Brackett nodded. "Exactly. I suppose we'll just have to wait for the tests."

"You don't have to ask. Where is she?"

Joe headed for the door. "I'll take you there. I wanted to look in on her myself."

******************

Kel stepped into the room just behind Joe, gasping softly. It always seemed like a lot fewer machines when the patient was just another stranger. Dixie was lying there, so pale and still...it unnerved him--a lot more so than he would have liked. The ventilator hid a portion of her face from his view. It was doing Dixie's breathing for her since her body was too weakened to undertake the task alone. Damn, how could such a simple, natural thing as breathing suddenly become so difficult?

Kel reached out to gently stroke her hair for a moment, gazing down at her sleeping face. "My God, Dixie...what happened?" He looked back to Early. "Um, Joe...could you give me a minute?"

Joe nodded, smiling warmly. He placed a gentle hand on Brackett's arm. "Sure, Kel." Besides, it would give him a chance to see if the lab had gotten the test results done any sooner than they'd originally thought. He slipped out of the room, leaving Brackett alone with Dixie.

The dark-haired doctor knelt down beside the bed, taking one of Dixie's hands into his own. "Aw, Dix, you know you're scaring the hell out of me, right? I mean, I just dropped by your place to see how you were feeling. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. The ER's going to fall apart without you, you know. You saw how bad it was that time you broke your ankle. And besides, without you, who would there be to keep me human, huh? You gotta think about that, you can't leave us. We need you too much, Dixie! I need you. We're a team. Hold on, okay? Please...just hold on. We'll find out what's wrong, I swear it. I promise, Dixie, we'll treat it, whatever it is. You just gotta hold on!" His voice was breaking, and he stopped speaking...just sat there, gazing at her. Watching as her chest rose and fell with each mechanically assisted breath.

Brackett stood up, and walked over to Joe. "What's the verdict? What's wrong with her?"

Joe sighed, and led the younger man out of the room and to a chair in the waiting area. He glanced around to make sure they were alone. "Kel, have you noticed anything odd or different about Dixie lately?"

"No, why?"

"You're sure?" Joe asked. "She hasn't seemed...moody or depressed somehow?"

Kel frowned in confusion. "What are you implying, Joe?"

"This can't be right," Brackett said, confused. He looked back up at his friend. "According to this report, there's 3200 milligrams of Motrin in her blood!"

"Yeah, Kel," Early agreed softly, looking down and away. "Overdose levels."

"What happened?" Kel asked. "How did the report get screwed up?"

Joe sighed again, heavily. It was obvious that Kel wasn't grasping what had happened. Whether he truly couldn't comprehend the idea, or whether it was denial, Joe couldn't tell. "Kel, I know this is hard to accept, but I think it might have been a suicide attempt."

"No!" Kel exclaimed, horrified by the very suggestion. "No, not Dixie. She wouldn't have done that."

"Kel..." Early reasoned. "Just think about it. Now that I consider it, she did seem kind of depressed yesterday..."

"She was having a rotten day!"

"That's true, but..." The white-haired doctor paused, and put a hand on Kel's arm. "Maybe she's been depressed for a long time. You should know how easily it can be hidden from everyone else. Maybe...maybe yesterday just brought everything to the surface. Maybe she finally reached her breaking point."

"No," Kel insisted. "Look Joe, I don't know what happened. I don't know how it happened. But I know that Dixie did not try to kill herself! We don't know the whole story, and the only person who can tell us what really happened is lying in that bed, in a coma." He was pacing the small waiting room by this point.

Joe looked at him imploringly, standing up to join him. "Kel, I don't want to believe that Dixie tried to take her own life any more than you do. God knows I don't. But the results are correct, and the lab doesn't lie."

"It could have been some kind of mistake!"

"Would've had to have been one hell of a mistake."

"No one expected it from Millie, either," Joe said gently. He regretted saying it the instant the words were out of his mouth. 'Low blow.'

Those words struck a chord with Kel Brackett. In a combination of total shock, grief, desperation, anger, and confusion, he swung at Joe, not even realizing what he was doing. He missed--by a mile--but was still shocked at what he had just done. "God, Joe...I'm so sorry..."

"That's what happened," Kel insisted. "That has to be it! I know Dixie. She didn't do it, Joe. You didn't see her at that apartment. She was so spaced out that she could hardly walk straight. It could have been a mistake."

Joe knew he was never going to convince Brackett if he didn't want to be convinced. "Kel, we're never going to agree on this. So why don't we just agree to disagree? It won't change her treatment any. And if we keep fighting, it'll probably do Dix more harm than good."

Brackett nodded. "Yeah. You're right." He looked down at the floor, suddenly becoming fascinated with the pattern on the carpet.

******************

Roy DeSoto sighed as he walked into the emergency department of Rampart General Hospital, a long-suffering look on his face. His partner, Johnny Gage, was acting like a hyperactive child...again. They were stopping by the hospital to pick up supplies before the day got really busy. C-shift hadn't had the time. And, besides, Dwyer and Varjak had seemed rather subdued at the station, but they hadn't volunteered any information, so Roy had assumed they didn't want to talk about it, whatever it was. Probably a bad run or something.

Johnny looked around, barely standing still in order to do so. Something was up, and Roy had a feeling he'd be hearing about it soon enough. And hearing about it. And hearing about it. Sometimes, Johnny could be worse than a dog with a bone when he got an idea into his head. "Hey, where's Dix? I don't see her around."

Roy shrugged. "I don't know. She's probably around here somewhere, maybe with a patient?"

"Maybe," Johnny allowed. He smiled that lopsided grin of his, noticing Kate Michaels standing near the base station. "Hey, look, there's Kate. Let's go say hi to her."

Roy grinned. "Sure." 'Make her day.' Kate's "crush" on Johnny Gage was obvious to everyone who knew her, except maybe Johnny. He saw her as a friend, but had never indicated anything more. Kate, however, was head over heels in love with the handsome young paramedic. She kept hoping that one day he'd come around. 'You might have a long wait ahead of you, Kate. Johnny's a great guy...I love him like a brother...but he can be incredibly thick-headed at times!' Especially when it came to the area of love.

Kate usually perked up when she saw Johnny coming, but the most she managed this time was a smile of greeting. "Hi, guys." She looked upset, which was highly unusual for Kate. Normally she was bright, cheerful, and slightly offbeat. Kate hadn't looked like this since she'd first arrived at Rampart. Back then, she'd had a lot of personal problems that were getting to be too much for her to handle. After Dixie had taken an interest in the girl, though, and taken her under her wing, Kate was back to her typical self. The sadness in her eyes now was worrisome to the two paramedics.

"Kate..." Roy started, "what's wrong?"

The young nurse looked up at them, her all-too-expressive green eyes glistening with tears yet to be shed. "Did you guys hear about Dixie?"

"No, what happened?" Johnny asked lightly, trying to cheer her up. It was a nice gesture--if somewhat misdirected. "She finally run off to Cancun like she's been threatening to if things didn't lighten up around here?"

Kate paused, looking down at the counter for a moment before meeting their eyes again. "This might not be the best time to tell you, at the start of your day and all, but no one's ever accused me of having good timing. She..." The nurse sighed deeply before continuing, and took a breath. "Dixie tried to kill herself last night. Overdose."

"Oh, my God!" Roy exclaimed. "Are you serious?"

Kate nodded. "I wish I weren't. That's what Dr. Early told me, though."

"How is she?" Roy asked.

"Still critical," Kate answered sadly, sitting down behind the desk.

Johnny didn't say anything. He just stared at Kate, his chocolate brown eyes wide with absolute shock. His mouth was slightly open and his hyperactivity had abruptly worn off. When he finally found words with which to speak again, he looked at Roy. "We gotta see her."

Roy nodded slowly, still processing the information. "Yeah."

"She's in ICU," Kate offered. "You want me to take you there?"

"Um..." Roy began, "thanks, but..." He was looking at Johnny, who seemed on the verge of breaking. If that happened, Roy knew that Johnny wouldn't want anyone to be witness if he could help it. "I think we can find it...right, Junior?" Johnny just nodded.

Kate seemed to understand, and she nodded. "Okay, guys. See you later then."

"Yeah," Roy said. "See ya."

The mood was very somber and subdued as the partners walked upstairs to the Intensive Care Unit. Roy wanted to talk to Johnny about this, but he knew Johnny didn't want to talk. Roy himself was still blown away by the news. He'd never in a million years have guessed that Dixie McCall would ever attempt suicide. 'Was there ever any sign?' he wondered silently. 'Some warning? Was she crying out for help without our ever knowing it?' He knew the symptoms of depression could be well masked, and his training had given him many more reasons behind attempted suicides. He'd never have applied any one of them to Dixie, though. She was always so tough...so fiercely independent. He was confused, worried, and shocked, but he supposed there must have been some reason. And Kate said that Joe Early had been the one to tell her, he wouldn't have said it if he didn't think that was really the case.

They stepped inside the small room together. Roy could hear Johnny's soft gasp beside him. He sympathized. They'd seen hundreds of patients like this before, but it was always different when the patient was a friend.

Neither of the men spoke for a moment. The only sounds in the room were the soft hiss of the ventilator and the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. The silence was beginning to get uncomfortable, so Roy finally spoke.

"Hi, Dix...Johnny 'n' me just dropped in to see ya..." He reached out, and patted her hand, careful not to disturb any of the medical equipment surrounding her. Monitor leads...IV lines...they snaked about her, making her seem even paler than she really was.

"Dammit!" Johnny burst out suddenly, his conflicting emotions finally rushing to the surface and overflowing. "Dixie, you gotta wake up and tell us what happened! I know you didn't try to kill yourself! I know it! Come on, all you gotta do is wake up and tell us what really happened!"

Roy put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey, hey...take it easy, Junior." He figured out fairly quickly what the matter was, Johnny was close to Dixie, but he also looked up to her. She was such a pillar of strength to everyone. It was a frightening thing when that pillar crumbled. Johnny's denial was his form of self-protection.

"No," Johnny whispered. The very concept that Dixie might try to take her own life was incomprehensible to him. He turned back to Dixie, resting his hand on hers. "C'mon, Dix...you gotta pull through, this, okay? You gotta fight. 'Cause, I mean...you're just gonna be lying here, and the whole place is gonna fall apart. We need you! You...you gotta make it. You just gotta." His voice was breaking now; he was on the verge of tears. Roy knelt down beside him, and put an arm around his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

Johnny pulled away, standing up. He continued to talk to the unconscious woman, desperately hoping that she could somehow hear him. "We'll, uh...we'll see you later, Dix, all right?" He turned to leave, but then stopped, and bent down to gently kiss Dixie's forehead. "Hang in there, 'kay?"

Brackett had just been coming up to check in on Dixie for himself, but stopped in the doorway when he saw Roy and Johnny were already there. When Johnny kissed her, Kel turned away, touched. He had never realized before just how much of a big sister Dixie had always been to Johnny. As the paramedics left, Brackett pretended like he was just going in, allowing Johnny his privacy. "Oh, uh...hi, guys. I was just..."

Johnny nodded, understanding. "Yeah. Um...we'd, uh, better get back to the station. See ya later, Doc."

Brackett nodded. "Of course."

Roy nodded his goodbye as well, and followed his partner down the hall.

******************

When Roy and Johnny got back to 51, things at the station were the same as they always were. The two paramedics might have been fighting their own inward battles, but the rest of the world saw no such reason to hold back. Life was going on, as it always did.

Hank Stanley noticed that his paramedics were rather quiet and keeping to themselves, bordering on brooding, but he didn't say anything. He figured that if they wanted to talk about it, he'd let them come to him. They'd be more receptive that way.

Of course, sometimes a little intervention was required, as became painfully obvious when Johnny opened up the cabinet to pull a plate out and was hit smack in the face with one of Chet's water bombs.

Across the kitchen, Chet grinned and braced himself for the Gage rant he knew to be coming. Hank looked up as well, frustrated that Chet had picked such a lousy time, but also knowing that unless Chet had truly been paying attention, he wouldn't have had any way of knowing it was such a lousy time. And maybe this would snap Johnny out of his blue funk.

But there was no rant, no growl of frustration, no dirty looks. Instead, Johnny quietly mumbled something about going to change his shirt and calmly walked back towards the locker room.

Other than Roy, the rest of the shift members stared at each other in shock. Johnny's non-reaction was the absolute last reaction they'd expected. And, to be honest, it scared them a little. No, it scared them a lot.

"Did...did you see that...?" Chet sputtered, staring in the direction that Gage had left.

"Yeah..." Marco agreed. "I wonder what's up with him?"

Even the normally reticent Mike Stoker had a comment on the scene they'd just witnessed. "Wow. That was...unexpected."

Roy shook his head slowly and started to move in the direction that Johnny had gone.

"Roy, wait," Hank advised, getting the impression that Johnny had wanted to be alone. "Give him a minute."

Roy nodded and sat down at the dayroom table.

After a few minutes, when Johnny hadn't slunk back into the dayroom yet, the captain decided to step in. Nodding at Roy, he headed back to the dorm area. Roy understood, and followed. Chet, Marco, and Stoker all exchanged glances...glad someone was checking into this. They'd never seen Johnny react like that before, and it worried them.

Roy and Hank found Johnny lying on his bunk, still wearing the same wet shirt. He hadn't bothered to dry the water from his hair, either, but both of the other men knew full well that the silent droplets making their way down his cheeks now weren't falling from his hair. Hank didn't know about Roy, but he knew he had never seen Johnny cry before. It concerned him. Johnny was obviously fighting it, but losing the battle.

Stanley sat down on the end of the bed, as Roy sat on the other side of it. "Hey, John...what's the matter?"

"Nothin'," Johnny muttered, wiping the tears away impatiently. "M'fine."

"No, you're not," the captain insisted. "Look, pal, Stoker's said more in the past hour than you two have since you've gotten back here--combined. Plus, you're acting strangely. I mean, the only reason Chet pulls those stupid pranks is to get a rise out of you. I think you scared the hell out of him. Out of all of us. Now, you know that we're like family here. If something's bothering you--and something obviously is--I want you to be able to talk to me about it. My office is always open."

"Yeah, Cap," Johnny agreed, nodding. "Thanks."

Roy finally spoke. "Um...Cap...you're going to eventually find out anyway...we might as well tell you."

When he didn't say more, Hank prodded him gently. "Tell me what?"

Roy took a deep breath, running a hand over his face. "Last night...Dixie McCall tried to kill herself."

"Oh, my God..." Hank whispered, shaking his head softly. While he may not have been as close to the nurse as the two paramedics were, everyone in the fire department knew and admired Dixie. And no one would have ever suspected that she would try to commit suicide.

"No!" Johnny protested, sitting up. "No, she couldn't have! Not Dixie! She's too tough to do that! It's a mistake or an accident or something! It's gotta be!" Johnny had the ultimate faith in Dixie. It went against everything he was to even entertain the notion that Dixie might have tried to take her life into her hands in such a drastic way. This wasn't to say that Roy didn't believe in Dixie--he did. He was just more logical, more pragmatic. He couldn't just ignore all the evidence that pointed to such a conclusion.

Stanley smiled sympathetically at Johnny. His heart broke for the younger man. Sometimes, even the great man (or woman, as the case were) stumbled, and those who placed so much upon them never failed to be crushed when it happened. He sighed and looked back at Roy. "How's she doing?"

Roy bit his lip for a moment, then looked back up to his captain. "Not too good...she's in, uh, critical condition. She overdosed on some kinda pain meds. That's all we really know right now. The 'official story' at Rampart is that it was a reaction to the medication she took, but Dr. Early's pretty much convinced it was a suicide attempt."

Hank nodded, then shook his head slowly. "Wow. That's rough." He patted both of the paramedics' shoulders, trying to offer them some semblance of comfort. He knew how hard telling this story was for Roy (and he got the impression that it might be a good idea to leave Johnny alone to talk with his partner for a few minutes) so he stood up. "Keep me updated, okay? I'll, uh...I'll go tell the other guys if you want."

Roy nodded. "Thanks, Cap. I'd appreciate it."

"What else are friends for, pal?"

Johnny forced a tiny half-smile. "Yeah, thanks, Cap."

"Anytime." Hank walked out of the dorm area and back into the dayroom. The rest of his men were standing around speculating on the events of earlier. Well, Chet and Marco were doing most of the speculating. Stoker just kind of nodded and maybe contributed a word or two every now and then. When they saw their captain, they all looked at him expectantly.

"What happened?" Chet asked.

"Is Johnny okay?" Marco inquired.

"You're kidding!" Chet exclaimed, shocked.

"Madre del dios," Marco whispered.

Stoker didn't say anything, he just kind of stared at Cap in complete and total shock.

Chet shook his head slowly. "Man...no wonder Gage was acting so weird." He was starting to feel guilty for that water bomb prank, even though he hadn't known that something was bugging Johnny. After all, the Phantom never hit a man when he was down. If he'd paid attention, Chet thought, maybe he'd have noticed beforehand that Johnny and Roy weren't their usual selves, or... He stared at the tabletop for a moment, then back up at Stanley. "How's she doing, Cap?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," Hank answered. "The hospital says that her condition is critical."

Marco bit his lip thoughtfully. "Wow...I don't believe this. I mean, Dixie, of all people..."

"Yeah," Chet agreed. Stoker nodded his assent as well.

Hank nodded grimly. He knew exactly what they meant. Dixie McCall was one of the absolute strongest women he knew...to think that she'd try to end her life like this was...well, it was unbelievable. 'I guess it just goes to show that no one is immune to the negativity of this world...still, you'd think that she'd have given some sign that she was about to take such drastic action.' Emergency workers were, according to a study he'd recently seen, more likely to attempt suicide than the average person (and it wasn't really hard to follow the logic of that, with all the tragedy they saw in the line of duty)...but still... He forced himself to continue. "Officially, the story at Rampart is that she's reacted badly to a medication she took...some people still believe that's what really happened." Understandably, there was bound to be a major dissent in opinion with any suspected suicide, but especially so when the victim was someone as tough as Dixie. "I'm not sure what to think."

"Yeah, I know," Marco agreed. "She's one tough lady. It's hard to think that she could..." He let the sentence trail, knowing they understood.

"Listen, you guys..." Hank began, trying to decide what was the best way for him to phrase this, "just go easy on Gage for awhile, okay? He's pretty upset about this, and he's convinced that it was some kind of accident. It might have been; I don't know, it just seems a little too designed to be accidental to me..." He sighed. "Just go easy on him."

"Of course we will, Cap," Stoker said. Under normal circumstances, Chet and Marco would have made a big deal over this being one of the engineer's longer sentences, but the circumstances were far from normal. The two firemen nodded their agreement to this as well. Really, the request didn't have to be made. While they may have been forever harassing each other, the members of 51's A-shift were bound as tightly as any family. They didn't always show it, but they were incredibly supportive of each other--at least when the times got tough. The endless teasing and merciless pranks were only their way of showing how much they cared, as odd as that sounded. Emotional expression wasn't rarely one of their strong points...they had no idea how to tell each other how they really felt without getting all "mushy". So they played tricks on each other instead...or ran each other into the ground whenever they got the chance. But, hey, love was love, in whatever form it came. And the brotherly love between these men could not have been stronger. Even if they didn't always realize it.

******************

Meanwhile, in the dorm, Roy and Johnny were talking. It wasn't much of a conversation at first. Roy was in the midst of a standard speech about how Dixie was going to be all right when Johnny finally stopped sulking and spun about to face his partner--quite a feat, considering that he was still sitting on the bed.

"Dammit, Roy! How can you do this to Dixie?"

"Do what to Dixie?" Roy asked, honestly confused.

"Lose faith in her!" Johnny insisted. "You think she did this on purpose! You think she was tryin' to kill herself!" He was as angry as Roy was confused. In reality, his anger was at his own sense of helplessness and at the situation in general, he was just taking it out on Roy at the moment.

"I haven't lost faith in Dixie," Roy countered. "Do you see me giving up on her? I'm just sayin', it looks too coincidental to have been an accident! She had a bad day the day before. She was sick; she was alone."

"Exactly!" Johnny pointed out. "She was sick and alone! She could've made a mistake!"

"I'm not denying anything!" Johnny protested. "It's you. Just because the facts are a little strange doesn't mean you can just think she wanted to die! Don't you care about her?"

"I don't think she wanted to die," Roy said softly. "I just think that she maybe didn't know how to handle things anymore. Maybe she was depressed. A lot of nurses suffer from clinical depression. Maybe she was just one of those people who can hide it. I know what you're gonna say. 'Dixie's too tough for that; she can handle anything.' I won't deny that at all. She is the toughest lady I know. But she isn't superhuman. She can't handle everything. Don't put her on a pedestal so high you can't reach her."

"Well, why didn't she try it earlier then?" Johnny asked critically. "Why wait?"

"She's always so busy, maybe she never had time to stop and think about it before. I don't know, Junior. I really don't know why. Suicide never makes any sense to anyone. And I can't help but wonder if we didn't miss a red flag somehow. Maybe she was showing the warning signs the whole time and we missed 'em somehow." Roy started out continuing to speak softly, but his voice started to rise as he went on. "For all I know, she was crying out to us for help and we never even noticed! So don't go preaching to me about not caring! Because, if she dies, I will never know! I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I might have been able to help her somehow. And I'll never forgive myself if it turns out she was practically begging for our help, for someone to stop her from doing it, and we were too wrapped up in our own petty problems to see. So back the hell off of me! Because I do care about Dixie! Don't you ever think for a minute I don't!" His own sense of guilt was tearing at him, and had finally sparked into anger. And as he had explained himself, his reasons, the flame had been further kindled.

Johnny's expression softened, and he relaxed his stance a bit. "I'm...I'm sorry, Roy. It's just that..."

"Yeah," Roy finished for him, understanding. "I know. I'm sorry too, Johnny. It's tough, and I don't think either one of us is going to change our minds about this. So why don't we not fight about it? 'Cause I don't know about you, but I really could use a friend about now, not an enemy."

"Yeah," Johnny agreed. "We need each other now. 'Sides...Dixie's not gonna get any better just 'cause we're fighting over why she's sick. And she needs us."

"Now more than ever," Roy agreed. He started to walk back toward the dayroom. "I'm gonna head back out there, the other guys are probably wondering what's taking so long..."

"Yeah." Johnny stood up, and followed his partner. "I'm comin' too..."

Roy turned to his partner with a gentle, affectionate smile, their anger at each other all but forgotten. And it hadn't been at each other, really, more at the situation than anything. "Um...Johnny?"

"Yeah?"

"You might want to change your shirt first." Roy gestured toward Johnny's still-damp shirt.

Johnny laughed softly, and grinned in a sheepish way. "Um...yeah, maybe I should. I'll be there in a minute then."

Roy shook his head slowly, and walked out of the dorm. "We'll be there."

******************

"Why, Kelly Brackett, do you ever stop brooding?"

At the amused, and familiar, female voice, Brackett looked up from his desk...where he had been sitting, holding his head in his hands. He'd been scheduled to work that day, but Joe had informed him in no uncertain terms that he should take the day off. It was probably a good idea, Brackett reasoned later, he wasn't exactly at his best. He hadn't slept all night, and he did want to be free to go up to see Dixie if she should (heaven forbid) take a turn for the worse. Still, he didn't go home--which had probably been Joe's original intention. Kel might not have been working, but he didn't want to leave the hospital. He didn't want to leave Dixie. Now, an old friend had come to pay a visit. She couldn't have picked a worse time. On the other hand, she also couldn't have picked a better one.

"Hello, Millie," he greeted her, gesturing for the woman to sit down.

Millie Eastman flashed a grin, and pulled a chair up to the side of Brackett's desk, her amusement abruptly changing to concern. "Kel, are you all right? Really, you don't look good."

"No," he sighed, not really thinking about what it was he was saying. "No, I'm not all right. All around me, the world is going to hell, and I'm simply getting dragged along for the ride."

Millie's brow deepened in concern. Sure, he had a tendency to brood about things, but this was a bit out of character for even him. Dixie usually snapped him out of these moods...hey, where was she at, anyhow? "Come on, Kel, you're really starting to worry me." She allowed for a short pause. "Where's Dixie? She can usually drag you out of these blue funks of yours..."

The pained look on Kel's face at the mention of Dixie's name told Millie everything she needed to know. "Oh, no...God, Kel...what happened to her?"

The doctor bit his lip thoughtfully, carefully considering his next words. He knew what supposedly had happened, what Joe thought had happened...and he knew what his heart believed. What should he tell Millie? "I suppose it would depend on who you asked."

"What are you talking about?"

"Joe thinks it was a suicide attempt," Kel explained, "and so do a few of the other people that we had to tell the 'real' story to, apparently."

"You don't think it was?" Millie asked.

"Nope." Brackett shook his head. "I don't know how to explain that there was 3200 milligrams of Motrin in her bloodstream. Really, Millie, I don't. But Dixie McCall is not a suicidal woman! I don't care what anyone says, my Dixie would never do that."

'Your Dixie,' Millie thought. 'She always was yours, Kel, even back when you two first met and couldn't stand each other. I'm not saying that all those catfights were acts of love, not even I could take a thing that far. It was a dysfunctional relationship, that's what it was, but you two sure put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'. You didn't get along because you had no clue how to handle each other...too much alike for your own good. She's as stubborn as you, and you don't like it. I know you, Kel...and I know her. You tried romance, and you couldn't make it work...fine. But you're nuts about her...you always have been. You might not be together with her, but, dammit, stop denying how you feel!' He was denying it, she knew, mainly to himself. Anytime the thought came up in his mind, he dismissed it as being whimsical speculation, a simple flight of fancy. 'So up and buy a ticket on the plane already. It won't hurt you or her to know how you really feel.'

"Millie?" Brackett's voice brought her back to the here and now.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." she replied. "What were you saying?"

"I asked you if you think she did it."

Millie gave the matter some thought. "Off the bat, Kel, no. I've been there, and I remember what it was like. I can't see Dixie facing that sort of desperation, she's too vital to the equation here. And she has a lot of friends if there is a problem in her life. And she was fighting so hard to give me a reason to live. I bless her every day for it. My gut instinct is to say that it was an accident...I can't see her trying to kill herself. She's one hell of a woman, tough as they come, it's just so unlike her. I can't accept it blindly."

"My thoughts exactly," Brackett agreed. "Maybe if I had more than just some strange lab results to go on, but I don't. We don't!"

Millie patted his hand. "Take it from a woman who's been there, Kel. It's not exactly a decision one makes lightly. I know I sure gave it a lot of thought, too much thought, in my case. If she really was trying to commit suicide, she had probably been considering it for a few days at least. Did you notice anything different about her then?"

"No, and that's just it. I didn't notice any change in her behavior, or anything that might have been a red flag. If she'd actually swallowed those pills in front of me, I wonder if I'd believe it." He shook his head, frustrated, and ran a hand over the back of his neck.

"You're not exactly speaking from an objective position, you know." Millie looked at him fondly. "None of us is, really. Emotions can really play hell with your judgment--you know that as well as I do. I can see Joe's point. He sees the figures looking back at him, in black-and-white, he trusts the science. I know him, he probably ran the original test again later, just to be sure."

"He did," Kel acknowledged.

"And when the second test still showed overdose levels, he was only further convinced. I mean, you have to admit that if you saw results like that on a total stranger, you'd have reached the 'suicide' conclusion."

He had to admit that she had a point. "Yeah, but I know Dixie wouldn't..."

"Exactly. You know Dixie. You care about her--a lot more than I think you even know. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I think she overdosed on purpose. I don't think she did. I don't know how she accidentally did it, but I figure she can tell us that when she wakes up. Joe's probably thinking of her job pressures, too. Let me assure you, that could drive someone to the edge quicker than boredom if they let it. Most of the time, it's like water off a duck's back to Dix, though. She's not the type to let it bother her. I'm not saying you should start thinking that she was honestly trying to end her life. It's fine for you and Joe to disagree on this. With any luck, Dixie will be able to straighten it out later. Just don't let it get in the way of your friendship. I know you don't intend to let it, but it still happens to people who don't intend it to. You two have a very good relationship, don't let it fall apart. Just a little advice. Do what you will with it, I'm going to go see how Dixie's doing. You know where she is?"

"ICU," Brackett replied. "I think the room's 202...I didn't really pay attention. The nurse on duty would be able to tell you."

Millie nodded. "Okay, thanks. I'll see you later." She patted his shoulder supportively. "Hang in there."

He laughed softly, but there was no humor in it. "I'll try."

As Millie left, Kel picked up the new issue of JAMA that had been sitting on his desk for several days. He hadn't had the time to read it. He started flipping idly through the articles, looking for something that would catch his eye. He found it, all right. On page 42 was an article entitled "Nurses and Suicide--The Threat is Real!" The timing was rather awful, with Millie just having left and Dixie's condition being what it was. The article warned doctors of the increasing suicide rate among nurses, especially those working in emergency departments. (Naturally. It would have to get more personal.) There were also several warning signs of impending suicide listed. Out of nothing more than a morbid curiosity, he began to read them.

Unwillingly, his mind drifted back to about a week before, when Dixie had given Kate a necklace of hers as a birthday gift. While the necklace had held only sentimental value to Dixie (its sentimentality being the reason she gave it to Kate--they'd become quite close friends), Kel couldn't help but recall his slight surprise at the time. He'd thought that Dixie would never part with that necklace. 'Oh, well,' he thought. 'It's just a coincidence...means nothing.' He read on.

'Oh, no...not the Carlington boy...' Kel told himself silently. Little Nicky Carlington had been brought into the emergency room three days prior, the victim of a hit-and-run. He was only seven years old...Dixie had been so sure he was going to make it. When he hadn't, she had been crushed. Kel had found her later in one of the lounges, in tears, second-guessing herself, and beating herself up over a thousand things she might have done differently. It was the only time he'd ever heard her question her self-worth...he could still recall the haunted look in her blue eyes as she'd spoken to him.

He'd assured her she wasn't as awful as she was making herself out to be - not by far. And at the time, he'd thought her talk about wanting it all to end was simply referring to the fact that she wanted people to stop dying so needlessly...especially children. But now, he was beginning to wonder, just in the slightest, what, precisely, she wanted to end. He also couldn't help but recall her words to him just as they ended their conversation that day.

At the time, he'd thought she was tired of stress, of seeing death every day--of all the downsides of their jobs. But had she been talking about life in general? Was that what she was so tired of? Would he ever know for certain?

Well, he couldn't really count that one, they worked in an emergency room. Facing death had always been a part of the job, much as they tried to change that.

Hadn't she told him yesterday morning that he could go, that she'd be fine on her own?

Slower reactions, difficulty making seemingly minor decisions while having no problems with major ones.

He had noticed that, but once she'd come down with the cold, he'd simply attributed it to the fact that she'd been getting sick. Now he was starting to wonder.

He remembered her from the day before this had all started. He had heard Kate and Charlene talking about the whole "who's in charge of this mess" incident. They were laughing about it at the time, as would anyone. It had been kind of funny. There had seemed to be no motive behind it for Dixie but her absolute frustration...but it was a bit out of character for her. In retrospect, was it simple frustration or something more?

He had barely missed hitting Joe, who had just walked in. As it were, the magazine knocked one of the sailing paintings to the floor as it began its final descent. The white-haired doctor sighed in sympathy, he knew how upset Kel was about Dixie. Kel's frustration was probably reaching its breaking point, he had to react somehow or he was going to go crazy.

Joe walked over to pick up the medical journal, and stopped, glancing at the article it was flipped open to. 'Nurses and Suicide...' he thought. 'That's why Kel's so distraught, he's finally starting to accept the truth about Dixie's condition and it's tearing him apart.' He set the magazine down on a chair, and crossed over to his friend. "Kel, I know you're upset about Dixie..."

"You're damn right I'm upset about Dixie!" Brackett snapped. "That magazine has been lying on my desk three days! Three days! If I'd looked at it earlier, maybe I'd have seen the signs! Maybe I could have stopped her from trying to do what she did! But I couldn't be bothered to take 5 minutes, could I? If she dies, it's practically my fault! She was all but begging for help, and I just let her! She wanted someone to stop her from doing this, and I let her go ahead and do it, because I didn't have the time to read a stupid article! She didn't want to die Joe! She just wanted all those terrible feelings to go away! And coming to me for help sure as hell didn't work, so she tried to kill herself! What the hell kind of friend am I to her, anyway?"

Joe sighed, and put a hand on Kel's shoulder. "Kel...I know this must hurt..."

"Go ahead!" the younger man exclaimed. "Go ahead and say 'I told you so'! Lord knows I deserve it!"

"That wasn't what I was going to say," Joe replied. "You've started to accept what happened, but Dixie wouldn't want you to be beating yourself up over this. I know how you feel. I thought about it myself. Simple things that didn't seem to mean anything at the time, hindsight is always best. And a lot of suicides are unexpected. Truth is, Kel, you saved her life. If you hadn't been there with her, if you hadn't been able to give her CPR on the spot or call for paramedics, she'd have been found dead in her apartment the next morning. I know that sounds awfully harsh...but it's the truth."

"The truth hurts," Brackett muttered, sighing heavily.

******************

Johnny was in Dixie's hospital room, idly "chatting" with her. Dixie wasn't much for conversation at the time, but she was a pretty good listener. The young paramedic sighed. Roy had already been there, he'd left a few minutes earlier, leaving Johnny alone to talk to Dixie.

"It's like...I don't know, Dix. Like everything's going crazy all of a sudden. I'm starting to feel almost like it's you and me against the world. I mean, I know you didn't try to kill yourself, but no one else seems to believe it. How's it so hard to believe, that you could make a mistake or something 'cause you were sick? I just don't get it, ya know?" He patted her hand in a friendly manner. "Ah, but enough about that. You probably wanna know what's goin' on...you've been missing a lot of stuff around here, Dix. All the more reason for you to come back to us, huh? Hmmm...let's see, where do I start...?"

Roy stood in the doorway, just watching him--feeling for both of his friends more than anyone could ever have known. Poor Johnny just wanted things to be back to normal. He wanted things to go back to the way they had been before. Roy wanted the same thing, too--everyone did--but Johnny was always so passionate about things. Of them all, Johnny was the most optimistic and obsessive. Everyone had given up on trying to convince him of the suicide theory, the only way he was going to buy that was if Dixie were the one to tell him herself. Oh, but if only she could tell them what had happened!

At Dixie's bedside, Johnny continued, unaware of his partner's presence. "Brackett...well, he's kinda stressed, but don't you worry about it. You just worry about getting outta here, okay?" He thought for a moment. "Lemme see, what else? Well, Chet felt pretty bad about the whole water bomb thing, even though he didn't know that it was a bad time. I gotta admit, even the Phantom has his ethics. He finished hanging the hose for me the next shift when we got called out on a run, trying to make up for it I guess. He still won't admit that it was him, though, but I guess I wouldn't have either. It's funny that way, don't ever tell him I said this, but I kinda like the guy. Chet, I mean. The Phantom I could do without. For the record, the prank war's still on, he wanted to call it off for awhile, but I told him not to. I want things to get back to normal, you know? I hope you don't mind. I just think it's best that way." He paused, as though waiting for her reply. None was forthcoming though, so he went on. "Everyone's pulling for ya, you know. All the guys at the station. Everytime we get back there, all the guys wanna know how you're doing. I wish we could tell 'em something else, ya know? I mean, the same thing over and over gets old. But then I suppose that no change is better than a bad change." He glanced around at the drab walls and dim lighting. "To tell you the truth, this isn't exactly something I'd be thrilled to wake up to either. I mean, not that I haven't enough times, but you know what I mean. Not if I had the choice. Why don't I take you away from all this? We could go down to the garden or something. The flowers started blooming again this weekend. They're beautiful, Dixie, I know you'd love 'em." He picked up her hand, and glanced at the IV in her arm. "On second thought, maybe we'd better not go. You and your friend there seem rather attached." He chuckled softly at his own joke.

Back in the doorway, Roy shook his head softly. This was tearing his heart out, both to see Dixie in such bad shape and to see Johnny so torn up over it. He may have looked calm from outward appearances...but Roy knew Johnny better than that. He knew that by now, Johnny was just trying to deal with everything now by trying to go back to normal. It wasn't working too well, but then again, Roy rather seriously doubted than anything would.

Joe Early came up beside him. "Hi, Roy."

Roy forced a smile. "Hi, Doc." He glanced into the room in front of them. "I'm really worried about Johnny. He's not handling things well at all."

"What do you mean?"

Roy half shrugged. "Like now. He's just...talking to her. Carrying on a conversation, like everything's normal. I mean, if that's the way he wants to handle it, I'm not gonna stand in his way, but he just doesn't accept what's happened. He wants everything to go back to normal. And I do too--God knows I do--but, Johnny, he just..."

Joe put a comforting hand on Roy's shoulder. "Give him some time, Roy. He'll come around."

"I don't know..." Roy mused. "This is really killing him."

Joe nodded softly, his expression growing grim. "He's not the only one. I'm worried about Kel; he has accepted what's happened and it's killing him too. He still blames himself for not noticing the signs, for not stopping Dixie from doing what she did. I don't know, Roy...if, heaven forbid, Dixie doesn't make it...I think Kel might just follow her to the grave. I don't honestly think he'd actively kill himself, but self-neglect is something else entirely. He's withdrawing from everyone. He's even taken the past two days off, voluntarily...and you know how devoted to his work he is. What time he doesn't spend with Dixie is spent back at his place, sulking. I don't think he's sleeping, and I know he's not eating much--if at all..."

Roy nodded, understanding. "Yeah, I've noticed that. Johnny's the same way, almost. He eats enough to keep his strength up for the job, but off-duty, I don't know if he eats at all. He's put so much upon Dixie, and when she fell apart, he did too. I hate watching it happen; I wish there were something I could do."

Early was thoughtful for a moment. "I think the only thing we really can do for them is to be there to pick up the pieces when the dam breaks. It will happen--it's just a matter of time. No one can go on like that forever." He just hoped it would happen before either Johnny or Kel could spiral too far downward. One you hit rock bottom, there was nowhere left to go, and Joe had no desire to see his friends fall that far.

"Do you think Dixie's gonna pull through this?" Roy asked after a moment. "I mean, it's been a week, but..."

"I don't know, Roy," Joe sighed. "It hinges on a lot of things. Her body took quite a hit. With the overdose hitting her at the same time as her cold, her body didn't know what to react to first. Her kidneys suffered from the OD the worst. Right now, she's holding her own, but that could always change at any time. If her kidneys start to fail again, she'll probably slip away from us fairly quickly. But if they don't--and I hope to God they don't--she could come around fairly soon. It just depends." He allowed for a long pause, debating with himself over whether or not he wanted to tell Roy of his main concern. "Right now, the drugs are out of her system, her body just has to recover from the damage they've caused. What I really worry about is brain damage."

"Damage?" Roy asked, a bit fearfully. Dixie was such a fiercely independent woman...how would she cope with such a thing?

Joe nodded. "She was in full arrest for several minutes, Roy. There's no doubt that the CPR saved her life, but she was also getting a lessened flow of oxygen to the brain, even with it. I've run several different neurological tests on her. I don't know if she'll be damaged or not. We won't know until she wakes up. If she is, I don't think it will be extensive. But it would be a handicap, and you know how independent she is."

"That alone would kill her," Roy sighed.

"Not necessarily," Joe countered. "She could learn to live with it. She'd have to. Many people with handicaps, mental or not, lead fully productive lives."

"Yeah, but this is Dixie we're talking about. To not be able to be 100% of what she is..."

"Exactly," Joe lamented. "But we'll only cross that bridge when and if we come to it. I don't even know if it'll be an issue. But it's something we do have to be prepared for, just in case."

"Yeah, Doc," Roy agreed. "I understand." He sighed, and caught Johnny's attention. "Hey, Johnny...we'd better be getting back to the station."

Johnny looked up, surprised at first, and then nodded. "Yeah, all right. Gimme a sec." He squeezed Dixie's hand. "Hang in there, Dix. I'll see ya later, all right?"

She gave no obvious answer, but Johnny seemed to take her silence as an answer in itself. "See ya, Dixie." He walked over to join his partner and friend, nodding to Dr. Early. "Hiya, Doc."

Joe smiled gently. "Hi, Johnny."

"I guess we'll, uh, see you later, huh?" Johnny asked the doctor.

"Sure, Johnny."

Johnny nodded, and casting one final glance over his shoulder at the sleeping woman in the bed, turned to leave. "C'mon, Pally...let's get outta here."

******************

Kel Brackett sat alone in his darkened apartment, nursing a glass of scotch. He'd pulled away from everyone in recent days. He needed to be alone. He couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the guilt he felt at not being able to prevent Dixie's suicide attempt, couldn't take the sympathy he saw in the eyes of everyone who looked in his direction. He took another sip from the glass, wincing as the alcohol burned in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Dixie," he whispered, gazing down at the picture from her apartment, the framed one of them in the park. "Oh, God, Dix, I'm so sorry! I wish I'd known. I wish I'd paid more attention. I wish I'd been able to help you."

He wanted to be with her, but he hated seeing her in such a condition. He hated seeing her in such a weakened state that a machine had to do her breathing for her! Dixie McCall was anything but weak. He hated seeing her like that, knowing that he had ignored her cries for help. Dixie's pleas had fallen on deaf ears, and he felt that he was mainly to blame. If he'd read the article earlier, maybe he'd have seen the signs. Maybe he'd have noticed that Dixie was displaying some of those signs. Maybe he'd have been able to stop her from overdosing on some medication in an attempt to rid herself of the terrible emotional turmoil she had found herself struggling with.

Kel used a finger to gently trace the outline of her face in the picture, cherishing the smile that lit up her face...the sparkle in her eyes. Now they weren't even sure if she'd live. How could life be so cruel?

Memories floated back to him as he sat there, reminiscing about times past...about Dixie, the way she always was. So alive, so vibrant, so feisty, yet so charming. So full of spunk...so...so Dixie.

She always kept them on their toes, that was for sure. She didn't let them get away with anything. It was something of an inside joke that Dixie was really the one running Rampart's ER. He wondered just how far from the truth that really was. Forget what he'd said when she'd broken her ankle. Dixie was indispensable to them. Speaking of that day...he'd truly learned that nurses did make terrible patients.

Okay, so he and Joe had probably been enjoying themselves a little too much. But it had been funny--who'd have ever guessed that Dixie would have broken her ankle kicking a shopping cart? Besides, it was a way to handle stress in the ER. You couldn't harass a typical patient, so why not take the opportunity if it was one of your own? Provided the situation wasn't too serious, it was always fun to tease them...emergency work redefined the concept of an odd working relationship. Well, Dixie had gotten her revenge when he'd been stung by that catfish...talk about enjoying oneself. If he closed his eyes, he could still see her smirking as she recited the vital signs with an preciseness Florence Nightingale would have been proud of.

Kel couldn't take it anymore. He needed more than memories. He needed more than a photo to clutch. He needed to feel the essence of her, to be surrounded by the very evidence of her life, the way she lived it, the very way she was. He was going to head back to the hospital eventually, but he needed strength first. He felt awful for letting her down like this, not being there with her every moment he could. But he couldn't handle that. It tore at his soul to see such a strong woman like that. He dropped by at least once a day, though, he'd never have abandoned Dixie entirely. It seemed the least he could do, especially after all she'd suffered. All she'd suffered because he hadn't taken enough time from his busy schedule to read a stupid journal article...one that might very well have saved Dixie's life.

Swallowing the last of the scotch, Kel rose from his couch and crossed to the phone to call a cab. He was going to Dixie's apartment. He needed something more of her to hold onto than a photograph from days they'd probably never have recaptured anyway.

******************

There had been days, even after their romantic relationship had ended, that he would come to her apartment looking for comfort after a rough day at the hospital. Those days seemed forever ago, neither of them was quite sure why that had ever stopped. Had he been looking for closure? Something to prove to himself that they weren't involved any longer? It just seemed that one day he'd stopped coming.

Maybe that was appropriate somehow. The relationship ending had pretty much been his fault. He'd never been able to bring himself to say the three words she had needed to hear the most. He'd found enough interesting ways of dodging it, but he'd never said the words. He'd always assumed she'd just known, and that was enough. Well, it hadn't been. He didn't understand women and had never pretended to. And Dixie had made sure he didn't have any delusions that he ever would.

Some things weren't meant to be. But some things were. Into which category did his romance with Dixie fall, though? He wasn't sure he'd ever really been sure. Maybe that had been their problem. Maybe that was why he had never been able to tell her "I love you." He'd been too afraid of getting hurt if it wasn't going to last. Of course, he hadn't exactly been tactful about not saying it, either.

He winced at the memory. It had been just over five years ago, in this very living room. It had also been one of his lamer moments. He still remembered the frustration, yet slight hurt, in her eyes as she'd reached around, feeling his (dry) shirt, and looked at him.

Yeah, "hopeless" was a word he'd definitely use to describe himself about now. 'God, I need a drink.' Sighing, he headed into her kitchen, hoping to find something that would help him dull the pain he was feeling. The pain in his heart. He wanted to get so drunk that he wouldn't even remember who Dixie was, but he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't let Dixie down that way. He'd already let her down enough.

Kel slowly walked into Dixie's kitchen, stopping short as he saw the prescription bottle lying on its side on her counter. A few of the tablets were scattered on the floor, having been dropped. He closed his eyes, wondering what must've been going through Dixie's head as she had stood in that same spot the week before. As she'd opened the bottle, and...wait a minute. Kel picked up the bottle, and looked at it. This was definitely the prescription she'd gotten after breaking her ankle--and the dosage per tablet was 800 mg. With 3200 milligrams of the drug in her bloodstream, simple math told him that Dixie would only have taken four of the tablets. Had she simply known that it would be enough to kill her? Or had she honestly made a mistake?

On the space on the shelf beside where the bottle would have been was a bottle of aspirin. The two bottles were of a similar size and shape. Upon closer examination, the tablets were even of a similar size, except that the aspirin was only a 200 mg dosage. They were very close together...very similar...800 milligrams of aspirin was a common enough dosage, especially with as awful as Dixie had been feeling. Suddenly, the pieces all began to fall together. He'd been right at first. Johnny had been right all along. Dixie hadn't been trying to kill herself, she'd simply been going for the aspirin and had grabbed the wrong bottle. With as sick as she had been when he'd first seen her, it didn't seem such an unlikely mistake to make.

Three or four. But she'd only thought it was aspirin. It had all been a accident after all.

Kel nearly laughed out loud with the relief of it. A week of guilt and self-recrimination was erased in mere moments. Clutching the bottle, he sank to the floor, momentarily overcome with the complete and utter relief that he hadn't missed the signs, and Dixie hadn't been miserable. In that same moment, a thought occurred to him.

Feeling much more hopeful than he had since Dixie's collapse, Kel stood up and crossed to her phone. He picked up the handset, intending to call a cab. Dixie's apartment wasn't very far from the hospital, though, he decided at the last minute to just walk.

******************

Back at Rampart, Johnny and Roy were picking up some supplies before their next run when Kel Brackett came hurrying in, nearly bursting through the ER doors. Johnny looked at his partner in alarm, seeing that the doctor seemed to be in a rush--and knowing full well that Brackett had taken to being alone lately. What was going on that would cause him to hurry back to the hospital this way? Unless...no. No, it couldn't be.

"Roy..." Johnny began, a bit fearfully. "What if Dixie...if she..." He couldn't bring himself to say the word.

Roy shook his head. "No. They'd have told us."

"But if they thought we weren't here..." Johnny continued, fearing the worst. "What if they were gonna tell us later? At the station or something? What if..."

Roy tried to imagine the ER without Dixie. His heart twisted when he realized he couldn't do it. He was about to give Johnny some assurances when Brackett reached them. He put a hand on Johnny's shoulder, breaking into a wide grin. "You knew it! My God, Johnny, you knew all along! You never gave up hoping, and you were right!"

Johnny was so wrapped up at first in his worries that the man's words didn't register with him. "Oh, God...what're we gonna do without her? She's so...wait a second. What'd you say?"

Brackett laughed. "Johnny, you were right about Dixie all along. It was all a mistake. Just a stupid mistake."

Johnny stared at him for a moment, his face registering a mixture of shock, joy, and amazement. "I thought you..."

"I did," Brackett replied. "But I was just over at Dixie's apartment...it all makes perfect sense now. She grabbed the wrong bottle!" Without another parting word, he hurried off in search of Joe Early. Roy and Johnny exchanged a surprised glance, and followed him.

******************

Brackett sat at Dixie's bedside again, just talking. He'd been doing a lot of that these past three days, since they'd discovered that Dixie's overdose had been an accident after all. He wished she'd wake up and join the conversation. Every day she remained unconscious worried them more. It made the possibility that Dixie might be permanently damaged somehow seem that much more likely.

He'd run into Johnny coming down the hall. The paramedic was in somewhat better spirits...he was able to smile now that the accident theory had proven to be the correct one. It wasn't his full, lopsided, dazzling grin--that probably wouldn't come until Dixie was awake--but it was an improvement.

Kel took Dixie's hand, wrapping his fingers around hers. He smiled warmly. "Hiya, Dix." He glanced around the room. A small beam of sunlight streamed in through the window, brightening things up a bit. The room didn't seem quite as drab anymore...maybe it was because they had a more positive outlook now.

Kel finally spoke again a moment later. "I hear Johnny's doing better now that we know what really happened. I mean, I haven't seen him much since then, but I was talking to Roy...at least things are starting to look a little better. You should really wake up and see for yourself, you know. Poor Carol's pulling her hair out downstairs trying to keep everything running smoothly. I don't know how you do it...but you've got a gift for it that's for sure. I mean, that ER always seems like it's on the verge of coming apart at the seams, but you've always given it a sort of sanity. And, besides, without you there, who would there be to keep me human, huh? You can't forget about that." He gave her hand another squeeze before rubbing a hand across his face. He was starting to nod off...of course, that was probably because he hadn't had much sleep in the past week and a half.

That was when he noticed it. Dixie's eyes were open, and she was watching him...calmly, still a bit groggy (and understandably so)...but she was awake. At first, Kel thought he must have been dreaming. He leaned forward, calling her name, trying to convince himself that that this was real.

"Dix? Dixie?"

She reacted with something of an amused tolerance, unable to speak because of the tube down her throat. But it was enough to convince Kel that it wasn't just his imagination. He broke into a wide grin and patted her shoulder.

"I'll be right back, okay, Dix? I'm just gonna go get Joe." His excitement was obvious.

As the doctor turned to leave the room, a nurse was just coming in. They nearly collided. Caught up in his near giddiness (and he couldn't believe he was reacting this way), he grabbed her in a quick hug, then hurried from the room without another word of explanation.

Ashley Freeman paused for a moment, a bit surprised, but then she just shrugged it off. Wasn't the strangest thing that had ever happened to her in her career - or even that month, for that matter. Around this place, it sometimes seemed that the abnormal was normal and the unexpected was to be expected.

******************

Dixie closed her eyes for a moment, relieved as the melting ice chips soothed her raw throat. Joe had recently taken her off the ventilator, so she was actually able to carry on a conversation now. Almost all of the other medical equipment was gone now as well, the IV was the only thing remaining.

"Thanks," she whispered to Kel, as he gave her a little more of the ice. "I needed that."

He just smiled at her. "Sure." After a quick glance around to make sure they were alone, he continued. I'm just glad you're going to be all right. You really scared the hell outta me for awhile there."

She managed a sheepish grin. "Sorry."

Kel took her hand, leaning forward. "Dixie, I've had a lot of time to think this past week or so, and I've realized something. Something I should have realized a long time ago. You should never put off saying 'til tomorrow what can be said today. I mean...tomorrow's never a guarantee. And, then...if tomorrow doesn't come, you'll never have told somebody something that really needs to be said. I've made that mistake far too long now, and I'm going to fix it." He took a deep breath, and went on. "Dixie, I--"

He was cut off by Joe Early's entrance. "Hey, you two..." He trailed off, a bit confused, as he saw that Dixie looked frustrated and Kel seemed distinctly annoyed. What was going on? "Don't tell me you two have started fighting again already," he offered, trying to lighten the suddenly awkward moment.

Dixie laughed softly. "No, we thought we'd give it at least another 24 hours." She smiled. "So, when do I get out of here?"

Joe smiled. He'd known she was going to ask that. "We're going to keep you here a while longer, just for observation, to make sure you don't have any lasting side effects or complications. It shouldn't be any more than a couple of days." He figured she'd react better to that than if he simply told her it would be another two to three days. Doctors may have been terrible patients, but nurses didn't do too badly in that department either.

Dixie sighed heavily. She wasn't happy with it, but she knew she didn't have a choice in the matter. She felt fine (well, except for the fact that her throat was sore), but she also knew that her being able to go home tomorrow wasn't a realistic hope. She knew how close she had come to dying. She just hated being cooped up in the hospital. As a professional, she was in her element in a hospital. The patient in her, however, hated hospitals. She always felt like a caged lion, wanting to be somewhere, doing something. She couldn't help it. She was just an "action" type of person. Never truly happy unless she was busy.

Kel laughed, seeing the nurse's resigned frustration. "It's okay, Dix. You'll survive. Next time, just read the label on the bottle before you take something." He gave her a grin designed to be evil.

She shot him a glare. "Don't push your luck, Kel."

He held up his hands him mock surrender. "Sorry."

Joe sighed, inwardly debating with himself. Finally, he spoke. "Dix? Kel?" They both looked at him.

"Yeah, Joe?" Kel asked. Dixie nodded for him to continue.

"I just wanted to tell you both that I'm sorry..."

Dixie cut him off. "Joe, don't. With those results, almost anyone would have come to the same conclusion. I don't blame you for that. I'd have probably thought the same thing myself if I'd been in your position."

"I think anyone would have," Kel added. "I mean, the only thing that made this one any different from some random stranger that would have come through those ER doors is that it wasn't just some random stranger." He smiled affectionately at Dixie, putting a hand on her arm.

"Still..." Joe began, "I feel like I've..."

"Don't," Dixie repeated. The look on her face made it obvious that she would have no further discussion of the matter. 

Joe sighed, conceding defeat. There was no arguing with Dixie sometimes, at least not if one were employing their better judgment. "All right, okay." He smiled, sensing it would be best to move on to another subject. "Well, I have some good news for you. I've seen the results of the tests I just had run, and I'm confident you're going to make a full recovery. Another couple of weeks, and you'll be good as new."

"Couple of weeks?" Dixie challenged.

"Well, to recover totally," Joe explained. "You'll be able to go back to work before then as long as you take it easy for awhile."

Dixie laughed. "You're damn right I'll be going back to work before then. I'll go crazy just sitting at home!"

"Well," Kel started, "we never said we expected you to stay at home for two weeks. You know, take a week or so, then come back--"

He was cut off mid-sentence. "A week?" Dixie tucked a stray lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm being released Friday, right? I'll take the weekend off and see you Monday."

"You can't be serious!" Kel protested. "You've been through a lot more than I think you realize!"

She sighed. "Kel, I feel fine. I'll be stuck here another three days or so. I'll have Saturday and Sunday off, and I'll be all right. I'll take a lighter workload at first if it makes you feel any better."

"Why do you always have to be so stubborn?" he asked, exasperated. "This is your health we're talking about, Dixie. It's not exactly something to take lightly."

"I'm not taking it lightly!" she protested. "But I'm not about to sit around my apartment feeling fine, doing nothing, when I could be working!"

'So much for 24 hours', Joe thought, amused, as he slipped out of the room, leaving his two friends to argue the point.

Kel was just about to reply to Dixie when he heard himself being paged. He sighed, and stood up. "We'll discuss this later, all right? I'll be back when I can."

Her enigmatic grin didn't do much to assure the doctor that he'd win this one. "You'd better be back." A thought occurred to her, just as he was turning to leave. "Hey, wait a minute. What was it you were going to say to me, before Joe walked in?"

"Yeah, that kind of ruined the moment." Kel chuckled softly. "I'll tell you when I come back. I promise." With those words, he was gone.

Dixie shook her head softly and sighed, muttering the word that had been, since the dawn of time, the one word able to summarize the frustration women generally felt regarding the opposite sex. "Men!"

******************

Dixie perked up as she heard footsteps coming down the hall, and Johnny Gage's voice. She had been awake since that morning, it was afternoon now, and she'd been hoping she would get the chance to see him that day.

Johnny and Roy hadn't been informed of the change in Dixie's condition yet. They'd been out on different runs almost all day, and no one had gotten the chance to tell them. Johnny strolled into the room, glanced over at the bed, and did a double-take when he saw that the nurse was awake.

"Dix?!" he asked, his voice holding a wary, but excited, hope.

Dixie smiled at him. "Hi, Johnny."

"Dixie...wow, I can't...I mean, I see...you're awake!" Johnny sputtered, his excitement getting the better of him. He was doing a fair impersonation of Tigger now, unable to stand still for the world. He bounced from one spot to the next, unsure quite what to do with himself. "Hey--hang on, Dix, I'll be right back."

She shrugged, still wearing a soft grin. "I'm not going anywhere."

The paramedic nodded, and dashed from the room. He'd known Roy was planning to follow him up momentarily, and he wanted to be able to give his partner the news. Upon finding Roy, Johnny grabbed him, nearly jumping into the other man's arms.

Roy held up his hands in mock defense. "Whoa, Junior...if you don't watch out, you're gonna kill yourself! Or me. What is it?" Secretly, he was glad to see Johnny's spirits so lifted, though. It had been a trying time lately for them all.

"Dixie!" Johnny exclaimed. "She's awake!"

"Really?" Roy asked, breaking into a smile. "That's great!"

"Yeah!" Johnny turned to head back into the room. Roy followed him.

******************

Millie Eastman strolled into Dixie's hospital room the next day, smiling softly. "You know, Dix, when I said that one day it would be you lying in that bed, I didn't mean for you to take me seriously." Her attempt at lightening the moment seemed to fall flat, so she continued. "How're you feeling?"

Dixie looked back from where she was gazing out the window at the hustle and bustle outside. "How am I feeling? Pretty stupid."

Millie frowned, and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Oh, come on, Dixie. You were sick. It was an honest mistake."

"Yeah, but I'm a nurse. I should have known better."

Millie blew air between her lips, shaking her head dismissively. "You were sick. I'll admit, you should probably have looked at the label first, but it wasn't exactly the first thing on your mind. You wouldn't have switched those drugs up otherwise, and I know it. Everyone knows it. So quit being so hard on yourself."

"Oh, Millie," Dixie sighed. "It's just so...embarrassing, is all. And worrisome."

"You can't be thinking that you're losing your touch. Because you're not, Dixie...don't even think that for a moment."

"No, it's not that," Dixie replied. She was pensive for a moment, then finally met her mentor's eyes. "Millie, did you think I was trying to kill myself?"

Millie loosely took one of Dixie's hands in one of hers. "Dix...oh, honey, not at first, no. You were the absolute last person on earth I'd have ever suspected of suicide. I remember how hard you fought for me, and I'm grateful for it every day of my life. I didn't want to believe it, even when I saw the test results, and talked to people. But it's like that psychology class syndrome, Dix. After a time, you start seeing things that aren't there. Insignificant coincidences suddenly develop double meanings. And with that, in light of the facts, it became harder and harder to deny..."

Dixie nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought." She suddenly became fascinated with a loose thread on the blanket...trying to do everything, anything, but look at the other woman.

Millie placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Ah, I see. You're worried about what everyone else thinks, huh?"

"No, I'm not," Dixie answered, a bit too defensively.

"Sure you are. You think that they'll think you're suicidal. That you're not in control of your situation. You think that your career might be in jeopardy." Millie paused, allowing her words to sink in. "Don't worry about it, okay? Very few people ever heard the suicide theory. And those who did know now that it really was just an accident. Nobody's concerned about your mental stability, Dixie."

Dixie's eyes blazed with a sudden anger--not at Millie, but rather the situation she'd found herself in. If I'm so 'mentally stable', then how come I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist?"

Millie shrugged. "Because Dr. Medure's still running pysch, and he's a nut. And it's not about your so-called suicide attempt, if it makes you feel any better. Good 'ol Pete Medure is simply worried about how you're handling the stress of your near-death experience. He does this a lot. I always told him he'd been spending too much time around the mixed nuts up there...never helped. So deal with it. Smile and make nice with the shrink and get on with your life. It's not long-term. And who knows? You might learn something about yourself. And maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe you'll get Dr. Murphy."

Dixie actually allowed herself a faint smile at that. "Jansen Murphy is a nut."

"Well, yeah...but he's a friendly nut." Millie glanced around conspiratorially. "To tell you the truth, kid, I think all psychiatrists are a bit nuts. And if you're still fixated on that suicide thing, they're actually listed number one on the 'Suicide as an Occupational Hazard' list. I guess it comes from working with crazy people all day. Well...crazy people and frustrated nurses, I guess."

Dixie laughed softly. "Okay, Millie, you've made your point." She smiled. "I'll be nice to the doctor."

"Good girl." Millie was thoughtful for a moment. "God...I'm so glad just to be having this conversation with you, Dix. I was really scared for what might have happened if we hadn't discovered what really happened. Kel was a wreck..."

Dixie's brow furrowed in concern. "What was he like?"

Millie shook her head. "Don't worry about it. It's in the past."

"Millie!"

"Oh, God..." Dixie whispered.

"Don't worry about it," Millie hastily assured her. "He's fine now. He was ten times better just knowing that you hadn't been trying to kill yourself."

"But he went through all that...because of me..." Dixie looked back up. She seemed a bit haunted--but was trying to hide it. "What about Johnny?" She had heard that he had taken her illness pretty badly...she wanted details. She knew he had never bought into the suicide explanation, but she didn't know much else.

"Dix, I don't know..."

"Save the semantics, Millie, and just tell me!"

"He wasn't handling things well, okay? It was like it was his mission in life to prove that it was an accident. He was...obsessed with it. It was very sweet, but he couldn't keep it up long-term." Millie was loathe to give Dixie this information, but she couldn't lie to her friend. And she knew Dixie wasn't going to let this go.

"Oh, my..." Dixie whispered. "How could I have put them through that? What kind of friend am I to them, anyway? It was such a stupid, preventable mistake, and I put them through hell because of it."

"Dixie, you wouldn't have done that willingly, and you know it. I know it. Everyone knows it, and no one blames you. No one would even think to blame you. So don't try to blame yourself, all right?"

Dixie bit her lip, struggling with her emotions, and trying to maintain an even control. "I know, but...God, Millie..." She'd been through a lot, and her emotional dam was finally starting to crack ever-so-slightly. Millie knew how much control meant to Dixie. She had to have control; she had to be unshakable. But she knew that Dixie wasn't a robot, either. She was a human being, a woman. She had emotions and dealing with them wasn't always such a terrible thing.

As Dixie looked away, biting her lip a bit harder, Millie reached out to her. "Oh...you've been through so much...it's okay..." She gently pulled Dixie toward her. Dixie offered no resistance, for once wanting to be comforted and feeling no shame in admitting that. Millie wrapped her arms around her, feeling the oddest sense of deja vu as the younger woman began to sob, finally granting herself the emotional release she needed.

******************

Monday morning, things at the station were starting to settle down a bit. The guys were ribbing Chet about his latest cooking attempt.

"What is this?!" Johnny protested, taking a bite of the concoction. It was unidentifiable by sight...and apparently by taste as well.

"Breakfast!" Chet insisted, a bit indignant.

"That's being kind," Stoker teased. He couldn't resist.

Marco grinned at Chet. "Hey, he said three words!"

Stoker rolled his eyes. He didn't really mind their making a big deal over his speaking, but he had to indulge them. A lot of great men in history weren't big talkers, he reminded himself. Besides, if he talked as much as Johnny or Chet did, they'd never have a moment of peace around the station.

Even Roy couldn't help grimacing as he tasted the food. "Er...Chet, what's in this sauce here?"

Chet shrugged. "Well, you remember that health food sauce I made awhile back...?"

"Yeah?"

"That health food nut friend of mine loved it! He had extra when he made it, though, so he gave me some."

The other men groaned.

"I thought we made him get rid of that stuff!" Johnny exclaimed.

Chet shrugged sheepishly and began to look for an exit.

Fortunately, he was saved by the arrival of a visitor to the station. "Hi, guys."

"Dixie!" Roy exclaimed, seeing her first. "Hey, what're you doing here?"

The nurse shrugged. "Thought I'd stop by on my way to work. How's it going?"

Momentarily, the firemen had gotten up and crowded around her. Johnny lagged behind for a moment, then offered Dixie a grin before mysteriously slipping away into the locker room.

Hank smiled warmly at Dixie. "It's good to see you back on your feet again."

Dixie chuckled softly. "Thanks. It's good to be back. I was about to go stir crazy from not doing anything."

"So that's why you're heading back to work so soon?" Roy asked.

"Yeah." Dixie shrugged. "Kel's not thrilled with the idea, but he's dealing with it. I couldn't take another day of inactivity, though." She smiled down at Henry, who was gazing up at her with soulful eyes. "Oh...are you feeling left out, Henry?" She reached down to pat him, then realized that Johnny was nowhere in sight. "Hey, where's Johnny?"

Chet looked around. "I don't know..."

"I think I saw him head into the locker room," Marco offered, trying to be helpful.

Dixie nodded slowly. She remembered Millie telling her how worried the young paramedic had been. She was a bit concerned for him. She nodded to the others. "I'll be right back."

Dixie found Johnny sitting alone in the locker room.

"Well, Johnny," she teased. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to avoid me."

"I didn't want to crowd you," he managed lamely.

She waved a hand in a dismissive fashion. "Oh, come on. Five guys out there were practically smothering me. One more wouldn't have made much of a difference. Now what's wrong?"

Chocolate eyes met sapphire as Johnny finally looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Dix...it's just..." He sighed. "I was really worried about you...and, now, it seemed like..." He trailed off, frustrated by his inability to express what he was feeling in words. Sometimes there just weren't any.

Dixie understood. She sat down next to him, nodding slowly. "I heard." She placed her hand on top of one of his. "Millie told me about it."

Johnny looked up at her, surprised. "She did?"

"Well, I made her tell me," Dixie admitted, smiling in an almost shy way. "You never gave up hoping, did you?"

"Well...I..." Johnny stammered, not sure quite what to say. He wondered just how much she knew about his bedside vigil.

Dixie squeezed his hand a bit and leaned forward. She kissed Johnny's cheek. "Thanks for sticking by me."

Johnny smiled that lopsided grin of his. This time, finding words wasn't a problem. "I always will." He reached out to hug her. Dixie gave him one of her most dazzling smiles and hugged him.

The relationship between these two was a very special one. It would never had been romantic...rather, it was like that of a brother and his beloved older sister. Johnny figured that with as much as Dixie had done for him over the years, the least he could've done was return the favor. Yet, at the time, he'd never thought of it that way. It was simply what he'd felt he had to do. Not only for Dixie, but also for himself.

Dixie pulled out of the embrace and stood up. "I'd better get to work now. I'll see you later, all right?"

Johnny nodded. "Count on it." He watched as she turned to leave, then thought of something. "Hey, Dix?"

The nurse stopped, and looked back. "Yeah?"

"Take care of yourself, all right?"

"Sure," she promised. "You take care of yourself too." She couldn't entirely hide a smile, and Johnny was quick to notice.

"You say that like I'm accident prone or somethin'."

"Well..." Dixie allowed, "you do have a bit of a, um...history..." She had tried to find a more tactful way to put it, and failed.

"I'm not accident prone!" he protested. "I'm not! I just get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time sometimes!"

"Sure, Johnny," Dixie said. She patted his shoulder affectionately and left.

"I'm not accident prone," Johnny repeated, speaking to no one in particular. More than anything, he was trying to convince himself of it, and he had almost succeeded until he remembered the incident with that monkey virus. And the time he'd gotten hit by that car. And all those other times he'd been injured. He shrugged, still muttering to himself as he headed back out into the dayroom. "It's not my fault. I never ask for this stuff to happen to me..."

******************

Kel looked up from his paper work as Dixie walked into his office and smiled. It had been another busy day in the emergency room of Rampart General, but neither of them had honestly expected that it would be any different. "Hi, Dix."

"Hi." Dixie laughed softly and sat down on the couch in his office. "Well, I survived. I told you I could handle it."

He laughed as well and got up from the desk to join her. "I never doubted you would. I just worry, is all."

She looked down. "Well, I guess I gave you good enough reason for that..."

"Yeah, you sure did." He slipped an arm around her shoulder. "But don't worry about it, okay? It was an accident. It's in the past. I'm just glad you're all right. Hey, how are you and Jansen getting along?"

Dixie reached her hand up to place it on his arm, smiling softly. "Well enough, I suppose. If you ask me, though, he's enjoying the whole situation a little too much for his own good." Something occurred to her. "Hey, Kel, you never did get the chance to tell me whatever it was you were going to tell me that day." She turned to face him. "There's nothing stopping you now."

"No, I suppose there's not," Kel agreed. He took her hand, and looked deep into her eyes. "I've discovered recently that love is a very confusing thing. You can never tell where it's going to go. I suppose I was always afraid of falling in love and skinning my knees. I was so worried that it wasn't going to work out between us that I wouldn't let myself realize just how much in love with you I really was. I didn't want to let you get too close, and I ended up pushing you away. And I'm sorry for that, I really am. I don't want to just say 'I love you' and have us jump back into a relationship. We'll have to take it slowly at first. It's been too long, and I know we've both got our own demons to deal with. But if we've got even a ghost of a chance of being together, I want to take it. I'm not sure I ever stopped loving you. I just started denying it."

Dixie's eyes were misting with tears, but they were tears of happiness. "Oh, Kel...you don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that. I love you too. Heaven help me, I do."

He squeezed the hand he was holding. "I waited too long."

"No," she whispered, her voice wavering with emotion. "Not too long."

They leaned forward to kiss and were inches away from each other's lips when the phone rang. Dixie sighed in frustration, as Kel rolled his eyes.

"I swear," he muttered, getting up to answer the phone, "the universe is conspiring against us."

After handling the person on the other end of the phone line, plus a few other things that came up shortly thereafter, the mood was pretty much broken. With a rueful chuckle, Kel shrugged and looked at Dixie. "We'll have to pick this up later."

Dixie smiled. "I'll hold you to that." She closed her eyes for a moment, her hand going to her forehead. "I've got a headache, do you have any aspirin?"

Kel didn't say anything. He merely raised an eyebrow, teasing her. After a moment, he did speak. "Aspirin, Dix?"

At first, she shot him a disgusted glare, but then appeared as though she was going to let it go. With a sly look on her face, she slunk over to him, closing the distance between them. She leaned close to him, and whispered into his ear. "Shut up, Kel." With that, Dixie pulled away, and left, a triumphant expression on her face.

Kel shook his head, laughing softly as he went to sit back down behind his desk. It was certainly good to see things getting back to normal around here.