Never Thought

Where ARE you, Kel?!  Dixie was extremely stressed out.  The kids were running all over the house...they looked good now, but would they in five minutes?  They were due at the photographer's studio for a family portrait in half an hour...and Kel wasn't even home yet!

"Jake...honey, don't--"  Dixie scooped up her son, who was trying to wiggle under the couch to retrieve a ball.  She set him down on the couch, then ran off to retrieve Sophie.  The four year old twins seemed bound and determined to somehow get dirty at the most inopportune of times.

The door opened and Kel ran in.  "Hi, Dix...Sorry, I know I'm late...let me jump in the shower and I'll get ready..."  He looked her over--she hadn't even had a chance to get dressed herself yet.  "I'll watch the kids...you get your dress on."

Dixie shook her head.  "It's okay, Kel. Get your shower, I can--"  They exchanged a look and followed their daughter’s scream into the living room.  "Sophie, what's wrong?!"

One glance made it apparent.  Jake was holding one of Sophie's dolls...and had effectively beheaded it.  Circumstantial evidence:  but enough for a conviction—it’s a good thing he’s cute!  

"Jake!"  This day certainly didn't seem to be getting any better.  Dixie scooped up her crying daughter, comforting her.  "Shh, Sweetie, we'll fix it.  Kel, you’re the surgeon.  You can you take care of it."

With one pop and a half twist, Kel finished the task and handed the doll to his delighted little girl.   "There you go...good as new—well…DeeDee’s back to normal anyway.”  With her doll in one hand and her daddy around her every other finger, she jumped into his arms in appreciation. “I'll take Sophie, Dix--go get dressed."

Sophie was busying herself playing with Kel's hair--Dixie couldn't really blame her.  "Okay, Sweetheart...but…don’t let her suck on your cheeks.  I know how much you love it but your face’ll be all blotchy for the picture."

Kel stifled a yelp of pain as Sophie pulled at his hair.  "C'mon, angel...don't pull..."  He took the little girl into his arms, angling his head to account for her fistful of his hair.  "Sophie--angel, let go...please..."

"I did."  Sophie didn't seem to understand what he was talking about.  “We’re stuck, Daddy--forever!” She giggled in glee.

Sighing, Kel reached his hand up and then frowned slightly.  "Um...Dix?  Where'd she get the gum?"

“Under the table,”  Jake announced, probably hoping for leniency in future negotiations.

Dixie stared at him.  "You're kidding, Kel.  Gum?!" 

"Do we look like I’m kidding---ow!?"

Dixie came over to assess the situation.  "Oh...oh, wow, Kel, you’re really…stuck..."

No kidding.  Kel sighed.  "Well, it's got to come out...would peanut butter work?"

"Trust me, the only thing peanut butter will do is get peanut butter and Juicy Fruit in your hair."  Dixie leveled a gaze at him.  "I don't know who started that myth, but.....maybe ice will work."  Why now? She headed into the kitchen.  When she returned, she had some ice in her hand...and soon discovered that--although less messy than peanut butter--ice wasn't working well, either.  "What do we do now?"

Kel looked over to the scissors on the nearby desk.  "It looks like our only choice is to cut it out..."

Dixie bit her lip; she knew he was right...but...  "I'll try to make it look good..."  Her head turned...during the commotion, Jake had started bouncing on the couch, while chewing on his tie.  "Sweetie, sit down..."  She managed to get him to stop and then picked up the scissors.

After a few minutes and some careful cutting, Dixie had managed to cut the gum free of Kel's hair.  However...it was definitely noticeable.  "Oh...Kel..."

The twins looked at each other and burst into giggles.

Kel looked at the image in the mirror and cringed--then checked his watch.  "Okay, we're supposed to be there in ten minutes.  Hurry up and get your dress on..."

"But, Kel what about your hair/" Dixie protested, "We should just forget about the photo ..."

"And forfeit the $75 down payment just to reserve the photographer and his precious studio?"  Kel shook his head.  "Besides, I've always wanted a picture of my wife and children.  Go, get your dress on.  I can handle these two for a few minutes."  He turned on the television for the children...thank goodness for Sesame Street.  It was no guarantee they'd stay in one place, but it was his best chance at the moment. 

Perching on Daddy’s lap along while watching Big Bird was captivating enough to momentarily hold Sophie's attention.  Jake found it necessary to explore…his particular interests lay in the area around the fireplace.  Sighing, Kel slid Sophie off his lap and followed his son into the living room.

There was a knock on the door.  Kel went to answer it, shaking his head.  Great...another thing we don't need right now, visitors...I hope this doesn't take long; we're already hopelessly late as it is.  "Hello..."

"Dr. Brackett?"  The man standing on their doorstep offered a hand.  Kel recognized him from having seen him around the hospital.  "Mike Thompson...I was in the neighborhood...I hope you don't mind my stopping by.  I've gotten your wife's test results back...is she available?"

Test results? What tests?  Kel wondered.  "Uh...uh...not quite this moment.  Is there any way you can give me the results?"

 "I’m sorry—I’ve obviously come at a bad time, but I couldn’t see delivering…sensitive information over the phone and--.”

“I don’t understand—Dix?”  He yelled over his shoulder giving a quick glance to  Jake…in the fire place.  “Dix can you come to the door please?”

Dr.. Thompson invited himself in rubbing his hands together.  “You might want to sit down, Doctor," He advised.

Uneasy with the gravity in Mike’s expression, Kel extended a hand to the living room, prying the iron ash shovel from his four-year-old's grip and shooing him into the play area.

“Honey, Daddy and Mommy need to talk with this gentleman.  You need to sit with Sophie on the couch…”  Like that’s gonna happen.  ‘Think you can do that for me?”

Jake nodded placing his blackened thumb in his mouth and exited the living room.

“What’s this about Mike?”

“Dixie came in for an exam and we found… some abnormalities, so we ran further tests." Kel steeled himself for news of rough waters.

"Abnormalities?" The harsh words arrested Kel's attention from his son momentarily, but just long enough.  "What tests?!"

The doctor paused allowing Kel to take a seat on the couch and hoping to wait for Dixie but only served to aggravate Kel.  “She hasn’t told you anything, then?” 

Told me what…?!  Uncertain at whom to direct his escalating anger and frustration Kel pleaded with his hands open. ‘No.  God…what tests?!  What abnormalities?!” 

‘We think…” Mike stammered.  "There’s a strong possibility she may have cancer--.”

Kel felt Dixie’s hand on his shoulder.  “I’ve been having pain, Kel.”  She submitted as she sat beside him.      

Pain?!!  Kel ran his hand through his choppy waves. Wait a minute did he say... "Cancer?!  What?!  When did--" He shook his head, overwhelmed he looked to her for clarification and hopefully, for comfort.  "Dix?!"

Holding her hand he squeezed it tightly.  The portrait was all but forgotten now.

**

"Dix, if you were having pain, why didn’t you tell me!  I could have—.”   Kel asked later, after the doctor had left.  She had come back into the room, looking as shaken as he felt.

"I went in for some tests because I was having a little bit of pain...mild...I didn’--." 

“Don’t say you didn’t want to worry me!  I’m your husband for God’s sake.  We’re supposed to share--.”

She sighed.  "I really didn't think it was anything worth worrying about..."  Taking his hand to calm him, Dixie explained.  "I'll have to go back for some more tests next week...to figure out how advanced it is..."

Kel sat back into the fabric of the couch looking to the ceiling.  Jake immediately navigated to his lap.

”Why...Dix...you should have said something..."

"It didn't seem like anything serious...the pain wasn't bad...I wanted to wait 'til I knew something."

"Well.  Now we know something."  Kel looked at Jake naive to the circumstance other than the fact that Mommy and Daddy could use some cheering up.  Feeling the need to do something to protect the innocence of his children and save his wife’s life, he went to the phone.

She gripped his hand.  "I...I never thought it would be...."

"No...I suppose not."  His voice was failing.  He found it difficult to stay angry with her.  He wasn't sure he'd ever been truly angry with her in the first place. 

"What do we do now?"

With the receiver was still in his hand, he began to dial the operator.  "I'll call Chuck Marshall.  He can set us up at Jonsson and ...they know what they're doing...they're the best."  He pulled his wife into his arms.  "They're cutting edge, you know."

She nodded.  The pain had returned, but she tried not to show it.  "I think I'm going to lay down for a little while..."

He felt the tears forming.  How could I have been so blind?

"It's not your fault," she whispered, wiping his tears away as her own streamed down her cheeks.

Jake walked to his father now seated beside Dixie. "Why's Mommy crying?"  He put his hands to Dixie's face.  "Mommy, don't cry..."

"Mommy's.. had a long day..."  Dixie managed.  "I'm just tired, sweetie...it's okay..."  She hugged him.

"Come on, Jake," Kel said, scooping his son into his embrace.  "Let's let Mommy lay down a while.  We'll go see what Sophie's up to."  He hoped she was still in the living room watching Sesame Street...she'd been quiet lately...almost too quiet.

Dixie winced slightly as she stood up.  "I'll be in the bedroom if you need me...I love you."

Kel wondered.  How long has she been doing this..and I haven’t noticed.

Jake was noticeably uncomfortable. "Mommy!  Don't cry!"

"I'll try not to, sweetie..."  Dixie forced a smile for his sake.

The little boy covered his face with his hands as Kel lifted him away from his mother. Kel smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way.  "It's okay, Jake.  Mommy's gonna be okay."  She has to be.

*****************

Kel turned his head slightly as Dixie slid into bed beside him.  "Hi."  As she slipped under the covers, he pulled her close to him.  "What a day, huh?"

"Yeah." 

He heard the waver in her voice--she was trying to be strong for him, and for the children.  "Dix...it's okay to...I mean, you don't have to..."

"Yes."  She cut him off.  "Yes, I do.  Because if I don't--I'll go crazy.  I...I can't believe...I never thought it would be cancer.. I still can’t believe it."  It was the first time since her diagnosis that she'd actually spoken the word. 

Kel ran his fingers through her long blonde hair, feeling its soft thickness and then closing his eyes to the vision of those same locks sacrificed to effects of chemotherapy. Don’t do this, Kel.  He relished the softness of her hair, now even more precious to him. He tried to comfort himself as he comforted her.   "We can get through this, Dix...I know we can..."

"We both know the prognosis, …" Dixie whispered.

"Maybe but….but... "  Kel’s stammering and struggling was equally painful to them both.    "I still have friends at Hopkins...they're on the cutting edge...Dave Martin heads up Oncology.  I can call him...he's the best.  I wouldn't think of settling for anything less than the best of care for you, Dixie...you know that, don't you?"

"I know."  She nodded.  "I just...I wonder if it'll be enough."  Her voice broke. 

Kel didn't say anything for the next few minutes; he just held her as she cried, ignoring the tears in his own eyes. 

*****************

Dixie awoke the next morning around 9:00.  It just happened that this was one of the rare days off that she and Kel had together.  She stood unnoticed at the entranceway to the kitchen, smiling as she saw Kel trying to get the children and their breakfast in order.  Briefly she wondered and stated a quick prayer that she would be able to catch the same glimpse from heaven—don’t do this, Dix.   "You know, you could have just woke me up...I can't believe I slept that late."

He kissed her cheek feeling the wetness of a warm tear dampen his lips.  "I didn't want to wake you...besides, you could use the rest."

Dixie caught the meaning in that and countered his somber mood with her Irish spunk.  I’m not an invalid, yet.  “ I've still got a couple of years left...I'd like to enjoy them."

Thankful for her spirit, Kel wrapped his arms around her from behind.  "I suppose you'll still want to work." 

"Of course!  I can't just lie around at home, waiting to—to--."  Dixie shook her head.  "I  want to work...as long as I'm able." 

"It's not going to be easy..."  Kel trailed off then muttered softly.  “…and telling everyone.”

"I don't want to," Dixie insisted, crossing to load the dishes in the dishwasher. 

"What?  We can't just..."

She looked back at him over her shoulder.  "Kel, the last thing I want is for everyone to walk on eggshells around me!  As soon as they hear the word ‘cancer’ they’ll treat me like I'm made of china.  I guarantee it.   I couldn’t handle that.  I’m not ready for that.” 

‘They deserve a chance Dix.  They’ll find out sooner or later.” 

‘Then let it be later.”  She turned into his embrace, looking into his eyes for support.  “I mean it, Kel.  I don't want to tell them until we absolutely have to."

Kel reluctantly nodded his promise. 

Dixie’s expression brightened with a shrug.  "Besides, we’re not even sure it is cancer. We won’t know for certain until they do the biopsies."  She was trying to throw him hope...for her, all the biopsy would do would be tell her how much of a chance she had to survive.  She'd gone out of town overnight, the week before, claiming she was visiting an old friend.  The "old friend" was a nurse she knew well; it wasn't a total lie.  However, the visit had been more on medical terms.   

They'd been unaware that the children had stopped their debate about whether Superman was really more powerful than Batman and had been listening. 

"Mommy, what's cancer?" Sophie asked innocently.

Dixie closed her eyes and felt a deep breath leave her.  Is the entire day going to be this emotionally exhausting?    The innocence of a child could sometimes be one of the most devastating forces of all.  She had to ask...now of all times...all the times we might have discussed the subject with them around, in the context of work...and now she asks.  Jake's expression told them he wanted to know the answer to that question as well.

Kel knelt down in front of the kids, squeezing Dixie's hand before he did so.  "Well...you see..."  He moved to a chair, pulling both of them into his lap.  "It's...when your body grows something it's not supposed to..."  He looked to Dixie for guidance.  She came to kneel beside them. 

"Then what happens?"  Jake was genuinely interested...something told them this kid was going into medicine someday. 

"Well..."  Kel sighed.  How do I put this?  "It makes...like a ball, sort of...and if the ball doesn't stop, there's no more room for the stuff your body needs to work."

Sophie's nose wrinkled at the thought.  "Yuck."

Dixie nodded.  "Yeah, honey, it's really 'yuck'."

"So why were you talking about it?"

Leave it to Jake to be pragmatic about this...  Kel bit his lip.  How do you explain this to your child?  How do I explain it without scaring them?  "I...I was just told that someone very close to me has it, honey..."

"Oh."  Jake considered the revelation.  "That's bad, huh?"

"Yeah."  Dixie's voice was throatier than usual--she was fighting tears.   "It's really bad...we're just hoping it was a mistake."

"Are they gonna die?" Sophie asked.

"We hope not."  Kel pulled Dixie closer, wiping away your tears.  "But...that's why your mommy's been a little sad lately..."  And not just your mother...  "We're just hoping everything will be okay." 

"Me too," Jake chimed in. 

"Yeah...me too!"  Sophie nodded furiously. 

It brought a small smile to Dixie's lips.  "Thanks, guys...now you two go on and play, all right?"  She and Kel watched as they ran upstairs to the playroom.  She leaned into Kel's embrace.  "I feel like we're lying to them."

"We told them the truth...in the least frightening way possible."  Kel rested his cheek against her hair.  "I don't want to scare them before we have to either."

"I know."  With a sigh, Dixie stood up, wincing slightly. 

Kel stood up next to her.  "Are you having pain again?"

"It's not bad."  She shook her head.  "No worse than before."

He shook his head cursing his medical skills. How could you let this happen? And to Dix, of all people the one you love most…your own wife.    "I can't believe I never noticed..."

Dixie replied matter-of-factly.  "Don't blame yourself for this...it was a lousy hand we’ve been dealt.  But we'll get through it.  Somehow." 

Tears sprang to Kel's eyes at the thought of losing her.  Dixie...I...I don't know what I'd do without you...having to take care of the kids, on my own...I don't know if I can do that...

“I know what you’re thinking.” 

‘Oh yeah?”  He wasn’t surprised. 

‘I don’t want you to go on without me.   But if you have to…”

“Dix--."

"—If you have to go on without me…then you have to.”   She hugged him tightly, crying but ready to fight.  "You can, and you will.  You'll find a way. “  She glanced at the kids then to Kel.  “I’m counting on you.  That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.”

They both knew the odds of remission...by the time this type of cancer caused symptoms, it had usually reached a metastatic stage.  They wouldn't find that out for another few days.  Toughing them out would be hell…but not altogether void of hope.  For better or for worse.   Kel forced a smile.  "Yeah...I know, Dix.  I'm just …scared as hell..."

"Me too."  Her lower lip trembled and she allowed him to fold her back into his arms.  After a moment, she pulled herself together again and headed into the living room.  "Come on...let's go check up on the twins--they're too quiet."  Every moment with the children seemed even more precious now.

Will they remember me?  Or will I be just some vague memory to them...a mother they know of, but barely recall?  She'd lost her own mother quite young, and the bits and pieces of memories she couldn't quite grasp always left her frustrated and wanting more.  Would that be the fate of her children as well?

Dixie pushed the troubling thoughts aside and headed upstairs...she was going to have to put on a positive front for the twins.  Only with Kel could she afford to let down her guard and give into the fear that threatened to consume her.

*****************

No one in Rampart General's emergency department could miss the somber mood that had seemed to settle upon their head nurse and chief physician.  Everyone was curious but felt ill at ease to inquire as to the concern.

Well...no one but Joe Early.  He stepped into Kel's office.  "Kel...what's wrong?"

The dark haired doctor looked up, caught off-guard.  "What do you mean, what's wrong?"

"Exactly what I said...what's wrong?  You and Dixie have been acting differently ever since you came in this morning...the kids are okay, aren't they?"

‘They’re fine.”  Kel tried to appear nonchalant and shrugged.  "Into everything, but they're okay..."

Joe sat down opposite his friend.  "Kel...listen, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine.  If you do, I'm here."

Torn against betraying his promise to his wife but certain she would confide the truth sooner rather than later with their dear friend, Kel whispered.  "Dixie didn't want anyone to know,"   He looked up.  "I think she'd understand ...you're one of our best friends...and besides, I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't talk about it to someone."

Joe waited--he knew Kel would get around to it in his own time. 

"It’s Dixie..."  Kel began, then sighed heavily.

Joe could feel his muscles tighten.

"Mike Thompson thinks…she may have ovarian carcinoma, Joe."

Joe’s head leaned forward he felt his jaw drop somewhat but not enough to open.  Had he heard correctly?  Dixie…cancer?  This was not something Joe Early had been expecting. Shaking his head in disbelief.  “But—are you—is he sure?”

“We’ll know more in a few days…when they do the biopsies.”  He tossed a folder onto his desk. 

"I’m sorry…I guess I never thought--.”

‘Who would have?  I know I didn’t, and I’m her husband…”  He mocked as he glanced at his lab coat hanging behind his door.  “Not to mention a physician.”

“…and you’re blaming yourself.”

“Of course.  I didn’t even pick up on the fact that she was having pain…”  Kel’s voice broke as he spilled the bottom line.  ‘I can’t lose her, Joe.”

Understandable.  After a period of silence Joe asked.  “When did you find out?’

 "We got the test results...day before yesterday...she's got to go in for more tests, find out how advanced it is..."  Kel's voice broke. 

Joe came over to put an arm around the younger man.  "She's tough, Kel...you know she's a fighter.  She could go into remission, you know...it's not a death sentence yet."

"It's an ovarian carcinoma, Joe," Kel continued, shaking his head softly.  "Hardly ever detected until Stage 3..."

"Dixie will fight this, Kel."  Joe squeezed his hand.  "She's got a lot to live for."

"I...didn't even know she was having pain.  For weeks now, Joe.  What kind of husband...?"  He looked at his hands.

"You know how Dixie is...she would have hidden it at all costs."

"Yeah."  Kel sighed.  "I thought...I thought maybe she had her family history going for her...but then I figured out her aunt probably died from the same thing..."  He shook his head.

Joe bit his lip.  "That doesn't necessarily sign her death certificate, Kel."

Wiping his hands through his uneven waves, Kel remembered the innocence of two days ago.

 
"What happened to your hair, anyway?"  In the first place, Joe was pretty damn curious.  In the second place--he hoped to get Kel's mind off things.

 
"Sophie found Dixie's Juicy Fruit..."

"Oh, no."  Joe smiled.  "Kids..."

"Yeah..."  It brought a smile to Kel's face as well, for a moment.  "This can't be happening, Joe."

"Dixie's got a lot to live for, Kel.  She won't let this get her."

"Come on, Joe. The best we could hope for is that it's a mistake. We both know the prognosis for ovarian cancer...God, the kids! "  The tears welled.  "They'll be in grade school...they'll be six...maybe seven at the oldest...."

"They won't..." His voice broke as tears poured. "They won't even remember her...I'll have to...show them pictures and tell them stories."

 
Joe put his arm around Kel.  "Kel...there have been cases of remission.  Even with ovarian cancer.  Maybe they caught it soon enough."

He dropped his head.  "Remission...?  Three years...isn't remission, Joe.  Don't try to placate me, please...I know what we're up against here.  Surgery...chemotherapy…radiation."

"She's not going to die, Kel...not in three years...not for a long time...I'm sure of it."

"You can't promises like that, Joe--no one can."  Kel sighed again, brushing away a tear.  "The type she's got...it's the deadliest...I haven't known of any cases that..."  He shook his head.  "Well, I guess we've just got to enjoy the time we've got left--and in the meantime, keep hoping it's some horrible mistake."

"Maybe you ought to try that the other way around," Joe offered.  "Might help improve your outlook."

"I'm sure you're right..."  Kel sighed.  "I just...I don't...I guess I'm not thinking really objectively right now..."

"And no one would expect you to be," Joe assured him.  "Trust me."  He looked at the door.  "Just don't give them that impression if you're not willing to tell them what's going on.  They do notice...and they're starting to wonder."

"Yeah...thanks, Joe."

"Sure--any time."  Joe nodded.  "Hang in there, all right?  We'll make sure she gets the best treatment there is...if it comes to that."

Kel considered it.  "I know.  Believe me...I know."

*****************

Joe shook his head softly as he left Kel's office--he couldn't believe the news he'd just heard.  Dixie had cancer...it was the last thing any of them could have expected to hear.  It certainly explained the way she and Kel had been acting, though.  He was amazed they were holding up this well.

It's amazing...you see a million cases, and you feel for them...but you're objective.  You never expect it to be someone you know.  He slipped into the lounge.

Dixie was sitting on the couch, her eyes closed.  Joe sat beside her gently.  "Dix?"

She opened her eyes.  "Oh...hi, Joe."

"You feeling okay?" he asked gently. 

"I'm fine," Dixie replied quickly.  "I...I was just up late last night..."

Joe placed his hand on hers with a knowing look.  "Trust me, Dix, if anyone can beat this, it's you." 

“Kel squealed.”  She nodded slowly.

“I prefer to think of it as vented.”  Joe teased.

“I guess my threats don’t hold much weight anymore.”   The bewildered look that settled over her expression washed away the lightness of Joe’s comment.  "I figured he'd tell you."  Dixie put her hand on top of his, then sighed.  "If he hadn't, I probably would have."  She bit her lip.  "I...it's been two days since we found out, Joe...and I'm no closer now to making sense of it than I was then.  I...I'm scared, Joe.  Not just for myself...but for Kel, and the children."

"I'd be more worried about you if you weren't, Dix."  He waited and listened. "I gave up trying to make sense of things a long time ago.  I do know one thing though.”

“And what’s that, oh Wise One.”

‘I know who’s in charge and I know, believe it or not…He knows what He’s doing.”  For the first time Joe’s voice broke. 

Dixie pursed her lips and nodded in agreement. 

“Well, I suppose I should treat patients.”  He stood, still holding her hand.  “If you ever need to talk, I'm here.  If you need anything, just call me, okay?"

"Thanks."  She felt lucky, given the circumstances, that she and Kel had such a friend on their side.  "I appreciate it."

*****************

That night, Dixie stood in the doorway of the children's room, watching them sleep.  She smiled softly, almost not noticing as Kel came in behind her.  "They're so precious, Kel..."

"Of course--they're sleeping."  He smiled, leading her gently to the living room.  They sat down together and she willingly surrendered to his embrace.  "There's still a chance that there's a mistake, you know..."

She shook her head.  "I'd like to be optimistic, too, Kel...but...biopsies are rarely wrong.  You know that as well as I do."

Kel gave her an odd look.  "Aren't they doing that next week, to confirm?"

"Think about it...do you honestly think they'd have told us if they weren't sure?"

"No, but..."  Kel looked confused.  "How could they be sure without biopsy results?"

"I had one," she replied softly. 

"When?"  He might not have been as observant as he should have been regarding her symptoms...but Kel figured that there was no possible way he could have missed that.  It would have required hospitalization for a few days, at least...a noticeable incision...

"Last week."  She put her head on his shoulder.  "When I went to ..."  Dixie shrugged.  "Those new laparoscopic techniques are pretty impressive...hardly left a mark."

*****************

Dixie came into the playroom where Kel was with the children, her hand on her abdomen.  "Kel..."  Her voice was pained, but she tried to cover it so as not to alarm Jake and Sophie.

"What are you doing out of bed?"  Kel scolded, but in a gentle way.  "Just because I'm your husband doesn't mean you don't have to listen to me.  I'm still a physician, you know."

She didn't take the bait.  "You...you got anything?  Meds?"  She winced.  "It's...really bad, Kel...just came on me..."  Her breaths were shallow as she fought the pain.

"Lie down...now."  Kel tried not to shout.  "I'll get you some Darvocet from the medicine cabinet...then we're going to the hospital.  I want to play it safe, if you don't mind."

"Okay."  Her lack of protest was the surest sign of the level of pain she was in.  Kel followed her downstairs, heading to get her something for the pain.  The kids followed, curious.

Dixie doubled over on the way to the couch.

"Daddy!  Mommy's sick!"  Sophie began to cry.

Kel turned.  Darting to Dixie's side, he put his arms around her and helped her to the couch so she could lie down. 

"Kel, it hurts..."

"Here.  Take these."  As he pushed the pills into her hand, Kel felt himself in the same camp as Jake and Sophie...scared and confused.  "You mean to tell me it's hurt you this badly?  For how long?"

"Not 'til just now...."  Dixie angled her head slightly to see him.  "What are you doing?"  She squeezed his hand tightly.

"I'm calling the paramedics!"  Kel answered.

"Why?"

Kel shot her a look.  "Because you're in no condition to travel!  And the kids can't just roam free in the front seat while you slouch in pain.  Trust me on this one, Nurse."  He looked into her face, his expression tender. 

She wasn't in much of a mood to argue.  She clenched her teeth against the pain.  "Okay, fine."

"That's what I thought."  Kel kissed her forehead and crossed to the phone.  He found the twins in the kitchen.  They were still crying.  After placing the phone call to the fire department, he knelt down in front of them.  "What's wrong?" 

"What's wrong with Mommy?" Jake asked, holding on to his sister tightly. 

How do I explain without scaring them further?  "Well, Sport..." Kel began, "she's...she's a little sick...but...she'll be okay."  Please don't let me be lying to them.

"She's hurting..." Sophie observed, glancing back into the living room. 

Kel nodded.  "I know."

"Make it stop, Daddy?"

"I'll try...I'm not sure what I can do."

"Kiss her, make it better.”

Kel bit his lip, wishing it were that simple.  "I gave her something to help her...we've just gotta wait for it to work."  He pulled them both close to him.

"So she's gonna be all right?" Jake asked. 

"I sure hope so."

"Daddy?" Sophie asked after another moment. 

"Yeah?"

"Does Mommy have..."  She frowned slightly, searching for the word, "cancer?"

Kel never ceased to be amazed at how perceptive small children could be.  He wanted to lie to them, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.  He couldn't lie to them, knowing how much they trusted him...knowing they took everything he said as pure truth.  "Yes.  But...we're hoping that maybe something got messed up...and maybe it's a mistake..."

"Is she gonna die?"

It was the one question he'd hoped they wouldn't ask, but somehow knew they would.  He knew that Dixie's outlook was grim.  In all likelihood, she wouldn't live to see their eighth birthday.  He didn't want to tell them that, though.  "We hope not...but you know what?  It's not really up to us..."

"Who's it up to, then?" Jake asked. 

"God, I suppose."  Kel thought about that...he knew he'd spent more time silently praying that Dixie wouldn't leave him this way in the past few days than he could remember.  He didn't want to ruin their hope, though...he'd seen so many cases of young children losing a parent.  They'd pretty much given up all faith in a God that wouldn't spare just one much-loved person.  But then...maybe he'd get his miracle...he didn't know.  He almost wished Dixie were the one talking to them.  She always knew exactly what to say. 

He was spared further explanation as the paramedics arrived. 

John Gage looked to Kel immediately for explanation, as Roy assessed Dixie.  "Doc?"

"Thank God you two are here," Kel answered.  He paused to explain the situation.  "She's been having some pain for a few days-- weeks now.”  He corrected angrily.

Both paramedics were stunned.  “She has?”

Kel nodded.   “...but nothing like this.  She just doubled over...I gave her a couple of Darvocet; they should kick in soon...but..."

Jake and Sophie, frightened by the medical equipment, wandered into the room.  Kel was just glad it was Johnny and Roy and not some strangers. 

Kel continued to tell Johnny what was going on.  "We, um...we got word from Dr. Thompson a few days ago...she'd gone in for some tests...they're pretty sure it's ovarian cancer."

"Oh, man," Johnny whispered.  "Oh no.  I'm sorry...."

"Yeah...thanks..."  Kel picked up his son, who'd begun clinging to his leg.  "Listen… Do whatever you have to...anything, I'll authorize it...Just …take good care of her."

"You know we will," Roy promised.  Being nearer--and also having more experience with children--he picked Sophie up and let Johnny handle Dixie's care.  "Hey, sweetie...it's gonna be all right.  Your mom's gonna be okay."

"I'm scared," she admitted, putting her head on his shoulder. 

Roy ran a hand over her dark hair.  "Take it easy...she'll be fine.  We're not gonna let anything happen to her."

Kel began to pace, finding himself unable to put down the child in his arms.  Sophie reached for her father...tucking Jake in his arms, he gladly welcomed his little girl and all the comfort and love a clinging child could offer.
 

Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as her cheek pressed against his..."Daddy...you're crying..."

"I'm just worried about your mom...but she'll be okay..."

"Don't cry, Daddy.  Roy said they'll take good care of her so she can get better..."

He looked to Jake and bounced him as well, plastering a brave smile on his face.  God...please let the tears stop.   Let her be okay...please.

"Kel?" Dixie called.

"I'm right here...we're all right here."  Kel chuckled as he knelt down beside her, gently setting the twins on the floor.  

"Kel...stay with me?"

"Wild horses couldn't keep me away."

"Good."  She nodded.  "I love you..."

"I love you too, honey..."

"I love you, Mommy!" both of the kids said at the same time, surprising themselves slightly.

"I love you, too, guys..."

"We love you too, Dix," Johnny chimed in, grinning.

She smiled at the paramedics. "And I love you...you've had your fun...now take me in so we can get it over with..."

"Yes, Nurse Dixie."

The medication Kel had given her kicked in and she drifted to sleep.

Roy, still somewhat stunned from the news about Dixie's underlying condition, turned to the kids, thinking of his own.  What if Joanne...  No, he couldn't think like that.  "Hey...how would you two like to go for a ride in the squad?"

"Yeah!"

"Really?"

Roy glanced at Dixie.  "Sure...while your Mommy takes a nap."  He figured a nap would be easier for them to accept...in his experience, the idea of the squad thrilled most young children. 

"Thanks, Roy."  Kel was fighting to maintain composure.

Roy put a hand on his shoulder.  "She's tough.  She'll be okay, Doc."  He smiled at the kids.

"What about Daddy?" Sophie asked.

"I'll ride with Mommy." 

Slowly, Sophie released his neck, but not before she kissed his cheek.  "See you later, Daddy?"

Kel returned a kiss to her soft cheeks...then kissed Jake's forehead.  Jake seemed a little less willing to leave, but still compliant.

"Mommy's going to be okay," he told Jake, hugging him.

Jake nodded, then offered the best advice he could think of, thinking of the times he'd tried to play doctor...and Dixie had invariably found a way to slip off when he got around to the bandages.  "Watch her real close, Daddy.  She's sneaky."

Kel laughed.  "Oh, really?" 

"Yup."  Jake waved, taking Roy's hand and hopping in the squad.  

 
"I love you," Kel told them.  His concern turned to his wife as they placed her on the gurney, but not before he was hit with the customary wave of nostalgia whenever he waved goodbye to his kids.  In his profession Kel saw many testimonies that life offered no guarantees...their family was no exception.

*****************

Joe stepped out of a treatment room, having finished with his patient--he'd heard that the paramedics had brought Dixie in.  He hoped it wasn't anything terribly serious.  If the cancer was causing her problems this soon, it didn't set up a very good forecast for the next couple of years.  "Kel?"

"Yeah, Joe?"  Kel had been waiting anxiously.

"They're moving her upstairs..."

"Overnight?"

"Yeah, at least...they want to watch her for a bit."  Joe nodded.  "Run a few tests...to start."
 

"Of course."  Kel looked bewildered--not a look or feeling he was accustomed to...but his logic often became foggy where his wife was concerned.  "I need to be with her."

 
"Has the pain been this bad for long?" Joe asked, sitting down.

"She said she had some discomfort...for a while...enough to make an appointment, at least."

Joe sighed...knowing that 'awhile' for Dixie could have been a very long time.  He'd been hoping that they'd caught the cancer early enough to give Dixie a fighting chance of survival.

 
Kel knew where Joe had been heading, and he appreciated the sentiment, but found it somewhat futile in his current state of mind.  "We both know that pain isn't even the preliminary symptom...it's the discomfort from the bloating.  I think..." He sighed as he analyzed. "I don't remember if...at least I didn't notice any ascites or bloating.  Right now, the hope that I'm clinging to that maybe...it's all some sort of horrible mistake.  That's all I have, Joe."

Dixie's doctor exited the treatment room a few yards down from them.  Her normal OB/GYN had been called in, just to rule out the possibility that it was the cancer...they also had an oncologist on call to take a look at her.

Kel walked up to his shoulder.  "Fred?"

He nodded.  "Hello, Kel."

"How is she?"

Fred Chapman smiled slightly.  "C'mon, Kel, let's sit down...I'll explain everything."

Kel nodded, biting his lip.  "Fred...tell me the truth.  Is it...is it her cancer?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about that," Chapman answered.  He shifted in his seat slightly, getting a bit more comfortable.  "There was a problem in the lab...the computer that was doing the labeling mixed up and mislabeled a couple of the samples..."

"What're you getting at, Fred?"

"That mass we found?  It's probably …benign..."  Fred smiled. 

Kel's jaw dropped for a moment...then burst into a grin.  This was the news he'd been praying for, but never expecting he'd actually hear.  "You...you mean, she doesn't have cancer?!"

"No."

“You said …probably.” 

“I know.  We still have to find out the source of her pain.  I’m thinking adhesions---she’s had surgery before, right?”

‘Multiple.”

“So we’ll definitely need to get in there and take a look but…there’s very little reason to suspect a malignancy.”

"My God."  Kel swallowed.  Thank you.  He briefly offered up a prayer for the woman whose mistaken results would soon be revealed.  "Does she know?  Did you tell Dixie?"

"I thought you might want to do that."  He smiled.

"Sure."  He reached for the arm of the physician and squeezed.  "Thank you."

"Hey, that's my job," Fred said, laughing. 

"So what's wrong with her?" Kel asked.  "Is there something else, underlying?  I mean, she has been having pain..."

"Looks like endometriosis.  We’ll know more once we get in there and see for ourselves..."  Fred leaned forward slightly.

"Endometriosis?"  Kel asked, frowning.  While not something he wanted his wife to have, it was much better than ovarian cancer.  He knew if it was severe enough, a hysterectomy could be in order...endometriosis was the result of a benign overgrowth of the uterine lining.  "How bad is it?"

"It's probably pretty advanced..."  Fred sighed.  "I'm amazed the pain hasn't been this severe much longer.  She's probably had this for over a year.  The mass we found was most likely a cyst on one of the ovaries....  Very treatable."

"You mean a hysterectomy?" Kel asked. 

"Yes...and the ovaries, too...We’ll know more…"

“When you get in there.  I know.  I apologies…I guess I’m just a little overwhelmed.  I'm glad we weren't planning on having more children, Kel thought, then nodded.  "I see..."  In the light of the outcome we were expecting, this hardly seems a terribly unpleasant alternative...  "I'll tell her--when did you want to do the operation?"  He stood and headed for the treatment room.

Chapman followed him.  "We can schedule the operation...or do it now, since she's here...she'll be home within a week."

"Yeah--yes.  Yes.  I agree, that makes the most sense."  He really couldn't think much further--overcome with emotion, his academics betrayed him as he pressed against the door of the treatment room.

Dixie looked up at him.  "Kel..."

"Hi."  He smiled with tear stained cheeks, clutching her hands within his own.  "Great news...you're gonna be okay.  There was a mix up at the lab..."

"Oh, Kel..."  She hugged him.

"Fred says it's likely that your pain is from a fairly severe case of endometriosis...they're gonna have to operate.  They'll know more then.  I imagine they'll biopsy the hell out of everything in there, but he's sure...and that's what I'm hanging my hat on."

"It's not cancer?"  Dixie looked hopeful, but warily so.

"He won't be able to tell you with 100% certainly until he gets in there and actually checks things out for himself ...but his findings had him pretty much convinced that it's not."

"Thank God..."  She leaned against him.  "Where are the kids?"

"Good question.  Last I saw them," he kidded, "they were with a playful couple of paramedics.  They'll want to hear the news too."

As if on cue, Johnny came in.  "Hiya, Dix...coupla little munchkins here wanted to see you...doc said it was okay."
 

Jake squirmed as Johnny came in with him and his sister.  "Mommy!"

"I must be a VIP or near death...if they're letting you two in here to visit!"  Dixie laughed above the pain that was growing again, reminding her that she still had a hurdle to pass over before the finish line.

Roy smiled, setting Sophie down.  "C'mon, Dix...be nice, you'll scare the children." 

Within minutes, the children were scrambling all over Dixie.

"Come on, you two."  Kel scooped up Sophie first, allowing Jake a few moments at his mother's forehead.

"Where's your boo-boo, Mommy?  Let me kiss it and make it better."

Dixie smiled, kissing him gently.  "It's gonna be better...see, I feel lots better now..."

Jake's eyes twinkled as he kissed her forehead over and over and over again.

"Mommy's okay?" Sophie asked, smiling.

"Mommy's okay."  Kel's gleamed as Sophie played with his hair.  "They got some lab results mixed up...she doesn't have cancer..."  He was speaking to Johnny and Roy, but was glad the children were around to overhear. 

"Wow, Dix, that's great!" Roy exclaimed, smiling.

"Yeah...you're gonna be okay, huh?"  Johnny grinned as well, hugging her with one arm.

"Come on, Sport."  Kel reached for Jake.

"It's all right."  Dixie assured Jake, tousling his hair.  "I'll see you again soon...I'm going to stay here a bit...but I'll come home soon."

"Mommy has to stay here and rest for a couple of days...so...I'm gonna need you take good care of me!"  Kel suggested.

"I'll take care of you."  Sophie kissed his cheek.

"Thanks."  Kel winced as she pulled his hair again.  "Sophie...Honey let go of my hair...please?"  She loved playing in her daddy's hair.  He waited another minute, getting no response.  She was sitting on his shoulders, but he couldn't turn his head to look at her as long as she had a handful of his hair.  "Sophie, please?"

"I did."

"Oh, no.  No...not again!"  Kel grimaced.  "okay...who gave her the gum?!"

~The End~

Ovarian cancer is deadly and insidious. It truly is a "silent killer."  By the time symptoms are realized, the disease has most likely progressed to a grim prognosis.  Early detection and screening is the key!   If there is someone in your family who has had ovarian cancer, go get screened.   Diagnosing combines family history, blood tests and surgical biopsy.  Survivability increases with early detection.  If this scares you into a nervous frenzy, my apologies.  If it alarms you into prudent action–good.  

For more information:  http://www.ovariancancer.jhmi.edu

Dedication: To J...an amazing lady who beat the odds. 

A note from Audrey--to my coauthor...darling, you underestimate yourself!  But I love you anyway--don't ever change!