
Private travel (jet): 250,000.00 
Mortgage: 84,000.00 
Personal assistant: 65,000.00 
Nanny: 52,000.00 
Publicist: 30,000.00 
Personal trainer: 25,000.00 
Personal stylists: 10,000.00 
Manicures and pedicures: 3,500.00 
Hair color: 1,800.00 
Hair cut: 1,600.00 

Total: $15,645,000.00 

That leaves Jim Boy with $4,355,000.00 left over to work with. And we are not finished YET! A home security system for a star such as Jim Carrey runs about $150,000.00. If he ticks off an ethnic or racial group, maybe DOUBLE that, huh? 

Personal security guards when he goes out can cost about $5,000.00 per WEEK! Let's say he goes out half the year, that would come in at over $100,000.00. A personal assistant can cost nearly that much a year, too. 

And we have not even mentioned SHOES! Or drugs! Or gerbil supplies...whoops, sorry! Wrong actor! 

So, in the interest of helping our stars stay afloat financially, let me suggest a couple of cost cutting ideas, here. 

First, never ask President Clinton for ways to cut these expenses, or these figures will DOUBLE! 

Second, cut and color your OWN hair. This is not that difficult. Have you ever heard of "GRECIAN FORMULA!!" Come on, get a LIFE! That will add over three thousand to your cash flow, baby! Can you FEEL the momentum, here! 

Third, dump the agent and the manager. The studios don't care about them, they care about YOU! Sure, they helped you get to where you are, but BUY THEM OUT! Get your cousin Morey to negotiate the deal for you and pay him a couple of thousand. I got you four MILLION back right there. Dump the business manager, too. Your mom can balance the books. Just tell her to round off the zeroes and buy her some nice roses. 

Fourth, keep some cash in your pocket at all times. That is the best security you need. When someone comes up to rob or kidnap you, give them a wad of money. Wrap a twenty around a lot of ONES! Then tell them to get lost in your drama voice. Chances are they won't recognize you anyway. Most movie stars in real life are so butt ugly without the lights and camera angles anyway. Here is a clue, KEEP the stylists. Trust me on this one! 

Let's see, what else.... 

Oh yeah, forget the TAXES! Your liberal buddy is in the White House, right? They couldn't get him on anything, so lean on his pull. Tell him you will make him an extra in your next movie or something. Let him uh.....smoke a cigar in the background. He can fix the IRS for you. And California is so disorganized they will never figure out what the heck a state tax is in your lifetime! 

As far as personal travel, let Al Gore handle that. He is ALWAYS on the road. He can get you anywhere you need to go if you don't mind stopping in China frequently. It is a minor distraction, I know, but it will be FREE! Besides, you can be entertained by the Veep's conversation. He tells the wildest stories! 

You won't have to pay much for a nanny, either. Go fetch that British chick that beat the rap in Massachusetts. She needs money BAD! Lawyers ate her up. You could get her for dirt cheap. Just tell you believe in her and keep her away from the caffeine! 

By my calculations, I have saved you around 18 million dollars or so. Not bad. You don't have to thank me. Just send me a couple of tickets to your premiere. I would love to meet you and have you thank me in PERSON! 

I will be the guy reading "The National Enquirer!" It seems to fit my reality.... 

Copyright©Pat Hurley April 17, 1999