THE OFFICAIL BAND DICTIONARY
vol. 1 issue 2
3/4 TIME: A way to keep the band continuously out of step.
AIR: The driving force behind brass instruments, but generally
lacks in woodwinds, therefore causing squeaks.
AIR-BAND: A form of enforced hyper-ventilation (a violation of
the 8th Amendment's cruel & unusual punishment law).
ALTO CLARINET: See Bass Clarinet
ALTO SAXOPHONE: A musical instrument that either plays very loud
or not at all between squeaks.
ARC: A shape with between one and five corners and one open side.
ASSISTANT DRUM MAJOR: Takes over for drum major when not
available.
ASTROTURF: A substance which is credited to be the only reason
Leigh ever made second place in the 1996 season.
ATTENTION: Standing still while sticking out your butt. Can only
talk in whispers so that no captains or other leaders hear you.
AUXILIARY: See color-guard.
BAGPIPER: A band geek who is totally obsessed with making noise.
2. Moving rifle target
BAIL: That which one (often Mr., g) does on a wet field.
Generally, the person who bails (the bailer) winds up on the
ground
(the bailee).
BAND CAMP*: A time of gathering between most band geeks
(including color guard) for six days during August where they
learn
how to hunt raccoons and sneak out of cabins in search of real
food (such as the Pepsi machine, which brings together the
biggest
collection of 1's and quarters you've ever seen!)
BAND GEEK: Someone who is very enthusiastic and involved in band.
Willing to give up all free time.
BAND JACKET: 1. Status symbol. 2. Proclamation of true geekdom.
BAND PARENTS: The only parents that a band geek sees between
August and December. The only reason the band is held
together.
BAND PARTY: A gathering of Band Geeks where they can wear their
Band Jackets, play cards and capture-the-flag, and complain
about the latest rehearsal and upcoming competitions.
BARI-SAXOPHONE: An instrument for woodwind saxophone players who
want to play like a tuba.
BARITONE: 1. A device for doubling with trombones except using
the right notes. Also used for playing during silence.
BASS CLARINET: A concert instrument that, when used properly, is
still not heard. 2. A also never to be used as a marching
instrument
BASSOON: An unusual hybrid between a bass clarinet and oboe which
remains unused in marching.
BATHROOM OF DOOM: An object designed to really get to know the
people (and their characteristic smells) in the back of the
bus.
BELL-DINGING: A physical symbol of a mistake made in the last
move. Usually followed by 'shups.
BELL-FRONT INSTRUMENT: Always brass, these are directional
instruments designed to play extremely loud.
BONFIRE: A device for celebrating the use of a dot book, drill,
and music (including, but not limited to, Pomp and Circumstance).
BRAIN FART: A mistake involving an escape of gaseous substances
from the head usually in conjunction with missing a set.
BRASS: Metallic looking and sounding devices designed to
over-blow and blast.
BRASS TREE: A tree located near the marching field where brass
members go after they utter the all-important meaning-of-life
phrase: "I gotta go..."
BRING ON THE MEN: A terrible musical selection for the band in
their 1995 season, but great career training for the color-guard.
BUS: 1. A good way to get to know someone (nudge, nudge, wink,
wink, if you know what I mean), however the most painful way in
the world to watch a movie. Also known for the Bathroom of Doom.
2. The only way to see a pigeon at 65 MPH.
CADENCE: A way of making the crowd forget the parade march the
band just played that impresses people. Good time for band
section visuals.
CAMP STAFF: Student leaders of band camp. They organize the week
and act as counselors in the cabins.
CAPTAIN: Leader of a section who tries to keep their section out
of complete chaos in order to make themselves look good.
CAPTURE-THE-FLAG: A way of summoning the local police (including
helicopter).
CARDS: 52 rectangular devices of equal size and width which each
have respective numbers, symbols, and colors on them which
keep band geeks continually entertained.
CD'S: Thin circular devices with a 5.25" diameter and a hole
in the middle that are manufactured by companies such as
Microsoft,
Apple, and America Online to be used for marking one's place on
the field when learning new sets.
CHAIR, The: A device used for good luck at competitions and to
increase the vibe amongst geeks.
CHEAP HIGH: A form of rhythmic hyper-ventilation done for fun.
CHERRY COKE: A liquid substance which is almost as important to
Band Geeks as valve oil and sombreros, although it is drunk in
larger quantities than valve oil.
CIRCLE: A closed shape with definite corners and edges.
CLARINET: A device which, when used properly, will cause the
user's shoulders to point towards the end-zone.
COLLAR: Something thy hair shalt never toucheth.
COLOR-GUARD: People who swing flags and toss rifles to distract
the audience's attention away from the band. Makes the band
seem better. Get extra credit if they hit (accidentally, of
course) a band member, yet defied if they hit a field judge.
COMPANY FRONT: A zigzag line within a certain area of the field,
such as a hash: ~~~~~~
COMPETITION: 1. A general gathering of bands so everyone can
prove that they're better than Fresno high and Roosevelt (why do
they keep trying?) 2. A place where public displays of affection
are appropriate.
CONCERT†: Extremely dangerous form of torture for both
students and audience. Fatal if used in duration exceeding one
hour.
CONDUCTING: The Drum Major's method of amusing the band to points
of laughter at times.
CONDUCTOR: The person in the front who waves his arms and dances
wildly to the music. Constantly marks time during halts.
CONTRA: A tuba that is snapped onto and off of the player's
shoulder. Designed to build up arm muscles and decrease brain
activity. Name was chosen for being sexier than
"Sousaphone."
CONTRA BASS CLARINET: A large, metallic, clarinet-like instrument
that is designed to play in the range of a tuba, but is often
mistaken for the kitchen sink.
CRESCENDO TURN**: An obsolete action, which means: It sucked.
DCI: Drum corps championship series. Extremely rough comparison:
If Leigh is a green Pinto, DCI is a Lambourghini.
DEATH MARCH: The direct result of a Christmas parade being
marched slowly to a fast song. Also Mclane's theme march
DIRECTOR: The person who claims to be in charge when everything
is going well and claims denial when things go wrong.
DISKETTES: Devices made to be thrown in a similar style to that
of a Frisbee across the marching field prior to rehearsals. This
action can also be done with CD's.
DIVINE COMEDY: Watching the drum major attempt to keep a correct
tempo. Oh yeah, I guess it's also Leigh's 1997 field show.
DOLLAR BILL: A device for cleaning saxophone pads.
DOOR: A spontaneously located area of the field where you go if
not willing to participate.
DORK: MR.G'S favorite thing to call freshman
DOT BOOK: A small notebook to be kept in pocket that has complex
drawings and strange numbers that people say are their spots
for each picture. Designed to keep people from learning music.
DOUBLE REED: A good way to make a band member's face look like
they just ate a lemon.
DR. BEAT: A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of
the 8th Amendment) that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when
working on already-learned music.
DRILL: Pages that show what a form is supposed to look like.
Should be burned at year's end.
DRILL-DOWN: When band geeks follow long sets of commands from the
drum major, just to see who can do it, in an attempt at fun.
It is only "fun" when this name is used, however, not
during rehearsal.
DRUM CAPTAIN: The leader of the percussion section who's main
requirement for the job is to not be able to hold a steady tempo.
DRUM CORPS: Very similar to marching band, except for a few
differences: 1)They are good. 2)No woodwinds. Coincidence?
DRUM-TAP: A snare beat loud enough for the judges to hear, and
quiet enough so band doesn't hear.
DRUM-LINE: The people hitting the drums (or each other) with
sticks in time with each other, but either a half beat earlier or
later
than the band and one beat from the pit.
DRUM MAJOR: See conductor.
DRUM: Round hollow devices with covering on the top and sometimes
the bottom. Loud.
DYNAMICS: Either loud or louder (volume).
EARLY: To never be. Reasoning: To be early is to be on time,
while to be on time is to be late, but to be late is to never be.
Following this through, early is to never be. (Thank you to Aaron
Martinez for this logic.)
ECHO: What a band geek should hear after a good cut-off. I'm not
sure what it sounds like, though, so I can't explain it.
EXPONENTIAL GROWTH: The mathematical reasoning behind the fact
that when one flute graduates, two new freshmen take her
place.
F.C.P.L.: A brass dynamic marking that stands for "Forget
Control - Play Loud!"
FIELD: 100 yards in length, this is a wide expanse of mud on
which bands perform. Contained within the area of this expanse
are
frequent sprinklers with occasional patches of grass.
FLUTE: An un-tuned device for people who want to be in the band
who have weak arms and don't wish to be heard. Great odds for
guys, such as Patrick Lydon, though.
FOOD: "Fuel" for band geeks. Is an attacker of
performance uniforms, but can still be eaten (in secrecy) in this
state of being.
FOOTBALL TEAM: The main reason the band can't always use the
marching field.
FORMER BAND GEEK: The name given to a person who was in band,
quit, and now returns (usually with food) to rehearsals to
watch just for laughs.
FORTE: The lowest dynamic marking a brass instrument can play at.
FRENCH HORN: Only brass instrument that is played with left hand.
Involves strings in conjunction with valves and an
impossibility to play fast or loud.
FRESHMEN: Designed to make up half the size of the band.
FULL UNIFORM: A form of torture consisting of Urkel pants, a
heavy wool jacket, a choking ugly hat (with that strikingly
beautiful yet flammable plume), and circulation-stopping
suspenders.
FUND-RAISERS: Opportunities provided throughout the year for the
adult staff to yell at band members while making a few extra
bucks on the side. Results of these are used to double standard
teacher's salary.
GEEKDOM: The state of a band member who is willing to give up all
free time during season.
GEEKISM: Something that is related to marching band which
spontaneously happens (such as walking with friends down the hall
in step or whistling warm-ups or scales without thinking about
it).
GONG: A loud, large cymbal-like device. It is the goal of all
good percussionists to break or crack this instrument in any way
possible.
GRADUATED BAND GEEK: Someone who no longer attends the school or
is over-age for a drum corps., so he is no longer in the
band or corps. Example: Chris cline.
GREEN SHIRT: An article of clothing that is washed once a year. A
key part of the travel uniform and pep band uniform. Melts
when it burns.
HALT: A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.
HARMONY: All voices except the melody and percussion.
HELL: Inferno, Saturday rehearsals, and camp food.
HIGH-MARK-TIME: An action that only occurs when the marcher is
standing on mud (most of the time during last season at McLane)
or when one
forgets to wear suspenders to a competition.
HORN-POP: A method the keep the pit from going completely deaf
when brass instruments pass directly behind them by pointing
bells toward the sky. Not recommended for flutes or clarinets.
HUEVOS: (slang) A pair of devices which are designed to contain
energy which is to be released in the form of air through a brass
instrument.
INFERNO: The name of our 1997 opener, as well as the band's theme
song.
INSTRUCTOR: Person who tells you when you're screwing up.
INSTRUMENT†: A device used for torture.
INTERVAL: A space between two band members that is as random as
"Gavorkna"'s tempo.
IQ: A constant combined number that does not change as the size
of the band does.
JACK STAMP: See Jekyll & Hyde.
JEKYLL & HYDE: Something best left unremembered.
KEYBOARD: The layout of most pit instruments.
KILT: Part of Scottish uniform often mistaken for a skirt.( yes
we wear something under it!!)
LAPS: An alternate to 'shups, although not as effective.
LATE: See 'shups. Also results in winning one of mr.g's referrals
MAC TRUCK: An undefined variable for incorrect intervals invented
by Rich Alipaz.
MALLET: Something which can only be thrown by Richard Talley.
MANLY TAP: Something that Rich Talley fails to achieve.
MARCHING BARITONE: A version of a baritone created based on
enhancements over the successful design of a Marching French
Horn.
MARCHING FRENCH HORN: An instrument designed to be unable to
tune, kill all freshman who attempt to keep the horn up, and
make it impossible to snap.
MARCHING SHOES: Ugly, comfy, relatively inexpensive footwear.
MARK-TIME: A time when people only move their feet (without
changing location) to some tempo, usually "to the beat of a
different drum."
MELLOPHONE: A tunable version of a marching French horn (is there
such a thing?) used by drum corps and many schools.
Based on a trumpet design.
MELODY: The loudest voice, usually carried by the trumpets or
piccolos.
MEMORIZATION: An action that is supposed to take place in
conjunction with sets and music between band camp and the
commencement of the regular year, but does not generally happen,
except for the captain, until 'shups are issued or the year is
completed.
MEZZO-FORTE: The highest dynamic marking of any woodwind
excluding the piccolo.
MISTING: The meteorological term that the adult staff use for
saying, "It's raining, but we don't give a #@$*."
MOUTHPIECE: A critical piece to a brass instrument which is meant
to be dropped or thrown onto grass, loud stages, and/or
sometimes mud if not forgotten. Droppage of this device often
results in 'shups.
MOVIES: The other way to keep busy on the bus, a major
contributing factor to amusement at band parties along with
capture-the-flag.
MUD: A substance that the school wishes to grow and therefore
waters the field every night in hopes of increasing (see
exponential
growth).
MUSIC: 1. Papers which contain little black lines and dots with
strange symbols that somehow show what the music is to sound
like. 2. The succession of these notes that, in theory, should
sound good. Unfortunately, we're not all in Theory - we're in
Marching
Band.
NOTES: 1. Little round dots on lines that show the approximate
pitch that the instrument player tries to hit. 2. The language of
music, similar to "BASIC," "Pascal," or
"C" for computers.
NUMBER A, NUMBER B, ETC.: A non-linear form of counting invented
by T.L.
OBOE: A double-reed instrument used for obtaining a clarinet
sound in a piccolo range.
ON TIME: To never be. See reasoning for early.
ORGANISM: When used in conjunction with huevos, leads to the
climax of excitement.
PARADE-REST: A form of relaxation while standing up. Little
talking, but some required to keep band geeks sane.
PEDAL: A low vibration tone produced by brass instruments when
jaw is loosened. Noise is sometimes mistaken for the
conventional brain fart.
PENCIL TEST: A test, often failed by freshmen, designed to help
bell-front instrument players keep their horns up and even with
the
ground.
PEP BAND: An ensemble that goes to football and basketball games
with the sole purpose of embarrassing themselves. Slouching,
sitting around, and eating is aloud. Sombreros are expected.
PEP BAND UNIFORM: Green shirt, blue jeans, sombrero, and a death
wish.
PEPSI ONE: New soda claims to be safe but seems to make freshmen
act stupider, and causes more senior guilt trips.
PERCUSSION: The group of instruments hit by sticks or mallets
that keeps some beat or other.
PERFORMANCE: See concert.
PIANO: A form of "air-band" playing style.
PICCOLO: A high-pitched instrument similar to that of the flute,
only you can actually hear that it's out of tune.
PICCOLO TRUMPET: An instrument designed to do the same job as a
trumpet with some minor enhancements - since it's an octave
higher.
PIGEONS: A truly unique bird that has only one known natural
enemy: The windshield of a bus at 65 MPH.
PIT: Percussion instruments that have pitches (like a piano) that
play either half a beat earlier or later than the band, opposite
of
the drum line.
PLUME: The most dangerous part of the full uniform because of
it's flammability: Takes 2 seconds to burn properly.
POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE: A painful form of obligation by every band
geek during three of their four years in high school. An
extremely useful and effective form of torture for underclassmen.
PRACTICE†: The constant repetition of a sequence of notes in
an unsuccessful attempt to become skilled. Usually drives family
members either away from home or insane.
PRACTICE GLOVES: A natural method of scientific proof that there
are two types of dirt: Dark dirt that is attracted to light
objects and light dirt which is attracted to dark objects!
PSEUDO-GEEK: Somebody who isn't in band but thinks he is. Attends
band parties, competitions, and rehearsals. This is not to be
confused with a former band geek, or graduated band geek. See
also wannabe band geek.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION (P.D.A.): A touchy (literally),
debatable subject among band geeks. 1.Something that happens
regardless of what rules exist or peer pressure is made on
people. 2. Something that happens on the bus, in the stands,
during water
breaks, before and after rehearsals, during lunch and dinner
breaks, on the Band Table, at Band Parties, and just about
anywhere
else where the rest of the band is forced to watch a couple be
disgustingly cutesy together. (Yes, the author of this definition
is aware
that he is being very hypocritical.)
PUZZLE: A two-dimensional object that is displayed at band camp
that takes three days to make, and thirty seconds to forget.
RACCOONS: The most popular form of food at band camp. Good with a
side of veal, tasting kind of like a mix between chicken and
vixen. A worthy opponent to Shawn Morton.
RAIN: Nature's way of telling the band to go inside and practice
music.
REED: 1. A piece of wood that makes a great excuse for not
playing well (particularly for brass instruments) if broken or
brand
new. Usage's: "Sorry, new reed," or "I broke my
reed." 2. A device used to efficiently cut one's finger.
REHEARSAL†: Time used by band geeks to forget anything
learned during practice.
RESETTING: Definitions vary by sections. Woodwind: Wander
aimlessly for 3 minutes and talk quietly. Brass: Run as fast as
you
can back to your set yelling at the top of your lungs and
slipping in the mud then doing pushups. Battery: Wander and swear
as you
walk slowly back to your set. Colorguard: Prance back to your set
and avoid getting hit by stupid, yelling brass players. Pit: Sit
there and laugh your @$$ off while you watch this 3 minutes of
confusion.
RIFLE: 1*. A white-colored piece of wood used by the color guard
that is intended for injury of band or color guard members and
breakage of nails. 2. An impressive show of arm strength and
coordination by the guard. Unfortunately, live ammunition is not
granted as well.
ROLL-STEP: Method in which a geek should walk if his shoes are
round on the bottom. Not bouncing.
SABRE††: A piece of color-guard equipment which the
guard prefers over rifles and is also more dangerous.
Coincidence?
SILENT TAP: What drummers should do in a silent zone.(re pismo
beach 1997!!!!)
SECRET PALS: Designated person who gives candy, drinks, toys, and
wishes of good luck to another member of the band. The
cover is "band unity," but it's really an excuse to get
good stuff!
SENIOR: A source of constant guilt trips.
SFZ-PIANO-CRESCENDO: The act of blatting, stopping, then
blasting.
SHOW COORDINATOR: Person who creates and draws all of the
inanimate useless objects that the band attempts to form.
'SHUPS: Sometimes called "pushups," these you do when
something goes wrong due to you. Usually done in increments or
multiples of ten or fifteen. Designed as a method of
self-discipline.
SITTING-AROUND: An action carried out when sitting on busses on
in sands, in which band members rely on perpetual motion to
keep from sitting in the same place for more than 30 seconds.
SLOUCHING: An action best displayed by the Pep Band and concert
bands. Even if it's bad for playing, it's great for the back!
SLOW: What only John can do well, but what is usually not
supposed to happen.
SNAP: Instantly changing a horn's position from attention to
'horns up' or vice-versa. Havoc for someone in front of a snapped
instrument.
SOMBREROS: 1. A form of status symbolism or intensity; An
expression of rank. 2. A required piece of the Pep Band uniform.
3.
Accepted dress at Band Parties.
SOUSAPHONE: An instrument that adds bass to the band. Can play
any note as long as it's a low G.
SPACE-CHORD: A chord where each member plays whatever note he
feels like. Used so that band members (especially freshmen
who aren't used to us) get used to what we sound like.
SPAM: An artificial meat substance that almost sounds appetizing
after band camp's food.
SPANDEX (R): God's gift to mankind. A privilege, not a right!
SPARTAN WARM-UPS: A completely useless form of warm-up exercises.
SPRINKLER(S): An offensive attacker of the pit and color guard.
SQUEAK: The only sign that the woodwind reeds give that they are
actually playing.
STAFF: Adult leaders who arrange music, write drill, etc., but do
not perform in order to avoid embarrassment from their own
creations. Not to be confused with camp staff.
STANDING: What the brass-line does at band camp. Woodwinds do not
accomplish this feat due to their weak legs (in most cases).
There are a few exceptions to this weakness, but they don't stand
anyway.
STRETCH OUT: A term geeks frequently misunderstand as "time
to talk".
SUSPENDERS: The most effective way to strangle a band geek while
still keeping their pants up.
TALL FLAG: 1. attempted to spin by colorgaurd while moving and
repedidly hitting the band knocking everyone unconcious,
2. This results the drum major laughing for a couple of minutes
then calls animal control to come and "scoop" up the
band.
TELEPHONE: A communication device that must be answered by Sarah
tapney or Patrick
TEMPO: The correct beat, usually (but not always) carried by the
conductor.
TENOR-SAXOPHONE: An instrument similar to the bari-saxophone,
except it matches the pitch of a trombone or baritone.
TRAVEL UNIFORM: Consists of a green shirt, white pants, white
shoes, and a pile of potato chips and other junk in your lap.
This
torturous device (although it is unanimously agreed upon that
this is better than the full uniform) is inflicted during bus
travel.
TRUMPET: An instrument that is designed to make a band sound
better. The idea is that if the trumpets play loud enough, you
can't hear the rest of the band, so only the trumpets' mistakes
are heard, not everyone else's.
TROMBONE: A device with the same pitch as a baritone, except that
it uses a slide instead of valves, so it's easier to forget the
position(s).
TUBA: A concert sousaphone.
TUNE: What the condition when all instruments are within half a
step of each other is called. ( Hardly happens)
VALVE: A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only
during important performances and solos.
VALVE OIL: Exquisitely tasteful with a twist of lemon. A form of
currency for brass players. Most important ingredient to a
beverage known as "Valve Oil Daiquiri."
VIBE, The††: A frequent occurrence after long exposure
to fellow Band Geeks during intense competitions or rehearsals,
usually
resulting in obsessive compulsive behavior directed towards the
band. Know effects are few and are rarely, if ever, reversible.
Believed by some to be a sign of mental illness. Scientists are
stumped, and frankly, don't care why it occurs.
VISUAL: A way of keeping marching band members busy during a
show. Extra credit received if used against an on-field judge.
WANNABE BAND GEEK: Someone who hangs out with true band geeks.
(Namely Andrew)
WATER BREAK: An excuse for doing headstands on the field or
playing hacky-sack.
WHITE PANTS: An article of clothing that is worn to collect mud
during Saturday rehearsals when a competition follows the
rehearsal.
"WHO'S JACK STAMP?": The most common thing heard during
the 1996 marching season.
WOODWINDS: 1. A true sign that God has a sense of humor. 2. A
biological mistake.
YELLING: An expressive way of trying to prove that one is more
committed than the next person. This is a self-destructive way of
spending any rehearsal, yet we seem to continue in this practice
more and more. This is often connected with "the vibe"
and being
intense.
ZOO: 1.what the band room looks a lot like before/after
competition
