It started to snow I think on Wenesday. It was perfect snow, the kind you see in movies and think, "That never happens." But it did. The snowflakes were perfect. I could every detail like lace. And they would flurry down from the sky in the night. It was awsome.

I went for a walk-it was very cold-and was wondering on ther perfection of the snow. Trying hard to remember the beauty of the night so that in times of distress I could call upon the memory of serenity. I called out to my brother, wishing I could feel his presence like I have so many other times, "Can you see this? Can you see this snow?" I prayed and prayed. "Be here with me, Ryan. Be here with this beauty." I cried.

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Andrea and I discussed our friendship. We both agree that we would not be friends in any other circumstances. If I met her in Bakersfield I would avoid her like the plague. She challenges me...or at least I feel challenged by her. She doesn't let me get away with anything. And while this is great for now, it does get tiring. She is a wonderful person. I annoy her by asking if she is mad at me. The reason why I do it is because I can think of a dozen things I've done in the past 20 minutes to piss her off. It is a fear of abandonment, of insecurity, that my behavior will inevitably push someone away. I don't want to lose something I love and cherish so much.

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So goes my life, the minutes ticking away my stay. Smooches

***NOTE: this entry was retyped after it was lost in the computer system. There are several sections of this entry missing. Very sorry.***