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I hear more than I like to...
so I boil my head in a sense of humor...
I laugh at what I cannot change...
I throw it all on the pyre again...go then and do this
I'd do it for you...
when all that I want is so badly to be...
by myself again...
it's going to drive me right out of my brain
-DJM
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Holy God, yesterday sucked! For some reason, God decided it was a good day to
drive Chelsea bonkers. I bought $300 worth of money orders to pay my bills
with (because I bounce checks so much I've gone to money orders). Well, guess
what...I can't find them. I lost them about a week ago and it wasn't till
yesterday that I realized I had not just misplaced them...they were really
GONE. I just started balling my eyes out.
It was one of those deep, soulful cries. I couldn't stop crying, and I had to
call one of my professors to tell him I couldn't make it to class and that I
was just to upset to function. He was sympathetic. I was on the phone with the
manager of the drug store where i bought the money orders crying.
Apparently I needed to cry...actually, I knew I needed to cry. Ever since I
came back from Vegas I had been weepy. I had a good cry in the car on the way
home from Vegas. Good ol' Fraze was so patient with me.
---
Vegas? you ask. Yes, I returned to Vegas for Jen and Mike's wedding. I was
predictably late (but I made it before the ceromony started, which to me means
I'm on time)...My shoe heel broke off when I was running down the Strip to get
to the Tropicana.
Mike and Jen were so happy. Mike looked handsome in his suit, and Jen, of
course, was stunning in a flowing, simple creme satin dress. It was a very
short ceremony. Afterwards, we took a few pictures, stood around chit-chatted
and then we left. Haven't seen them since (they are in Hawaii I type). Yeah,
totally different than Michelle's wedding, which to me is the Golden Standard
of weddings.
I can't say I had a great time at Jen and Mike's wedding. But they had a
totally different focus. Michelle's wedding was a party...Mike and Jen's was
just a technicallity.
Jen, God Bless her, and I love her...had been up to the very second before she
was on the asle a bit on the bitch side of things. I'm pretty tolerant of such
behavior but I think I had my fill. She's very self-focused (she won't deny
it) but she is also a very loving person. She just had to be so focused on
herself that some of her friends fell to the wayside.
But I'm sure when she returns to Bakersfield she'll be wonderful and happy and
have so many stories about her Honeymoon...until then, I think I'll enjoy my
seclusion from the social scene.
Congrats Mike and Jen. I love you both so much I can hardly stand it
sometimes. You will be happy for a very very long time.
---
I made my way to Studio 54 wearing the dubious bustier. And now that I've lost
quite a few pounds, I looked SO much better (and felt better too). I wasn't
going to wear the bustier but hell, if it ain't broke don't fix it, and the
bustier worked it's wonders the last time...why wouldn't it work again.
Well, it surely did. I got A LOT of attention from the opposite sex. Which is
the whole reason why I wore the silly thing. But it was a little big for me
and one of my boobs kept falling out while I was dancing (thankfully no one
noticed...except me). I really enjoyed dancing and drinking and spending time
with Michelle.
"Did you meet a guy, Chelsea?" I most certainly did. At first this good
looking Indian guy was dancing all dirty with me...then this tall, slender,
handsome guy walked on the dance floor with his buddies. He gave me the once
over and I did the same to him. Unfortunetly the Indian guy was all up on my
shit and I couldn't break away to make my way towards the hot guy...So, I gave
the hot guy some "come hither" looks while I was dancing...I can't tell you
how much fun it was to do this...I don't get the opportunity to be sexy very
often.
I ended up leaving the dance floor and I watched the hot guy watch me as I
made my way to the bar. Then Michelle and I sat and had a smoke, and drank our
drinks. Suddenly guess who appears...the hot guy.
"Hi, I thought you left. I was looking all over for you," he says to me. He
has dark brown hair, shining green eyes, and is wearing a black silk pressed
shirt that feels like wonderful.
"No, just got a drink. What's your name?" I ask...giving him my flirty look
(which I've spend many an hour in front of the mirror mastering).
"Chris Welch," he says.
Yes like the jelly. He's from Atlanta, is a Pisces, works in IP Production (I
have no idea what that means) and comes from Irish desent.
Blah blah blah...ten minutes later we are making out on the dance floor.
Again, I won't go into too many tacky details. He was a very nice
guy...treated me like I was the hottest girl there. He kept saying I had
beautiful eyes and hair...he kept wanting to touch my hair. Didn't even really
mention the boobs until a good 20 minutes later. Which of course means he got
a billion bonus points.
Unfortunetly, the evening ended earlier than I had expected. And he later
admitted to having a girlfriend. I really wasn't too upset about it. I mean,
we were both strangers and if he CHOSE to cheat on his girlfriend that's his
problem. I had no idea until WAY later on that he was already taken...and it
really doesn't matter because he was going to fade into the lights of Vegas
once I left town.
---
But meeting this nice guy...well, it made me think. I haven't had a
signifigant other for some time. The only person I can actually say I have
feelings for is Tom...and he's VERY VERY far away.
I'm a pretty girl, with a good personality, lots of spunk and a willingness to
love. I have no idea why there aren't guys wanting to partake. Bakersfield is
NOT where I'm going to fall in love. You know how you get that feeling like,
"My people aren't here." Yeah, I have the most fantabulous friends...but no
love material here. And it makes me sad...that I had been a Goddess but had to
return to an empty bed...an empty heart.
I feel lonely. Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. Friends can
only fill my heart so much... but I'm ready for a relationship, but only with
a really great guy. I guess I have to wait. I could settle...but the thought
of settling makes me sick. Not again...never again will I settle.
So, with frustration and lonliness I tread on through the days. I can't stand
going to school. I don't have any money. My friends are so busy with their own
lives. I want to leave...I want to be someone and somewhere else. But I can't
and I won't.
---
I miss Ryan... A LOT...he'd be what...20 years old. Twenty years old...working
probably, maybe as a mechanic...dating girls, I'd take him to hang out with my
friends...we'd be close...he was such a cool kid. We'd be getting drunk
together and laughing. I miss the life he could've had...the life I could've
had with him.
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On a happier note...there is a new addition at the Harms/Stark/Fraze house.
Yes, we got another animal...that brings the count to 10 creatures residing
under the roof. Our new creature is a little sand lizard my mother found in a
pepsi can at the river. He's very cute and lives quite happily in a big, huge
jar on our kitchen table. He eats crickets and sits on a rock and looks cute.
His name is Sushi. He's very cute. I love him...especially since he doesn't
pee or poop on the floor.
Micheal Jackson ain't got shit on the zoo in my house.
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Finally, I am going to assign all you readers to do something. Below you'll
see three links. They are for three musical artists I'd really like you all to
listen to.
The first is John Mayer, he's the most established out of the three. I really
love his music. Please use the link, listen to his music and go buy his cd
"Room for Squares" at a record store.
The second is Mike Olcott. He doesn't even have a record out yet. I came
across this wonderful artist via the Dave Matthews Band mailing list
(www.nancies.org). Mike Olcott is going to be famous...I have no doubt. Please
check him out. My personal favorite song is "Bettered By You" which is the
last song on the page.
Finally, there's Junction, a Southern-Funk band with a twist of SKA. I really
love this group...they make me wanna shake my tail feathers. They are coming
out with a cd very soon, but you can get concerts on cd for free. Listen to
their songs, rock out for a little bit.
Expand your musical mind...it's free.
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With that...I must go and Smog check my car. Much love to you all...
Smooches,
Chelsea