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Come sister, my brother Shake up your bones, shake up your feet I'm saying open up And let the rain come pouring in Wash out this tired notion That the best is yet to come But while you're dancing on the ground Don't think of when you're gone -DJM
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I couldn't keep my eyes off the twinkling, color changing lights above our heads, or rather, I didn't want to keep my eyes off the lights. Next to me was a girl I barely knew but felt almost an immediate liking for and on the other side yet another stranger, another girl I didn't know but who seemed a little less "with it." The limo was jam packed, and when I say jam packed I mean scary fire hazard New York elevator packed, with people I barely knew...save for two men both of which were working hard towards a serious hang over.
Milton was yelling...something...probably about getting another drink...Fish was laughing and trying his hardest to give directions over the din of roudy party goers occupying the seats and the ground. Everyone seemed so excited and intoxicated with the luxery of our limo. Tequila on one side and rum on the other. I had my Merlot safely tucked away in an ice bucket.
We headed towards Houston and a night club that didn't exist. The name, Utopia, and for closterphobic little me it would have been such but alas, we were lost. We then headed to Pacific Street with great urgency for many of those in the Limo expressed a dire need to go crazy and shake their tail feathers. We had stopped at a bar preceeding our journey to Houston but it was a mellow bar, filled with baseball hat wearing men and tired looking women. No, we certainly needed a spot to go wild in...but unfortunetly Pacific Street Night Club was not it.
By this time our smallest companion, Ruthie, was completely snockered. She was a pixie of a woman, with a big goofy smile that she wore throughout the night's events. I had breifly talked to her at the mellow bar. She too had the bypass surgery and had once weighed nearly 300lbs. It was hard to imagine her tiny frame could carry such weight. I didn't have the opportunity to speak with Ruthie again, she had grown tired and passed out leaning against the constantly discomforted Chris.
Pacific Street was a gay night club...and I could tell that when it was packed on a Saturday night it would be a really awsome place but it was Monday and the crowd wore their workdays on their shoulders. No one would dance with Milton, Amber (the girl I liked), Fish and I. We grew tired of the space and retreated to the back patio for cool air and a smoke.
The majority of the Limo party stood around. I cannot say they were uncomfortable so much as they didn't know what to do with themselves. Back into the limo we all piled and headed towards a straight club called Toc.
I can't remember when I started feeling seriously annoyed at everyone. It was probably at Toc after the club had closed and we were still waiting for drunk compatriots to pile out of the club.
Toc was packed full of twenty-somethings and the occasional middle-aged couple out on the town trying to feel young, praying youth was contagious. Rap music blared over the music system and the crowd rocked to the hypnotic beats. We danced for awhile but eventually I grew tired of the place. None of the faces were familiar, and I wasn't drunk. Too loud for conversation, but not interesting enough for anything else.
I should be more careful for what I wish for...
Walking to the bathroom I was grabbed by someone in a dark corner and kissed. Who was it? Fish, drunk and giddy. Fish is proof that youth can be contagious. Forty years old he was no one's father-figure. He was kissing me hard and it took awhile for me to asess the situation. I had three courses of action:
1> Punch Fish and tell him to fuck off...which would only lead to drama.
2> Play along until I find an opportunity to bail.
3> Make out even more with Fish.
I went with choice two...and managed to retreat to the bathroom. I stayed in there until I felt the coast was clear, and followed Amber around the club. We did a shot (buttery nipple) and continued or walk around the crowds. I tripped and fell directly on my knees, of course, in middle of a crowd of men. Dusting the pride off my wounded knees I began to follow Amber to the back of the club.
Now, I don't know if she did this intentionally, but Fish appeared right in front of me. Amber smiled and shrugged her shoulders. Fish again planted a big wet one on my lips and I struggled to pull away. Amber sauntered off into the sweating crowd and I was soon to follow.
As I mentioned before, I began to feel extremely irritated with everyone. Ruthie and her boyfriend were fucking in the limo when I got outside. I was simply appalled by the whole situation...especially as I watched Fish, Milton and Amber get into the limo to watch or laugh or whatever it was they were doing. Pictures were taken of the triste in the limo.
I felt really sorry for Ruthie. I wondered if she would wake-up the next morning with a screaming headache and realize what happened. Would she feel humiliated? Taken advantage of? Complacent? Was this normal for this group of strangers? I suddenly wanted to be home surrounded by my puppies and watching Law and Order. This wasn't fun anymore. It was chaotic and dangerous and depraved. I didn't want to be a part of it any longer.
Finally, we all got back into the limo. The driver who had been complimenting me and talking to me all night (I was the closest to his window) explained that he did not see what was happening in the back but that he knew something was going on. I felt even more disgusted and told him that it was okay.
The limo lurched towards Kemah, the drop off point for some of the party goers. I did a silent prayer looking down at a drunk face of one of the girls who was lieing across several laps. Fish cuddled next to me, Milton was yelling and moving, Amber was ranting about how slutty the girls are, Chris was silent. I wanted to smack everyone.
Eventually, the limo left the Kemah Boardwalk parking lot. Inside was the "original" party: Milton, Fish, Chris, Amber and myself. A fight had nearly broken out between Mike (Ruthie's boyfriend) and Roberto, on our way to the boardwalk. It was after seeing this that went on sensory overload. Quiet and rest was what I needed...I nearly ran to the apartment and eventually drifted off to sleep.
I don't want it to seem that I didn't enjoy my time in Texas with Milton. I of course adored seeing Milton and we were frequently fighting to hold back tears. Being with Milton was such a comfort and nostalgic and normal and wonderful. I wish it was just he and I the whole time. Fish, Milton and I did spend a wonderful day at Crystal Beach driving around and drinking and just laughing all the time. It was really beautiful.
But specifically the night out made me realize that it just wasn't my scene anymore. My idea of a good time is not losing control or being depraved. Maybe I've gotten older or maybe I am just worn out. I had partied like that when I was 17 but now it seems dangerous. I really wish I could have enjoyed the night as much as the others. And maybe my annoyance with them stems from the fact that I resented the fact that they were having fun and I wasn't. I tried hard to adjust my thinking but nevertheless, I was stuck in a rut of frustration. Like I said, I just wanted to be comfortable...and I wasn't at all.
I miss Milton already. I can't wait to see him again in Valejo (near San Francisco). I am thinking about working for Fish and Milton for two weeks at Marine World taking photos of park visitors. I haven't made up my mind yet, and I still have some time to do so.
Milton is healthy, happy and living life. It was very good to see him.
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I had so much more to write about...my time with Tom in Monteray. Yes that's right, Tom traveled to California from Alaska and we got to spend a day together. It was...more than I could ever wish for. He said he felt bad for not giving me a Christmas present...I told him that he was the best Christmas present ever. He was and still is in my heart. I really trust him and care about him. I'm excited to see him again in July when I fly to Alaska.
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So, my 23rd year of life has started out with old friends and many adventures. This year I will be receiving my diploma, working full time (hopefully), traveling to San Fran, seeing Dave Matthews Band in San Jose (hopefully), going to Alaska and who knows what else.
I'm on the verge, you know. I feel adulthood creeping up on me, but I don't want to fight it. Why do people enjoy youth? Adolescents was awful! The naivity, the ignorance, the fear, the lonliness, the lack of vision...No, I don't revel in my youth so much as I appreciate its temporary nature. I have looked like a grown-up for so long...I can't wait for my soul to finally fit the skin I have been wearing for so long.
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Happy New Year!
Chelsea