Rescued From The Fall

Memories drift back to me as I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, and trying to think of something more interesting to do than count the cracks in it. Memories I'd rather not be thinking of right now.

"My life was my work, Dix. When my work ended..."

"Now, look! Millie--"

"No! You look! Cause someday you’ll be lyin’ in this bed just like me. Then you’ll know how I feel!"

That conversation was over 20 years ago, and it's just now coming back to haunt me. I was, at that time, the same way Millie had been in her day. Married--to my job. It seemed logical enough--the work was demanding, and it wasn't like I actually had anyone to come home to. Nope, it was just me, myself, and I. I enjoyed my days off (and practically had them planned for a year in advance!), but it was always comforting to have the ER to come back to. Retirement was the farthest thing from my mind.

Now the farthest thing from my mind is a reality. I try to keep busy, but it's not the same. Sure, I feel good knowing that the job is in great hands--I trained Kate Michaels myself. Taught her everything I know. But I'm at home, alone...bored as hell...while she's living the excitement. I think I do finally know how Millie felt. And that truly terrifies me, more than I can say.

If I know how she felt, what's to stop me from doing what she did? Could her prediction actually come true? Dear God...could I actually try to kill myself?

I can't see myself doing it. Really, I can't, even in my wildest dreams, picture myself attempting suicide. But I'm willing to bet Millie didn't think she'd do it either. I know Millie. She probably didn't even realize she was going to swallow a bottle of pills until she was standing in front of that cabinet the day she did it.

Then again, Millie and I aren't as similar as we once were. I have others to consider now. Kel...the twins... Could I, even bitterly unhappy with retirement (which I'm really not--at least not yet), take my own life knowing what I'm leaving behind? Knowing that I have a husband and children who will mourn my death? It would be the ultimate act of selfishness.

Besides, as I told Millie all those years ago back at Rampart, life is always worth living. I'll just have to find something to occupy myself with. I don't have to be a nurse at Rampart to be useful in this world. There's a lot I could be doing out there.

Plus, it's only another three months or so until Kel finally retires. I can survive that long. That'll solve my whole issue of being alone. And I'm really not alone, even now...if you count the cat, Rags. She actually makes pretty good company, even if she won't give you the time of day 75% of the time.

Would I be so confident if I were truly alone--single...still living that "proud and fancy-free" life? I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.

I've got a lot to live for, and I should let the ghosts of the past be just that--ghosts. In the past. I don't even know anymore why I worried about it. I've still got a lot of good years ahead of me!

Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay.

--------------------------

I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you’re not thinking about tomorrow
’Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

And there’s no time left for losin’

--"Black Balloon", written by John Rzeznik

Author's note: I didn't mention this at the beginning, because it's not required reading for the course *g*, but the whole thing with the twins is explained in "Unexpected" (a collaboration between myself and Stephanie White), if you haven't already read it. :)