It has been quite awhile since my last entry. I have been insanely busy with school and life in general. My mind and heart have been through the ringer lately and I have been lost in a haze of anxiety. ---
Ever get the feeling of impending doom hiding behind the corner? I do...most of the time. I'm trying new ways of dealing with my anxiety, such as, "giving it to God" and saying mantras like, "I will deal with that when it happens" and "Not everything has to go wrong." Some of these techniques have worked to a point. But a lot of my anxiety has to do with emotional stress...and that my friends is what I've been under.
Last night my roommate and I decided to have an argument. She was mad that when her boyfriend came to the room he used his matainance key to unluck her door to see if she was asleep, I didn't jump up and stop him or, "Really protest in anyway." Well, last time I checked I was not her boyfriend's babysitter and I was pretty much asleep. While we were attempting to figure out how we were going to get tickets to a symphony performance, she made the comment that she didn't want to give me a large sum of money because I might take the change and spend it and later claim to give it back. I couldn't believe she thought I'd steal money from her!!! I was livid! So we ended up having a big, fat bitch and moan session. It was awful! I was soooooo mad at her. I wanted to slam doors...and have a fit.
Three hours later Andrea and I made up and ended up talking the night away. I really love her, and she does say things now and then that hurt my feelings but nothing awful. I'm not an angel either...I'm a messy person and sort of annoying.
We went out for a ciggerette and I ended up getting all misty eyed when I realized I have so little time here left. I will be leaving by December 17th. I want to go home but I want to take Alaska with me. ---
Here's the impending doom thing...While freaking out...I told Andrea something...something I have never said outloud. I said, "I'm just waiting for God to screw me over again." And really, that is how I feel all the time. That inevitably anything that I find joy in will be taken away from me. My brother, my dog Coco, my friendships, my lovers...all these were temporary joys that were snatched away from me. My anxiety is simply the fear of the rug being pulled out from under me. ---
On a more happier note...I bought two new CDs. I'm breaking in one right now called "His&Hers" by Pulp. I have to listen to a cd about 10-15 times straight through before I feel like it is really mine. The other cd I got was "Soft Parade" by the Doors. Boy, Morrison sure did a whole helluva lot of acid. I was listening to the cd today walking back from Biology. Listening to this dead man's voice. How spooky is that? It's "hella spooky" as far as I'm concerned.
In addition to my new cds I've been reading "Catcher in the Rye" okay...so far, the book is great. I am really enjoying Holden Caufield and his narrative. But that book's negative vibe rubs off on me. Suddenly, I started looking at people as either sincere or phony. Very strange because I never really took any of that into consideration. I looked at people more in the terms of "friendly" and "sucky." I feel sorry for phony people... ---
So, the countdown continues. My RA keeps counting down the days "Only 45 days left!!!" she says to me in the dining hall. Only 45? But...but...I just got here...my adventure has just started. I should've signed on for a year. But my mother wouldn't be able to take that. She's calling every week crying her eyes out on the phone. Yes, this adventure is coming to the end...just when it started to get good. OF COURSE!!! Dammit! I'm going to miss sleeping in a crappy bed, eating saltless food, and watching the ravens in the morning from my window.
God, I'm in Alaska...what the hell have I been doing here???