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"I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been."
-DMB
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Talk about emotional rollercoaster. I've had so many opportunities for learning the past three weeks. Thank God for my journal...I really don't know where I'd be without the blank pages that stare at me and beg me to fill them.
Sometimes, life is so slow and dull. I sit around and beg for something to happen...anything. Then when something does happen I'm so excited and fascinated. Even when that something is scary or unhappy...it's an opportunity to live...to feel...to say, "Oh yeah, I am here and this is reality." In this day and age of special effects and synthetic everything, it is refreshing to have your feet firmly planted in reality.
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I went and saw A.I. If you haven't seen this movie, you should go. There are some movies that one can wait till they are out on video but there are others that simply should be seen on the big screen. I feel obligated to see them, sort of like being in Paris, France and seeing the "Mona Lisa." It's a cultural obligation.
Anyway, A.I. was a gorgeous movie...very spectacular and being a Speilburg movie, very emotional. Sad movies are great. I love movies that make me cry.
I love crying.
When I cry at a movie it sets off a whole series of events. My poor companion had no idea about my crying fetish. He was sweet enough to provide a hanky, and I really should have given him fair warning. He had no idea that the movie just gives me permission to cry...what I cry about has nothing to do with the movie. After seeing the film I excused myself to the bathroom and sat in there for five minutes balling my eyes out. Then I cried in his car on the way home and then I got home and cried some more. I wrote a journal entry that was pretty wacky...stream of consiousness type of writing. I cried later on that night, also.
So, you might ask, "Chelsea, why do you cry so damn much?" And like most questions of such a nature, I can only answer, "I'm not sure." My crying usually does start with the subject of the movie, then it moves into me finding a similar situation or experience in my life. I start to remember moments and people and cry for them. If my crying continues it blends into crying for the great injustices of the world (babies dieing and wars and poverty). My cry-fest cresendos into a meaningless sob...just for the sake of getting every last tear rung out of my skull.
Afterwards, I feel spent. Empty, whole, relieved. It's almost a high. I get through lots of stuff that I protect myself from during the normal days.
Of course, I cry for Ryan. I miss him so much sometimes it is overwhelming. Sure, I'm doing pretty good in comparison to my mother. But, I do lots of weird things to compensate for not having him physically here. I get attatched to people that really don't want my admiration.
Funny, how Ryan isn't here but he's a part of my life every single day. I was in my room cleaning up some stuff and I found a picture of him and I stared at it. Seems like a million years ago I laid eyes on him. I can't remember his voice now. I just remember his presence...and some of the funny things he'd do. I can't help thinking he should be here. He's in heaven though, a much better place, and sometimes I feel like he's with me.
But then, I think that I'm just deluding myself. That it's all in my mind and that he's nowhere and I'm just trying to make sense of a senseless occurance.
Then I shut off those thoughts because it makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of my life.
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I was in a car accident the other day. Don't worry nothing bad happened. Amazingly my car and I are unscathed. I won't go into boring details but here are some highlights: changing lanes, car suddenly stopping, swerving, losing control, concrete median, big van, spinning out, facing wrong direction on the highway.
I just remember thinking, as my car was swerving in the three lanes, "God, please don't let me hit anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone." Of course, these thoughts translated into me screaming, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!" I'm sure God had his "Cursing-to-Prayer" translater because I didn't hit anyone. A van hit me but drove off. Which I was so damn happy about! Thank God, my insurance couldn't handle it.
So, after I came to a complete stop, I called my mom. I was on the phone freaking out, "Mom, I was just in a car accident! Oh my God, I spun out of control and I'm facing the wrong direction."
And what was my mother's response? Her only child calling with the details of a car accident?
"You're talking too loud and hurting my ears. Stop yelling."
Ah, that's love, baby. She hopped in her car and made her way to the scene. In the meantime, I sat in my car and watched as these two paramedic looking guys were trying to figure out how to cross the highway to me. After playing "Red Rover Red Rover" for five minutes they decided to just shout at me, "Are you okay?" Yes, I told them and they shrugged and went about their way.
I sat for another 10 minutes in my very hot car. I don't have air-conditioning and it was about 110 degrees. I had sweat half my body weight by the time the cop came. She was very cool. Anyway, my mom showed up and she was changing lanes to get to my side of the road...and she NEARLY CAUSED AN ACCIDENT. She almost hit some poor soul. The cop got really pissed off and went to tell my mom some shit. It was sorta funny.
So, yeah, I'm here. I'm one LUCKY MO-FO. I went home and thanked God about a million times over. It took five days before I could really process the whole near death thing. I mean, sure I wasn't on death's door but damn, I could've been.
If it had happened thirty-secondes later, would I still be writing this right now? Someone asked me if I was okay about the accident and I shook my head. And I shouldn't be okay about it. The memory of the accident should sit on my shoulder awhile reminding me that in the universe of possibilities I am a number and death is just when my number comes up.
Now serving #189,495,720,934,854
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My play went really well. There are pics at the "Chelsea&Friends" link. Check it out! We had a sold-out audience on closing night. I really enjoyed the show and most of all I love the people I met. They are so talented and intelligent. I've learned a lot from them. Not just acting technique but on how to be a better person.
Man, I love my friends. They rock!
Congrats to Mike P. and Bob Cloud. Their short film "The First Supper" was accepted to a New York filmfestival. It will be screened twice for movie executives. This is great!
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Alright, I need to go hug those that I love. I should probably hug those that I don't love, the probably need it more.
Smooches!
Chelsea