I walk through life...and I have these momments where I see something and I want to remember it and write it down so that it becomes immortal. Sometimes it is the look on my friend Tina's face when I make her laugh, or the way Chris can look angelic when he sleeps, or a conversation I had with my mother that was actually mature. I inevitably forget the details and only the echo of the memories remain, haunting my intuition.
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Well, last week was really bad. Actually, life has been pretty unbarably barable for the past month. I won't go on and on about what is going wrong...it is just the usual demons of life (money, love, pressure). Usually, when I come across a difficult patch I have a tendency to just break down, cry my little heart out or buy something expensive. Because I had no money, and for some reason wasn't feeling weepy, I actually had to deal with my issues. Crying always provides a mommentary repreave from my woes. For some reason, I just couldn't cry. Anyway, things are looking better now, but then again, I might be delusional.
During this time of general meloncholy (a word not used enough as far as I'm concerned) I was so distraught over time. It seemed to be disappearing all around me. My alarm would go off and I'd close my eyes for what felt like a second and when I looked up it was thirty-minutes later. Time was falling through my fingers, I simply couldn't get control of it. I'd waste a day, sitting in front of the computer. The feeling was awful, full of fear and anxiety.
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Like I said, I'm feeling better. After having a good bitch & moan session with my therapist (God bless that woman) I felt so much better. She told me that these feelings of malaise (another word not used enough) and loss of control are natural for a person going through transition and that eventually I will feel better. I simply have to weather out the storm. Goddamn this freaking storm!
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Okay, let me talk about something really great and wonderful.
I had my first substitute teaching job on Friday, Feb. 16th. I finally finished the long drawn out process of registering with the county. Then found out I had to go through an even longer process to be put on the Bakersfield City School District's list for subs. I called around and finally found a school district that didn't have a big process for subs: Arvin. Arvin, if you don't know it, is a small town about 20 minutes southeast of Bakersfield. It is mostly hispanic people and based on agriculture. Not exactly a place you want to have your honeymoon.
The day after I applied with Arvin they called and gave me a job as a sub for a 3rd grade class. I had to be at the school by 7:45am. I showed up 5 minutes early.
The class was just awsome. The kids were great. I guess I'm either really lucky or really skilled because I just relished (another not frequently used word) my time with them. The entire class was hispanic, but that just didn't seem to matter.
At first the kids seemed a bit edgy because I wasn't doing things exactly like Ms. Meeks did. I told them that their feelings about what I'm doing are okay. But that I will be doing things my way and that they don't have to worry about Ms. Meeks' way. With that everything was calmed down. We went through the day doing the small tasks left for us to do (spelling tests, math work, handouts, Abe Lincoln project).
During recess I went out with the kids (what else did I have to do?) and played jump rope with the girls (something that really impressed them). I let the kids stay inside for one of the recesses and draw on the dry-write board (supposedly a big no-no for Ms. Meeks). I listened intently to their stories and suggestions. Always tried to give constructive feedback "Lialani, you focus on your work and let Andres worry about his. It's not your problem, okay?" By the end of the day I was tired, but felt really happy. The kids gave me hugs and asked if I could be their teacher again. I said probably not but I'll try. It was a good day.
I got $85 for subbing but I probably would do it for $25. I enjoyed it that much.
Hey, look Mom...I'm growing up.
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I know I had much more to say...But I can't think of it. Oh yes! Jen's beloved bird, Zoe, has given birth to TWO eggs. Believe me, in my little world this was news! My car is in the shop (yet again) and I had an assertive discussion with my mom...big deal. I guess I have a lot to be happy over...mmm...maybe not happy...pleased? Content? Satisfied?
Smooches,
Chelsea