Decisions

Kelly Brackett exited the treatment room and turned towards the base station. He was brought up short in the crowded hallway at the sight of the couple entering the elevator. The woman preceded her companion by a pace or two, guided by the pressure of his hand, which rested in the small of her back. Both turned as they entered the elevator and her eyes locked with Kel’s. There was no mistaking what she saw in his expression – disbelief, hurt, anger and, as the doors slid mercifully shut, betrayal. His silent message had been all too clear. How could you, Dix?

******

As he left the treatment room, Joe Early stopped and leaned against the wall to complete his notations in the patient’s chart.  In reality, it was an opportunity to surreptitiously watch Kel at the base station. He didn’t like what he saw. It was half-past ten, and Kel’s shift had been over more than four hours ago. ‘Paperwork’ had been the excuse Kel had offered. Avoidance was more likely. Over the last few weeks, Joe had watched Kel withdraw into himself, shuttering himself away behind his work. Preparing, as it were, for the inevitable.

It had started innocently enough with the arrival of Dr. Richard Covington, the new chairman of Obstetrics. Recently divorced, Covington had relocated to Rampart and Southern California. He had an exceptional reputation as a physician and was the antithesis of Kel - tall, blond, urbane and effusive. He reminded Joe of Bertie Wooster with a brain.

Covington’s pursuit of Dixie had begun almost immediately. Initially she had rebuffed his offers of dinner or a movie or the ballet (an interest never shared by Kel), but Covington was persistent. Finally, in a weak moment and after a long and grueling shift, she had relented and agreed to have dinner with him.  Based on what little Dixie had shared with him, Joe knew that she’d been surprised at what an enjoyable evening it had been and doubly surprised that she agreed to see him again.

After this tentative foray into dating, a relationship seemed to blossom overnight, at least according to Richard. Joe suspected that Dixie’s motivations were far more complicated. Although not manipulative by nature, Joe wondered if she hoped, deep down, that seeing Covington would be the catalyst that would bring Kel to his senses. In the three years since their breakup, they had managed to maintain not only a close working relationship but a deep and affectionate friendship. Neither had shown the slightest inclination in moving on to another romantic relationship. It seemed that the only people unwilling or unable to admit that Dixie and Kel still loved one another were Dixie and Kel themselves.

Joe watched as Kel gathered up several charts and headed slowly back down the hall towards his office. Over the last few weeks, he’d been efficient as always. Robotic even, as if clinging to his hospital routine would make things return to normal. Kel’s tactics hadn’t panned out as planned. Kel had initially ignored Richard’s increasingly obvious presence in his department. He’d refused to discuss Dixie and Covington’s growing relationship with Joe, insisting that Covington wasn’t her type, that he was too smooth and that Dixie would see through him.

She didn’t – or wouldn’t. When the gossip reached fever pitch, Kel became concerned. The revelation that Covington had asked Dixie to accompany him for a weekend in San Francisco had finally spurred him into action. As expected, Kel had handled things with all the finesse of a wrecking ball. Joe had only caught the tail end of that conversation, but it had been enough.

            “You’re not going?”

            “And why not?”
            “Dix, you hardly know him. You can’t just go off with him.”

            “Don’t tell me what to do. What right do you have to tell me how to live my life?”

Up to that point, Joe thought that Dixie might have been wavering in her decision to accompany Richard. Then Kel had made the decision for her – once again. Joe had tried to reason with her later, away from Kel.

“Joe, I’m a big girl. Why does everyone think that, in the first place, I’m making a mistake with Richard and second that they have a right to tell me that? Don’t I have a right to be happy? How long do I have to wait?”

Good question Dix, Joe thought, how long indeed?

Dixie had dug her heels in after that. She was going to San Francisco despite everyone’s advice to the contrary, unless he could put a stop to it. There was no point in trying to talk to Dix; he’d have to talk to Kel.  Joe deposited his chart at the base station and headed down the hall to Kel’s office.

**************

Act 2

The room was dark, the single desk lamp providing the only light. He could barely see Kel look up from the pile of papers in front of him and motion for him to enter.

“Joe, what can I do for you?”

He looks haggard, like he hasn’t slept. “Kel, we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“You...” Joe said, slipping into one of the facing chairs, “…Dix. I - ”

Kel cut him off, “Mind your own business Joe.”

“I can’t, not this time.”

“You’re out of line,” Kel’s voice was harder this time and angrier.

“My two best friends are, I’m afraid, about to make the worst mistakes of their lives. I can’t not interfere.”  Eliciting no reaction from Kel, he continued, “Kel, you’ve got to talk to her. You’ve got one chance to convince her not to go.”

“Joe,” Kel said softly, the defeat evident in his voice, “let it go. She’s made her choice.”

“No Kel, you’re choosing for her, just like before.”

“Me? How did this become my responsibility? I’m not the one tearing off to San Francisco with someone else.” Kel swiveled around in his chair and stood with his back to Joe, silently watching the wind whip raindrops against his office windows.

“No, but you’re not giving her any other options are you? Kel think about it, don’t you think Dix has had chance after chance to move on. Kel, she’s a beautiful, intelligent woman; I’m sure other men have asked. But how long is she supposed to wait for you to come to your senses. She asked me that – ‘how long’. She still loves you; I’m sure of it.”

“She has a damn funny way of showing it,” Kel replied sarcastically

“No worse than yours.” Even in the gloom Joe could see him stiffen. Not surprisingly, Kel wasn’t budging. Although they had never discussed what had happened, Joe surmised that Kel had panicked when things with Dixie had gotten too serious too quickly. He’d pulled out of the relationship, at least on the surface, but Joe suspected that Kel had discovered that disentangling his heart was far more difficult than changing his habits – and was too proud and too hesitant to admit his mistake. At least not without a little help from his friends. So, it was time to try a different tactic.  “Kel, tell me you don’t love her.”

“I want what’s best for her.”

“I know that, so do I.” That’s why I’m here. “That’s not what I asked.” Joe got up circling around to face Kel. “Tell me you don’t love her.”

Kel squared his shoulders, swallowed and tried again, “Joe, I don’t …” He couldn’t finish; he closed his eyes and sighed, brushing his hand across his face.

“Joe, she deserves better...someone who can give her...” he faltered.

“Give her what?”

“… more time…attention…”

“Did she tell you that Kel?”

“No, not in so many words, but-”

“You know what I think,” Joe interrupted him. “I think that’s always been your excuse. That she deserved better and that somehow you did her a favor by breaking it off. How noble. I don’t think nobility had a damn thing to do with it. I think you were scared. You’d met your match and gotten yourself into something you couldn’t control or scared that you might lose her, so you got out while you still could. Only it didn’t work out that way, did it? You still love her, don’t you Kel?”

Kel flinched involuntarily and turned towards the couch, and away from Joe, whose analysis had hit its mark. Kel dropped onto the couch, his elbows propped on his knees; for a long moment he stared at the floor. “For what it’s worth, yes, I still love her.”

Joe joined him on the couch. “It may be worth more than you know.”

“No Joe; it’s too late.”

“It’s not too late. Not until she gets on that plane tomorrow morning. You still have time.”

“This is crazy. It’s too late. She won’t listen now, why should she? What would I possibly say to explain three years of stupidity?”

“How about the truth? You made a mistake, a colossal mistake. Tell her why. Give her a chance to decide for herself, rather than you choosing for the both of you.”

“What if she says ‘no’?”

“Will you be any worse off than you are now?” Joe countered, as gently as possible.

Kel shook his head. No.

“Kel, if you don’t try, can you live with asking yourself ‘what if’?” Joe wondered if Kel had heard him. He sat, staring straight ahead, the clenching and unclenching of his jaw muscles the only visible movement. “Go Kel, it’s your last chance.”

**********

Act 3

She’d let him in, answering his insistent knock at her door. Never mind that it was nearly midnight. He’d charged in, barely acknowledging her as she opened the door.

“Kel, what are you doing here?”

He was standing in the middle of her living room, water dripping off his hair and leather jacket, looking around as if he’d never seen the place before. “Kel?”

“We have to talk. Well, I have to talk, and you have to, well you don’t have to, but I want you to listen to me. Please. Just give me five minutes.” His words tumbled out, as if trying to escape before he changed his mind.

She’d never seen his so visibly rattled. “Kel, what’s wrong?”

Without preamble, he asked, “Dix, I need to know. Richard, do you love him?”

“What?”

“Are you happy? Is he really what you want?”

Thrown completely off-guard, Dixie fell back on the defensive, “Kel, I don’t think this is the time or the place for this –”

“I’m out of times and places,” he countered. Then he held up his hand to forestall any other comment. “And I know that I probably forfeited any right to pry into your personal life three years ago, but Dix I need to know.”

She was torn between the budding realization that he might finally be admitting his feelings and the fear that it was merely his overworked ego talking. “Why?” she pushed him. “Because you don’t want me, but no one else can have me either?” She stalked into the center of the living room to face him. “Let me remind you Kel, you walked away. You chose to end things, not me. It wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t even consulted in the decision.”

“No…” he floundered. “I don’t know how to say this.” He stared at her hurt, angry face.  They’d stood in virtually the same positions years before, when he’d told her it was over, that personally and professionally he felt it was the only possible decision.

“Try,” she glared at him. You owe me that much, buster.

He took a deep breath and then plunged ahead. “I was wrong when I ended things. I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth that I’d made a mistake, but I didn’t know how to fix it.” He shook his head and sighed; Joe’d been right all along. “I made the decision for you, not with you, but I wanted what was best for you.”

“I should have been the one to make that decision,” she reminded him, close to tears.

I know, he nodded. “I was afraid that I couldn’t be the person you wanted – or deserved – so I bailed. And I’ve regretted every day since then. Every day.”

He’d admitted it. She never thought she’d hear him actually say it, but she wouldn’t be swayed so easily. “So what is this then, a last minute plea for a second chance?”

“Yes. I guess it is.”

“And why should I listen to you? Give me one good reason to trust you…to believe you. What makes you think that after all these years apart, after weeks of me seeing Richard, that now you can just swoop in and say you’re sorry?” So much time had passed and not nearly enough had been said. “You stopped loving me, not the other way around.”

Kel stared at her, weighing her accusations against his answers. “I never stopped…I never stopped loving you, Dix. I just stopped admitting it...” She closed her eyes in response, wrapping her arms across her chest. He went on, “…to you, to myself. And that may not be a good enough reason for you, but it’s the truth, and it’s the only reason I’ve got.”

For a full twenty seconds, she said nothing. “Why now?” she asked. “Why tell me this now?”

“It was something Joe said, that finally made sense. He asked me if I could live with myself if I told you how I felt and you said it was too late. It’d be no different than how it’s been the last three years. But what if I didn’t try and you’d have…” he trailed off, unable to voice the alternative. “I decided that hearing you say ‘No’ was better than never taking the chance on you saying ‘Yes’. I’ve had a three-year-long lesson in what happens when you walk away because you’re too afraid of failing. Because you’re afraid, period.”

I can’t believe I’m hearing this. “What do you want?” she asked, turning away from him, staring out at the rain splattering on the patio.

“I want my life to be different. Not what it’s been the last three years. I’m not living Dix; I’m existing. Breathe in, breathe out. Go to work, come home. That’s all.” He paused, raking a hand through his hair, trying to find the words. “I tried to convince myself that I’d done the right thing…what was best for you. I tried to change how I felt...tried to bury it under work and more work, but I can’t. I tried to be reasonable and logical…but there’s no reason or logic to love. I love you. I always have. And regardless of what you decide, I probably always will.”

She leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the patio doors. How odd, she thought. You expect those moments when your life veers wildly from your consigned route into uncharted, but not unwished for, territory to be dramatic, cataclysmic.  You don’t expect them to arrive courtesy of a wet and rumpled and rambling physician who, for reasons you can’t explain, still haunts your dreams. But isn’t this what you wanted, deep down? Perhaps not a romantic, eleventh hour declaration, but Kel Brackett on his knees, figuratively if not literally.

She looked up, meetings Kel’s eyes in the reflection of the glass doors. She’d never seen this Kel. She’d seen him frustrated, angry, exhausted, and exhilarated but never so openly vulnerable. He’d always held a bit of himself back, not this time. He’d called the shots before, not this time. This was her call.

She turned, never dropping her gaze from his. I must be mad. One step, then two and she was in his arms. He seemed startled, even stunned, at first, but he recovered quickly, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair.

She could hear his heart pounding. “Say it again,” she murmured into his chest.

“What?”

Louder this time. “Say it again.”

“I love you,” he said with conviction. He brought his hands up, cupping her head and turning her face to look up at him, “I love you,” he vowed, “and I won’t disappoint you this time. I promise.” He bent his head to kiss her, tentatively at first, as if he were unsure of how his offer of affection would be received, but with increasing ardor.

Panting, they finally parted for air. “Now what?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied, clinging to him.

“Me either. Driving over here, I kept running this scenario over and over in my head and it always ended with you telling me ‘no’ and asking me to leave. I never got this far,” he added sheepishly. “Maybe….”

“Maybe what?”

“I know it’s late, but maybe you should call Richard…tell him you’re not going,” he suggested. “You’re not, right?” he added, kissing her again.

“No, but I’ve already called Richard.”

“What?” He was fairly certain that he hadn’t missed overhearing that phone call. “When?”

“This afternoon.”

“This afternoon…you mean you’d already changed your mind…” he sputtered.

“I couldn’t go through with it. Richard’s a wonderful man, but I don’t love him,” she added with emphasis.

He dropped his arms from around her and stepped back. “Dix, you let me blunder in here and say all that…and you’d already decided…”

“No. Kel…going or not was up to me. It depended on how I felt. But this…” she closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his waist, “...depends on knowing what you feel, and if I had stopped you I wouldn’t know, would I?”

“No,” he conceded, slipping his arms back around her. “I guess not. Did you know I was coming over here?”

“No, but I’m glad that you did,” she purred. “Now back to your original question, where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know, Dix. Isn’t there some standard getting-back-together ritual we’re supposed to follow?”

“Not that I’m aware of. I think we just make it up as we go along.” She kissed him again. What had he said…there’s no reason or logic to this… “So,” she asked, “what would you like to do next?”

Was it his imagination, or had the timbre of her voice dropped ever so slightly and suggestively. He looked down at her, “You can’t be serious.”

The smoldering kiss she gave him left him absolutely no doubt as to just how serious she was. “I love you,” she finally declared, “and I’ve waited years for what I want. I’m not going to continue to wait some arbitrary amount of time based on society’s antiquated ideas of propriety.” There, she’d shocked him.

And he looked shocked – but pleased. Okay.

He moved to pick her up in his arms, to carry her into the bedroom. She stopped him.

“No...” she said unraveling his tie, and dragging it seductively from his neck as she turned towards the hallway and the bedroom beyond, “…you see how much more fun this is when you let me decide for myself.”

************

Epilogue

“Could you page Dr. Early please,” she heard him whisper. “No. I’ll hold.”

She checked the clock on her bedside table, 3:06, and wondered what possible reason he could have for calling Joe at this hour, especially after-

“Joe, it’s Kel. Look, I need you to do me a favor. Find a replacement for me tomorrow. I can’t….I won’t be coming in.”

There was silence for a few seconds, then Kel continued in the same rushed whisper, “No…no…I can’t right now…it’s complicated-”

She rolled over against him. Pressed against his bare back, she wormed her right hand under his arm to grasp the receiver. Tilting it back slightly so that Joe could hear, in her huskiest, smokiest voice she said, “Tell Joe goodnight, Kel.”

A rushed “Goodnight Joe,” was followed by Kel immediately hanging up the phone before Joe could reply.

Chuckling at thought of Early’s reaction, Kel rolled on his back to face her. “I hope you don’t mind; I thought that we could spend the day together.” He reached up with one finger and tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “We still have a lot to talk about.”

For a few seconds, she didn’t respond. Her “Thank you,” caught him by surprise.

“What?”

“Thank you. In all the years I’ve known you, you have never, ever, played hooky from work. You even come to work when you’re sick.”

“It’s like I told you, Dix. This time it will be different. There’s more to life than work.”

She pretended to be shocked. “Really? What else could you possibly find to occupy your time?”

He pulled her into an embrace and murmured into her ear, “I have a detailed plan. Wanna hear it?”

“Hmmm,” she said, kissing him. “I’m all yours.”  

For Scamp. It’s an odd name for a muse, but…