THE FACTS OF LIFE:

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

FASCINATING FACTS FROM BIOLOGY

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you ''break wind'' consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now, that's more like it.)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper is always smiling? And why isn't the pig included in this list?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...)

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.(now that one really bums me out.)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? Did the government pay for this research?)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? Did the government pay for this too?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.(more information than I wanted to know...besides, what kind of twisted individual studied this information?)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Hi, honey. I'm home. What the...?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig. Quality over quantity, you know.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this too.)