Some more Funnies for Grown Ups

A young boy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed the new boy's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Son, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

The boy replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get the youngster to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

I never knew how they did that.

When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. "Thou be hungry, Seymour?" saith God.

"I could eat," Seymour replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet.

The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour -- for just two people does it really pay to cook?"

this is just utterly gross. A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?" EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"