Maggie May

One was typically not uneasy at their best friend's wedding. Maybe a bit anxious, sure...undoubtedly a bit concerned that something would go wrong. But, for the most part, one didn't worry that their friend was making the absolute biggest mistake of his life.

The thought occurred to Joe Early as he stood watching the ceremony unfold before his eyes. Even when the minister spoke those fateful words, he didn't say anything, just stood there and smiled.

"If anyone can think of a reason these two should not be joined in holy matrimony..."

I can give you a few, Joe thought grimly, but he didn't say anything. He wanted to step forward, to grab Kel by the shoulders and ask him if he really knew what he was doing, what he was getting himself into. He wanted his friend to see that he had mistaken the friendship of the woman standing before him for love, but he didn't say anything.

Kel's happier than he's been in years, Joe reasoned with himself. Who am I to stand in his way? She's been good to him...and she really does care about him...they could learn to love each other, even if they don't right now. They think they do...but they've convinced themselves they have...it's not really love. They don't have that "light" in their eyes when they look at each other. Affection, sure...definitely caring and concern...but not love. Besides, it isn't all about looks. I can tell...but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm just too worried that he's getting in over his head. He was so vulnerable when she came along...he needed someone who could give him a guiding hand...and he found a lover. Maybe I'm just being too much of a mother hen here. I care about him too much to let him make a huge mistake...but she IS a sweet girl. And she HAS been wonderful for him...

He spent a good portion of the wedding fighting this inward battle, but he didn't say a word.

Several months later, he would wish he had.

************

Dixie McCall stuck her head into Room 127 of the emergency department of Rampart General Hospital. "Hey, Kel--got a good case for you. You're gonna love this one."

Kel Brackett looked up from his desk, shaking his head softly. He thought he'd just gotten a break. "Sure, Dix. What's up?"

Dixie chuckled, obviously amused. "We've got a Jane Doe in three, and she wants a doctor. But here's the thing--she wants you. Won't take anyone else. You ready for the best part?"

"I'm afraid to ask," Brackett replied after an uneasy moment.

"She's using your first name."

Brackett sighed, getting up. "I don't know about some of these people sometimes...what's wrong with her?"

"That's what you're paid to find out, Doctor," Dixie teased, shoving a chart in his direction. "Actually...we don't know. She was found out wandering around...a man brought her in a few minutes ago. You might want to call psych in later--she seemed pretty spaced out, and I don't think it's from drugs."

"All right, Dix, thanks." With that, he headed out of his office and over to treatment room 3. He opened the door, stepped inside...and was practically slapped in the face by a ghost from his past. A ghost he'd thought long gone from his life.

She was sitting forlornly on the treatment table, her shapely legs pulled up against her chest. Disheveled auburn curls tumbled over her shoulders and stuck out in all directions. Emerald eyes were focused intently on a patch of floor tiling.

For the first time in his medical career, Brackett was nervous about taking a case. He stepped out of the room for a moment, just before she turned to look at him. He knew it wasn't professional...but right then, he simply couldn't handle the memories her very presence was churning up.

Joe Early saw him, and came over. "Kel? What's wrong? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"I think I have," Brackett said softly.

"What are you talking about?" Joe asked. "Who's in that room?"

Kel regarded his friend for a long, hard moment, before finally sighing in something resembling defeat. "My ex-wife, that's who. My damn ex-wife."

************

Joe stared at him in shock. "Maggie? Maggie's here? Here?"

"Yep," Brackett sighed, "and Lord only knows how she'll try to ruin my life this time."

"I thought she was still at Peach Hill!" Joe said.

Brackett just looked at him. "So did I."

"Are you sure it's her?" Early asked. "I mean, maybe it just looked like her..."

"Trust me, it's her." Brackett ran a hand through his dark hair. "I just don't get it. Forget Peach Hill for a moment. It's obvious she's not there. What's she doing here?"

"In your ER?" Joe finished for him. "I don't know, Kel. Dix told me someone had picked her up..."

"There are a lot more hospitals in LA than Rampart."

Joe smiled at him. "Yeah, that's true. Tell you what. We could make a pretty convincing argument that you're too close to this case. In fact, I happen to think you are. So I'll handle it. I know she wants you, but I'll talk to her, okay?"

"Okay," Kel agreed. "Thanks, Joe."

"Anytime."

************

Joe stepped into the treatment room, carefully eyeing the woman in front of him. He knew how unpredictable she could be sometimes. He knew she wanted to see Kel, but Kel wasn't exactly up to seeing her at the moment. He had a lot of bad memories from their brief marriage, and he needed time to handle them first.

"Maggie."

She turned, and raised a thin eyebrow. "Joe. What are you doing here?" 

The white-haired doctor smiled at her, trying to be as relaxed as possible. "Kel isn't available at the moment...and you needed a doctor. Thought I'd volunteer."

 "That's lovely of you," she muttered, then smiled cheerily. It was fake, but at least she was smiling. He worried when Maggie stopped smiling. "I'm sorry, Joe. It's just that...I'm at Rampart. I want to see Kel. But you're not a bad trade. Just promise me I'll see him soon. It's been so long..."

 It HAS been a long time, Joe thought. Too long for her...not long enough for Kel, I'm afraid. But I can understand his logic. It was SUCH a bitter divorce, and Kel was hurt pretty badly... He smiled at Maggie again. "I can't make any promises for him. But I'll try to get him to see you."

She shrugged. "I guess. Who was that little blonde in here earlier? I don't think I trust her."

Joe frowned. "Who, Dixie McCall? She's our head nurse..."

Maggie's emerald eyes suddenly flashed, and grew stormy. "Dixie? That was her? What did Kel ever see in that trashy blonde?! That little bitch! She thinks she can steal my husband?! Well, she's wrong! She can't! Kel's mine! He was vulnerable! He missed me, and she took advantage of that! Of him! He needed someone--he needed ME!--and she presumed to take MY place?! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!" As her rant ended, she crossed her arms and sat there, still seething.

Joe took a step backwards, taken aback by both her words and her anger. He had to remind himself that Maggie was not exactly what one would call a reasonable woman. She'd spent the past seven years as an inpatient at Peach Hill Psychiatric Hospital. Delusional and obsessive, it seemed she thought that she and Kel were still married. This could turn into something of a problem. And how did she know about Kel's relationship with Dixie? As far as she was concerned, her husband was cheating on her but the other woman was to blame. That was far from the actual case, but the actual case didn't matter to Maggie, only her version of reality was important. He was going to have to try to keep Dixie a safe distance away from this particular patient until Kel could explain the situation. It wouldn't be too easy, but he'd find a way. Heck, Kel was probably trying to find a way at that very moment.

************

Maggie put on her most angelic expression. "Now would I do a thing like that?" With a small, soft laugh, she went back over to the bar and sat down next to the man. "Hello."

He has such lovely eyes... Maggie thought. She thought about his question, and decided that she was legitimately interested in his problems. "Yes. Yes, Kel, I do care."

************

That day seemed forever ago, as Kel thought back on it. He'd lost a patient that day...a little girl. Her name had been Chelsey Beckner. He'd been so sure she was going to make it, if she had gotten to the hospital even five minutes sooner, she might have done just that. He'd slunk over to Greg's lounge to sulk for a little while...and to grieve for Chelsey in his own way. And he'd met Maggie. She'd been able to help him see that there was truly a brighter side to life, even in the darkest hours. They'd gone to an all-night coffee shop and talked until the wee hours of the morning. He'd been captivated by her charm and her beauty. He'd asked her out. She'd said yes. And that was the beginning of it all. They'd gotten caught up in a whirlwind romance and married in August of '67.

It had been simple then, Kel thought as the lines from the song came to mind. Given the chance to do it over? He didn't think he'd have let things go as far with Maggie as they had. But...he'd needed her, that night. At that moment in time, Kel had needed a friend who could put that spark of meaning back into life...something even Joe--despite all his kind words--hadn't been able to do. Would he, given the chance to retrace those steps in his life, have let it go beyond that moment? Doubtful. It would have saved them both a lot of pain in the long run. Had Maggie simply been meant to come into his life for a few hours, then fade back into the background? Had he played with fate in asking her out? He might never know. All he knew was that this was the here and the now. Maggie was here, in his ER. And he had to figure out just what on earth he was supposed to do with her. She wouldn't listen to reason. This was going to be very...interesting. To put it mildly.

The doctor glanced up at the knock on his office door. "Yeah, come in."

Joe opened the door, and walked into the office. He looked around, then finally chose to sit in the empty chair closest to the desk. He offered a smile. "How are you, Kel?"

Brackett's lip twitched slightly, as he almost smiled, then seemed to think better of it. "Maybe I should be asking you that. I made you deal with Maggie."

"I volunteered," Joe reminded him. "I don't blame you for not wanting to see her. If you'll recall, the marriage didn't exactly end on the best of terms."

"I haven't forgotten," Kel answered wryly, idly rubbing a spot on his right arm. "I never thought I'd see her again."

"I didn't think you would, either." Joe's expression became thoughtful. "Seven years at Peach Hill, and she winds up in this ER. It doesn't make sense."

"How doesn't it?" Kel asked. "I mean, other than the obvious."

"It doesn't make sense, given that Peach Hill's in Long Beach. I'm assuming she escaped somehow--she's quite crafty, and I wouldn't put it past her. If she escaped, that would mean that she would have had to have made it from Long Beach to LA...Rampart, on her own."

Kel didn't quite see his friend's point. "So it's about 20 miles from here. But Dixie said someone picked her up. It's a 15, maybe 20 minute drive if traffic's good."

"That's what makes no sense," Joe pointed out. "I doubt she made it from Long Beach to LA alone. Assuming she was picked up in Long Beach...wouldn't they have taken her to a hospital there? But they brought her here." 

"Maybe she asked them to," Kel suggested.

Joe smiled. Kel had inadvertently just gotten the point. "Exactly. She asked them to. She came to Rampart...because she knew you were here. She wanted to see you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Her husband."

"Ex-husband," Kel reminded him.

"Not to Maggie," Joe told his friend. The doctor ran a hand through his white hair. "We both know she's delusional. Well, part of that delusional is that you're still married to her. She thinks you're her husband, still...and, uh...well...you were cheating on her with Dixie."

"Maggie never met Dixie!" Kel exclaimed. "How'd she know about...oh, never mind. Just forget I said anything. I don't want to know. This is insane."

"Maggie's insane," Joe sighed.

"She was fine at first," Kel said, shaking his head softly.

Joe chuckled. "Maybe I should have listened to Millie from the start."

"What do you mean?"

"I never told you?" The look on Kel's face made it obvious he hadn't. "Oh. Well...come to think of it, there was probably a good reason I didn't tell you then." 

"And that was...?"

 "You wouldn't have liked what I had to say. Millie thought Maggie was trouble from the beginning. Originally, I thought it was just that mother hen instinct of hers..."

"Yeah...I think I heard her mention something about it once...I'll admit I wasn't paying much attention. We both should have known better than to discount Millie's instincts."

"Would've saved us a lot of trouble in the long run..."

"You're telling me." Kel shook his head. "I don't know how I'm going to explain her to Dixie. But I suppose I'll have to figure out something. Unless you wanted to."

Joe held up his hands in mock defense. "No way. You're on your own with this one, buddy. I still say you should've told Dix you'd been married before from the outset."

"Maybe I should have, but I can't change the past," Kel replied. "I guess I'm just going to have to--"

He was interrupted by a page for him. 'Dr. Brackett to Treatment 1...'

"Sounds like they're playing my song." Kel grinned, heading for the door. "We can pick this back up later."

"Sure, Kel." Joe followed him out, and headed into the lounge, his thoughts drifting back to the beginning of this whole mess.

************

************

In retrospect, Joe wondered if that hadn't been about the worst advice he'd ever given Kel. Maggie was sweet, and initially she seemed to have been a good partner, giving Kel some of the emotional balance and support he'd always needed, but the trouble that had followed hadn't been worth it. As he walked back to the base station, Joe couldn't help but think that Dixie had done Kel a lot more good...but Kel, to this day, would only let her get so close...because he was scarred from his relationship with Maggie. They'd had a decent marriage for several months, but then things deteriorated rapidly. No one knew quite what had happened, but without explanation Maggie began to unravel. Perhaps she'd been unstable from the start, or something horrible had happened that Maggie had never revealed, but it had triggered an avalanche of psychological problems that had culminated with her voluntary admission to Peach Hill. All Joe could know was the pain and suffering that woman had inflicted on his best friend. He tried not to hold it against her--she didn't know what she was doing--but his natural defensiveness was coming into play. He knew she wanted to see Kel, but he didn't want to give her the chance to hurt Kel again. He didn't want Kel to have to relive those memories. He didn't--want to have to deal with the woman who had just walked up the base station.

She wasn't happy.

"Hi, Dix," Joe offered warily, not sure how to handle this situation.

"What do you know about this woman?" Dixie demanded.

Joe didn't want to lie, but he wasn't sure how much of the truth Dixie knew. "I knew her years ago, now she's a patient at a mental hospital in Long Beach."

"Peach Hill?" Dixie guessed.

"Yeah."

"Well, that explains her ranting..." Dixie mused, "but what's all this about me stealing her husband? I walked in there and she all but had my head!"

"You can't reason with her, Dixie, she's delusional," Joe sighed. "I think it'd be best if you stayed as far away from her as possible."

"Why?" Dixie asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I don't want you to get hurt. She's already proven that she's got something against you, as unreasonable as it may be...and she's delusional. She's capable of getting violent. I want you to be careful, Dix...I've dealt with her before." 

Dixie nodded slowly, understanding his reasons if not the situation. "I'll be careful, Joe...but I've got to do my job."

"Somehow I knew you'd say that." Joe bit his lip for a moment. "Don't be around her unless you have to, all right? And when you do...watch her. Don't turn your back on her for a second."

Dixie nodded again. "All right...I'll watch her. Is it people in general or just me? She seemed pretty calm before..."

"With that woman, you never know," Joe sighed. He watched as Dixie scooped up several files and headed towards the Admitting desk, and hoped Kel would have the good sense to explain this situation to Dixie, and soon.

************

Later, Dixie realized that, while Joe seemed to know their Jane Doe, he hadn't offered a name. The lady in question wouldn't do anything but glare at Dixie any more, occasionally call her a few choice names...and a name would have really helped. Dixie was about to go ask Joe about it when she recalled that the woman was a patient at Peach Hill. Somehow, given the lady's condition, a release didn't look very plausible. An escape? The way Joe talked about her, it seemed likely...calling Peach Hill would probably be a good idea. Dixie got the number, and dialed.

Dixie smiled. "Hi, this is Dixie McCall, at Rampart Emergency. We've got a woman here I've been told is or was a patient of yours. We're fairly certain that she's AWOL. Did you have any recent releases or escapes?" 

Dixie grabbed a pen while Pam looked up some information.

Dixie raised an eyebrow. "Any of these patients female?"

"Exactly." Dixie shifted position a little more, so she'd be able to write. "A redhead...about 5'7"...green eyes...?"

"Sounds like you've got our girl, Ms. McCall," Pam replied. "Are you going to keep her for awhile or did you want someone to pick her up?"

"I suspect Psych will want to evaluate her here before transferring her," Dixie answered. "We'll need her name and the contact information of her physician. I'll forward that information to our head psychiatrist for consultation."

Dixie's jaw dropped. "Could you repeat that last part?"

"You're kidding," Dixie whispered, a little too softly for anyone else to hear. She couldn't help the next question. "Any relation to a Dr. Kelly Brackett?"

 "I'm sorry, I wouldn't know. I could look..."

"No, thank you, that's all right. It's not important...thanks."

 "Anytime."

As she hung up, Dixie stared ahead in shock. The name wasn't that common. The fact that the lady had at first asked for Kel by name probably wasn't significant. It might have been his sister...she really shouldn't have let that detail of "Mrs." bother her. She might have heard wrong.

She was going to talk to Kel. Right away.

************

Kel stepped into the treatment room, cautiously. He knew he had to do this. He just wasn't sure what to expect. What she'd do, what he'd do...and the memories were coming back to him, full-force. But this had to be done. He couldn't avoid her forever.

Maggie looked up from the table, pure joy filling her eyes as she saw Brackett enter. "Kel! Oh, I've missed you so much!" She leapt up, and threw herself into his arms, putting her head on his chest. "It's been so long."

"Yeah, it has, Maggie," Kel replied, warily patting her shoulder soothingly. He wasn't heartless...even with all she'd done to him, he couldn't blame her totally. And he still felt a spark of emotion for her that he didn't know what to do with.

"I've never let you go again, never," Maggie vowed, her eyes meeting his. "And don't worry about that blonde trash. I know you missed me. I know you needed a woman. You needed me, and she took advantage of that. It wasn't your fault."

There was only one blonde Kel thought it likely that Maggie was referring to. "Dixie?"

"Yes, her." Maggie smiled lovingly. "But don't you worry about it, babe, all right? We're together again. And she won't be a problem anymore, okay? I love you." She closed her eyes for a moment, just long enough to miss Dixie's entrance.

Dixie's eyebrows raised, surprised by the intimate moment she seemed to have interrupted. Then she saw the wedding ring on Maggie's hand, and her eyes flashed, becoming sapphire flames. His wife. His wife! He'd had an affair with her for about a year before they called it off and he'd been married the whole time?! Suddenly, she could understand Maggie's hatred. She could sympathize with it. Dixie fought to control the struggling emotions within her...pain, fear, betrayal, anger...everything a woman could possibly feel when she finds out she's helped a man cheat on his wife. She shot a glare in Kel's direction, signaling him that she wanted--no, demanded--to talk to him.

Kel gently eased Maggie away. "Maggie...I've got to talk to her for just a minute."

Maggie glared at Dixie. "You won't take him from me again."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Dixie answered icily, in turn glaring at Kel.

"I'll just be a minute," Kel told Maggie, and followed Dixie out of the room. She grabbed his arm, pulled him into the nearest treatment room, and stood in front of the door, her arms crossed.

"What's this about?" Kel asked, concerned by her sudden change of attitude.

"I think you know," Dixie said...and the temperature in the room seemed to drop another ten degrees. "Neither one of us is leaving this room until you tell me what's going on. Everything. I want the whole story." Suddenly, her careful control over her emotions slipped, and her eyes misted over. "I can't believe I--you--we--did this. Kel...I...I thought so much better of you, I really did." A tear slipped down her cheek, and she impatiently brushed it away.

"I don't see why it matters," Kel replied carefully, not totally sure that their relationship was what she was talking about...but pretty sure it was. Still, she was confusing him. He'd figured out that she must know by now that Maggie was his ex-wife, but he didn't know why she was reacting this way.

"Don't see why it matters?!" Dixie shouted. "Come on, Kel! You can't be that cruel! Just because she's in a mental hospital doesn't make her any less of what she is! Why the hell didn't you tell me?!"

"Would it have mattered?" Kel asked. "Would you have changed your mind when I asked you out?"

"Of course I would have! I really don't believe you." The tears were streaming down her cheeks now, and she fought her hardest to regain control of them. "Did you ever even stop to think about how she might have felt?"

"It never crossed my mind, honestly," Kel replied. "And I don't see why it concerns you either."

"You don't see why?" Dixie all but shrieked.

"No, frankly, I don't," Kel answered hotly, growing irritated. "Why do you care what my ex-wife thinks about it?"

"Why do I--" Suddenly Dixie trailed off, as something registered with her. "Ex-wife? Your ex-wife?"

"Of course she is. We've been divorced since '68."

Despite herself, Dixie laughed...wiping away her tears. "Oh, Kel, I'm sorry. I just...I thought that you two were still married...and...I'm sorry."

Kel laughed himself. "It's okay...you're right in a way. I should have told you about Maggie from the start. Leaving out the fact that I'd been married before was a pretty big something to leave out."

"I'll say," Dixie smiled, her eyes softening. She crossed over to him, placing a hand on his arm, and repeated her question from before, but much more gently this time. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to think about it," Kel admitted. "I preferred to pretend it had never happened. Everything was okay until Maggie started changing...then it turned into a rocky marriage and a nasty divorce. I don't know if she went crazy at some point, or if she'd been hiding it all along...but Jansen Murphy would have a field day with her. She's delusional...obsessive..."

"Violent?" Dixie asked.

"On occasion," Kel replied, trying not to wince. 

"What did she do to you?" Dixie asked.

Kel waved a hand dismissively. "It's nothing, really..."

Dixie figured this probably wouldn't be the best time to pressure him about it, so she let the matter drop for the moment. "I'm sorry about..."

"Don't be," Kel told her, smiling. "If I had been cheating on my wife, I wouldn't have expected any less from you. I know I should have told you sooner...it just wasn't something I really wanted to dwell on." An idea came to him. "How about we discuss this whole thing over dinner?"

"Dinner?" Dixie asked, an eyebrow raised. "As in a date?"

"As in I feel I owe you an explanation, at least." Kel shrugged. "C'mon, what's the harm? I'm paying."

Dixie pretended to give the matter great thought. "Well...okay."

"Eight o'clock all right with you?"

"Very all right. I'll see you then."

"I'll pick you up." Kel regarded her fondly for a moment, then turned away before he could get too reminiscent of the past they'd shared...because thinking of that past could only leave him open to think of another, more painful one. He and Maggie had shared more than a house and a bed; they'd loved each other, at least in the beginning...then she'd turned on him, even if it wasn't her fault. That betrayal had left him afraid of commitment and his fear of commitment had, in the end, brought about his breakup with Dixie. It was a vicious circle of events...and now it seemed to be coming around again.

Could he afford to let it?

************

 Bombay Cafe

"Is that why you pulled away? Because of her?"

"I don't….yes…I guess…It was such a nasty, messy divorce. And then you came along. I kept thinking to myself, ‘if only I'd waited for you, things would have been so different.' I thought that I could bury my past. I never told you because I just wanted to pretend it had never happened. But she was there all along--between us. I couldn't get past what had happened before. But it was never you Dix, it was me, you were wonderful…perfect…I just couldn't figure out how to get past it."

She waited, "So you…"

"So I bolted…like a five-star coward. I wanted…it wasn't what I wanted…"

She took a sip of her wine. "What did you want?"

He stared into the remains of his dinner, idly pushing the remnants around the plate with his fork. Well, there it is. She's just offered you a perfect opportunity to tell her how you feel--how you still feel. So, do you run again or-- "You, I wanted you. I still want you," he blurted. God what was he saying. "I should have been with you. I should have married you and not Maggie," he finished lamely, not daring to raise his eyes from the plate.

Silence. There was complete silence from across the table. Ten seconds, fifteen…and nothing. Slowly he raised his eyes to look at her. Her cobalt eyes were unreadable. "Dix, say something, please…anything …Dix?"

The only sound was a sigh, long and weary and sad. She dropped her eyes to the table. Shit! What have you done now Kel, you've managed to ruin the best friendship you've ever had.

"I've missed you so much."

"Missed me?"

"Yes, damn you. I've missed you…I loved you, Kel. I…" she stopped, looking across the table at him, riveting him with her gaze. He couldn't move; he was pinned, motionless, in his chair by her eyes. Time slowed to a crawl. Another sigh. Her grip tightened around the napkin clutched in her hand. "I still love you."

The alto "What?!" that burst from his lips surprised him. I haven't sounded like that since junior high…you haven't felt like this since junior high either, Kel.

"God help me, I still love you."

"You do?"

She nodded in affirmation.

"Does…sheesh you sound like a girl…does that mean that you'd be willing to give me…another chance?"

"Are you asking for one?"

"Yes...yes…I love you," the words tumbled out, "I always did; I just never admitted it," he extended his hand across the table to her, palm up, "Give me--us--another chance."

After a long moment, her hand settled into his, her fingers gripping his with a strength surprising for such a small woman. "Take me home."

The tug on his arm woke him.

"Kel, let me up."

"No, don't leave," he mumbled into her hair, half-awake. He tightened his arm around her, pulling her against his chest.

"Bathroom. I'm only going to the bathroom. I'll be right back," she said, twisting her shoulders so that she could look back into his gray eyes.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He reluctantly released her, then hung over the side of the bed to watch her walk from the room. Damn, there's a view. As she disappeared through the bedroom doorway, he flopped onto his back, reflecting on the evening's events that had lead them to this juncture. This morning we were friends, good friends, best friends even--and now...

How ironic that Maggie, who had nearly wrecked his life, had unwittingly been the catalyst for a second chance with Dixie. The relationship with Dixie that Maggie had only imagined this morning--no, yesterday morning--existed today. What a difference a day made. This time, he vowed, would be different. He wasn't going to let anything mess things up, not his own stupidity, not the gossipmongers at Rampart, not Maggie, not--

He was jostled from his reverie by her slender form sliding under the covers. Missed the return engagement, Sport. Pay closer attention. As she curled against him, her head pillowed on his right shoulder, a bare leg made its way across his hips.

"You're back." He bussed a kiss into her hair.

"I promised."

"I missed you."

"I thought that was my line," he could feel her smile against his shoulder.

"I borrowed it. Hope you don't mind. You can have it back now."

"Thanks." She was silent for a moment. "Are you sleepy?" she inquired, tracing abstract patterns on his chest with her fingernail.

"Not really." Not any more. 

"Anything you want to talk about?"

Talk? Now? Those wonderful diagrams she was drawing were directing blood flow south--caudally, some part of his brain scrambled to insert the correct anatomical term--at an alarming rate. There wasn't enough oxygen going to his brain to sustain a brief conversation, let alone the 'where-do-we-go-from-here' topic he knew she was alluding to.

"Kel, what are you smiling about?"

"Nothing...nothing…really. Just thinking about directional blood flow."

"Directional blood flow? Now?" Her finger stopped moving as she leaned up on her elbow to glare down at him, "you're thinking about work now?!"

He was in trouble. Six hours, they'd been back together, SIX HOURS, and he'd already managed to mess up. It was time for some charm. He reached up with his left hand, cupping her head and running his thumb across the smooth surface of her cheek, "Directional flow… Southward…Land of cotton…" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at her. "Good times there are not forgotten…Dixieland…"

Her eyebrows arched in response, and he could tell that she was biting her lips to keep from laughing. She had never appreciated his puns.

"Oh, I see, your interest lies in geography...Southern geography."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, I just happen to be an expert in that very subject."

"Really? What a happy coincidence." 

She watched him speculatively for a few seconds. "Interested in a geography lesson?"

 "Yes, ma'am."

 "Then come here. But stop calling me ma'am."

 *********

"Come in."

Kel Brackett poked his head into Jansen Murphy's office. "Got a minute?"

"Sure, you're here about Maggie, aren't you?"

"Nothing escapes you, Jansen, does it? Of course I'm here about Maggie. Is she being transferred today?" PLEASE tell me she's being transferred today...

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Look, Kel, until recently she'd evidently been a model patient, then she deliberately absconds from the hospital and manages to get herself all the way to LA and specifically to Rampart. Something triggered this and her physician would like a separate, outside, evaluation of her condition before transferring her. They sent her records over, but I suppose you're a better resource in some ways."

Kel at down in one of the chairs facing the desk, balancing on the edge. "Jansen, I really don't want to dredge all that up. I haven't seen her in seven years and, although I care about her, I want that chapter of my life closed--once and for all."

"Okay, okay…I understand that. But could you just clear up a few details for me?"

"Sure," Kel nodded, leaning back in the chair. Might as well get comfortable.

"Maggie admitted herself to Peach Hill, right?"

Kel nodded his assent.

"What lead up to it? I have her treatment records but no background information."

Kel paused before answering, choosing his words carefully, "Let's just say that Maggie had increasing difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy. She refused to accept that divorce had been finalized and her behavior became more...erratic…even violent…"

"To herself?" Jansen interrupted, making notes in the casefile.

"Not initially…"

There was something in Kel's tone that made Jansen look up. Not herself…but him. That had to be it, thought he doubted that Kel would ever confirm that little suspicion. 

Kel continued. "Later, there was some concern that she might try to harm herself. Let's just say that at the time, everyone involved agreed that hospitalization was the best course of action. No one foresaw a complete breakdown. She was catatonic for awhile, then…"

 Kel lifted himself from the chair. Circling behind it, he walked over to the window, running his hands through his hair as if he were trying to wipe away unpleasant memories. "How long will you have to keep her here?"

"A few days, nothing more."

"Jansen, what are the chances of keeping this quiet?"

"That she's here?" None, my friend.

"No, the details. That she's my ex-wife."

"Well, Kel, I certainly won't mention it. Anyway, anything I learn falls under doctor-patient confidentiality," Jansen reminded him. "But she's been telling any and everyone that will listen that she's your wife. I can't guarantee that someone won't talk."

Kel dropped his head into his hands for a moment. "This is not happening..."

Jansen shrugged apologetically. "You know how this place is…"

Kel tossed him a rueful glance. "I know...that's just what I was afraid of." He turned towards the door. "Guess I'll have to live with being number one on Rampart's gossip sheet for the duration."

"Kel, one more thing… Maggie seems to have a particularly unflattering opinion of another member of your department. She's convinced that you and Dixie McCall are carrying on some sort of torrid affair and…" If he hadn't been watching closely, he'd have missed it. The expression on Kel's face went from resigned to wistful to smitten. Good Lord. What's going ON downstairs?

 Kel yanked the door open. "Jansen, just let me know when she's gone." He closed the door behind him, ending the conversation.

Well, apparently Maggie's not having quite as much trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality as we thought. Jansen scooped up his notes. The next few days around this place are going to be interesting.

************

Joe looked up from checking the Dodger's box scores to the sound of whistling, off-key but exuberant whistling, to find that this morning's concertmaster was none other than Kel Brackett. Given yesterday's events, he was surprised.

"You're in a good mood this morning, Doctor."

"I am, Doctor," Kel said, helping himself to coffee, "that I am."

"Maggie transferred back to Peach Hill?"

"Nope, she's still upstairs. Jansen has her under observation." Kel rooted around in the morning's paper until he came up with the entertainment section. He flipped it open to the movies.

"She's going back today though?" Joe asked.

"Huh-uh. It'll probably be a few days to get the transfer paperwork in order. They want an outside consultation." 

"And you're not bothered by this?" He's circling times for movies…what is going on?!

"Nope."

"Kel, even after everything that happened yesterday?"

"Especially after everything that happened yesterday."

"Well, it couldn't get any more complicated…" There it was, that ghost of a smile and he's blushing. What's going on here? "Kel, what happened, what aren't you telling me?"

"'I took your advice. I told Dix about Maggie, everything about Maggie. We talked about what happened, and how it affected me…and how it affected, um, our relationship, and…"

"Oh, Kel, you didn't. Tell me you didn't."

"We did." Boy, did we ever.

"Kel, what were you thinking?! What if Maggie finds out--"

Kel was halfway out the door, "Gotta go…Joe, don't worry everything will be fine, you'll see!" And then he was gone.

God help him, Joe thought, I don't think he has any idea what he's done!

************

"Is this seat taken?" she asked.

"Why no, it isn’t. But, Dix, you may not want to be seen with me."

"Why is that?" she asked, sitting down and sliding her tray onto the table.

He glanced around the cafeteria. Sure enough, people were staring at them. "Well apparently I’m currently headlining ‘Gossip Central’ here at Rampart."

"I know. The news about Maggie is out," she said. Taking a bit of her tuna salad, she watched him speculatively. "Kel, I think everyone understands that she’s your ex-wife. I’m sure no one holds you responsible." She reached for her iced tea.

"It’s not me I’m worried about," he told her. "Maggie’s dragging you into this. She’s insisting that you’re responsible, that we’re…"

She favored him with one of her radiant smiles, "We are." 

"But it’s not what she thinks..." He balled up his napkin, tossing it onto the remains of his lunch.

"Kel, I thought that we agreed this morning that we weren’t going to dwell on the past. I thought this was what we both wanted." She looked to him for confirmation.

"It is, Dix, you know that. You know how I feel."

"Okay, then let’s not borrow trouble. We can’t control what Maggie says and I, for one, am not going to worry about what she says or what anyone here at Rampart thinks about it. She’s going to be transferred back to Peach Hill, right?"

He nodded.

"Then she’s not our problem. Let’s concentrate on the future not the past. For example, do we have plans for this evening."

God, she could make the sinking of the Titanic tolerable. "I was thinking dinner and a movie. A nice, normal traditional date."

"You took me out last night."

"So, I think I can afford two evenings out in a row."

"How about I cook you dinner tonight instead? Just a nice quiet evening at home. No patients, no Maggie, no interruptions."

"Deal. I’ll bring the wine."

************

She walked him to the elevator. "Do you think talking with her is a good idea?" she said, pushing the ‘Up’ button for him.

"Jansen wanted me to try. He hasn’t been able to determine how she got out of the hospital and they’d like to know. He thought maybe she’d tell me. I mean, we don’t want a repeat performance, do we?"

"No." The doors opened. "Well, good luck, Mr. Rochester," she said.

He entered and turned around. "Who?"

"Mr. Rochester. He’s a character in Jane Eyre. It’s a book, Kel." The doors were closing. On impulse she joined him in the empty elevator.

"I know it’s a book. What does it mean?"

"Well, Mr. Rochester falls in love with Jane, who is the governess to his ward, and proposes." Nice hint Dix. "He doesn’t tell Jane that his crazy wife is locked in the attic. Jane, of course, discovers this fact, at the wedding I think, and flees -"

"Please tell me this gets better." 

"If you’ll let me finish. Anyway, Jane ends up returning to Thornfield, or whatever the name of the house is, to find it in ruins. There was a terrible fire, and the wife died, and Mr. Rochester was burned and blinded trying to save her and…."

"Thanks a bunch, Dix. I feel better about things already."

"They marry and live happily ever after." Oh, smooth, Dix, very subtle.

He turned to face her. "So, basically what you’re telling me is, if Rampart catches fire, leave the rescuing of crazy ex-wives to the hose jockeys."

"Something like that."

He glanced up, floor 5…6, he still had time. Without warning he turned, slipped his arms around her, and kissed her. He released her just as the doors opened. "Jane and Mr. Rochester, huh? Somehow I always thought Tarzan was more my style."

He left her standing dumbstruck in the elevator, wondering where you could pick up a loincloth on short notice.

************

Kel sighed, biting his lip as he paused outside of the door to Maggie's room. Anyone want to remind me again WHY I'm doing this?

He opened the door cautiously, bracing himself in case she decided to fling herself at him. "Maggie?" 

A brilliant smile graced her features. "Kel. I knew you'd come. That doctor friend of yours...I've really enjoyed our little chats."

"Jansen, you mean?" Kel asked, trying to keep the conversation light.

"Yeah, him," Maggie replied.

She was remarkably calm...a quick glance at her chart told Kel that she'd been medicated. So much the better...she was actually somewhat reasonable when on medication, though even that didn't solve all her problems. "So, you...how'd you leave Peach Hill anyway?"

"It's not important," Maggie answered, waving a hand dismissively. "What is important is that we're back together again. Nothing's going to tear us apart this time. Not your work, not Dixie...nothing. When I get out of here...you'll see."

Kel sincerely doubted that, but felt it was in his best interest to agree with her. "Whatever you say, Maggie."

Maggie left her perch on the bed, and crossed over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I never stopped loving you...I know we had some fights, but we're past that now, huh? We could have it all again. Even kids."

Kel shook his head slowly. "I'm not father material, Rita..." He surprised himself when he realized he'd used his old pet name for her...he'd really better watch it. Dammit, why does this woman have to stir up so many emotions in me?

"But you'd have been a great father." Maggie smiled wistfully. "It should have been different, babe, so different..." She pulled back...noticing at the last second the trace of Dixie's lipstick on his mouth. Her eyes flashed, as she realized it wasn't hers...she wasn't wearing any makeup. She reached up and brushed it away. "It's hers, isn't it?" She sounded hurt.

Kel shook his head. "Maggie, I'm sorry, but..."

"That bitch." Maggie shook her head, beginning to pace now. "That bitch. That little blonde floozy! She's going to ruin everything...I just got you back, and she's taking you again! She can't do it!"

Dixie slipped into the room carefully, looking for Kel. "Kel, they need you for a consult in--"

She was cut off, as Maggie advanced toward her. "You can't have him."

Dixie raised an eyebrow, refusing to let this woman intimidate her. Sweetheart, I’ve already got him. "Dr. Brackett isn’t yours, or mine, to own. We’re colleagues."

"You watch your back," Maggie advised, her eyes narrowing, "and stay off the stairs."

Dixie frowned, confused by the cryptic threats...but not so much that she didn't notice the look that crossed Kel's face. Obviously, that meant something to him.

"You can't have him," Maggie repeated. "He's mine. He was my baby's father."

What?! Dixie tossed a look to Kel, who was just as confused. She decided against saying anything else, knowing better than to try to engage in a battle of the wits with an unarmed person. Wordlessly, Dixie left.

Maggie smiled, heading back towards Kel. "She's gone..."

Kel was still bewildered. "What baby?" Is this another part of her fantasy?

Maggie's expression softened. "I know you don't like to think about it...I just had to get rid of her."

Well, that wasn't much help. Kel sighed. "Maggie, I've got to get back to work."

"Don't you always." Maggie smiled softly and nodded. "Go. But hurry back. I love you."

"Goodbye, Maggie," Kel answered simply, walking out the door, unwillingly recalling another time he'd spoken those words...

************

Kel sat on balcony of Dixie's apartment as she cooked inside...reflecting back on the day. Memories of the day he'd walked out continued to haunt him, as they had been since he had left Maggie's room.

Things had begun to fall apart as soon as they got back from the honeymoon. Suddenly he had a host of annoying, unacceptable habits. It was as if now that she had him, she was going to fix him…who knew you could hang shirts up wrong? And Maggie had stopped working when they married, which was fine with him, but she was bored and lonely and expected his total and undivided attention the minute he got home. After ten to twelve hours in the ER, he was often too bone-tired to drive home let alone function as a sparkling conversationalist. What he wanted was a shower and something to eat.

Then he was spending too much time at the hospital. Dr. LeQuire, the current department head, was going to retire. Kel knew that he had a shot at replacing him, making him the youngest ER head in the country. And he was ambitious enough to want it.

Four months after the wedding, he'd gone to Kansas City for a conference. He’d spent the time thinking about why he, and he suspected Maggie as well, had gotten married. Unconsciously he’d thought it would fix everything. He wouldn’t be lonely, that a wife would somehow mitigate the stress and frustration of his job…that it would make him happy. The reality was that he’d married someone so fundamentally different from himself that neither was capable of meeting the needs of the other. Raising that issue with Maggie when returned home had been the proverbial ‘last straw’.

Maggie had fallen apart. She begged him not leave; she hinted that she ‘couldn’t go on without him’. Alarmed at her reaction, he agreed to stay and work on the marriage. The problems escalated dramatically after that. She’d become argumentative, moody and suspicious. Her behavior became increasingly erratic, and they were fighting constantly.

Kel coped by avoiding her. He put in even longer hours at Rampart, often crashing in the on call room most nights. Until Joe caught him. He’d given Joe some lame excuse about being too sleepy to drive, but he suspected Joe knew differently.

His final straw had come when, after a particularly horrific day at Rampart, he’d come home, late of course, to an angry Maggie who had been seething about something for hours. She’d kept him up half the night arguing until he was called back into Rampart. Exhausted, physically and emotionally, he nearly missed a diagnosis. He’d gone home, packed his clothes and checked himself into a motel. The next morning he called his lawyer.

He’d been saved the indignity of telling Millie and Joe when Millie noticed the new contact number listed for him on the ‘on call’ list. Neither had pried and both were wonderfully supportive. Both had run interference for him at Rampart on the occasions when Maggie would make one of her impromptu appearances, demanding to see him.

Maggie had initially contested the divorce. She’d begged and pleaded that it would be different. They squabbled individually and collectively with their respective lawyers for months. It appeared that would be a long-term battle when, in the middle of a rather heated exchange at the lawyer’s office, she’d snatched the papers and signed them. "You’ll be sorry," she’d told him. "You’ll come back…"

He gone back, all right, just long enough to pack up the rest of his stuff.

************

When Kel walked into his office the next day...he found an unexpected visitor. She grinned at him amicably. "Hi, Kel."

"Millie!" Kel exclaimed, surprised to see her there. "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "I was bored...and besides...I hear there's some really interesting stuff going on up here."

Kel shook his head softly, sitting down. "You got that right." 

"So how's Bertha?"

Kel frowned in confusion. "Bertha?"

Millie waved his question aside. "Never mind...Bertha Mason...Rochester's wife...Jane Eyre..."

"Oh, that." Kel smiled faintly. "Yeah, Dixie brought that up too."

"Doesn't surprise me." Millie grinned. "You know, I heard a vicious little rumor about you two..."

Kel dropped his head into his hands. "Now that doesn't surprise me. Which one was it?"

"That you and Dixie are back together again."

"Ah...I see. One of the tamer ones, then."

"So is it true?" There was no way Millie was letting him dodge this one.

"Yeah," Kel admitted, a smile playing upon his lips. "I'll admit that the timing's probably not great, but...well, neither of us quite expected it to happen, but...we're...well, I'm...I'm glad it did. I don't think I ever stopped loving her."

"But the whole experience with Maggie left you too afraid to commit," Millie finished for him. "Yeah, I'd always kind of figured that's what it was."

"It's not that I don't care about Maggie," Kel went on. "I do. I feel sorry for her...I wonder if maybe I had some hand in it somehow...but...I'm over her. We had something special for a while but it fell apart. And I regret it, but...if I'd only known..." 

"Hindsight's 20/20," Millie reminded him. "I know if you had known how things were going to end, you'd never have married that girl in the first place. But you didn't know, you couldn't have...and there's no sense in blaming yourself for that."

"I guess you're right," Kel sighed.

"Of course I am." Millie frowned slightly. "Did they ever find out what made her snap, anyhow? I'll admit I never much liked her in the beginning, but she seemed stable enough."

Kel shook his head. "Still haven't got a clue. Jansen's evaluating her...trying to see if he can figure it out."

Millie chuckled. "I think Jansen's got a screw loose himself...they ought to get along real well. Let me know if you need anything; I'll probably be lurking around here somewhere."

"Okay." Kel smiled, a genuine smile this time. "Thanks, Millie."

"What are friends for? I'll be seeing you." With that, she offered him a parting grin, and slipped away.

I'll be seeing you... The words sparked a memory--didn't everything these days? Kel sat down, sighing...recalling a somewhat happier time...

************

************

And, that, my friend, was the beginning of the end, Kel thought, unable to resist being just a bit cynical. They'd been happy for a while, before she'd begun unraveling...but after their divorce, Kel had sworn to himself he'd never say those words again. Never again would he allow himself to be hurt that way. Which had ruined his relationship with Dixie the first time around. And yet, Kel had to admit that if he hadn't cared for Maggie so much, and treasured their relationship as he had, he wouldn't have been so hurt when it had ended. Oh, well. That was then and this is now. There's nothing I can do to change the past, so I might as well start trying to figure out how I'm going to handle the present...not to mention the future.

A knock on the door disturbed his reverie. It was Jansen Murphy.

"Oh, hi, Jansen," Kel greeted him. "Good thing you caught me; I was just about to leave. What have you got?"

"Well..." Jansen began, "the truth is, I don't have a lot. I've got bits and pieces...but nothing to link them together..."

"And you were hoping I could bridge the gaps," Kel finished.

"Essentially, yes." Jansen handed him a file. "This is what I have of her medical records. I know there shouldn't be any medical reason that she went insane...but I thought I'd check anyway, just to be sure. I was hoping to find...oh, some incident...near-death experience that scarred her, or something. It's all pretty routine, though...nothing you wouldn't have already known about."

"So what are you asking?" Kel asked, confused.

"When did you notice that she was starting to change?" Jansen asked. "The timing on this is what really bugs me. I mean, we both know that sometimes, a catalyst for a change is hardly what they'd have given you in a textbook."

Kel shrugged. "I'd guess it was...oh, about four months into the marriage...December, 1966...all of a sudden, she seemed...different, somehow. Nothing I could do was right anymore...she was always angry at me over something."

"Resentment?" Jansen asked.

Kel nodded. "Could have been. Maybe that I was spending so many hours at the hospital..."

"Leaving her alone, to take stock of her life...and what she didn't have," Jansen supplied.

"A baby?" Kel guessed, still trying to make sense of Maggie's cryptic comments earlier. She had mentioned wanting children when they'd first gotten married...

"Probably," Jansen acknowledged. "Yeah...still, that doesn't quite explain why she snapped, though. That sort of thing happens every day...she could have been overly sensitive to it...but...that's not her main focus..." He shook his head softly. "I'll have to talk to her again, see if I can make sense of this all somehow...if she had someone to talk to about it, she should have been able to work through it--theoretically..." He was musing to himself, almost having forgotten Kel's presence. "Oh. I'm sorry...listen, if you think of anything else, you know where my office is."

"Sure." Kel nodded grimly, and settled back in the chair behind his desk, flipping the medical record open. He skimmed past her treatment records for Peach Hill, and the mental health clinic she'd been to prior to her admission...he was looking for something dated November or December 1966...

A particular piece of paper caught his eye; it was a record from St. Francis...when had she gone in to St. Francis? Hmmm...emergency room paperwork …she'd been to St. Francis' ER? He scanned the header. 32-year-old female...complaining of cramps and moderate bleeding...8 weeks pregnant...

Kel had to stop and reread that last part over. Eight weeks pregnant?! Maggie had never mentioned being pregnant! Quickly, he flipped a couple of pages back to earlier records. Sure enough, there it was...the proof of pregnancy, records and all. It took Kel less than a second to flip back to the ER diagnostic sheet...but with those symptoms, and knowing how things had turned out...he already knew in his heart what the diagnosis was going to be. Sure enough, there was the diagnosis, written in black and white, stubbornly refusing to be ignored. Spontaneous abortion. Miscarriage. Maggie had lost the baby. And where had he been? According to the date...Kansas City, at that damn conference. He'd been away, planning to end their marriage. And she'd been suffering the heartbreak of losing a child. Their child. Alone.

In his state of shock, Kel dropped the file. The sound it made as it hit the floor was hollow...yet satisfying somehow.

"My God," he whispered softly, once he'd regained his senses. "She was pregnant...she never told me..."

But how could she NOT have told me?! Kel wondered. It was my baby too! He checked the file again.

Apparently, she'd found out she was pregnant just before he'd left for Kansas City. She must have wanted to surprise him with the news. Instead, she'd kept it secret...even going to a different hospital when she was losing the baby, to keep him from knowing. Dammit, why? And then I came back and told her it was over. How...heartless.

Logic held very little meaning for him at the moment. He sighed, shoving away from the desk. He needed to go for a drive.

************

Awakened by knocking, Dixie opened the door to find him slumped against the doorframe. "Kel--"

"I’m sorry," he cut her off. "I didn’t know where else to go."

"It’s all right." She ushered him into the darkened apartment. "Kel, where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you." She steered him over towards the couch where he dropped bonelessly onto the cushions. "Kel, have you been drinking?"

"No, just driving."

"Driving where?" This is like pulling teeth.

"I don’t know. Just around."

Dixie reached back to turn on the table lamp. She could barely see him in the light spilling from the hallway.

He stopped her. "No, please, this is easier in the dark"

He exhaled. "I talked with Jansen. Maggie wasn’t fantasizing about the baby. She was pregnant and she never told me. She had a miscarriage. Never told me that either."

"Oh Kel, I’m so sorry. You’re sure…Jansen’s sure?"

"He tracked down her medical records at St. Francis. She didn’t go to Rampart, obviously."

"When? I mean--"

"About four months into the marriage, while I was out of town for a conference. I was half a continent away deciding that our marriage had been a mistake and Maggie was here, alone, losing her--our--child. Then I came back and hit her with the news that she was losing me too. It’s no wonder she snapped."

He looks like he’s about to fly apart. "Kel, you couldn’t have known. What happened to Maggie isn’t your fault. Not the miscarriage and certainly not the breakdown."

"Then whose fault is it? When she needed me the most, when they both did, I…Dix, I’m a physician. I’m supposed to help people, to save lives, not destroy them." 

"Kel, you didn’t. You’re exhausted and you’re not thinking clearly. You need to get some sleep and then, in the morning, we can talk this out."

"Talking won’t help. It can’t make what happened go away and it won’t make what I did any less monstrous."

Taking his hand, Dixie tried to reason with him, "You’re not a monster..."

"No Dix, you don’t understand. There’s a part of me that keeps thinking that it was better this way. What kind of a life would that child have had…born into a disintegrating marriage, a mother with serious psychological problems and a compulsive workaholic for a father. That the baby is better off than being stuck with me for a father."

"Kel, acknowledging that the situation would not have been a healthy one for a child does not make you a monster. You wouldn’t have wished for Maggie to miscarry if you’d known. And you’d have been good father." He looked up at her then, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "You would have tried your best if you’d had the chance. You don’t have to tear yourself apart in atonement. Kel, it’s okay to grieve." She ran her right hand through his hair then draped her arm across his shoulders. Her left hand wrapped around his arm. "You have that right...you lost a child too."

One sob escaped him, then another. He fell over into her comforting embrace.

************

Dixie heard him shuffling down the hall. She turned from the counter where she was slicing a grapefruit for breakfast to find Kel standing in the entrance to the living room. He was barefoot and half-dressed, his shirt half-buttoned, rumpled and untucked, and his hair looked startled. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he desperately needed to shave. He looked like hell. And achingly vulnerable. No one at Rampart would have recognized him.

"Hi," he said, sliding into one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

"Good morning. Coffee?" she gestured with the pot.

"Yes, please," he said, not meeting her eyes.

She topped off her cup and poured one for him, sliding it across to the counter to him. 

"Thanks."

"Kel – "

"Dix –" they began in unison.

"Go ahead," she offered.

"No, ladies first..."

"It’s my apartment," she countered, "you go ahead."

He blew on his coffee to cool it, "Dix…I’m sorry." He sat the cup down, twisting it this way and that.

"About what?"

He looked up in disbelief. About what? Was she sleepwalking last night? "About what?! Take your pick. How about showing up here at two something in the morning and then falling apart…." His eyes dropped back to the counter in embarrassment. "How about dragging you front and center into Rampart’s gossip machine, about…about the fact that for reasons that now completely escape me, you give me a second chance and it’s been one disaster after another." He took a deep breath and another sip of coffee to fortify himself. "I wouldn’t blame you if you had second thoughts…if you wanted out." There he’d said it. He’d given her an out.

"I knew you’d pull a stupid stunt like this!!!" Her cup banged off the counter, executed an 180^o rotation, sloshing coffee everywhere and plunged over the edge and onto the floor. She didn’t appear to notice. "I knew this was coming." She folded her arms across her chest and glared at him.

She seemed to be gathering herself. "Kel, I cannot begin to understand how you must feel. I know Maggie is not inherently a bad person, but she’s put you through hell. She’s tried to drag your name and reputation through the mud; she’s lied to you. She taught you firsthand that if you let anyone get too close, you’d get hurt. That broke us up the first time…"

"That wasn’t all Maggie’s fault, I contributed to the problem –"

"I’m …not…finished."

Dixie favored him with one of her patented, no nonsense, Nurse McCall glares. "She contributed to what went wrong before and I will be damned if I let her get away with it again." She paused, then went on, "You said that you weren’t happy with your life the way it is…was…that you wanted things to be different."

"Yes…"

"So, unless you were lying about how you feel…" 

No. He shook his head in response.

"Then that’s enough. We just have to make do until Maggie is transferred out of Rampart. And people will eventually find someone to talk about, they always do, but we’ve both been hurt enough and I’m not letting Maggie or public opinion get in the way of what I want."

"Well?" she demanded. "Say something."

"You’re fierce. I think I like you this way."

Reaching into the cabinet for plates, she replied, "Well thank you, Professor Higgins." Oh Dix, can’t you leave the romantic references alone? Hoping to distract him, Dixie slid half a grapefruit onto each plate and passed one to Kel.

"Who?"

She sighed. She knew well enough to know that he wasn’t going to let this go. She dug around in the drawer for spoons. "My Fair Lady. Professor Higgins says virtually that same thing to Eliza Doolittle after…" she trailed off, embarrassed.

"After…" he prompted.

You started it, finish it. "After she leaves in a snit and runs home to his Mother. He finally begins to admit his…feelings…for her…" she finished lamely, finally noticing the spilled coffee and missing cup.

"I see."

She reached for a paper towel. I just bet you do.

Although he knew it was unintentional, Kel was beginning to see a pattern here. His cool, professional head nurse had a romantic streak and he wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass. "Dix, can I ask you just one question?"

She nodded.

"Do they live happily ever after too?"

If he’d been a little quicker, she just might have missed him with the soggy paper towel.

*******

Later that day, Jansen Murphy strolled up to Emergency's main desk.

"This is not my day," the psychiatrist sighed, as though it were a personal mantra. "Oh, this is so not my day!"

The head nurse smiled at him. "Hi, Jansen."

Jansen's face lit up in a smile. "You're just the lady I wanted to see! I need to talk to you about..." he looked around to make sure no one else was listening, "Maggie."

Dixie frowned slightly. "What makes you think I'd know anything about Maggie?"

Murphy looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Well...I...I know that she has her...ideas...about you...and...well, I..."

"You're snooping for information about my relationship with Kel, aren’t you?" Dixie asked, with a raised eyebrow. "Really, Jansen, I'd have thought you were above that."

"I'm not here to pry," Jansen replied, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "I'm simply here to ask you a few legitimate, pertinent questions...questions that you'd have no professional reason to ignore..."

Dixie glared at him, though it was half-hearted. "You cheat."

Jansen grinned devilishly. "I know."

"So what's your question?" Dixie tucked a strand of blonde hair behind one ear.

"I know Maggie voluntarily committed herself to Peach Hill..." Jansen began, "but I don't know why. Kel says she finally came to a point where she wanted to...avoid problems...something like that, but he's being awfully vague. I figure you might know... I mean, you're one of his best friends," he covered quickly. 

Dixie nodded. "Uh-huh. Well, truth is, Jansen, I don't know. He won't tell me about it either."

"I think he needs to talk about it, to someone...anyone..." Jansen bit his lip. "It was obviously not a pleasant experience...but it's something really bad if you or Joe can't coax him into talking about it."

"He's taking the news about the miscarriage awfully hard..." Dixie sighed. "He thinks it was his fault somehow."

"Yeah...if I'd known he hadn't known, I'd have found a gentler way of breaking things to him." Jansen shook his head. "Must've been a hell of a shock."

Dixie glanced about quickly to make sure no other ears were listening...particularly not Anne's. She was the gossip queen of Rampart General, and this news would have flown around the hospital in a second. "He showed up at my apartment at 2 AM. He was falling apart...you wouldn't have recognized him this morning...I'm really worried about him."

"Whatever it was Maggie did to him, it must've been something he doesn't want to see the light of day again," Jansen answered. "I'm afraid you'll have to dig it up, though. For his sake."

"Yeah." Dixie looked back up at the psychiatrist. "I'll do what I can. I hope it's enough."

Jansen chuckled, and patted her arm playfully. "Trust me, Dix...your brand of doing enough is more than enough for anyone else."

He slipped away before she could comment.

*******

"Come in."

"Hey."

"Hey yourself."

Dixie slipped into Kel’s office, closing the door behind her, and leaned against it. "Do you have a minute Kel?"

He nodded and motioned her over to the desk.

She perched on the edge of the chair facing his desk. "You’re sure I’m not bothering you?" Go ahead, tell me I’m bothering you…I don’t think that either of us is really up to having this conversation. Not after last night. I can’t believe I let Jansen con me into this.

"You, never. What’s up?"

"How do you feel?"

"Okay. I’ve had better days but it actually helps to have something to concentrate on," he gestured to the stack of papers on his desk. "First time a quarterly budget review served a useful purpose. But you didn’t come in here to discuss the budget," he tossed his pen into the desk and leaned back in his chair.

"Kel," she took a deep breath – please let me say this the right way – "I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, about what you told me last night and about how much damage secrets and lies can do…"

"So," he said playfully, "are you here to reveal some deep secret past?"

"No. I’m not talking about my secrets, Kel. I’m talking about yours." She plunged ahead. "Kel, Maggie didn’t commit herself because she suddenly decided that she needed help. Something happened. Something you’re not telling me – or Jansen – about."

Kel leaned across the desk, his expression darkening by the second. "Jansen put you up to this, didn’t he? This is none of his business!" he thundered.

"But it is mine. Kel if we don’t address this, it’s going to…"

"Leave it alone, Dix. It’s in the past."

She tried to keep her voice as even as possible. "No it’s not. It’s upstairs on the eighth floor in Psych and it’s right here between us. And it will stay there until we address it."

She was right. Dammit, she was right. If he wanted to avoid a repeat performance of their last attempt at a relationship, he was going to have to stop hiding behind his past. He was going to have to own up to the rest of it.

 "Not here."

 "What?" She was momentarily confused.

 "I’ll tell you, but not here. Call Jansen, tell him to meet us at The Green Parrot. Six or six-thirty." Kel reached for the phone.

 The Green Parrot, was he still going to that grungy pub? "Who are you calling?"

"Joe. We’re going to need him for this."

 ****

The trio settled into a booth in a dim corner of The Green Parrot, waiting for Joe Early to arrive.

"Sorry, I’m late," Joe said as he slid in next to Jansen, "traffic was awful."

"We took the liberty of ordering for you," Dixie said, nudging a gin and tonic across the table to him.

"Thanks," Joe favored her with a tight smile. He looked over at Kel, who was staring into his Scotch, swirling it around in his glass, then over to Jansen who was watching Kel with undisguised fascination, "So…"

"So I guess I’ll start…" Kel began. "You all know the basics. Maggie and I probably never should have gotten married and cracks started to appear almost immediately. I won’t bore everyone with a dramatic recitation of the demise of my marriage, let’s just say that our relationship quickly became contentious, then … very…adversarial. After I moved out, it got to the point where we rarely had any contact with one another without a lawyer present. She drug divorce proceedings out for months until she suddenly just signed the papers. I don’t know why." Kel looked across at Jansen for comment.

Jansen shrugged. "Who knows Kel?"

"Does it matter?" asked Dixie.

"Anyway," Kel continued, "It still took a few more weeks for everything to be finalized. We had to sell the house and divide up the money. Stuff like that. When my lawyer called me to tell me that the divorce was final, I decided, I don’t know why, that I wanted to tell Maggie myself. Maybe I thought we could find some kind of…" he hesitated, unsure of the word.

"Closure?" Jansen offered.

"That’s as good a word as any." Kel paused and took a sip of his Scotch. "I went over to the house. She was packing up stuff in the kitchen, dishes, and cleaning out drawers. She seemed really sad… almost disconnected…"

Jansen interrupted, "Kel, when was this?"

"July of ‘68"

"July?"

"I can do the math Jansen. Maggie was eight weeks pregnant when she miscarried. The baby would have been due in July. Once again, my timing was extraordinary." He took another swallow to finish his Scotch, then motioned for the waitress to bring another. "Poor thing. Fate conspired against her - again."

Dixie reached over to take Kel’s hand. "Against you both."

Kel waited until the second round of drinks had arrived before he continued. "I told her that my lawyer had called and that the divorce was final. I think I must have said something about trying to part on friendlier terms, that I didn’t hate her, that it just wasn’t meant to be…I don’t remember."

"That’s understandable," Joe murmured.

"She lost it. She just lost it. She was standing by the sink cleaning out a drawer, and she just turned around and flung everything at me, drawer and all. And then… I don’t think she really meant to hurt me…maybe she meant to hurt herself, but… she slashed me with one of the knives." He reached over and massaged his right arm, just above the elbow.

That scar on his arm, Dixie thought. He told me that it was from an accident helping his dad move furniture.

"It wasn’t that bad, some damage to the biceps, but she’d caught the cephalic vein, and you know how that can bleed."

No one at the table moved.

"I had been standing in the doorway of the kitchen and she scared the hell out of me, so I guess I instinctively backed up across the hallway and went right down the stairs to the front door. There were only five or six; it was a split level," he added as if the detail somehow mattered. "I managed to knock myself out."

That explains Maggie’s cryptic remark about avoiding the stairs. "What happened after that?" Dixie asked.

"That’s where I come in," said Joe. "Maggie called me in hysterics. I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying, just something about ‘Kel’ and ‘blood’ and ‘dead’ and ‘an accident’. I got there as fast as I could. Kel was still out cold, but Maggie had at least attempted to stop the bleeding. She must have finally figured out that if he was bleeding, he wasn’t dead."

"I remember coming to while you were there," Kel said.

"I managed to get Kel and Maggie both out to the car and over to St. Francis."

"Not Rampart?" Dixie asked.

"No…They stitched up Kel’s arm and admitted him over observation for a concussion. Maggie had to be sedated and admitted. Given the circumstances, and Maggie’s ramblings, the police were notified."

"Police?" Jansen asked, things were beginning to fall into place.

"It was a mess," Joe offered. "There was talk of pressing charges, from aggravated assault to assault with a deadly weapon to possibly attempted murder."

"I didn’t want to press charges but it wasn’t going to be up to me," Kel said. "She didn’t need to be incarcerated…she needed help and since there was some question of her real intent, and she did call Joe for help, the psychiatrist at St. Francis suggested hospitalization might be the best course. Maggie went voluntarily; she seemed almost relieved to go. I think the whole episode frightened her so badly that she wanted help. And I told the police that I wouldn’t cooperate if charges were brought against her."

 "It was better for Kel too. Tom LeQuire was retiring as department head in emergency, and the word was that Kel had the inside track to the job. There’d been some concern over his age, and the divorce, but since it hadn’t seemed to affect him on the job, everyone considered it a forgone conclusion that the job was his if he wanted it."

"But if Maggie had been brought to trial, the scandal would have killed his chances," finished Jansen. "What did you tell everyone to account for his injuries?"

"I just told everyone that Kel had been helping his dad move furniture and had fallen, cutting his arm and banging his head. No one thought anything of it."

For a long moment, no one said a word.

"Someone say something, please," Kel implored. Dixie shifted in the seat beside him and he turned to face her, "Dix?" He glanced across the table at Joe and Jansen. "Does this change things?"

"No, of course not," she replied. "Why would it?"

"I don’t know, I’ve just always felt guilty for just letting her go like that and then just trying to shut the door and go on. But even though I didn’t think she was really trying to hurt me, she scared the hell out of me…and I was angry. I just wanted her out of my life and to try and start over," Kel explained. 

"If you want my professional opinion," Jansen offered, "your reaction sounds understandable given the circumstances. You did meet with her doctors at Peach Hill and tried to help." Jansen paused for a moment. "Kel, have you considered that as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been for you, I mean the last few days, that in the end it might be truly beneficial for both you and Maggie?"

 "Well no, Jansen, with one exception," Kel reached out to cover Dixie’s hand with his own, "I hadn’t really considered the last few days…therapeutic."

"Maybe you should. Don’t you feel better having gotten this off your chest?" Jansen asked.

"Well…yes, I guess I do."

"And Maggie, now that we have a better idea what the underlying trigger for her breakdown might have been, not to mention the complete circumstances surrounding the, um, incident, her doctors might be able to make some real progress in treating her. Ultimately Maggie’s little adventure might have been the best thing that could have happened to her."

Watching the couple across the table, Joe added sotto voce, "Not just Maggie, Jansen, not by a long shot."

*****

May 16, 1975 

Dixie McCall stepped off the elevator after a surprisingly productive meeting with Nathan O'Brien. The ER was quiet. Maybe things were finally looking up.

As she approached the base station, she caught the tail end of conversation with Joe Early and two of her favorite paramedics, John Gage and Roy DeSoto. "…. inflation, you know," Joe was saying.

"Well the next thing we know, the hospital will start charging for supplies."

"I wouldn’t say that too loudly Johnny," Dix said, slipping between him and the counter to her accustomed place. She nodded a greeting to Roy in passing and received a smile and salute of coffee in return.

"I haven't seen you two in a few days. Did you enjoy your time off?"

"I'll say," Johnny enthused. "I took Shannon, you know Shannon the new nurse in Ortho, well I took her out to dinner and a movie one night, and then she invited me over for a home-cooked meal the next night. We're going to the beach on my next day off."

"What about you Roy?"

Roy made a face, "I cleaned the gutters." He took one last sip of his coffee and tapped John on the shoulder with the HT. "Come on Junior, duty calls."

Scooping up the box of supplies, Johnny tossed both a parting wave, "Doc, Dix, see you later," then headed out after his partner.

As Dixie turned her attention to the nursing schedule, Joe glanced around for any unwelcome sets of ears. Having decided that the coast was clear, he begin, "Dix, have…"

"He's upstairs now."

She's telepathic. "You okay with that?"

"He wanted to say goodbye. Despite everything, he does care about her."

"Says something about the man," Joe observed.

For that he was the recipient of one of her radiant smiles. "Speaking of men," she said, "I'd like to thank you."

"For what?"

"For being there for Kel when he needed you the most. Being a man, he probably won't tell you how much that meant to him, so I'm telling you for him. Thank you, from both of us."

*****

"You're sending me back," she said softly, sadly.

"Yeah, Maggie…we are." Kel hated this, but he knew it was necessary. "It’s for your own good; you know you’re not well, don’t you?"

"But I know I could get better if you’d just give me another chance. I love you Kel!" Maggie insisted, wrapping her arms tightly around him.

"Maggie, you know it’s not that simple, you have…"

"Kel, I can't live without you."

"You can," he insisted, grasping her shoulders and easing her back. "You will. You've done it for seven years already."

"You're going to forget about me," Maggie answered, her eyes tearing up. "You're going to run off and marry her and you'll forget I ever existed." The slight change in medication Jansen had ordered days before had finally seemed to have an effect. She was a bit more lucid now but her perceptions of reality were still tenuous.