Jack: I’m an ass kicking fat kid!
Ozzy: What?
Jack: Nothing.
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Jack: Dude, how did my sister’s underwear just get mixed up with mine? You know, that’s just wrong!
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Kelly: I don’t really care what people think of my hair, If they like it or not, like, it’s not their hair, so I don’t really care. Ooh, that rhymed. 
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Kelly: You’re so f***king violent!
Jack and Ozzy: Shut up!
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Ozzy: I’m stuck on the weather channel, aah!
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Sharon: Well I’ll tell you what. I’m Ozzy Osbourne’s wife now shut the f***k up and go to bed!
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Sharon: That mother f***ker! Where is he?
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Episode 2-Dog Days

Jack: But who let the dog out?
Sharon: Jack, shut up!
Jack:  (sings) Who let the dog out? 
Sharon: Shut up and clean it up, now!
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Sharon: Let’s talk about…um, Lola and her f***cking one way ticket.
Jack: Let’s not and talk about Minnie and her ticket to the freeway!
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Kelly: Minnie’s a bitch. She’s just an evil cow, that just loves all the attention, but she won’t let me touch her.
Sharon: Kelly, she’s gonna make a leap at your face in a minute, and your gonna-
Minnie: (Barks at Kelly)
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Kelly: I have something to tell you. My thong is so far up my crack right now, I couldn’t even pull it out!
Sharon: I’ll cut it!
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Kelly: Aimee wears a thong every single day, and right now she is wearing a thong of mine. It’s been up my crack, and now it’s up her crack, and I’m not down with that.
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Ozzy: You don’t need a therapist, you just need to get up at seven and open the f***ing door!
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Ozzy: Turn the f***ing thing (vacuum) off, it’s driving me mad, man!
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Episode 7-Thanks For Nothing

Kelly: Jack likes to wrap presents in tin foil.
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Ozzy: I’d rather be here then in Afghanistan right now.
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Ozzy: Where were you hiding today?
Sharon: The room.
Ozzy: In the hotel?
Jack: We were like two floors below you.
Ozzy: You bastards.
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Ozzy: All my f***ing damn career is about f***ing bats!
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Sharon: He’s stoned! Is he singing?
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Sharon: Kelly.
Kelly: What?
Sharon: I dropped my collar down the toilet!
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Episode 8-No Vagrancy

Dill: God, I’m so hungover!
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Dill: I was the middle kid, I was always the middle, little kid! And…well actually…I was the last kid!
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Dill: I’m a f***ing pro skateboarder, Sharon. Don’t talk down to me!
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Jack: I mean, you could come back. You just have to be like, immediately. Oh, you just stepped on the cat’s tail, didn’t you?
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Kelly: It’s just as bad as when you s**t in dad’s bag of weed when we were in Hawaii.
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Sharon: Oh, I see, this is very nice.
Kelly: Mom.
Sharon: What?
Kelly: Just leave it.
Sharon: No, I’m gonna take a piss in it then put it back.
Kelly: Mom, are you nuts?
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Kelly: She’s pissing in the bottle. Don’t you dare, mom!
Sharon: If you tell him, I’ll kill you!
Kelly: Mom!
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Ozzy: Kelly, please, I’m talking. Shut the f**k up! 
Kelly: I’m not talking!
Ozzy: Shut the f**k up!
Kelly: Noooo!
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Kelly: Shut up, dad.
Ozzy: Why are you so f**king god d*mn rude to me?
Kelly: Because you’re talking about, I don’t go to hospitals unless they give me heroin, I’m sorry, I don’t really 
want to hear you talk about that.
Ozzy:…I love you.
Kelly: F**k off!
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Ozzy: How do you wake up, Jack?
Jack: I wake up and-
Kelly: Jack wakes up, j**k’s off and then goes out to try to find as many women as he can because he’s famous 
from a TV show.
Jack: That’s right.
Ozzy: Put your hand there, son.
Jack: Thank you. You see, and is there anything wrong with that?
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Ozzy: I went to the playboy mansion twice. F**king incredible building.
Kelly: Everytime I get invited mom will never let me go.
Ozzy: You know why…w-w-we never let you go? Cause…oh forget it.
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Ozzy: (Sings)Smile…
Kelly: F**k off!
Ozzy: (Sings)Smile…
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Ozzy: I go up to Prince William and I say, “excuse me, where’s the toilet?” And he goes, “I don’t f**king know!”
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Ozzy: She’s (Kelly) like on the top five list…for them to get in bed with.
Jack: So am I.
Kelly: Oh, you wish, Jack.
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Ozzy: Shush the f**k up, man, I’m trying to talk, you’re pissing me off! Oh, a red ferrari!
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