Looking Back

Many years ago when I was young

I thought I had a splendid release

From the life of hardship and trouble

I experienced as a child

My prince charming I had found

He wooed and pursued me and won

My heart I gave to just the one

To the church we did proceed

To begin a lifetime of marital bliss

The first few years went by in a whirl

We spent our time at dinner and movies

And seeing many wondrous sights

Then disaster hit, his job he did loose

And our finances began to dissolve

He found another but our troubles did not end

It seemed my thinking was more independent

Than he felt a wife should have

I was expected to obey without question

Each and every command that came forth

I found I couldn’t do it, especially in the area

Of giving birth to a child for which I yearned

He expected to be the center of my life

No sharing of my attention with another

But my yearning for a baby

Led me down a path of deceit

I secretly became pregnant

Thinking he would change his mind

How wrong I was and how I did suffer

The love of my life became a tyrant

Wanting me to destroy

That precious little being deep inside of me

I could not do it and so I suffered

All his wrath and angry turning away

I was quite surprised that he

Stayed around to see that new being

Come into this troubled world

But the love that child deserved

From him did not come forth

He often referred to him as my kid

As if he had not part in him

Some years later another little child

God brought into our lives

Once again the pain and turmoil

Was stirred up and churned

Again he wanted me to destroy

A precious little light

And again I could not do it

Knowing this one would not get

The love and attention of his father

We plodded along for several more years

Until at last he left my sons and I

To fend for ourselves any way we could

It’s been nine years now since that day

I’ve had to go it alone, raise those two myself

Our life was not easy and often short of funds

But I’ve watched my two sons

Grow into splendid young men

With their father they have had

Very little contact and not much support

That hasn’t held them back

Instead it has pushed them forward

Now after thirty years I look back

At the day of my wedding

And I wonder what if I had not married

This tarnished shining knight

I would not have experienced

The many blessings of my motherhood

And come to understand

That the Lord above is always there

To guide, to help at each and every step

God has somehow provided for our every need

And seen us through the rough times

On the nights when a warm embrace

I found myself in need of

The Lord was there to comfort me

And help me through each time

If I had to do it all over

Some things I might well change

But I would not by pass

The precious experience of motherhood

The rewards are too many

I have become a stronger person

And have learned to lean upon my God

And not on a frail human being

I know my Lord will always be there

He will never leave me

And so in the end I’m really not alone

For as I walk this daily walk

I have the best companion of all

The Lord Jesus is my friend

And He can be yours too!

By: Ann Martin

8/4/99

 

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