 Smudge We've been getting a LOT of mail lately from people who think we actually know something about dating. | |
 The Brain |
How they achieved that hypothesis we shall never know. |
Smudge |
Well... I like to think I know a little. |
 Black Mage |
A very little. |
Smudge |
Yes, yes, yes... A very small, infantesimal, tiny, eency-weency, teeny-tiny, little, little bit. But that's beside the point. We're putting together a guide. Not just any guide, but the definitive guide to dating. |
 Freakazoid! |
Why? |
Freakazoid! |
Why else? |
Freakazoid! |
BECAUSE WE CAN! |
Subject:
Chapter One:
The Approach.
Smudge With women, it's important to remember that they are not men. Women are like deer. You don't go in the forest and catch a deer by running around and making lots of noise. No, women are like deer-- You have to stalk them. | |
 Quistess Trepe |
This is going to be very interesting... |
Smudge |
*coughs* Well... Let's just turn it over to our panel and you'll pick up what I mean... GOOD IDEA: |
 Rakeesh Sah Tarna |
Hello. Mind if I sit down? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
Black Mage |
Are you sure you aren't a parking ticket? No? Because, BABY! YOU'VE GOT FINE WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU! |
Smudge |
GOOD IDEA: |
 Dancing Megaman |
Would you care to dance? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
 Jay |
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you wanna suck my dick, right? |
Smudge |
See? That's all for today. Tomorrow, expect Chapter Two: Holding a Conversation. |
Subject:
Chapter Two:
Holding a Conversation.
Smudge Welcome back to class, humble student. Let's begin with chapter two, shall we? | |
Smudge |
The art of not sounding retarded is quite simple, actually. Rather than blathering on and on about yourself, simply ask about HER. GOOD IDEA: |
 Red Mage |
Hello, there. What's your name? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
 Mace Windu |
It's my duty to please that booty. |
Smudge |
Which brings us to our next point, don't be a moron. ALL BAD IDEAS: |
 Fighter |
Do you like swords? |
Jay |
Do chicks fart when you blast them in the ass? |
 Silent Bob |
|
Silent Bob |
|
Silent Bob |
|
Smudge |
Yeah we get the idea, Bob. Don't be quiet. Understood. |
 Thief |
Is this your wallet? |
 Emmit |
GHEEEE! |
 Red Mage |
I am called... THE RED MAGE!!!!! |
 Sgt. Cosgrove |
How would you like me to twist your body into funny balloon animals? |
 Mister Rogers |
Do you like... Pie? Yes? Me too! Especially a big ol' slice of POONTANG PIE! |
Smudge |
Okay, enough of that. Conversation itself should follow the FORM structure. Examples to follow: |
Smudge |
F = Family GOOD IDEA: |
Red Mage |
Do your relatives live in the area? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
Jay |
You got a sister? Yeah? You ever do any of that lesbian shit wit'her? |
Smudge |
O = Occupation. GOOD IDEA: |
Sgt. Cosgrove |
I'm a cop. How about you? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
Jay |
Which street corner you work? |
Smudge |
R = Recreation GOOD IDEA: |
Mace Windu |
What are you doing later? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
Jay |
Yo, you do anal? |
Smudge |
M = Meteorology. GOOD IDEA: |
Rakeesh Sah Tarna |
Nice weather out, hm? |
Smudge |
BAD IDEA: |
Jay |
Shit, even I can't make weather dirty, man. |
Smudge |
Fair enough. Come back tomorrow for Chapter Three and a short review. |
 You. |
Wheres the third chapeter? Wheres the review?? HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT TO SAY? |
 Mistranslated Ship Captain |
What you say?! |
Mistranslated Ship Captain |
Where third chapter? What to say female? It is mystery... |
Smudge |
Didn't feel like it yesterday. Or today. It'll be up... Eventually. |
The Brain |
Pinky! People are actually reading this insipid guide. Do you know what that means? |
 Pinky |
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... No. No, I don't. |
The Brain |
You're a waste of genetic material, you know that, right? |
Pinky |
|
The Brain |
If people are willing to read this tripe, then that means we exert some measure of control over their dating habits. |
Pinky |
OooooooOOOOOOOOoooohhh! We can set them up on blind dates and make them faaaaall in looooove! Point! |
The Brain |
Yes! |
The Brain |
Well, except for that last part anyway. We can break their hearts and then, by way of a cynical and bitter Q&A website, we can twist their minds and win their trust, then use them to take over the world! |
Black Mage |
Amateur. |
 Darth Sidious |
You need some sort of big laser to take over the world, not a bunch of twisted, bitter, dried-up husks of men. |
 Black Mage |
Or at least Fir3 and XXXX on a wide dispersal setting. |
You. |
a friend of mine showed me this page... what exactly is this? the guide at the main page wasn't too clear. what kind of ?s should I ask? |
Smudge |
This is basically a Q&A site. You Q, we A. As for what you should ask... We don't really care. There are answerers for all sorts of questions. |
Smudge |
We've got the casts of several video games. Two Final Fantasy games, the original 8-bit Megaman, Street Fighter 2, Parapa the Rapper and Umjammer Lammy, and the Quest for Glory series. Just to name a few. |
Smudge |
As well as several cartoon characters and various other famous and not so famous faces. |
 T-Money |
You best not be talkin’ ‘bout T-Money like he some kinda’ punk, fool! I the most famousest mudda fugga in the whole fuckin’ world! |
 Denis Leary |
Man, you’re on Battledome, okay?. Get over yourself. Three words: shitty time slot. Okay? You’re on at like one in the morning on Friday nights. I don’t think you’ve got what we might call a large following. |
T-Money |
The fuck you talkin’ ‘bout? Ain’t a motherfucker alive don’t know about T-Money and his wars with Jake Fury. Everybody know T-Money all ‘bout money and power, cracker. |
Denis Leary |
Yeah, great, pal. Come on back when you’ve decided if you want to be an American Gladiator or WWF wrestler. |
Smudge |
Yes, the famous and the not so famous converge here. It is truly a thing of wonder. Anyhow, as to what to ask, just ask anything. Odds are we’ll answer it or we’ll just dance around the question with quasi-witty banter because we don’t know the answer. |
You. |
should we nuke those ragheads once or twice? |
 Special Unit 2 |
So what exactly did the Captain say? |
| Reports of a new Link have been popping up all over the city. Trolls. | Special Unit 2 |
Special Unit 2 |
What, green-skinned gooey things? No problem. We've handled them before. |
| No, Nick. Sean describes these trolls as... Stupid, overly zealous morons that run around the city disguising bigotted hatred for patriotism. Distinguishing features include lack of any coherant spelling or grammar. | Special Unit 2 |
Special Unit 2 |
Yeah, I don't really care so long as we get to shoot them. We get to shoot them, right? |
| The Captain authorizes all possible force, so, yeah. I guess so. | Special Unit 2 |
Special Unit 2 |
Cool. |
Subject:
Looks somewhat familiar
You. |
Just who the hell is T-Money? |
Denis Leary |
What'd I tell you, man? |
T-Money |
Shut up... |
You. |
Sorry, I know you put a lot of effort into this, but you're just not funny. |
 Erasmus |
Have you heard the one about how we're like an STD, Fenrus? |
 Fenrus |
Not everyone gets us? |
Fenrus |
Yes, and if you DO get us, you're tempted to pass it around to others. |
Emmit |
Gheeee.... |
You. |
I'd rather watch Friends than do my essay, can you help at all? Explain the rise of "Jim Crow" politics. Thanks. |
 A Yoplait Billboard |
The not nice people do this because they are not nice and they do not eat enough Yoplait yogurt. |
Denis Leary |
Do your own damn homework, okay? Okay. |
A Yoplait Billboard |
Why is Mr. Leary not nice to the nice man? The nice man only ask how Mr. Crow grew so much. |
Smudge |
Oh fine... Here are a few things to get you started on your essay and a few different viewpoints to consider: |
 Byron F. Caldwell |
The glorious Southerners were defending their Pure White Women against the vicious savagery of the Negro Race by creating lynching laws that made it legal to hang anyone convicted of rape. |
Mace Windu |
However in most cases the word "convicted" was substituted with "accused" and the whites weren't convicted or even tried for murder. |
Byron F. Caldwell |
Segregation was a fair social program that kept the races from mixing and allowed for the stimulation of Negro learning. |
Mace Windu |
Once again, though the wording of the law was reasonable to the supremacist governments and population at large, in practice things were far from separate but equal. Equal being an equivocation meaning, to the Southerners, "Equal in number" rather than "Equal in quality." |
Denis Leary |
There, happy? |
A Yoplait Billboard |
Yay! We help nice man! I am happy! |
Denis Leary |
Well that's just super-fantastic... |
Byron F. Caldwell |
Well I, for one, am not happy at the way you have portrayed the glorious South! Just because you pass lynching laws does not make you a bigot. |
Mace Windu |
Yes it does. |
Byron F. Caldwell |
Smudge Sorry about the downtime, we've all been a bit busy for the past few days. Surprisingly, during this time we actually got a few e-mails asking if we'd quit all together. | |
Thief |
You mean people actually read this? |
Black Mage |
I'm as surprised as you are. |
Red Mage |
HUZZAH! It is I! |
Red Mage |
What surprises me is that they cared so very much. Thank you, thank you... |
Red Mage |
EGRESS! HUZZAH! |
 Lord Edmund Blackadder |
Git. |
You. |
So whats up withthe rest of your site? It's almost totally empty |
Quistess Trepe |
It's all we can do to convince Smudge to update this on a regular basis. Getting him to do the reviews is damned near impossible. |
Smudge |
Meh... |
Lord Edmund Blackadder |
Lazy as a lazy sloth just appointed dean of laziness at Cambridge... |
Smudge |
Meh... |
You. |
On December 7, 1941, the Japanese foolishly challenged America's absolute global supremacy. The sneak attack on Pearl was sucessful beyond their wildest expectations and they, along with America's enemies, mafficked in joyous triumph. Less than four years later, the superior and omnipotent military might of America had crushed, annihilated, subjegated and humiliated the Japanese utterly and completely. We taught them the meaning of war with America. On September 11, 2001, the Afghan Taliban and Al Queda foolishly challenged the absolute global surpemacy of the omnipotent United States. Once again, a murderous and shocking sneak attack on the United States has been met by the awe-inspiring military might that only America can unleash. The devestation now being wrought upon Afghanistan will teach them, and the world, what it means to be at war with the most remarkably powerful and ferocious military the world has ever known. The revenge Americans are now enjoying is satisfying and sweet beyond description, but there is crucial a lesson to be learned; world peace and global stability is only achieved by openly recognizing the unique role America is entitled to in world affairs. It is, regretabbly, a lesson some learn too slowly. |
Black Mage |
Wow. |
Smudge |
Yeah. |
Black Mage |
Do they really expect us to read all that? |
Smudge |
I know. |
Black Mage |
Geez... |
Smudge |
Well, back to playing Earthworm Jim, then. |
 Earthworm Jim |
 |
You. |
Did you just give up on the guide or what? |
Smudge |
More or less, yes. |
Subject:
That guy who did the thing
You. |
You remember that guy in CA that was gong to blow up his college? A friend of a friend of a friend sayd he was going to get an regular artical in the school paper, done from his jailcell. |
Smudge |
Yeah. It's true. I know a guy who goes to that school (De Anza Community College in Cupertino, California). He'll be getting his own section of the school paper. |
Rakeesh Sah Tarna |
That hardly seems like an honorable decision. |
Mistranslated Ship Captain |
What about Great Justice?! |
A Yoplait Billboard |
The Not nice man almost does a not nice thing and now he gets a nice column? |
A Yoplait Billboard |
The world is not nice. |
You. |
Whats the deal w/ that John guy on SU2? Where'd Sean go? |
| He married that fat monster from Season 1. | Special Unit 2 |
Special Unit 2 |
It was a wonderful cerimony. Fatty made a beautiful bride. |
 Carl |
John is Sean's replacement, if you can't work it out with your pathetic human mind. |
qmark |
So that answers the next question-- Wheres Carl. So why does Johnathan or whatever the hell his name is act so stonned all the time? |
Jay |
|
Jay |
The fuck you lookin' at? |
You. |
Hypothetical situation- You've got two weeks to live, what do you do? |
Smudge |
I'd cower in the corner sobbing gently to myself for 14 days straight. |
Smudge |
Oh, sorry. You'll probably wanted to hear some sort of macho bravado, right? |
Smudge |
In that case, I'd probably cower in the corner sobbing gently to myself for 14 days straight. |
You. |
Enclosed within this e-mail is a photograph found at the scene of the horrible events of September 11th. It was taken just seconds before the tragic attack. Let this be a reminder of all the victims. |
 Waldo |
God damn am I famous now. |
Waldo |
I mean, I've been at the Kennedy assassination, at the Hindenburg, on the Titanic and all that. But now, NOW I am truly famous. |
 Wheeeeere's WALDO! |
I hate you. |
Waldo |
I even have a whole website dedicated to my exploits! |
Wheeeeere's WALDO! |
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! |
Subject:
Re: From the rubble...
You. |
You insensitive bastard, that guy died in the attack and you're making fun of him? |
Waldo |
Woah, calm down, man. I'm very much alive, I can assure you. |
Smudge |
Amazing how upset people can get over a poorly done Photoshop Phakery. Tell me something, if the picture was genuine, then how (referring to "a photo found at the scene" in the above e-mail) was it somehow developed in the time between taking the picture and the crash? |
Smudge |
Playing devil's advocate, let's say they just made a mistake and found the film in the debris, not the picture. The towers are 1350 feet tall. How can a camera survive a fall that far? It would break open and the film inside would be destroyed. If not by the fall, then by the heat of the fire below it. |
Waldo |
What we have here, folks, is the biggest Internet Phenomena since All Your Base Are Belong to Us. |
Mistranslated Ship Captain |
You I hate. |
You. |
It burns when I pee. |
 Red Green |
Well don't hold matches down there. |
Red Green |
I'll tell ya', I'm pretty surprised you need to be told this sort of thing, eh? |
