Progress...I can't believe I'm actually making progress. No, I'm still without a job, I DID fail my mid-term in biohistory, and I'm broke...so how is it that I can feel so fucking proud of myself? Well...I've made progress where it REALLY matters. In my heart, in my mind.
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I've told this damn story so many times that I might brush over the details. Not to mention the person this is about has web access and might actually read the journel entry... Yeah right, who am I kidding...he won't read this...he is far too self-absorbed.
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So, I was invited to visit my "friend" John in Santa Maria. John and I met over a year ago at a New Year's Party. I was feeling pretty darn good, and consequently was hitting on everything with a penis. I saw this cute, blond guy with stunning eyes wearing one of those golf hats old men wear, and a trench coat. He reminded me so much of a writer or a director. Anyway, I complimented him on his look and we sorta hit it off.
Okay fast foward a year. John and I had made several rondesvous since our initial meeting. We never seem to talk very much, our chemical attraction overpowers everything else and we end up making out. I REALLY liked John...at least, what I knew of him. He's talented, funny, smart, handsome, witty, gentle, and just plain adorable. I keep thinking of us in terms of potential romance but he lives far away and is distant emotionally. Which, of course, only compells me to push forward and get to know him better.
So, I get an email from him asking me to visit him. I'm very excited because in my mind's eye, this is it! This weekend would determine everything. And it most certainly would...(forshadowing, anyone?)
First, he couldn't be less hospitable. He doesn't seem very enthusiastic about me being there. He drags me off to one of his rehersals (and proceeds to leave me alone in a room with actors, dancers, and singers wandering around looking at me like, "Who's that girl?") Then we get back to his place and he makes me watch a video HE wants to watch about something HE thinks is interesting. Then we go to his bedroom and he does his usual bedroom moves which I will not expand on because that would be tacky.
Fast forward through a night of intermitant sleep...He acts even more distant. We actually have a conversation during lunch and it becomes clear we have TOTALLY different ideas about life. I'm someone who seeks out pleasure and peace while he is seeking fame and fortune. He's an artist you know. He "makes theatre, makes art." The chasm between us widens and when we get to his place he goes directly into his room and shuts the door, leaving me alone (again) in the living room.
After watching a great movie about truth (it's called "Get Real" it's a wonderful movie out of England), I decide to approach him. I go into his room and we start talking. Now, I can't remember the entire conversation...only snip-its because I was listening to what my heart was telling me to do and not what he was saying. Here are some bits of the conversation (some of John's parts are off 'cus I can't remember everything perfectly):
me: I don't understand why you invited me here. You are a very busy person and all I've been doing is tagging along. I'm in one room and you're in the other.
John: Yeah, things aren't going as well as I hoped...We are just very different people.
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John: We've never spent this much time together and the more I get to know you the more I realize I don't want to make-out with you anymore.
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John: You remind me of my ex-girlfriend Becky. Being with you reminds me of all her good qualities...and her...
me: Her bad qualities...go ahead, it's okay, you can say it...her bad qualities.
John: Well, reasons why I broke with her. Bad isn't the right word. Like we say in the theatre business, "truthful and untruthful."
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John: You are a very attractive person, and I really like you as a person. But I don't think we have anything else...what are you thinking?
(long pause)
me: (all I could do was press my hand to my heart)
John: Oh.
me: (reaching out and put my hand on his head) I am so in love with your brain. (then I start packing my bag) And I'm not going to waste anymore of your time.
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me: You know what I wanted from this weekend? I wanted so much to fall in love with you, but most of all I wanted you to fall in love with me.
John: That's what I was afraid of. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings like this.
me: John, I'm responsible for my own feelings. You have no control over any of that. And sometimes, you hurt people with what you say, you break their hearts and there is nothing you can do about it.
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me: (kissing his cheek) You are a good person.
John: I'm sorry we have different feelings about eachother.
me: No we really don't.
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DAMN! I can't believe I actually said that shit. It was one of the most HONEST conversations I've had in so long. At least honest on my part. I spoke my mind, I was clear and assertive, I had the last word and GOD I feel awsome for it. A year ago I could never do any of this. I high-tailed out of that house and went to my car. It was a beautiful day and I just looked up at the sky and said to God, "See, I told you I could do it."
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The drive home was awsome...I had some chocolate, bottled water, and Dave Matthews on the cd player. The scenery was gorgeous...cows, and hills, and grassy plains. I kept thinking how blessed I was to be able to see all that, to appreciate it. To have a heart that loves so much...I'm so lucky.
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So, I have to thank John for being a prick to me. I'm very glad we had the conversation we had. Sure, he used me and treated me sorta crappy...but he actually said what needed to be said and SO DID I!!! He needs to get over the fact that he has the capacity to be an asshole, and that his actions and words have consequences he might not like. But Thank You John...you gave me the opportunity to realize something about myself: With or without your validation I am still a person...whole...wholey beautiful...complete in both "bad" and "good" qualities.
My therapist is going to be so proud of me.
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Bless you all...take every opportunity to grow...pain is temporary so the investment is outweighed by the gain.