Lately I've been feeling low
A remedy is what I'm seeking
I take a taste of what's below
Come away to something better
What I want is what I've not got
But what I need is all around me
I reach and search and never stop
-DJM

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There's nothing like impeding departure to change one's perspective. Everything seems to weigh less and more at the same time. I find myself bitching about people but soon making the statement, "It doesn't matter, I guess, I'm leaving soon." Ah, but there's the rub...nothing matters because I'm leaving, and yet, every action seems to carry such a deeper impact because my time here is limited.

I would be lieing if I said I don't want fanfare and tears when I depart. I do! We all do! We want to be thought of, and missed. We want the world to fall apart once we leave a room. We are told we shouldn't want such things to happen; that it is unhonorable and vain to wish people to miss you. We tell ourselves we are insignifigant and that we don't matter (admit it we have all delved into self pity at one time or another). And yet we are told we are so incredibly important...our second hand smoke kills, our littering destroys, our clothing actually makes our social status. Perhaps my views are overly generalized or naive...maybe I'm becoming jaded with the recent events of my life...who knows. But reading these words I realize one thing: I'm leaving my group...my friends...and if life is truly a stage are our friends not only our fellow actors but our fans?

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I've come to the realization, also, that people actual listen to what I say. Sounds like I'm stating the obvious. It amazes me how we hear something and retell it with our own personal spin on it. I guess it plays into that feeling of insignifigance. People actually listen to what I say and take it to heart which can be both good and bad. Hearing my words repeated to me via a third party always disconcerts me. Most often I find myself saying, "That's not at all what I meant!" However, at times what frightens me is that what is repeated is often bare-bones exactly what I did mean and it frightens me that someone saw through me and my words so easily.

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I've called my friends Mike and Jen for the past five days and have yet to receive a call back. Have heard through others that they are both very busy. However, I can't imagine a five minute phone call would really hamper their busy lives. Apparently they are having a get together this Friday. I'm interested to see if they actually call me to let me know. An experiment...

If they don't call me I can't say I'll be either surprised or disappointed. I've met someone and he is keeping my mind and heart occupied. His name is Christian and he's thus far a very fine person. He has yet to say anything that upsets me or turns me off. We are both avid readers, sensitive, compassionate, well traveled, enjoy computers and laughing. He's Paul Bunian sized which is AWSOME because he makes me feel so dainty and feminine. We sometimes get sad talking about how I'm leaving soon, but we try to focus on the present and on each other.

What about Tom? I've told Tom about Christian and he said that he thought it was great that I've found someone to keep me company and that I am having a good time. Tom wouldn't want it any other way. Again Tom amazes me with his down right confidence and compassion. Tom once again proves to be my friend above everything else.

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Speaking of wonderful friends...Charlotte and I had a glorious time in Mountain View, CA for the Dave Matthews Band concert. The music was predictably EXCELLENT however the experience of sharing space with so many people all filled with joy and excitement was like an elixer. At one point in the concert, the entire audience began singing the line: "Hani, Hani...Come and dance with me." A reference to a South African freedom fighter who was assinated...a man Dave Matthews wrote a song for after his death. While I do not know much of Mr. Hani I can simply put the name Ryan in the line and my heart will explode. We all can sing that line to someone we have loved and lost. I know many times I have called Ryan down from the heavens to dance in the snow with me... to see the beauty of what is around me... sometimes just to sit next to me in a movie theater. So, hear we all were...all these fans singing outloud to our loved ones...to the spirits to join us in the joyous moment. I just reached over and hugged Charlotte. I'm glad I shared that with her.

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I was talking to Chris yesterday and it suddenly hit me. The fear of leaving. It is getting closer and closer and I'm truly scared of being stranded without much support. I'm afraid of failing, or losing track of my life. I must stay focused.

Either Alaska will be a new life or an extended vacation. Either way it will be good for me. It will...It will...It will...

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Did I mention I quit my pizza delivery job? Yeah, that little life experience didn't last long. I hated it about two weeks in. I don't want to sound conceded in any way but that level of work is just not my forte. If I can't use my brain then I'm bored and resentful.

Plus, the managment sucked.

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Gosh, things feel so odd right now...I'm moving and looking back not out of nostalgia but out of avoidence for the inevitable future.

Love Always,
Chelsea